Welcome back to my blogspot.
Hope all has been well since we last crossed paths.
I decided last night that I would disconnect from social media.
I stepped away from Facebook and Instagram, since they are owned by the same people.
I stepped away from Facebook and Instagram, since they are owned by the same people.
I never check twitter anymore so I have already weened off of that.
I don't have any other ties to social media platforms.
So I guess this is where it's at.
I don't have any other ties to social media platforms.
So I guess this is where it's at.
I wanted to write about how stepping away from it is like coming up for air when you've been submerged underwater for a long time.
I feel like I'm gasping for air.
I have to get re-centered. I'm feeling really lost.
I've been doing good with letting go of my "ego" and just trying to live above the worry and stress of "money."
To be honest though things are still stressful, just in different ways. It's fucking funny how you can't ever really just be happy. There's always something in the god damn way.
I want nothing more than to just be successful at doing something that involves my passions.
I feel so bogged down by everything. Like I'm wearing weights and I cannot remove them. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. I feel numb a lot lately. Not a lot of my personal desires are being met.
I've often thought about just ghosting. I sometimes just want to disappear. I want to go to sleep for 100 years and wake up in a different time, maybe then I would feel useful, or people would like me, or things would just be better for me.
When I think like this, I wonder about reincarnation. If I killed myself would I come back as something else. Respawn into something random. Forget what this was like. All the pain and suffering I endured reset to 0. Maybe I'll get turned into a cricket and then someone will step on me. Or I'll be a bird, then get sucked into a plane turbine.
I feel so bogged down by everything. Like I'm wearing weights and I cannot remove them. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. I feel numb a lot lately. Not a lot of my personal desires are being met.
I've often thought about just ghosting. I sometimes just want to disappear. I want to go to sleep for 100 years and wake up in a different time, maybe then I would feel useful, or people would like me, or things would just be better for me.
When I think like this, I wonder about reincarnation. If I killed myself would I come back as something else. Respawn into something random. Forget what this was like. All the pain and suffering I endured reset to 0. Maybe I'll get turned into a cricket and then someone will step on me. Or I'll be a bird, then get sucked into a plane turbine.
If I were to disappear, most things would be better off.
Sometimes I feel like the shit people say. As if I really am as bad as they say.
An irresponsible faggot who plays on the computer all day, shirking their responsibilities for fuck all.
A fat loser, fucking neck beard, fucking white scumbag. A true piece of shit. A boy who runs off with their friends all day, throwing it all to the wind with no thought of anyone else.
Sometimes I feel like the shit people say. As if I really am as bad as they say.
An irresponsible faggot who plays on the computer all day, shirking their responsibilities for fuck all.
A fat loser, fucking neck beard, fucking white scumbag. A true piece of shit. A boy who runs off with their friends all day, throwing it all to the wind with no thought of anyone else.
A passive aggressive shit lord who is a worm. Who can't even make their own meaningful decisions.
These are just moments though. When I feel like I've earned a break, and I am able to sit down and play video games these thoughts come through. Or when I finally get over my anxiety enough to hang out with one of my friends and actually go through with plans to hangout, I begin to hear that shit.
I know I have a lot of cool qualities. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not perfect. My brain sucks and when people say mean shit it's hard for me to let it go.
Since April I've been moved in with my girlfriend, who at the time we hadn't been together a full year yet. I think our relationship was strong enough, at the time, to handle this. The offer was really too good to be true. Take care of her relatives house while she's gone and just pay the utilities. The house will be yours for a while.
Covid-19 really fucked a lot of shit up for a lot of people. Especially for the one's it's killed. RIP to those who have suffered. RIP to those who will continue to die thanks to continued negligence of most Americans.
Covid-19 really fucked a lot of shit up for a lot of people. Especially for the one's it's killed. RIP to those who have suffered. RIP to those who will continue to die thanks to continued negligence of most Americans.
As I get older I just feel like I'm counting down the time until I die.
I feel like I've peaked. I have already lived my best days. I know that's a bunch of bull but I can't really convince myself otherwise. I look back fondly on middle school. I had a lot of friends. We did cool shit, like play Pokemon, Magic The Gathering, we skateboarded and roller bladed, we stayed up with sleep overs and pizza parties, we learned how to kiss and felt what it was like to touch a boob. Haha.
I always looked back on that fondly, hoping that high school would deliver, but it turns out hormones are fucking weird. And so is domestic violence. And depression... I hadn't felt good until I went to college. Art school was the coolest thing I had done in a long time. It was a great 5ish years. I would love to go back. Especially as a teacher. Maybe GameStop isn't the end of the line for me with a career.
I mean it does pay the bills and I'm pretty good at the job. But maybe I'm supposed to do something different. I've always felt like I should be doing something to help better someone else's life instead of mine. I am supposed to give up my life energy for others. At least most of the time it feels like that. When I help someone really good, it makes me happy. So imagine how good I would feel if I could teach people, or even just get people to be good at art.
I feel like I've peaked. I have already lived my best days. I know that's a bunch of bull but I can't really convince myself otherwise. I look back fondly on middle school. I had a lot of friends. We did cool shit, like play Pokemon, Magic The Gathering, we skateboarded and roller bladed, we stayed up with sleep overs and pizza parties, we learned how to kiss and felt what it was like to touch a boob. Haha.
I always looked back on that fondly, hoping that high school would deliver, but it turns out hormones are fucking weird. And so is domestic violence. And depression... I hadn't felt good until I went to college. Art school was the coolest thing I had done in a long time. It was a great 5ish years. I would love to go back. Especially as a teacher. Maybe GameStop isn't the end of the line for me with a career.
I mean it does pay the bills and I'm pretty good at the job. But maybe I'm supposed to do something different. I've always felt like I should be doing something to help better someone else's life instead of mine. I am supposed to give up my life energy for others. At least most of the time it feels like that. When I help someone really good, it makes me happy. So imagine how good I would feel if I could teach people, or even just get people to be good at art.
With the way things are going in our country right now it doesn't look good. The future is very bleak.
We have a fucking pussy as a president. This guy just wants to golf all the damn time and hide in his bunker around the fence he put up, instead of actually doing his damn job. I understand being the leader of the free world is stressful as all fuck but even with the previous shitty presidents we've had they were one million times better than our commander in queef is right now. They were willing to stand up and do the right thing. They were willing to put in the time to say something of value, understanding that what the president says is something that holds weight. This guy just spews out weird shit and nonsensical stuff, it makes me feel like a fucking embarrassed parent, or when you're embarrassed of your siblings for being fucking retards.
I feel like there's no hope. Covid kind of felt like we were able to pump the breaks a little bit and see the good of not being able to BUY BUY BUY all the damn time. We were able to sit down and really taste the fresh air we are able to breathe. We could sit down and really look at the situation we are in and see some beauty in it. It was nice to see some places of the world returning to a better version of itself. We had stopped deforestation for a brief moment. It felt good. But now look? It's a shit show. I guess it will always be. I mean when isn't something broken. When will we actually be at peace?
My hope is that the super volcanoes erupt.
I don't want to die in lava but if that's how it's going to end, then hell yeah. Let's get to steppin'.
In the meantime it's like, what the fuck do I do between being a sad fuck and dying in that lava?
