I really just need to get this off my chest and put it some where that it can just exist without people making me feel like shit for it.
I realize that I haven't been posting a whole lot of happy stuff. Things are just not going well.
When I finally identify the problem, I make moves to snuff it out.
When I was at Bookmans, there was a co-worker just giving me hell and I tried all kinds of ways to solve the situation. It didn't work. I left. When I was at the tea shop, I worked a lot and covered peoples shifts. I did a lot to help keep myself busy and distracted. I worked so much that when I was finding ways to make the job better, and suggesting it, it caused issues with a certain manager who didn't want anything to change. I left. Working so much really put a damper on me though. When at Zia, I tried the same stuff. I kept moving on trying to find something good for me. And when it was about money, I got more money. If I wasn't very happy, I powered through and looked for something else. I just never felt really good about things I've been doing in my life so far.
Some of the things that bug me I just cannot change.
I absolutely hate the constructs in which we live. I feel so cheated. I never asked to be born, and with that comes all kinds of shit to be a part of "society" which are totally unfair. The fact that money makes everything smoother really fucking sucks. I'm honestly really tired of worrying about it all the damn time.
When I was getting garnished at Alorica, for an old debt which the agency shouldn't have been legally able to collect on because of it's age, really fucked me up dude. I feel so empty. Working so much to get others rich just fucking pisses me off. I'm spending my life and my well being just scraping by. I'm so fucking sick of it.
I just want to feel good about waking up. I want to feel good about existing and I truly haven't in a long ass time.
Going to college was great but before that I suffered a lot with the same feelings I have now. Which at that time made me want to kill myself. If I knew that even 9, almost 10 years later it would be more of the same I should have just fucking done it.
Here I am. Zach. 33 years old. 306 lbs. Feeling very alone. Overweight and depressed. Dejected. Fucking sad excuse of a human. Stuck in the broken gears of capitalism, failing as a middle class white male and falling into the lower class. Getting shit on by everything, the law, the way corporations work, the greed of the society and how truly nasty other humans can be. A victim of circumstance. A trauma survivor with the anxiety and self loathing, even guilt that's hard to live with.
But in reality I'm the Assistant Manager at GameStop, with a loving girlfriend. I have a few very close friends who are a reminder that it's not just me who's struggling and they make it work. I did some dieting as well as other changes and lost 40 lbs since January. Despite some financial short comings I have had a lot of support from people around me. Friends and even people I don't even know. I got a car after a long time. I built up my credit. I worked very hard for it and scrimped on a lot to get it up there! I don't have much of a family after all the domestic violence and trauma. I have my rescue cat, Garth who just makes me feel good when I see him. I hope I am giving him a better life. My job is pretty cool, I mean I get paid to talk about video games. I am not bad at the damn job either, as far as it goes with "sales" and other metrics. I get a sense of accomplishment when I know I did a good job. It just sucks when you don't hear it often or at all.
Things aren't that bad.
I guess I just wish some of the things I did to help better myself worked out to a better situation for me. Everything I have done to make things better for me ended up hurting me more right now.
I would get a job and shit would turn sour. Or I would get garnished, or something would come up where I just get fucked over. I understand life is supposed to be hard. But didn't I do all the hard shit already, dealing with the abuse I suffered early on? Didn't I already pay into the catch a break fund enough with that shit? I have to work very hard for the little that I have. I am tired. I am worn out. I just want to not have to worry about my electric bill, or be stuck eating top ramen for a month because of some stupid shit out of my control.
I can't post about it because it just looks like all I do is complain all the time, as if I'm not grateful.
I guess I'm not. Being alive is just bull shit anyways. Why fight for it if there's no actual victory to be had?
People are out there doing things, having it harder than me, and enjoying themselves. I just don't know what it's going to take for me to finally be happy.
I know exactly what would solve my shit.
I know it to be the perfect solution! I lied. It's being fucking debt free. Money has caused so much discourse in my life. I can't believe how much it has corrupted humanity.
I hope that by this time next year I am debt free, or very close to it. I hope that I will be slimmer and healthier. I hope that I will have the money I need to take care of the basic necessities of everyday life.
