If I Were to do it Part 3

Dear Nicole, Coley!
Thank you for spending the last 10 years talking to me. We've spent a lot of time just chatting and shooting the shit but today we actually made a memory worth having.
We spent the better part of a day finally hanging out and it felt awesome to finally see who you were. I think for once in this bit, I was happy! So thanks for being there for me when I was taking care of some life business. Hope you carry on and keep things good.

Dear Raul I,
You have been a true bud. Your sense of humor has made things easier to bear. It's been good to hang out and talk to you about things and get perspective. You have a good head on your shoulders and you really are destined for greatness.

If I Were to do it Part 2

To Maya,
Thanks for always being a light in the darkness.
You have your own complex life with your own problems and things, but you have always been so kind to me. I think genuine people attract other genuine people and it's nice to know that there was someone out there that treated me like how I wanted to be treated.
You are a true friend and the way that you always hugged me and said the right things to keep pushing is something I'm glad to have had.
Today alone, you provided perspective to my situation reminding me that I am not garbage. I am a human being that is deserving of things like a genuine smile and compassion. I've always worked so hard to build solid relationships but our friendship seems so natural.
Thanks for that.

To Jesse,
You are a positive part of my week. You're striving just like me to be something better. I appreciate you being a true pal. You're just a good human with qualities I wish I had in myself. Glad to have spent time and made art with you.

To Kirstin,
You were there for some of my dark days, and you were there for some of the light ones. You really did help with making things seem less shitty. I can't say it enough with how much I appreciate you reaching out to me and getting me out of my hermit modes. Glad you were able to get things in your life sorted out and it's nice to know you're on the right path. Sorry I gave up. Just keep fighting, I know it will get better.

If I were to do it. Part 1

If I were to do it, I guess I would write something that reads something like this:


To me Mah,
What a shame, right? I hope you don't think it's got anything to do with you. Because know in my words right now it does not and did not.
You did your best with what you had. I never resented you or anything.
I just wish you worked harder on helping yourself with your mental illness and worked harder on trying to get better. It feels like you gave up and it's hard to see how strong you used to be and see you just give up and not try anymore.
You are worth so much more and I love you.

To Jon,
You either get killed or kill yourself.
You were good to me, dude. I don't know if I had ever even tried to explain how much of a good friend you were. It's like we were brothers from another life and it was destiny for me to have a person like you around.
I'm grateful you helped me out in times of need and I'm super glad you were around to make some of the hardest days not so hard.
We tried. You just gotta try twice as hard now for both of us.

To Barbara,
Even though I know you'd never read it or hear about it, I would hope you think things went better for me.
I would want you to know that our interactions did genuinely make me feel like a regular human being.
You are such a nice person and it really radiates outwards. I truly wish you well and I appreciate the kindness you have shown me. I wanted to cry when you bought me lunch today because I felt like I didn't deserve it at all. You were actually the reason why I wanted to write anything at all.

These feelings... They can only be described as post convention sads.

It's great when you can spend time doing stuff you like, and then make some money off of it.
Tucson Comic Con was fun. Sold some stuff and made some pocket change, which quickly went to life necessities.
But it was nice to not have to worry or stress about it. I was just able to handle business as usual.
Life outside of it just kind of stinks.
It's like, you do what makes your soul burn. You feel those fires rising up inside you and you want to fan the flames but then reality hits and you realize you can't.
You have to work doing other things in order to make this dream happen.
It's a little depressing.
I just want to be happy.
I guess all the things I do will fill that cup of happiness just one drop at a time.
Alright, well enough bitching. I seem to complain a lot about things.
All things aside. The things in my life aren't that bad, honestly.
I just feel like I expect more from myself and then I get lazy and don't deliver.
I think the core of my issues all start with me and I am just too lazy to really do anything about it. As if I'm too scared to make a change for the better.

 We are all seeking validation in different forms.
I think the convention weekend validated some of my struggles with my emotions, passions, drives, and personal strengths.
I just have to keep working towards the life I want.
Eventually I will be able to be a professional doing the things I adore.

The Rick & Morty print was the most successful one I had, next to the 11 vs Demigorgon.
I think the pop culture items and the hot items of the month are the best sellers for sure.
A lot of people looking for that fresh appeal, wanting something unique.
The sticker grab bags didn't work out like I had hoped. I think people weren't too into taking the risk. It was affordable but I think they were scared of getting something they didn't like.
Overall though I would do con again. Even though I didn't make thousands of dollars I felt like it was a great experience and I'm definitely getting better as time goes on.
Artists were talking about taking advantage of local art shows like RAW and others to get better exposure and possibly come across better opportunity

I'm hopeful for the future with art and design.

Prints are Ready to ROLL

Got things settled for Con this year.
I didn't make as much as I wanted but I have some cool things.
8x10 prints will be available as well as sticker grab bags.
The stickers are designs that were available last year, so if you remember any of those and didn't get a chance to get one I'll hook you up better this year.
Prints will be limited so if you like what you see come by and snag one!

I'll post up the progress pictures and talk about how I completed these in the future.
I'm wrapped up in something that just popped up.
I was invited to make some art for a children's book.
I hope the author likes my work!
Gotta get cracking on getting something to show them!

Splatoon X Panty & Stocking

Here's what getting work done looks like.
Let's keep the steam pumping. Chug-a-chug-a-Chooo-CHOOOOO!

Rick and Morty X Samurai Jack

Here's what a good day looks like.
Let's have more of these. 

The Tears Roll Down.

I was reading today about some of my issues and how I should attempt to solve them.

One of the things that stood out to me the most was trying to take more risks and be more honest with myself.
Also, to just ultimately reach out to people instead of thinking I'm not good enough and just being silent.
I recently did this.
I found someone I thought would make a great friend and even took the risk of asking them to hang out. Which was a success, but overall it turned into a nightmare.

I'm not one for breaking routine or going outside my comfort zones because honestly I'm tired of getting hurt, but this time I was just like fuck it. What's there to lose? And honestly I wish I never had said anything because it would be better to have the chit-chat and what-ifs over this.
Let me explain.
Have you ever been in a situation where you just naturally click with someone and while you chat with them you feel like your battery is recharging? You aren't being drained of your life essence? You feel like a normal human being? 

I have that with only a few people I deal with on a daily basis.
It's great. I am not the robot at the register. I can be Zach. I can be me and they like me for me.

I feel like the first problem with this situation is that the person I asked to be my friend is a woman.
Not trying to sound sexist, but it already does. Just follow along here.

I am a chubby guy and I feel like I may not be the most handsome guy, or let alone an inkling of charming, but after a few great conversations with this woman, she told me specifically that she thought I was charming and that she's always had a good time connecting with me. That was my signal to hang out, outside of work. I mean- I even was clear, as friends, not looking for anything romantic. Not being clear on that front tends to cause issues with things like, "Oh I thought you were being nice cause you wanted to fuck me." as well as other things along those lines.
Sure, she's cute and we share a lot of similar interests but honestly I can't even consider dating someone, let alone giving my broken ass to someone with the idea of like, "OK you figure it out cause I can't!"
So we hang out and we have a great time. Sharing experiences and everything. Hours pass by and we're just having this grand time. I find out all kinds of stuff, I share stuff, we are grooving. It's all around a great time.
I tell her that I'm grateful for her shaking up my reality and showing me I'm not just some robot and reminding me that there's substance to me.
We agree to hang out again.
Messages become one word answers from her.
I ask what's up and it's always "Busy" or something else.
This is immediately a red flag to me, triggering my internal issues telling me that I fucked something up. I mean how is it that we could get along so well for so long then all of a sudden she just walls up and shuts me out?
I just feel like I said something wrong, or maybe she thought I was playing a different angle.
I honestly just wanted to get out of my comfort zone and have a new friend in my life that I could share things with. Yes it started out with these ideas of attraction. She's a Pisces and I'm a Capricorn. We have chemistry that's not on a level of earthly understanding. We just knew we would be good friends but then it's just tossed aside from fears on her end?
This situation happens a lot with me.
I want to just want something new. Finding friends is hard and I just don't know what to do to combat my loneliness.
I've been reading about it a lot.
It's cause from a lot of the childhood trauma I suffered. I have to some how come to terms with it, which for the most part I have. I feel at peace with what happened to me and I feel like a big person and a better human. I don't let it bug me too much but there's things that just still have ripples from that time. Like me feeling useless and annoying. Or that I just don't fit in. No one thinks I'm cool. I have to try twice as hard to get things. My negative internal monologue. My inability to complete artwork or projects because of constant failure.
The trigger with this situation just made me feel like all of the things. A failure mainly because I can't even be someones friend.

making a list and checking it twice for comic con in november. 

A Rick & Morty x Samurai Jack

 

A Splatoon x Panty & Stocking.

A Breath of the Wild inspired design. 

I wanted to do something with the Master Sword and Link that I haven't really seen before so I liked where this one was going. 

And some shit I was thinking about with the Deku Tree.

Thinking about 7 other things to do. 10 drawings exclusive for the con. Selling just a couple of prints and then the stuff that didn't sell last year.
Thinking about doing sticker grab bags that have a mix of the stuff I made. Sounds fun.

All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here... In my arms!

I've been going through a lot of emotional shit and self destruction.

Some shit I have just been going through is highlighted here today.

Hope is a powerful tool to help you stay positive and moving forward. It is a light to shine on the dark things. It's a reminder that even though it's bad now it wont be later.
Today after a tough day I get home to a letter involving an old outstanding debt where if I do not pay I will be garnished.
I've struggled a lot in the past and when I finally start getting into my stride something I did always trips me up.
It's hard for me lately. It's hard to live, when all I do is work to pay for the place I'm living and for a few comforts at home.
I feel like I'm not even living a life worth remembering.
I'm stuck in this limbo where I try to do things and accomplish or follow my dreams but it's just mediocre and dumb. Nothing comes of my endeavors. I'm not doing this, or I'm not trying enough, or what ever the case may be.
You definitely have to work for the best things in life.
I've been working hard. Where can I catch a break?
Hope seems like a tiny single loose thread that I can't even grasp anymore.

Just today I've been thinking about shit that's been going on with me and I always had this quote floating around in the back of my mind.
"If you think you're depressed first take inventory of your surroundings, you might be around assholes"

Or something of that effect.

So my thoughts tonight are:
When you realize the problem isn't internal, that it's external and you aren't being satisfied by what you've been doing to survive. It's weird when you get some perspective on things.

I have been a very internal person and I always look at things and analyze them. Maybe a bit more than I should.

Something I am suffering from in my lively hood right now:

Loneliness. This is always my #1.

I am tired of being alone and fighting alone.

My love life is horrid. I tend to gravitate towards girls who just don't get me. let alone want to. They just play games and toy around.
Not sure how having someone else in my life will help me feel better when I can't even hang by myself.

But the most important thing I recently discovered are:

Where I am, people with poor performance are tolerated and sometimes celebrated.

I try not to take things personal and just keep the focus on the main things that help me keep my job: Helping customers and taking pride in the work I do for the store.
I've made myself available and swapped shifts for people, I've offered to redo things like displays and offered my opinions on how to handle certain things involving my forte in customer service.
This goes into some things I personally do not like or enjoy about it so far.
It's hard to sever the negative bullshit when you have to work next to it all day.
This is my challenge everyday. Stand next to someone who everyone openly complains about involving their attitude and how they operate.

This leads to not being recognized for my accomplishments.

Which also shadows my skills and amazing customer service skill set, or the ability to do more than the dull shit I have been assigned to do.

This means I am completely unable to pursue my passions. 

I feel wholly unsatisfied at the end of the day with the job I do.
Like there's no fulfillment when it's like I could do nothing and still be there, cause others do it!

I need to sort my fucking life out.
CAR > MOVE AWAY > ??? > PROFIT

this is the basic outline I have for my future right now.

Vehicle, but the obstacle is a few debts I have to resolve before any bank or anything can get me the money I need.
I can try to save but it's already so tight being single and solo.

Once I get a car, I feel like things will be better.
It's been 7 or so years!
Biking is great and all but damn I feel like it's hindering my life.

been trying to make stuff for comic con. Got some ideas of trying to make some fanart to make some money. We'll see what comes of it. In the meantime I have done some shitty scribbles!

 

Got a broken heart thief right here.  I just like how it looks and it's pretty much a self portrait. 

 

I wanted to do these cool card sets of A K Q J of Pokemon and some of their types so like a Leaf set with Venusaur as the K, Ivysaur as the Q and Bulbasaur as the J. And do this with most of the starters, of course figuring out something for the Ace too! But there's what I had so far. Lot's of just messing around.

Been playing a lot of Splatoon on my new Nintendo Switch!
I wanted to do a mashup and I figured a Panty & Stocking mash up with Splatoon would be great, knocking out two things I wanted to draw into one cool thing that COULD be at Tucson Comic Con.

OK, rant over. see ya.

Toy Like People Make Me Boy Like.

Hey guys. Been battling a personal wall that I built up a long time ago. Finally got it to where I can see the light through it.
I've been really critical about how others perceive me and it's been hurting me a lot. It's because when I was growing up I was always told I was a piece of shit and I'm worthless. So I always had this thing in the back of my head that I should be a better example and stuff, but honestly I think me trying to be cool with everyone has put a damper on everything. Stifling myself to appease the others.
It's honestly liberating to let go of how people see me. I can't give myself up for others anymore, especially when they don't give a shit about me to begin with.
I was giving too much power to people who don't care.
I care too much about the wrong thing. So I figured it out. I gotta focus on the ZECH. Not the cunt who hates their life trying to bring people down around them because they can't check their baggage before they come to work.
I have been at peace these last few days because of this realization.
Working for myself and my self peace has been nice.
Internal zen.

Anyways. Check out some stuff I haven't posted.

Something magical and it's been on my mind a lot.
I've been spending a lot of time learning about myself and my emotions lately.
I'm a fucking wreck. Haha!

Get that on cool merch here !

Also, something that I'm not too satisfied with but I made it.

 

I like the skulls and the money, but I dunno. I wanna mess around with the type and text more. Not sure when I'll get around to it.

Rough idea for a cross over. Samus / Metroid with the classic Offspring album cover.
That's just a rough drawing so I'll have to take some time to clean the shit up and get it to pro status.

Working on a sad robot too. More progress coming soon.

I hold the fire. I fight the good fight. I'm a good guy.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to me at all.
I was always told to follow my dreams and do what's right in my heart.
But after years of trying to do what speaks to me on all the different levels I still don't get anywhere with it.
I had a dream years ago when I started streaming on Twitch, that I would eventually have a support structure in place where I could stream and this would be my full time job.
I would create content via playing games and streaming my artistic endeavors.
I thought that in college that I was going to find my niche or my groove and just keep riding the wave.
It just turns out that in my senior year of college it was obvious the education I received was questionable and for a fact it did not prepare me for the work force in the animation world today.
I learned a lot about myself in college, and through out all of my hardships in life.
I learned that I have a strong sense of work ethic. I do not give up easily.
I follow my gut instincts and I always try to do what's right.
After 4 years or so streaming on Twitch and my whole life drawing and making art, it's hard to accept failure.
I learned that when you feel like giving up is when you should push harder because you're on the brink of a break through, BUT, I've been at this point several times in the past.
I always just want to keep trying and never give up, because of the "HOPE" that it will finally be my day.
I've accepted the fact that I am not the greatest artist, or the greatest person alive.
I understand that success isn't owed to me. I get it. I know long hours, tears, blood, life force, EVERYTHING goes into getting there.
Maybe I'm not putting in everything, doing everything, giving everything, and that's why I haven't made it.
Honestly... I want it. I want a comfortable life where I don't have to worry anymore.
I'm tired of worrying. I've been worrying about money and shit since I was 10.
Another part of that dream was just being able to support myself making art. Doing the whole content creation and being able to do conventions network, then show people, grow, rinse repeat.
It's like it would have been self sustaining if it all worked out.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?
What did I do, or say?
What the hell?

well, alright?

working on some goofy ideas.
Wanted to start doing stuff with phrases and what not.
I'm working on two ideas loosely right now. One is the above seen rough drawing of a goat who's "horny and lonely'
The other one is "Trade Paper Until You Die"

Anyways, I loved appropriating the satanic goat devil doing the shocker making a goofy goat face as my imagery.
I was streaming on Twitch and chatting up with my viewers while making this, taking suggestions and getting on the spot critiques.

I went through and drew this a couple of times to get kinks out and get a feel for a style I wanted.
I'm going to lay down all the flat colors and then do some details on top to bring it together.

Here's where we ended tonight.

I also showed off some of the progress on the TPUYD piece.

Just working on basic stuff on those ones, like style and colors.
They're coming together and I'm trying to produce more personal work instead of trying to do mash-ups and shit.
Getting ready to do Tucson Comic Con again in November.
Not sure how things are going to roll out but I might be getting some keychains or enamel pins.
Haven't quite figured it out yet.

Anyways, HI. Bye.
See you soon.

cool

Hey there, reader! How's it going for you? Is this just a stupid simple formality to engage you? Want to just get to the meat of it? Cool.

OK so I've messed around with the idea of mixing Splatoon and Jet Set Radio before but this time I've actually made the leap and did it.

Well, I decided to try out a couple of things but I settled on this rough idea and went with it. 

Hmm. Well, looking to make some keychains for maybe enamel pins?
I don't know. Pins can get pretty expensive quickly, so I'll have to do some more research and money saving.

I also worked on another mash up, Rick & Morty X Ren & Stimpy.

I didn't do progress shots of this one, I just kinda banged it out.