Words.

A person who feels hopeless believes that no one can help with a  particular event or problem.
A person who feels helpless is immobilized and unable to take steps to solve problems.
A person who feels worthless  is overwhelmed with a sense of personal failure.

These just sit heavy with me lately.

Not to mention something that wasn't probably a big deal to the person who did it to me, but man it impacted me pretty harshly.
And I know it was most likely playful and harmless.
I just left thinking and feeling worse than I've felt in a while.
I guess I'm just emotionally vulnerable right now and it just fucking shattered my shit.
I was at work. People were arriving to swap shifts to relieve the morning crew, (me and my other pals) when one of the closing employees starts up a conversation with me about video games. We always chat about OverWatch or what ever. We were chatting it up and everyone's doing stuff getting ready to leave and I'm just kind of relaxing talking, but this other employee just walks past me and is like, "Get out. You're off now. Why are you still here. No one wants to see your face. Get out. Go on." and I was mid sentence talking to my co-worker. I go silent. He looks at me and is like wow that's harsh. I said aloud, "I will go when I'm ready." but something in me just said to get the fuck out right then so I undid my apron and packed up and just left. I didn't sign out of work or make sure my time card was right or anything. I just fucking left.
The only thoughts in my mind. My fucking inner voice was so pissed off.
It hurt my fucking feelings. Just kept thinking "fucking stupid bitch"
it literally shattered me.
Not some shit I wanted to hear. I work hard at that damn stupid tea shop and this bitch comes at me with get the fuck out.
Rationally I'm like dude it's just a joke. I know she had to be kidding but I just can't kick the repeating shit out of my head.
it's been hours and I've got this heavy feeling in my chest still like what the fucking hell.

Anyways so I'm looking at my art and stuff, thinking about how to combine suicide with a security camera. Kind of like my vase, rose and pistol piece.
Trying to think about the camera. It's always watching. It's always rolling. Always seeing.
I want to do something where it's bleeding 1s and 0s.
Something along those lines. Who knows? Something will hit me and I'll be like COOL.
I also just want to write a fucked up story about a guy who's trying to survive some kind of dystopian situation. It starts out kind of like showing how fucking pathetic he is, but then he mans up. and starts to make it. Finds this awesome girl who likes him and stuff. They start to get serious and she gets fucking brutally murdered. He can't make friends because they die some fucked up way all the time.
Everything he does just falls apart.
He's just trying so fucking hard and he just keeps going but everything is against him.
It's basically Mad Max. Fuck I just ripped on something I really love.
It's also The Walking Dead. Another thing I find awesome.
I guess you can't really be original these days.
I'll have to figure out something else with the idea.
Meanwhile.

 

 so the caps I got with my spray paint cans kind of really suck ass. I'm going to have to buy better caps soon.

I think that they will turn out pretty awesome and will be a decent sell at comic con.

More to come soon.

Bang

Rough idea for a stencil piece. Excited to do it.
11x17
Feels good man.

Put down more stuff for stencils to make soon
3 more Overwatch stencils:
Ana, Zarya and Roadhog ones.
That Bang! one.
Totoro and No Face.

I'll have a lot of cool art at the booth.
I'm kind of stoked to share it all.
Spray painting it all will be super fun after the hard work of cutting out the stencils.
I have to prime more cardboard canvas.
We got the booth paid for already.
We as in Jon and I.
We are looking at getting some grid wall to hang our art up behind us.
Also it looks like he can get a good deal on banners.
I might have a banner printed! Could be pretty cool.
Only a couple of months to go.
It's crazy how this stuff is lined up.
I'm going to Twitch Con at the end of September, then Tucson Comic Con in November. I'm hoping to have a bit of money saved up and everything resolved in October.

Finding my zen

“Human desire tends to be insatiable.” - Alan Watts 

 

 

I am working on being me 100%

Some things I am learning are hard to enact and put into motion in my life.

I know I need a change in my life.

It's not a someone or something. 

Being kinder to myself helps me be kinder to others.

Soul searching inside myself trying to truly discover what it is on the inside.
What's behind my eyes. 

What's inside this vessel. 

What is piloting this fleshy organic machine. 

I kept feeling like if someone else could love me I could see what attempt to see what it is they see, and go from there.
This desire to have a partner, to be loved and feel love only pushes them away.
"You're a sweet guy, but - "
"You have treated me like no other man has, and I like you, but -"
"It's hard to say, because I like you, but -"

"You are really genuine and unique, but-"

"You seem like a great partner, but -"

There's always this thing in the way that I cannot see.

I guess I'm just tired of fighting against it.
I am a rock on an ocean cliff side.
The ocean is just constantly beating and crashing on me.
Stalwart I stand, being the one thing I can be. Sturdy. Supportive. Solid.

I felt the cracks forming. The last 8 years have been me trying to repair the damage. Fill the cracks. 

I think I'm trying to be something I am not.
So I get a lot of resistance.
When I accept myself and just be I can truly relax.

But then it's like, what am I?

I keep thinking about how I'm a broken piece of something and that the love of someone could be the glue to repair me.

The more I think about it the more ridiculous it is. 

I am the broken piece and the glue. I am everything all at once.

Zach.

A human.
A human with human desires.

But what do humans want?
A safe place to live. Food to eat. Spread the genes. Rinse, repeat. 

If only I had this internal revelation earlier. I could have possibly salvaged a genuine love.

The love that I thought would fix me. But I don't think that is the true answer.
I was involved in a group conversation where a friend called another friend a recycler. She would date someone, break up, then find someone new, break up and go back to the old boyfriend. Break up, so on and so forth. But she said that she would almost always end up back with an ex. I feel like I am that kind of person too. Relationships and connections with people are hard for me to sever.
I find myself always able to talk to my exes. We hold no ill will towards each other and could possible rekindle in the future if things turned in our favor.
I do not want to be a recycler.
The relationship ended for a reason. It's possible that it will end up turning out the same way. 

I am Zach.
A human, who will not recycle relationships.

OK- glad that's clear.

But what am I? There's so much more.

I'm a lover. I've been told I'm passionate about that whole spectrum. Which it's true. If I love you, I fuckin' love you.

So I'm a passionate lover.

I like to do art, so technically that makes me an artist.

I like to play video games so I'm a gamer.

I love trying new food and have a pretty decent pallet. I guess that makes me a foodie.

I'm pretty dark and morbid with humor and thoughts about life.

I am also perverted. 

I don't like to let go of my video games. So I guess I'm a bit of a collector too.
I also love my right to have a gun. I love carrying and I feel safe knowing if it ever came down to it I'd be able to protect myself. 

I love the simple things. Definitely not trying to complicate life by adding more shit on top of face value.
You'll always get me at face value.

I am Zach, a genuine guy who's not very complicated, but dark, morbid, perverted, a gamer that likes food, who makes art and who also doesn't recycle relationships. 

I guess that's me.

A conglomeration of humanity.

Oh yeah, I have a beard too. So there's that. 

Add bearded in that long sentence of who I am. 

A walking flesh machine who's got a beard.

I didn't even get into my morals or anything deeper.

I wonder if that complicates things. 

I want people to be loved and respected for who they are.
Doesn't matter the skin color, sexual orientation or religion.
Don't be a fuck face asshole and I will respect you. 

Yeah, it complicates things. Look, we lost track of the point.

What is Zach.
See I get to this point and I'm just like FUCK IT.

This is stupid. What does this do for me.
I just am.

So I AM.

This is what I am.

ME, right now.

It tells me what I'm not.
Which is a lot.

I guess it's a good thing.

Perspective really helps in forming ideas and opinions.

I needed to change my opinion of myself, so I look for different angles to view myself. 

Which leads me back to if someone who loves me could show me what I do not see.
And this goes to desiring something I cannot have.
I need to exclude this cycle, circle, and routine from my life.

I need to operate 100% on my own and be my own and be me.

The person I will love with all my everything will compliment my life.
The life I built through suffering and error.
I will achieve inner peace.
Then I think the ripples in the pond will stop and things will be finally balanced.

90 Days Until Con!

Getting ready for the con has been slow going, or so it seems.
I've just been working on stuff and doing stuff, only to realize it's around the corner!
Holy crap.
I need to get my stickers printed, art printed, prints printed, printed printed.
I got some basic art done for more stencils- Gotta get working on perfecting my painting with those.
I'm excited and have been hoarding a lot of cardboard for it.
I also have to prime some more canvases for it.
I have most of my interests covered with art so far.
Looking to make some personal stuff too.
Gotta make some personal stencils like Pizza Ghost!!!
I want to do something Monster Hunter related too.
OK OK -
So I should figure out what I'm going to have 100%.

Beat Street Squid Sticker
Thunda Cloud sticker
Pizza Ghost Sticker
Peace Ghost Sticker
Love Stinks! Sticker
Banana Man Sticker
zombie sticker (black)
zombie sticker (white)
Rienhart Stencil                                     11x17
McCree Stencil                                      11x17
Lucio Stencil                                           11x17
D.VA Stencil                                           11x17
Hanzo Stencil                                         11x17
Genji / Hanzo Dragon Stencil                 11x17
Sans Undertale Stencil                           11x17
Amethyst Steven Universe Stencil          11x17
Rick Sanchez Rick & Morty Stencil         11x17
Samurai Jack & Aku Stencil                     11x17
Samus Helmet Stencil                             8.5x11
Turtle TMNT Stencil                                8.5x11
Batman Stencil                                        8.5x11
Wolverine Stencil                                    8.5x11
Deadpool Stencil                                    8.5x11


Now, what else do I want to make?
Monster Hunter Stencil of some kind / Meat ? Well-done Steak
Resident Evil Stencil of some kind  / Green Herb?
Pizza Ghost Stencil
Peace Ghost Stencil