Hmm.. Sitting here for a couple of hours, I couldn't seem to drive myself to do anything. Even with two weeks off there's nothing that was itching to come out of me.
Maybe because I lost that structure of school, I've lost touch with my creativity?
I'm at a loss for a lot of things.
I mean, there are times where I get struck with an idea- but I just can't do anything about it. I'm either working, or something else is going on.
I got my stuff together tonight to do some storyboarding for a cartoon.
I had written a story in college and figured it's enough to start this cartoon. Which, the writing is OK.. But I couldn't seem to get my mental images down on paper while reading it.
It's not that the writing wasn't descriptive. It's just I didn't know what to do.
I looked through my sketchbook, and it's the one I used in senior year, so my stuff was still in there from when I did other cartoons. I just looked at it and it felt foreign, I couldn't understand how I had gone from writing to the storyboards so easily. I've come to the conclusion that it was the deadlines and the pressure that got to me. That has to be the driving factor.. Honestly there's no reason why I can't just sit down and do something that means a lot to me.
I want to do these two cartoon ideas but I think the idea of doing it alone is what's hurting me.
I need to nurture these fucking creative things / feelings. I can't give up on it.
Maybe the more I write about it, the more I'll do something about it.
I wonder if it's a lack of support?
So the idea that I'm working on right now is my story, Oliver and Monster Butt.
It's a story that follows a child who has an imaginary friend who's actually a stuffed toy. The story is about Oliver and the abuse he suffers, and how he deals with it.
Monster Butt is able to help him overcome the overwhelming mental stress by taking him on adventures in a land that is make believe. Monster Butt is the protector of Oliver. His guardian.
They play a lot together, and when Oliver is just being a child his step father takes it too far with punishment. Monster Butt is there to protect him in the imaginary world. So Oliver suffers from a disconnection with the abuse because no child should ever have to suffer for just being a kid.
Gerard, the step-dad, doesn't care either way. Oliver is just a misbehaving boy who can never do anything right. But in all reality, he's an intelligent, bright little kid with a lot of heart.
His mom, Elise, can't really do anything about the situation because she too is being abused by Gerard as well. They are all suffering in their own ways.
The story will go over a lot of situations with Oliver and Monster Butt.
I pull a lot of ideas from the actual abuse and trauma I suffered from when I was a kid.
I think it brings a level of realness to the story that helps me overcome a lot of the issues I had with it.
When I was growing up I held a lot of anger and hatred for what happened to me, but as I got older I realized that these feelings aren't good ones to nurture or take care of. Letting go and accepting it was extremely difficult to me. Writing for this cartoon and actually taking a crack at it helps confront those fears and anxieties created a long time ago. It's been very relieving and stress reducing.
I've grown up with a lot of anxiety and angst. Dealing with it has always resorted to bad thoughts, like I'm not worth it, or I'm just garbage. Because this is how he made us feel. I realized that later in life, I had a lot to offer and that I wasn't fucking useless or garbage. But man it was hard to see these things because of how he treated us. It took my mom 17 years to get away from his abuse, and that meant that in those 17 years we suffered a lot of shit, that wasn't required. I don't blame her for putting use through that. She just thought every child should have a mother and a father.
Anyways, I took a crack at this story and did a small snippet for a college project, the reactions I got from students and faculty were overwhelming. I didn't realize it was such a deep impact.
I'm going to try my hardest to get it going. I tried tonight, but no progress. Here's hoping for a more successful next week.
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