Thursday, December 24, 2015

Merry Christmas

The ringing of distant bells reminds me of a time when I was young. It makes me think of everything I have.
It makes me feel ungrateful. It makes me resentful.
It makes me reflect on these jaded feelings.
I don't deserve most of the things I have.
There's so much more I want to have and experience, but I'm so selfish with the materials and relationships I already have.
I don't deserve the kindness of my companions, or the compassion. The pure generosity of my loved ones.
What have I truly done to earn it?
I feel like I'm just an energy leech. Like as if I'm not really doing the best I can, or working up to my full potential.
It makes me feel guilty.
I wish I could achieve certain things, and I work hard at doing it. I work very hard at it. But with the lack of rewards it always makes me question everything.
Here's to a better year. 2016, please be good to me and everything I care about. Including the friends and family I don't deserve to have.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Happy Holidays Guys!!

Hey yo!
I did a digital card for the holidays.
I hope you guys have a wonderful December and an awesome 2016.
2015 was full of struggles for me. Trying to find my place with a job, a house, saving money, buying video games, trying to become something on Twitch.tv, relationship failures and successes (friends and love alike), confronting emotional trauma, dealing with personal issues, dealing with money issues, family issues, all the things.
I think the dust has settled..
We'll see if 2016 will be awesome. I'm going to work at making it so.

 You guys can save this and print it, if you want.. You have my consent. =)


Alright so as far as the art stuff goes. I haven't touched my list yet.
BUT I have been working on my comic strip series which has taken the name Bear With Me. Kind of like the senior project I worked on.
The comic is about a bear and it always ends with the same panel.
It's definitely a satire on everything going on in my life.
I'll work on some and post 'em up when I can. <3

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Tackling a list of things to make for the next con.

Hey. Here's what I saw being most successful, that I'm most interested in doing too, from Tucson Comic Con 2015.

I saw a lot of people walking around with art like this, so I think I'm going to try to make stuff that caters to them. There were more but this is the stuff I wouldn't mind doing myself since I like it too. There was also stuff I didn't see, but people were talking about it. They made mention that I was the only table that had Rick & Morty anything as well as Undertale.

I'm interested in having stuff like:
Batman   -   8x10
Harley Quinn  -  11x17
Finn and Jake  -  8x10
Steven Universe  -  8x10
Samurai Jack  -  8x10
Aku  -  8x10
Powerpuff Girls  -  8x10
Rick and Morty  -  8x10
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  -   8x10
Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Charmander  -  11x17
Pikachu  -  8x10
Mario with Boos -  8x10
Legend of Zelda - that triforce hands picture  -  8x10
Sexy anime babe boob -  11x17
sexy anime babe ass  -  11x17

Stickers would be awesome

I'll post more stuff later. Not sure what I want to do with comic con yet.

I just tried drawing for like, 2 hours. I can't fucking operate today. I literally cannot execute any kind of anything with any amount of skill.
Today is not the day to art for me.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Olaf


 A good friend asked me to draw something for them.
I figured I would spend my art day doing just that!
It was a request to draw Olaf from Animal Crossing with a flower.
I did some research on him and read about him since I never came across him in the game myself. He seems to be a dashing Anteater wearing a matadors shirt.
People on the net describe him as a young Michael Jackson.
I guess I see that but not really. It could be the curl on his nose.
Anyways, I figured he would be a charming person and apparently he flirts with female characters.
I did some rough drawings and got a thumbnail I liked.


I didn't take much pictures of the progress but all I did was enlarge the thumb to the desired size on the predetermined size I wanted.
I just focused on having decent line art.

I also saw that in his house he has checkered tile. I thought it might be a cool element to pull from and use it as a background.
I ditched the name and decided to do some shadow colors to kind of help finish it up.
I hope she likes it.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Tucson Comic-Con. A 3 day adventure.



Well... Holy shit. What an adventure. I picked up my shirts on Tuesday, the 3rd. Decided that I will not return to Aladdin for any more work. Which means I have to find another printer for t's, which is awesome beause I might be able to work out a better deal or have more work printed for the same price. Anyways, I didn't like the interaction from Troy as a new customer. He was extremely rude to me and the things that stuck out to me the most is that, yes, you've been printing in Tucson for many years, and sure, you have a lot of artists asking for you to do their work, but I'm new, I don't do the printing stuff, I don't know how things work, which is why I fucking asked you and told you when we first started talking, that I needed guidance and help in this situation.  =)
Anyways. It was cool.

Thursday - We set up our booth with minimal cost. Learning a lot about how things work with the cons. I guess, from what I heard, people with big booths need that time to set up for Friday, and even then they were complaining that Friday was even a thing because it's a preview day. They didn't want to be there. So it felt like a waste of time to them. I just laughed. It was cool to set up and see what was missing or find things to improve the presentation. We set up two wire racks with our work hanging from it behind us and had all kinds of stuff on the table for show.
Thursday night I was up all night hand inking stuff for people to buy. I was worried that I didn't draw enough stuff.


Friday - We got there late because of poor planning, but it was in the air. Everyone was late, or just messing around. I guess because it was just a preview day. I took it pretty serious though. I didn't want to miss a chance to meet someone or sell something. We ended up just getting to know the people around us. No one was really interested in buying anything we had.
I was told by several people that I was the only artist with anything related to Rick & Morty and Undertale which was a really cool vein to tap into. Lot's of people dropping by and seeing our stuff but no real sales. Which is fine. I was like, shit... We should figure something out to get people to the table. I decided to start doing $1 sketches for people. Which ended up being pretty fun and successful for the booth over the next few days.





Saturday -  It was a total madhouse. everyone was there. So much awesome cosplay, so many awesome comic enthusiasts, but no real gamers. Which kind of hurt our market since our art is mostly video game related. I drew stuff I didn't think I ever would. Comic Book characters, peoples own created creatures and characters, mythological gods. It was awesome. I was supported by people I know and love, and by people who I didn't know but discovered me through the con. It was a long day but it blazed by. Drawing for people was one of the coolest things I've ever done. It was cool to see people enthusiastic about me and what I thought was the lack of talent I had.



Sunday - Much more of the same stuff happened, I just drew for people and caught up with a lot of friends. I think the biggest highlight was that some one was super interested in my shirt design and got it. It was flattering, rewarding and exciting. I was just so happy to sell something I created to someone I didn't know who shared the same level of enthusiasm and joy over a game. I need more of that in my life. It was just too cool.


The con ended and we packed up with our boxes of stuff and left tired. But it was so worth it.
I learned so much about myself as an artist and as a person.
It was extremely rewarding. I basically made enough money to cover the cost of the booth so I got to do that for free. Which was even more awesome.
I took notes on what people had as far as prints and drawings went, so that the next con I could have more art and stuff that people will want. I'm excited to go on this adventure again and hope to have another booth at the next con.




Wednesday, October 28, 2015

It's ramping up.

This has been a pretty productive weekend.
I'm satisfied.
I came to some realizations. I broke through some barriers.
I walked through some parts I should have been running and ran through some parts I should have walked.
I stopped, smelled the flowers and the garbage. I took it in. I meditated.
It's been pretty nice.
One of the coolest breakthroughs was when I finally just threw my hands up and understood why I felt so hopeless.
A ship doesn't sink because of the water around it. It sinks because of the water on the inside.
If I keep letting the shit on the outside destroy everything on the inside, it's no wonder we end up feeling like garbage.
What this means for me is that I've been letting the toxicity of people around me really seep in and take hold of my internal voice and opinions.
The thing with this realization is, HOW could I have let this person get to me?
I just can't answer why.. They hold no power over me, or what happens in my life. Even though they may think they do, with the bullshit they pull at work. IE: Lying about my performance, or the way I do things.
I finally can just let the shit roll off my back.
Saturn Returns isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm learning so much about how to be. JUST BE.
I'm working on everything and setting it up to be something sustainable. I'm creating my foundation of the life I want. AND through all that I was being poisoned by some ignorant dyke (not exaggerating on that one either...).

I used to worry every day... But now I got better things. =)

I got some shit worked out with using Square to take payments during Tucson Comic-Con
I set up an inventory of my shirts to keep track of sales.
Working on some stuff to sell individually to kind of get something to everyone at any price point.


I'll have a couple of drawings- They'll be hand drawn images of custom Zachy "fan-art" on little pieces of paper. 
They're little square pieces that are drawn in ink from the originals which were done in pencil.
They'll be limited to this con only and in small quantities.

The works are:
Undertale fan-art, Sans and The Protagonist
Pokemon, Bulbasaur and Charizard
Batman
Mega Man
Samus Aran
Inkling Girl
Rick & Morty: Morty "stars in your eyes"
*** maybe a Resident Evil *** William Berkin? He was my favorite.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Working-

Went to get my shirts printed.
Could only get 1 solid color printed.
$330 dollars later, I left with the hope that my 50, single color, screen printed t's will be OK and good enough for Comic-Con.
The guy was a fucking asshole to me. "I'm trying to make YOU money."
Fucking prick, telling me, "Why do you artists come in here with no money expecting so much?"
Um. I told you it was my first time ever doing something like this, I have ZERO experience with it. This is why I'm asking questions.

Working on that Cheech & Chong piece.
It's coming along.
Got a Rick & Morty piece too. It needs more developing.
I also have this other one from Legend of Zelda
K. I'm going to fuck off and die now. =)

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Stepping forward.

Hey there. I'm taking steps in bettering my life every day.
Certain things happen and they make you want to change faster than originally anticipated.
For example: You want a new job, but you like yours because it's stable and secure. But the job you want is something you can always attempt to get later.
Something happens at your "stable" job and it puts things in perspective. Now the other options start to feel like the stable ones. It's time to start walking towards the new job a bit faster.
I'm now treating my job at Bookmans much like I would a relationship.
When we first got together I thought we'd never break up. It's magical, fucking fun, we get to do all these cool things together, but then stuff starts happening where it makes you question the relationship.
I am now actively seeking another relationship with the idea that this one isn't working out. The shitty thing is, and I would do this if I were really seeing someone, that I can not break up right now. I have so much riding on this relationship that if it were to end... I don't know what I would do.
This is something that scares me because I've never been in this position before.
This relationship has gone sour and it's because of outside forces. It's very unfortunate.
But yea, I'm currently looking for something.
I have a few prospects that are pretty nice, but the thing is- I don't mind sticking things out and attempting to work them out. But if something happens to come my way in November, or sooner, I might just be 100% honest.
I had an altercation that really left a bad feeling in me on Saturday, Sept. 12th.
It wasn't fucking cool. At all. It was really pathetic and childish. And I had to take steps to understand why this person feels like they can talk to me like they did.
It accelerated my plans knowing that I'm not wanted. I'm tired of it being blatant and obvious.
I know it, and I'm tired of trying to fix it. I'm me, I do a good job, even though you don't tell me, and I'll continue trying to make the department nice and awesome regardless of how incompetent you are. Sometimes I feel like I should have just applied for the position, maybe I could have made a difference. But I keep hearing about how things there are set in their ways. So maybe I would have quit sooner?
I dunno.
Anyways, I'm off to finding something more fulfilling. I love what I do, but it's come to the point where the people I have direct interactions with as a professional employee are extremely challenging and wearing down on me. I can not continue to be fake towards these people who can't be professional to me.
We were all hired to do a job, so do the fucking job. I'm sick of the bull shit. =)
So after the altercation I basically just stopped caring. I no longer really give a fuck.

Here's what I was working on today. I want to try to figure out a cooler way to mix the two games together. Jet Set Radio's BEAT and Splatoon's Inkling Girl need to be changing the world together.

Monday, September 7, 2015

To whom it may concern:

Greetings. Hello! How are things? What's up with you?
Anything interesting happen since the last time we talked? I sure hope so.
Lots of stuff going on in my life right now that I just want to talk about.

Tucson Comic Con < My Table < My Goals < How to Obtain Them

My Stream < How it's working so far < Where I want to be < How I can get there

My Life < My Physical Health < My Mental Health < Goals < How to get 'em

OK So basically where I'm at with things in my life is this. It's time to take action.
No more fucking sitting around doing bull shit.
I realized why I play video games. The goal is to beat the game. Win. Achieve victory. Be a hero. Be the one who makes a difference.
I try my best to do this on a daily basis. There's a feeling you get when you're doing your job, or when just being a decent human being. This feeling is a sense of self worth. I get a tingling sensation in the back of my head and my face gets warm. This feeling used to be achieved just by being helpful at my first job. I would feel connected with someone and the fact that I have helped them obtain their goal gave me this feeling. I try to achieve this most of the time with people at my current job. It's not easy, just because "reasons." It could be I'm off a bit about stress / anxiety / depression / the customer is suffering from these things / they are on drugs / or all of the above.
I kinda get the same feeling when playing video games.
But the thing is, I'm always working towards a goal. There's a thing I'm always trying to achieve when I game.
My life hasn't had a goal since I graduated college. As a senior I quickly realized the boat I had jumped on was already sinking. Much like anything else I've picked up since (twitch.tv). And what I wanted is no longer something I can obtain.
Even though I am passionate about certain things and I know I'll never really get anywhere with them does not stop me from having fun and experimenting with them. I love to stream on Twitch. I love to do art, especially street art / t-shirt designs. So these are things I'm currently pursuing on the side while working full time at Bookmans.
This is the issue though. There's no real goal in place for me, sure there might be little stepping stones and stuff but I don't have the clear path laid out before me because I don't have a way point set. Time to look at the world map and set a target with some ideas how to clear the sub quests along the chain. 

Tucson Comic Con: I want to sell my t-shirts. I want to sell some custom art related to comics as well. I'm working on a few little things that are somewhat cool but can sell easily. So making an original piece. Then doing physical re-drawings of those pieces, and also doing prints of the original. So it'll work like this. Get some cool prints of a cool piece for cheap, or get an original Tucson Comic Con exclusive 1/10 drawing for a bit more, or get the original piece for a decent price.
I want to have some shirts printed out just to see how well they sell. So I'm going to do a few of my best selling shirts from RedBubble, but have them printed locally. I was told to check out Aladdin, bu the cool thing is, I might have a connect there with some ties to my family! So we'll see how that works out here soon!!!
The stuff I wanted to draw for the table are things that are related to video games.
So I want to have Link, Samus, Mega Man, Mario and Luigi, then some comic related items like Batman, Venom, TMNT and we'll go from there. The pictures could be something small, like baseball card size, or a bit bigger, just so they can be cheaper to print.

My Stream: The stream is something I love so much. I'm working on networking a lot harder with cool people who share the same goals. Everyone on Twitch want's to make it big and shit, but the thing is no one wants to share it really. The people who do share it only do so with a small select few. I wish to be a part of something bigger with my channel. I want to bring a positive message along with the stream that shows how to deal with being depressed and anxious. I've been adapting things to my life to survive, because if you don't you stagnate and you die. This is something I truly wish to avoid completely.
It's time to put on my pants, one leg a a time, get some fucking shoes and socks on, and maybe a shirt, then handle some business.
I have been trying to stream regularly on schedule, but this vacation has put a damper on that. I'm not too worried about it though. It'll work itself out, just because I will always show up when I can.
So the goal is, ultimately, to be partnered so I can potentially stream full time.
The way to achieve this is by meeting people who mesh well with me and my message.
The way to also achieve this is make it to conventions to hang out with these people.
I unfortunately can not make it to Twitch Con which really bums me out, just because I could potentially build some long lasting relationships and strengthen the ones I've built over the last year. But it's OK, there's always other ways to do this and other cons in the future to attend. I will work on this to be a better socialite next year with the cons and stuff.

My Life: I'm depressed. But not as much as before. The time away from things has kind of put things in perspective. Much like my Cali vacation when I decided to quit my job and go to school full time. I'm not making huge changes to my work life that way.
I'm working on myself internally. This is what I think has made my life a hard time.
I'm not doing the right things to help me find and achieve a true balance.
I think the thing I'm not thinking about is the future, which is why I didn't have goals. I didn't want anything. I just was kind of scooting by.
Now I want something. I want a successful booth at Con, so I can go back next year, or be at PHX CC.... Just to network and be known. Just to leave an impact on someone, just to get that tingly feeling in the back of my head knowing I made a difference.
It works for the same way with the stream. Knowing I can positively impact someone's life has made me feel so humbled because it's the same with me. A few people in my life had helped me through a few hard times in my life and I'm glad to be a Sherpa of light. I can be that person people look to when they are having a bad day, knowing they can come to my stream, chill out and have a cool time with some people who are doing the same exact thing.
I can't wait to impact more people positively.
I see things in life that are cool that I want.
Like a strong relationship with a female companion.
I've seen some strong relationships recently and it makes me hopeful knowing that one day I'll get to enjoy a relationship like that too.
I'm just sad now because sometimes it feels like I've let that go. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I did try 100% to make it work.
So the things in life that are cool, that I want are:
A place to live, that has an air conditioner. It's not much but man this summer has been rough.
A mode of transportation, but not just my bike. I want a car. I'm tired of walking around when my bike is out of commission. It's a real struggle. I've driven a few times up here in Phoenix while on vacation and it's been magical. I miss it. I just remember driving to Cali and having a blast. I always think about CKY and hanging out with my sister. I miss driving.
A sweet job that I actually give a shit about, not saying that I don't at Bookmans at all. I love the job and I do genuinely give a shit about it. But recently developments between me, my boss, and the other people who work in my department.... It makes me wonder why I try so hard. And with my manager telling me to lay off and quit giving so much of a care kinda hurts.
I think if you do something you should be passionate about it, because if you aren't then you're fucking wasting time with me and everyone else there.
It's cool to know your product and be on the top of your game.
I say this because I visited Bookmans here in PHX and was impressed by the store but let down by the people who worked there. Some were passionate, which is awesome but the departments that I liked were run by people who obviously didn't give 5 shits about anything other than taking their next break.
I was honestly disappointed. I didn't introduce myself at first, which means they think of me as another customer. Which means I get the real treatment. I asked some questions like a regular customer would, but I got a cold shoulder. I told the guy I knew he was busy so he could help me when he got a chance but it took 15-20 mins just to get a price on a game. He wasn't that busy btw. My counter is usually ape shit most of the time and nothing was really going on when I asked him for help. Anyways, not trying to judge harshly or anything. He had some stuff that needed to be repriced and I got overcharged for the games I bought, not to mention they were in shit shape. They were scratched to hell, like I wouldn't have bought these games knowing they were treated so badly. I guess I know where I can send people who have scratched games we don't want. Haha! Regardless of the fact the mod didn't seem happy to ring me up and I was kind of shoved out the door, thankfully before I left I questioned the receipt because of the overcharge. Either way. It wasn't a pleasant exchange when I went there hoping to be welcomed, because I'm a part of the "Bookmans Family," the team was disjointed, which I can relate to with our store, I wasn't properly taken care of, and the product I bought was defective. Super bummed out about it. I was hoping to plant the seed of transfer.
I'm not up for transferring to a store where the situation is the same.
I would LOVE a change of scenery. I really enjoy PHX a lot. I think it's a big city with a lot of opportunity. Life is what you make it and I want to make a path to victory. I want to achieve greatness.
I did enjoy this store called Fall Out Games. It's like if Game Crazy and Bookmans had a kind of "off" baby. As if something were wrong with it, but you couldn't tell what... But it still functions properly and it's still cool, but somethings off....
There were some other cool things I experienced around the PHX area, like conveyor belt sushi, the collectors market and other comic shops around town.
I did a lot of cool stuff, like play the shit out of Destiny, play MTG and finally test out my goblin deck. Got hooked on Fallout Shelter and also got a bit further in Fantasy Life. This week away from work really helped improve my mental state.
It's nice to have some goals and some ideas on how to achieve them. Knowing how to adapt and go with the flow is something that I need to dust off.

I'm done blabbing for now. Thanks for being here. I hope you're OK.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Tucson Comic Con

Hello. I am just writing to let you know I am getting a table for Tucson Comic Con.

Now... I'm at a loss for what to put up at the table.
It would be obvious to put up my t-shirts there... But I don't have a lot of money to throw down and buy a bunch to resell.
So the struggle is real.
I could just make some work that means something to me and attempt to sell it.


I really like doing water color stuff so maybe I can make some little water color things, or do some comic book character and some video game characters.
Batman
Joker
Spiderman
Venom
Cable
Thanos
Wolverine
Deadpool
Death Stroke
Mega Man
Samus
Mario & Luigi
Bulbasaur
Charizard
Link


Some of the ideas of characters I could do little sketches of to do some easy water color work over. Maybe make a ton of prints?

Then try to sell my t-shirts with a link to them or stickers?

I have stickers I can order that aren't too expensive through RedBubble.

So I guess I'll order stickers, give them out-
Sell the little small sketches.
Try to sell the shit out of my t-shirts.
Network like a mother fucker.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

I've been having a hard time lately.
Feeling guilty about how I've been acting.
Feeling like shit because I'm having issues with being depressed still.
Everyday is a struggle.
Especially lately.
I just feel like I'm missing something in my life.
I don't know what it is.
I feel like buying and playing games has helped in the past.
It's not working lately.
I can't quite put my finger on what's not working in my life.
Honestly, I have it pretty good.
I have a full time job that isn't so bad.
This full time job lets me have a place to live and food to eat.
Because I can do these things I can spend a little time doing stuff I really enjoy, like streaming and making artwork.
Because I do my stream and artwork I should feel happy.
I think because I'm in between the part of starting and not being a success at these things I might be feeling like I made a bad choice?
This cycle of wake up, go to work, get home, do work on personal stuff, go to sleep, rinse repeat might be a thing that's messing me up.
I know I'm lonely. I realized lately when talking to a new friend that I might be overbearing. I really need to take my self back a bit and just really figure out who the fuck I am and what I'm looking for in life.
I seem to have lost sight of goals recently, which I have a big goal.
I have a spot at a table in Tucson Comic Con.
I will be there sharing my artwork and stuff with the locals, in hopes to network with people who are just like me.
I have another huge goal, a successful Twitch.tv stream.
This is something I've been taking very serious lately and I feel like I'm seeing the fruits of my labor.
I need to network more with streamers though, so the hosting / sharing is more successful.

I'm just not happy with the little I have. And I feel selfish and stupid about it. I guess I was expecting more from myself. But I need to work harder.
You reap what you sow.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Finishing up stuff and gettng ready for the next project.

Hey there. What's up?
How are things going?
I'm just getting some stuff done. Feeling good about the work I just produced. Going to focus on stuff for animation hopefully soon.
I'd like to have some work started on my personal cartoon idea.
I've been listening to this band Mystery Skulls.
This one song has just got me feeling all kinds of crazy.
The lyrics really got through to me. It's like the artist knew my struggle too. He was just singing to me. It reminds me of when I first heard Korns self titled album. Or even when I heard Trent Reznor and his voice... They had a grip and a profound effect on me.

I think it's a great thing.

Mystery Skulls - Money

^ There's the link if you want to check it out.

As for the work I just completed, you can see all the products it's on at RedBubble.

Teenage Mute Hero Hylians



There's the .png of the work. Enjoy that.

As for me. Personally. Mentally. Physically.
I just... I'm trying to fight this feeling for someone.
I know she doesn't fucking care about me. But I can't help but feel hopeful there's a chance.
I know deep down inside she likes me...
She's just not willing to work with me. She blames her current issues and things, when I know that when we kissed it was something fucking real.
I haven't felt magical in a while. This girl is my "fuck yes!" This girl makes me want to just explode. My heart.. Just thinking about her...
I think she isn't on the same page but I let her know how I feel.
I did my part.
The situation is like this: I'm Ash, and she's Charizard.
I want to have her on my team at all times, but she just wont listen and ignores me. She's too powerful for me to train properly.
I'm not saying I want to train her and dehumanize her it's just a sweet Pokemon reference. Ash loves Charizard and he always hopes deep down he'll come around, but in the end he knows he has to let him go and do his own thing. This is what I need to do. She'll either come around or not. I can't be hanging on to nothing. So I have to keep moving forward in hopes she'll join me.

So work is going OK once I decided to just leave everything at the door when I enter and leave. It's working out really well. I approach everything with a fresh view every time.
I can't keep giving too huge of a fuck for this job when they wont give a fuck about me. I also just need to keep to myself. I realize I can be a bit overbearing when people talk to me because I'm excited to have friends... Some of the people I work with are fucking cold though...
So I just have to keep things to myself.
Needless today I have 2 weeks of vacation in September, MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!
Time away will help things out for sure. I can focus on the stream and work on that pretty hard for a couple of days.

Then I have a wedding at the end of Sept. Jon is getting hitched! He asked me to be up there with him!!! I'm fucking stoked. What an honor.
I knew we'd be best friends the day I met him, but I didn't think I was that important to be up there with him on that important day. Reminds me of someone I used to know, but didn't know well enough. I thought that after all the time we spent together I was important to him, I guess not. Glad that's over with though.

The stream, though! Things with the stream are going really well. I have a ton (20 +/-) of regular viewers lately. I've been streaming more consistently and attracting more and more loyal fans. I broke 1000 followers a week or so ago. Things are looking up.
I know one day I'll hit a lucky streak and get partnered!
Here's hoping!

The "taking control" and just doing things to better my life in a positive way is working out really well.
I have been having a lot less anxiety, and worry. Very low stress levels.

I am learning how to live and exist on a level of comfort with what I have, because it's what I've worked and earned. I'm only entitled to what I have because it's what I earned.

You only need 1 HP, the rest is extra.
My favorite though is, the sun shines on a dogs asshole every once and a while.


Thursday, July 23, 2015

Taking more steps forward.

Greetings. Hello. Hi.
It's me. Zech.
I'm going to just talk.
Things lately have been interesting, for sure...
I've been kind of taking hold of my depression and working against it.
It seems to be working. I've been clearing the air of the bull shit lately too.
I'm kind of bringing in the stuff I want by making goals and working to achieve them.
What I mean is this:
I'm tired of shit in my life. Like literal garbage.
Purging myself of this has been nice.
I'm working to get shit back on track for me.
It's not easy either. The struggle is definitely real.
My goals lately have been to find a better paying job that I don't mind doing.
It's not that my current job isn't awesome, because it is. It's just that the wage I'm getting doesn't reflect my experience, my passion for the work I do / just the work I do, or anything. It's borderline not worth it.
Plus after hearing that others are getting paid significantly more than me kind of hurts, even after when I got the job I asked if the wage reflects my previous experience. Not to mention I didn't get a raise for taking on more responsibility.
These are concerns of mine that have yet to be addressed even after bringing them up several times with in the last couple of months.

I would post more rantings about stuff here but I'm currently exhausted.

Here's progress of my Hylian shirt.


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Salutations. Welcome back.

Hi. It's me. But not the same me. It's the better me. The improved me.
I recently spilled my guts about some internal struggles I was suffering from. Knowing that I put it out there made me feel better. I don't know who's read it, seen it, skimmed it, or anything, but knowing it's just out has made me feel so much more. I FEEL MORE. I know it's a weird sentence. But it gave me a chance to feel normal.

So, get this... With my recent revelation I decided that I am no longer going to use my depression as a crutch. It's not hindering me. It's not some kind of fucking thing that dictates my life. "I" do that. It's my life. Not this heavy weighted cloud. This wet blanket... It's my choice. I let it get a hold of me and it did some damage.
I'm glad I caught it. I just kept thinking about how my mom is.
She's dependent on meds these days. I can't resort to that. I take my mental health upon myself. I am the only change I can make in myself.
Same goes for you too. You can only change if you truly set your mind to it and just fucking do it.

July 13th I told myself I am taking control of things.
I need to make the changes. I need to be the change.
Enough of the- I wish I could or, nah I can't. It's YES. I'm going to try. I'm going to do my damn best to fucking try.

It lit a fire inside me.
I got an idea that I'm running with on this t-shirt.

Here's the rough shit. I'm liking this. I'm working on cleaning up my linework. I'm using pressure sensitivity to the best of my ability.
Also, I have to make sure they all are around the same size. The orange one looks a bit too big IMO.

I like it. I think it'll be good enough to submit to Ript, TFURY or Yetee... We'll see when it's done. Maybe next week or so.

As far as animation goes, I need to work on the things that'll get me a job.
A few lipsyncs would be nice. It can encompass some good character movements and stuff if I plan it right.
I want to start getting my stories down for my guy and his ghost best friend as well as the Oliver and Monsterbutt story.

I'm taking everything one day at a time and not letting good opportunities pass me by.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Pouring out the bottle that is about to explode.

I've just been spending a lot of time inside myself. My mind dojo.
Learning about myself. My limits. My boundaries. What makes me tick. I feel like I've lost myself in some ways.
I can't seem to come to grips with things that are bothering me.
It's like this.. Everyday I know that I am going to die. That day comes closer and closer. Everyday I want to do something with my life. I just can't find out what it is. I'm 29. I'm trying to do the things that I love.
What DO I even love?
What the fuck do I want out of life?
I keep thinking everyday I'm super lucky to be here. Right here. On my bed, with my laptop, internet, not on drugs, with my own spot, solid full time job... And it's like... I could be the exact embodiment of fucked up. My childhood.. Man it was so fucked up. I could have just succumbed to the life and blamed it for my unfortunate situation. People would pity me. They would understand. It would make sense.
And I would have purpose. I could try to come clean, and try to make something of myself. Write a book about how I overcame adversity and the hardships of poverty.
I think about this all the time. I want to write something about how I made it. But what did I make it to? I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT with my life.
Glad I haven't lost the point of what I'm trying to talk about. Sometimes I just rant and it's a jumbled up fucking mess of insanity.

Now, here's what's up. I owe my life to video games. If I didn't have those to escape with I would be insane right now. I would be that guy described above. That might have been the only way for me to handle the stress of my situation.
I've always wanted to do something with video games. I always wished I could be paid to play video games. In this day and age it's so fucking possible. Twitch.tv has shown me this. But honestly I don't think I have what it takes to do it.
I went to school to somehow get a foothold in video games. I just thought that I would learn something or be shown something I was good at so I could apply myself wholeheartedly to it. I went to school and learned that I just am not good at anything. I was surrounded by people with natural talent. Raw, pure fucking talent. And I had to work hard. I had to struggle, and fall and fail to get what I got. To graduate with honors. I earned it. I tried so fucking hard to do it.
I tried so fucking hard to keep myself intact from the shit I grew up with too. It gave me the strength to keep going on.
Now where do I find the strength to keep going here. In my pit of bullshit. My shit hole. My fucking busted up $525/mo shit house I pay for in rent, with my full time job for a bit over minimum wage. How do I find the strength to continue to struggle like this ALONE.
I remember when I was dating Sega.. and I was unemployed and she would be upset at me because I was broke all the time. But I could tell we loved each other because we just did what we could. At least when I had her, she made things better because we struggled together.
I'm not saying having a girlfriend or a wife would make anything better. It's stressful being in a relationship.
I don't think I'm cut out to have something or someone close to me.
I can't even keep friends. What's wrong with me? My best friend wouldn't even invite me to his wedding. I have seriously NOTHING but video games. It's the only thing I have. Aside from a massive pile of debt thanks to college.
I'm trying so hard every day. I show up. I do my responsibilities.
I try harder than Markiplier, or Pewdepie. I do it all alone (with the help of a very small few). I do it with passion because I just keep trying. I go to work so I can keep trying. I work very hard everyday so I can keep trying. I WORK FUCKING HARD for NOTHING to keep TRYING everyday.
I need to sort it out. My values. My concerns. My hopes. My dreams. My everything.
I need to fucking just find my life fuel. My inspiration. My muse.
Yes, it sounds selfish as fuck. MY ME MY MEEE MINE MY SHIT
When do I get what I deserve? When does the struggling stop?
I keep thinking about when we were required to blog for class. We had a checklist.
Talk about what you're doing-
Talk about one or two good things that are working-
Talk about two or three things that are not-
Talk about what will be done by the next blog-
Talk about how you will arrive there-
Talk about what's on the horizon-
I like things like this. Because it shows the struggle and the success.
But lately it just feels like fucking struggle after struggle.
I'm just trying to stream every day, like I did before. Taking time away did nothing but hurt- but the thing is, it's hard to find motivation when there's no gain or feeling of success. It's great to watch others succeed but it's bittersweet because I yearn for that success too.
I've been silent about a lot of the things bothering me lately and this just feels like the time to pour it all out.
I live my life in a routine. Some things I do not like in my routine. I fail to change the routine. It results in self loathing. That lingering self hatred. Self doubt.
That, "I can't get out of bed..." feeling.
That, "I'm fucking depressed." feeling.
That, "Heavy feeling of being weighted down by everything I hope to accomplish but wont because I'm too fucking scared." feeling.
I have all the tools to make things better.
I have this excersize plan I could do, to get me back in shape.
I have the ability to get the help I need to make healthier choices in my diet.
I have no support structure. I have no pillar of strength to lean on. I have no help with anything.
When you say "Hi!! How are you!?" and I respond with "Oh, I'm OK." or "I'm fine!" and I smile. I'm fucking lying. I'm so fucking lying so hard. It's a fucking bullshit front because I have to fake it until I make it. That positive mental attitude is what keeps things going.
This gets us back on track to where I started. I need that positive mind to keep going through this hard ass struggle. I haven't had a recharge to this Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) in a very long time.
Basically there's this. Before I went to school I contemplated suicide.
I thought about it everyday for a while.
Here's why.
When I was a kid, my step-dad thought he was teaching me lessons when he was hitting me. He hit me for everything. I had big bruises on my legs and suffered from the mental and verbal abuse from him as well. It was because I was a kid. He hit me because I did things kids do. I was hit repeatedly one time because I was late. I was hit because I came home after dark. I was hit because of anything. The struggles started there. I mean, it taught me lessons, like to be punctual, and to be respectful. But at what cost?
When I was a teen, I had a sweet job. I worked at GameStop. I learned a lot of bad practices at Game Crazy, my previous job, my first serious job. I had a practice that if a customer helped my numbers, which made me look good, I would reward them with a discount. It happened a lot at Game Crazy because I was the only one working and the numbers made our store one of the best in Arizona. It wasn't like I started the conversation off like that or anything. It's just something I did to keep customer rapport very high. I left the company because after two years of working there they only gave me a .05c raise. Now that, to me, is a slap in the face. I had a lot of self confidence because I knew I was a solid worker. I did well with numbers, and I have damn good customer service skills. I took this to Game Stop who said that they need more people like this. They gave me a great starting pay and eventually I made it to assistant manager. This happened quickly and I didn't have to use any of my bad practices. But one day I made a mistake and gave a friend a discount which got me in trouble. I lost my career idea. I was hoping that one day I would be manager or something. I shit on that idea. My own doing. So I had to find other work. AZ has a weird timezone thing and it made call centers super popular here. So naturally I went there. This is where shit gets bad for me. Call centers are fucking hell. They are soul draining.  This is the only work I did for many years. Hearing about how shit I was from both the people I was trying to help and from the managers. The constant "You're fucking up everything" barrage from both sides. There was nothing that was positive.
I got shit on from both angles, with the idea that the money was worth it. It made me depressed. It reminded me of when I was a kid. Suffering abuse from my step-dad. I was worthless. I was garbage. I was a little fucking kid who could never do anything right. Now I'm not a kid. I'm a grown man with the same shit. Garbage. Worthless... I started developing a weight problem. I thought women would like me because I had money, and I flaunted it. But it got me no where. To this day, I have nothing to show for it except for this internal mental struggle that I am worth something.
I did this work all around town. Trying to just find a place to be. Where can I fit in without the struggle of getting shit on by managers and customers? Where will I be appreciated like I was a Game Crazy? Why can't all jobs be understanding of their workers?
I got a job at this place, GC Services. I started learning about how to do student loan collections. I felt like I was making a difference.
I was well liked by people when I started.
I had experience with dealing with every type of customer and did a damn good job. But the struggle was real. My relationships were failing because of my issues. Which added to the stress of my job. Which made managers talk down to me, which made the job harder. I was basically at a breaking point.
There was nothing I could to to make myself happy. To make my bosses happy. To make the customers happy. I spent my time at my desk trying very hard to make things work.
I started feeling even more worthless.
My life has no meaning. If this is what it is to be an adult, then this is fucking bullshit. This isn't what life is all about. This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. But if I quit, then what? I'm fucked.
There's nothing I can do. I have to keep struggling. This is the cycle I was in. I decided to take my vacation. I went out to visit my aunt and uncle in California for a week or so.
There I was just thinking about everything. Where do I want to go with my life. What am I good at? I felt useless. I felt like, if I went back I would rather be dead. So I sat on the beach. Looking into the ocean. I was just thinking about drowning myself. Or just swimming out as far as I could and just letting myself go, getting tired and just drowning. Maybe I'll just do something else, wreck my car or something. I don't know...
Now that I'm writing about it, it sounds pathetic.
But honestly I was just like fuck this shit.
My aunt and uncle really helped me find somethings missing in myself. Spending that time away and just relaxing, surrounded by people who loved me and genuinely meant it, was amazing.
This is something I do not have today.
But this is what helped me decide to do something I'm passionate about.
So it was school. It was art. It was the only thing I did at my jobs that I liked. I drew at my desk all the time. It was one thing I really liked doing, aside from playing video games.
It was the idea of structure, discipline, mentors, peers... Everything got me feeling better about myself...
And then I realized I might make it. I might have something.
I continued with the idea that I would be something, in order to find out I'm one of the many struggling to get a job in something that's over saturated.
I'm doing that with my stream on twitch as well. I'm trying to do what everyone is doing. And I'm not fucking good at it. So I struggle.
And it keeps reinforcing those ideas that I'm worthless. I'm garbage. What's the point?
So the internal struggle every day is just that. A fucking struggle.
I'm trying so hard to just be something good- Something cool. Something worth it.

I am nothing.

I keep thinking about this- I'm going to die. I will be nothing then, so what's the point? Why struggle?
I keep waking up everyday in hopes that something will change but I don't change my routine. I am broken. I am nothing.

But it's like this, why kill myself? It's stupid. Selfish...
I am nothing.
What's the point anymore?


Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Working on stuff. A little.


I was having a hard time getting inspired this evening but I ended up looking at a bunch of street art. I then got a huge thing to say something that's been on my mind for a while.
So here's some tidbits of what's coming from that.
I just want to do stuff that I like. I dunno. I hope other people like it too.
Fuck it.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

=)


Hey guys. It's been some time huh? Just like a few weeks or so. I've been streaming the art on Wednesdays on twitch.
We completed the Zinogre shirts. Working on the Mega Man and Samus one now.
I got flat colors and some basic line. I think I'm going to go full vector shapes with it. So shapes on shapes to achieve the look I want.
Here's the progress of the work- You can see the full progress line if you check the previous posts.
I have a strong feeling these can generate some new traffic to my RedBubble site.

I've been feeling a lot better about things lately. Not as dark or depressed, and for the most part, genuinely pretty happy.



Thursday, May 28, 2015

Doin' Stuff...


First, I have this thing that I like. And it's the image at the top. Samus and Mega Man.
I think they are cool. So I'm putting them on a shirt. There's my rough drawing.
I'm getting to it. It's real.

Second, here's another thing I like. It's progress on my Zinogre T.
I just did some finer details around the horn and mouth. Making it similar to the Deviljho T as much as possible. I'm excited for that design because I feel like it's going to be more popular than the Jho shirt.

Here's to doing things you're more passionate about.
Stay strong out there.

In typing that, it made me want to blog more. I've been trying to live a better life since I graduated school. I've been trying to live a better life because of the crap I grew up with.
It's hard to keep going sometimes. And it's in moments where you're doing stuff you love, that the sit doesn't matter anymore. Finding things you're passionate about and just going at them full force.
I love the comp of that Mega Man / Samus T. I just love it. It looks cool. And it's because I love both of those characters that I invested a lot into the rough. I'm excited to take it further. And this excitement is something I haven't felt in a while. I hope this carries over a lot. I'm hoping to have a good change in mood now. I gotta be positive. I gotta be happy. I've gotta work on these things all together and at once. I can't let the shit get to me and drain me.
It's a long and hard road. I wonder what'll be said about me if I died.


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Just... Still here.

Hi. Just catching up with you guys after a much needed break.
I've been thinking about stuff that's cool and important to me.
What's it going to be like for me in the future? What's the purpose I hold deep with-in me to keep moving forward? What's the fucking point? What's worth it?

Lot's of stress on myself lately because I just want to be the best person I can be before I leave this world. I grew up in a shitty environment and I just don't want to perpetuate cycles and keep the shit going on forever. I want to break the cycle and the chain that was cast on me.
I try really hard at my job. I try really hard for the people I care about. I try too much and I expect too much.
These are thoughts I've been processing a lot lately.
I've been taking on a lot of responsibility for shit I don't have to. I was stressing about shit I don't have to. I was doing things that I don't have to. I was doing it because I want people to succeed. I want people to look at me positively. I want to have a good impact on everything around me that I directly care about.

It wasn't working nor was it doing anything that I wanted.

I feel free.

I'm letting go of the shit.
I'm letting go of the whispers behind my back of blatant shit talk.
I'm letting go of giving advice that is falling on deaf ears.
I'm letting go of trying to make sure others succeed when it's obvious they don't care!
I'm going to focus on making sure I do a good job at anything I put my focus on.
I'm making sure I am the best I can be at anything I do, period.

I'm working on things now, slowly, but still doing something.
The stream is going well. I decided to just stream on Tuesdays. Doing it during the week is just really stressful for me. I know people want consistency but I just can't stream all the time like I used to.
My job means a lot to me and if I were to lose it- I'd be fucked.
I don't have the safety of living with anyone rent free / worry free.
I have these responsibilities I chose to have to keep my life simplified.
This job allows me to do the things I like doing- Collect video games, Play games, and Make ART.

The stream is a big time focus for me. I want nothing more in the world then to be a popular video game player online. I want nothing more than an awesome niche on Twitch.tv.
I want nothing more than the ability to hang out with people online who care about me and my opinions. I want to make cartoons with them. I want to make art with them. I want them to support me in these ventures. And I want to be a leader of this cool community on twitch.

I've been doing some art stuff on the side. Nothing too crazy.
Making a Zinogre version of the Deviljho T-shirt I made. He's a bit more popular so I hope to make some money, as selfish as it sounds, off this T-
I was doodling some shit at work, so there's Mario and Luigi, Clunk and Swiggins, and then Mega Man. These are things that kinda just are inside my mind and want to get out in some creative way.
I hope to turn these into successful designs or something.
The Zin piece is going to take some work, much like the Jho one. I don't expect to have it ready / done so quickly. I want it to look awesome.
I can't let anyone down.





Wednesday, May 6, 2015

I guess I'm just going to blog.

Hmm.. Sitting here for a couple of hours, I couldn't seem to drive myself to do anything. Even with two weeks off there's nothing that was itching to come out of me.
Maybe because I lost that structure of school, I've lost touch with my creativity?
I'm at a loss for a lot of things.
I mean, there are times where I get struck with an idea- but I just can't do anything about it. I'm either working, or something else is going on.
I got my stuff together tonight to do some storyboarding for a cartoon.
I had written a story in college and figured it's enough to start this cartoon. Which, the writing is OK.. But I couldn't seem to get my mental images down on paper while reading it.
It's not that the writing wasn't descriptive. It's just I didn't know what to do.

I looked through my sketchbook, and it's the one I used in senior year, so my stuff was still in there from when I did other cartoons. I just looked at it and it felt foreign, I couldn't understand how I had gone from writing to the storyboards so easily. I've come to the conclusion that it was the deadlines and the pressure that got to me. That has to be the driving factor.. Honestly there's no reason why I can't just sit down and do something that means a lot to me.
I want to do these two cartoon ideas but I think the idea of doing it alone is what's hurting me.
I need to nurture these fucking creative things / feelings. I can't give up on it.

Maybe the more I write about it, the more I'll do something about it.
I wonder if it's a lack of support?

So the idea that I'm working on right now is my story, Oliver and Monster Butt.
It's a story that follows a child who has an imaginary friend who's actually a stuffed toy. The story is about Oliver and the abuse he suffers, and how he deals with it.
Monster Butt is able to help him overcome the overwhelming mental stress by taking him on adventures in a land that is make believe. Monster Butt is the protector of Oliver. His guardian.
They play a lot together, and when Oliver is just being a child his step father takes it too far with punishment. Monster Butt is there to protect him in the imaginary world. So Oliver suffers from a disconnection with the abuse because no child should ever have to suffer for just being a kid.
Gerard, the step-dad, doesn't care either way. Oliver is just a misbehaving boy who can never do anything right. But in all reality, he's an intelligent, bright little kid with a lot of heart.
His mom, Elise, can't really do anything about the situation because she too is being abused by Gerard as well. They are all suffering in their own ways.

The story will go over a lot of situations with Oliver and Monster Butt.
I pull a lot of ideas from the actual abuse and trauma I suffered from when I was a kid.
I think it brings a level of realness to the story that helps me overcome a lot of the issues I had with it.
When I was growing up I held a lot of anger and hatred for what happened to me, but as I got older I realized that these feelings aren't good ones to nurture or take care of. Letting go and accepting it was extremely difficult to me. Writing for this cartoon and actually taking a crack at it helps confront those fears and anxieties created a long time ago. It's been very relieving and stress reducing.
I've grown up with a lot of anxiety and angst. Dealing with it has always resorted to bad thoughts, like I'm not worth it, or I'm just garbage. Because this is how he made us feel. I realized that later in life, I had a lot to offer and that I wasn't fucking useless or garbage. But man it was hard to see these things because of how he treated us. It took my mom 17 years to get away from his abuse, and that meant that in those 17 years we suffered a lot of shit, that wasn't required. I don't blame her for putting use through that. She just thought every child should have a mother and a father.

Anyways, I took a crack at this story and did a small snippet for a college project, the reactions I got from students and faculty were overwhelming. I didn't realize it was such a deep impact.

I'm going to try my hardest to get it going. I tried tonight, but no progress. Here's hoping for a more successful next week.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Getting something done, at least something...

Here's an Awesomenauts t I made. It's pretty OK in my book.
I hope the simplicity is what drives sales.

Hi there! It seems like it's been a while. It probably has.
Things are going up and down. More down, infrequent ups, more down.
Just trying to figure out things and make goals for myself.
I feel like I'm lacking a lot of goals.
I think it's bringing down my PMA (positive mental attitude).
Trying to keep myself up in spirits, but I just think I'm worried about things I cannot control.
`

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Slowly getting into a good feeling.

Been making some changes in my life and looking at things in a more positive way.
I think a positive mental attitude is a great way to tackle things that are very difficult, and keeping this PMA is very difficult through the really fucking challenging things.




I did a new avatar for my online shit, like for my twitch and stuff.
There's my rough and then my vector final version.

I think it's cool.

working on this make it rain tshirt. here's the progress so far.

Seems to be going along decently.

In the future I hope to have some more roughs done. Working on an overlay for my twitch.tv since we now have a blue screen effect. Gotta make things look cool!
We are at 750+ followers right now, getting about 20 - 30 people watching consistently.

Donations are helping as well as I opened a patreon account to hit milestone goals and supporter goals.

Shit's been going OK lately.
We'll see what happens-


Thursday, March 19, 2015

Feeling OK.

I did that today in hopes that it becomes as popular as my original monster hunter t involving the meat and the bbq spit. We'll see.
It's really simple, which is what I think drove the sales of the other t.
It's inspired by the simple t's that rescues do to help boost funds during fundraisers, or for people who support them.  In Monster Hunter 4 you can rescue Felynx / Melynx that are called Palicoes. They are your little battle companions. You can equip armor and give them weapons as they help you take down huge monsters. The inspiration fits just that as you visit Sunsnug Island and see there's a spot for every Palico you rescue!

Guys, I just wanted to say that life has been very difficult for me this year, but I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can see level ground. I see secure footing. I see stability. Finally.
I've put up for sale a lot of my childhood items. And I think letting go of the stuff will be a bit of a metamorphosis of who I am as a human being.
Being able to let go of my Nintendo 64 stuff the other day was rough but also very relieving.
I am able to resolve a legal garnishment against me because of this sale. I put up my SNES and my NES as well. I hope those sell too.

 I've been struggling with personal issues lately too. I've been feeling like shit and something really stuck with me today and I burst into tears. It was really fucking odd for me considering I haven't cried in a long time. I blame my past and my step-dad for that..  I had to be tough and I couldn't cry or it'd get worse. ----- I digress.
Markiplier was playing a game, The Static That Speaks My Name, and in the game there was an option to say something that really hit me deep, which is what kinda made me tear up but at the end... He started talking about how suicide isn't the option and it just hit me pretty hard.
What the option was in the game read, " I'm embarrased for everyone who ever believed in me... "
This is exactly how I feel, or felt anyways. To a "T" and it really made me think about where I stand, who I am, and where I am right now at that moment. I have felt this way, often. And even for the people who still felt like they should help me. It just hurt me the more I saw I was hurting them.
There's always a better option, he said to the camera. There is reason to live, he said to me.
There has to be a better way, he said to ME. Even though he was talking to the camera. He was talking to me.

I felt like shit. Like, who am I to be so selfish.

Anyways, the stream has been doing extremely well. I got stuff to finish my 'green' screen, which is actually blue. I got a sweet lighting kit to get the full effect. The stream looks 100% legit twitch official. I'm so excited. The viewers have been supporting me like crazy. I'm signing up for a Patreon account for further support on a monthly basis.

I'm trying to think of shit to work on for next wednesday... I need to get writing for my cartoon. I need to make some stuff for comic-con.. I need to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do with myself.

But I know this. Things will always work out if I just keep on trying.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

losing sight of what's important.

Hey guys, just wanted to update because it looks like there's been quite a gap since I posted last.
I've been kinda depressed due to the shit that's been going on lately.
I just don't know what to do with my life. I'm getting really tired of the routine and I'm kinda just looking for something exciting.
I'm feeling jaded. There are a few things that have been brightening me up though, so it's not as bad as it seems.

I finished up that design of the melynx. I'm totally satisfied with it.
I feel the little improvements the more I make more work.

I have some stuff in the works. The Mario card is in the rework stage. Trying to figure out how to simplify it.

I'm thinking about those animals with guns and making one other one to make it a cool t shirt series, or something. I gotta think of a cool style to do them in as well..

I dropped some previous ideas that involved Monster Hunter 3 since 4 is out now and the stuff has moved on. I want to make a Palico related tshirt. Like a palico house for wayward cats, I dunno... Something a long the lines of that. Or like a rescue tshirt since you kinda do rescue them with your hunter.

I'm getting more and more ideas onto paper with my damn cartoon.
I didn't think it was going to be so hard working on something but it's so challenging to get anything done. I want to work on it so much but between my full time job and my part time streaming job I can't do shit. I just need to get shit down on paper and just plug along...

We'll see what the days hold for me. I'm skeptical but hopeful.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

More stuff in the rough..

I like it cause it rhymes.




I like these done rough. But I hope to have them pretty cleaned up by the time they're in flash / photoshop. I'm not sure a color scheme or style I want them in yet either. I want them to be pretty cool looking (doesn't any artist want that for their work?!) with a decent level of polish.

So this week I just kinda focused on the stuff I said I would do in college. I revisited some ideas I left behind from that time. I'm actually pretty happy with these roughs, but I gotta find a better pose or something with the panda. I'm not 100% on him yet. The zebra is dope tho!

On the horizon I hope to just clean them up and figure out how I'm going to put them on a t.
Feeling more and more productive with these Wednesday drawing sets.
I like being able to kinda sit down and separate myself from the bull shit that has been happening all year. It's good to be disconnected and reconnect to the person on the inside.
I feel like most days I'm going through the motions and it's mainly because people that are around me don't really get me.
I realized this the other day when I caught up with someone from school after a while of not seeing her. It's like- I'm not 100% understood with who's around me because they don't give me a chance.
Everyone has their guard up and no one takes me for me at face value.
I'm a hard worker, and when I'm passionate about something I do my best at it. I guess just not everyone see's that.
I'll leave you with this, this week: Do what you feel in your heart, because in the end the only person you have to answer to is yourself. I think I'd hate the fact that when I'm dying and I look back on my life and see risks I should have taken or things I didn't fully explore. Don't worry about being judged because everyone does it to you already, and when you're dead and gone it wont matter what you did or didn't do to those people. Work for yourself and make yourself better / happier / awesome. Don't let people take that away. Be yourself and just be happy.
It's what I'm trying to do. Been getting a lot of speed bumps this year, but I think it's because I'm on the right path.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

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art related post here.





Lol just kidding. Hey guys what's up? I've been suffering from a sickness that has kept me pretty much operating at minimum capacity. I am getting back to normal slowly.
I've also been suffering from a garnishment and I'm glad to hear that today it's pretty much halfway paid off. I hope to resolve this issue when the balance gets lower. It's hard to be garnished and save money at the same time.
The stream is going really well lately, which is shocking. I didn't really think I'd be streaming still. I kinda did it for fun when I got started but now I kinda like it a lot. I think consistency is what attracts the viewers. So if I'm always on at the certain times they can always tune in to catch me.
I like that my stream is doing decent. It means I'm up to something.
I just did my 3rd 24 hour stream. I don't think I'll ever do another one again- We'll have to see. They are very demanding. Also, it's just hard to be entertaining for the majority of it.


I've been working on artwork today. I vowed that today would be execution.
So there was something I worked on for a bit. I think I need to do a bit more to it... I was satisfied with it earlier, but there's something missing. I do have text to go with it. Just didn't have enough time to complete it 100%.




Ok, so here's the other thing I'm working on. It's something that was inspired by a little card I saw. It was of a surfer guy looking out into the ocean. But I wanted to do this with Mario looking out to super mario world. So obviously Mario is missing, but I didn't have enough time to get him in there, which is awesome because I need to really simplify this image a lot.

So here's what I'm working on so far, obviously the two images above. A metroid / samus t which I have two ideas I'm working on with it. Another monster hunter t, which is still in the loose rough that involves the minions chacha and kiyamba.

 Keep an eye out for the shit.