Ebbs. Flows.
Ups. Downs.
In. Out.
Here. There.
Peaks. Valleys.
Going up, feeling high. Realizing reality, dropping down.
Feeling immense love. Being dejected and alone.
Having someone there and now having nothing.
Everything going around in this circle down the dark drain. It speeds up as we get closer. Accelerating to an unbelievable speed. We spin clinging on to our past selves.
Holding on to what was once there as if it were anything to us now. Moving along. Scrambling around. Lying. Crying. Yelling. Wishing. Hoping. Couldn't things be different?
I'm 32. And my life feels almost exactly like it did when I was 20.
I was forced into a situation where I had to work a job that paid well but sucked. I had just be thrust out of a position I planned on having for a long time. I was assistant manager at GameStop. I had worked really hard to obtain that position. I was the highest paid ASM in the district. I was kicking butt. But, since I was vocal about a thief in the store things turned south quickly. He found ways to taint the view of me and eventually what I said or did no longer mattered. It was accepted as truth.
I had to accept my fate quickly. I had minor responsibilities at the time, especially compared to now. I was a young man, with all this hope and the picture I saw myself in was a simple one.
I was hoping that one day I would be a manager of a store, going to conventions and doing cool meetings. Finding product for the store, building displays and being awesome to my regulars.
It was dashed by a simple mistake blown out of proportion. I know rules are in place to help keep the structure upheld. But I ended up getting an extreme punishment for a minor infraction.
I cried in my car that day. I was dressed in blue. I had a blue button up and blue slacks. Black dress shoes. My face red, eyes swollen as I left the building. I couldn't believe it. I apologized to my store manager for letting him down, but I never acknowledged I let myself down.
I had to find something to make ends meet. So I found out working for a call center would be lucrative. Good pay, decent hours, lots of people, long training period. Seems good. And it was, for a while. I had made a lot of friends. I was social. I turned 21 and was out drinking a lot. Getting to know lots of awesome people and being with women that broke my heart. But the line of work depressed me. Being yelled at by the people I worked for and being yelled at on the phone as part of the job took its toll on me. I became depressed and I disassociated a lot. I escaped into the realm of World of Warcraft. Not responding to my friends anymore. Not wanting to do anything at all. I lived alone, despite having my cats I was pretty much a lonely person. I didn't have the energy to put forth into anything meaningful. My cat got sick and it just really sucked. I felt like it was all my fault. I later learned it wasn't but still it weighs heavily on me to this day. I did all this stuff over the course of years. Trying to make my house my own. Buying a car. Trying to lead a good, straight life. Narrow, and honest. Relationships just falling apart every which way. Unable to be true to myself. No one really loving me the way I needed.
I felt like I had enough. Much like where I'm at right now. A big circle.
I feel like since then though, lots of cool stuff has happened. I mean, you can just see it through reading my blog. The ups and downs. The heres and theres.
But I feel like I'm destined to walk down that path again. And this time I don't know if I have that fight in me like I did then. Does my life suck that bad?
Yes. It does. Loneliness kills me. It hurts me so bad that I don't even know what to do anymore.
Every time and every way I try to make a connection I just feel like I'm desperate. I'm gushing out so much that it shoves people away so hard. It truly hurts even more.
Why can't I just be normal. Why don't people like me back. Why do I fucking try so hard? I think that's the place that hurts too. Trying. I try a lot. And I try with my whole heart.
Don't I deserve to be happy too? Is it jealousy of other peoples success?
What is so wrong with me that I don't get these basic things as well?
To contrast my life from then and now, things are OK.
My job lets me survive. I am able to live with the basic life needs. I have a roof over my head, but the place I live is a fucking dump. My landlord honestly couldn't care less if it burned down.
I have a car, and I'm able to afford gas to do the things I need, as well as I am able to afford to pay for it through the bank and have nice insurance.
I can take care of my cat. He has litter, food, snacks and toys! He's got it pretty good despite having to be in that shitty living space with me, but we make it work.
I have been disassociating a lot recently.
I got really sick earlier this year. I hadn't ever been that sick before, and recently I pinched my sciatica nerve so I'm dealing with that.
It just reminds me of then. I had things lined up and it was feeling good but then it came crashing down.
How did I survive? Why did I survive. That's not a question, that is a solid fucking statement. WHY?
What good did trying do? What good was hanging on, just to end up feeling almost the same way again?
It would suck immediately if I were to just disappear. The things around me would be effected, but then as time went on it would be like I was never there.
That's how I feel right now. Even though I am here, it's like I'm not fucking here. No one gives a shit.
Sure, there are arguments that defy my statement but that's just that. Who am I to you so much so that I fucking matter to you?
If I really mattered to you wouldn't you have tried harder?
Hindsight is a bitch with the would have and could have.
I truly do not understand how people make it to old age.
It's like, why do you go through it day in and day out? It only gets worse. I think they do because there are people in their life that are active in making them feel valued.
I have done poorly surrounding myself with people who care because of how I am. Is it my appearance? Is it my energy? Is it that gushing shit of desperation? What ever it is it seems it's my own doing.
Is it my personal view of myself seeping out onto others?
I know others see things in me that I do not.
I feel repulsive and disgusting. I feel overbearing and broken.
Maybe admitting this stuff and talking about it will make me feel better.
Am I scared that things will just end up like they did years ago? Sure. It's irrational. Because things are different this time around.
As you spiral down the drain, and as you get closer to the void sucking you down, more items condense down and you are able to cling onto more crap around you. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to pull onto and drag down to my level in hopes that I can lift myself up further away.
I feel so fucking pathetic. No wonder I am alone.
It's unfair to pin anything on you. It's my life and it's my choice how I feel about it.
I have things I need to work out, obviously. It's me that needs to take action on being more "there" it's me in the long run.
Things I am working on at the moment:
I am still writing my story. I am getting together a character thing where I have all my characters broken down and their motives.
I am writing a 3 part intro to the show to give it a nice clear start where it shows reality and Oliver's dissociation.
I am playing video games like the usual. I've been working a lot while injured so I'm having a rough time being motivated on things outside of just survival.
I am currently trying to pay down bills and my credit card debt. Once I get on top of things I might be feeling better emotionally.
I have been trying to work on my conversation skills with people so I've been talking to people I do not know. I reached out to a lot of random people on Facebook and I have been talking to people in the break room at work.
I have been stretching and psyching myself up for making a change in my lifestyle that involves being more active. With my recent back injury I need to be more kind to myself. I have been overweight most of my adult life so it's time to get that in check. No better time to start then as soon as I can.
On the HORIZON:
I am wanting to work on old ideas. I still want to make a video game pretty bad and I wanted to work on the Robots vs Zombies game. I want to make a new series of designs to feel relevant again. I really want to make new designs for RedBubble. Things have been
getting pretty strict lately with content and what not, despite things
used in parody. So I think that's something that's kept me from doing
anything recently. I want to finish this cartoon idea and see about pitching it to studios to see if there's appeal to it all, do I really have it?
