Accountability accountability accountability accountability accountability

Been dealing with a lot of issues lately involving holding myself accountable for my actions.
I kind of just don't give a shit about anything much right now.
I realized I have been going through these ups and downs around the same times but years apart. It's wild.
I go through these arcs of being happy and achieving a lot then dips where I just want to die and not exist anymore.
I hate feeling the downs. It hurts my spirit and will so much.
I can't believe how little I have my life together.
I keep trying to be things that I want in my heart but I just can't seem to get anywhere with it.
I feel like I'm destined to just be mediocre forever.
I just keep thinking. Make stuff that you think is cool.
And I keep tying.
Keep streaming on twitch and having fun.
I keep trying.
One day it will happen, right?
One day?
It's like finding the right person.
One day they will just show up.
Right?

I could not get to work today. Just nothing was there.
No calling. No inspiration. I felt like a drag.
But then I kept thinking about the stuff I like.
So here are some cool pokemon stickers I'll be having at Tucson Comic Con.
I'll have big and small.

Penguin

 

Been throwing around penguins for a long time with no success. Well tonight I said fuck that and worked on it until I came up with something that I thought was totally legit. 

A mafia penguin.
I loved the idea of that smile.
The look of "I fucking did it and there's nothing you can do about it."

It just was like fuck yeah. That's cool. So I ran with it. Trying to work something out.

 So I tried a couple of things that didn't quite work out for me, but then I got to thinking that penguins definitely do not work alone.
What else is going on, who's he with, what do they got?

Freakin' love the idea of a mob boss with his goons.

Only was able to clean up one drawing for the night. But overall it's pretty cool. Going to work on more later. Finish up them all.
Hope you enjoy.

Stuff for the Stream.

Made the "Going Live" screen tonight. It's OK better than the other one's I've made in the past. Definitely gets the job done.
Chat shows up in between "the" and "cast" so ZACHY is a background to the chat. It looks pretty good.
I made those panels too, for the area beneath the stream to give viewers a little more about me while offline, or during the cast.
Stream is headed in the right direction it seems.
I hope it looks good by September. Probably going to have some big Twitch casters checking me out.

blog title that is excting and stuff

I made some stickers- and an offline screen for the stream that's more fitting of my character.

The zombie sticker is going to need a bit more work. On the black one if you look closely near the head damage there's some white that I need to fix as well as some tangents near the bottom to round out. I'll tackle those soon.
Making more art for my stream as we go on.
I need to make some panels for my links like donations / tips / twitter / etc etc.

I got some stencils done for OverWatch -
Going to carve out some more eventually too.
Getting excited about my spray paint ideas and stickers.
Can't wait to get stuff ordered and made.
November is going to be great. I can feel it.

I.
CAN.
FEEL.
IT.

Worked on this LIVE while on Twitch.tv

Today was started with purpose. To explore these works and create cool characters from them. I felt out the ones that spoke to me ASAP. Rabbit and Racoon were some really good hits for me.

The bunny felt like a buff dude from the little sketch- so I checked it out and messed around. Apparently I can do a nice tight bunny butt.

 

I took a break and did a drawing of myself. Enjoy that. =)

I wanted to flesh out this racoon though. He seemed kind of cool to bring to reality. So I kind of thought about what he would be doing with a broken cig.
Decided he would be just chillin'.
Got a rough done. Wanted to take it further.

Characterized him a lot. Got a good feel of who he might be just hanging out.

Cleaning up the drawing. Working diligently.

Added some flourishes and was extremely satisfied with this lil dude. He is AWESOME.

 

Working on stuff. I swear!

 

 

OK so here are some OverWatch sprays that are found in the game.
I just decided to bring them to real life as practice for the stuff I want to make.
Making the stencils was pretty fun and easy, although some were kind of complicated and intricate.
I don't have a picture of it, but the Lucio frog was pretty intense and I had to come up with some problem solving to get it to work out properly.
I think it all looks cool.

So far- I have some stuff ready to spray, been collecting a ton of cardboard and I found the perfect boxes at work for canvases.
The more we use cups at work the more of these boxes I get to carve up and use for this project. =)

The last image of me is me casting on twitch.tv

I'm working on figuring out how to capture me working on these stencils, preparing the canvases as well as cutting or what ever else I'm working on that isn't digital. It's still a pretty rough work in progress.

Also, just working on the stream ideas in general.
Trying to lock down and come up with images and phrases as well as other just silly crap that makes the stream space my own.

RIP, I meant to post this earlier-

I read an article: Read the full one here!   About depression and being a high functioning one at that. These things kind of hit me hard and while I was reading I could only really feel for it. It was reading about me and my issues.
I realized that I need to keep these things in mind and work on them in order to help me get better. It's my choice to be better. I want to be the best person I can be.

1. Know your body. There are typically warning signs – bold or subtle changes- of when you are about to experience a little more of a struggle with your mental illness. Pay attention to these changes so you can take preemptive measures against your symptoms.
2. Have a solid support network. Struggling with depression or anxiety is not something to be ashamed of. Millions of people are experiencing the same thing as you. Lean on people who can relate to what you are feeling, or find someone you trust that you are comfortable explaining your situation to. It’s good to have someone you can call, text, or talk to when you need a quick pick me up.
3. Give yourself some well-deserved attention. Pamper yourself a little sometimes. You work really hard in your daily life and you manage your mental illness, appreciate yourself. It’s okay to have an extra helping of ice cream, buy those concert tickets, or just plain old relax for an afternoon. If you don’t take care of yourself, how are you expected to be able to perform at your best?
4. Exercise and eat right. I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times but it is a miracle what eating right and some exercise can do for your body. I love to think of the mantra “feel good, do good” because its true; the better you feel the happier you behave. When you feel good it is reflected by how the people around you behave and leads to positive reinforcement.
5. Discover a hobby. Finding an activity or hobby that you really enjoy can serve as a very positive distraction for negative things, and a mood boost for when youa re feeling above average. Find a group of people
6. Five sense distraction. If you are in a public place and feeling overwhelmed, you can use the five sense method to calm down. Focus and examine: 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 taste. Try to breathe through your nose as you complete this task and you will feel relieved in no time!
7. Don’t give up. Treatments are typically not a quick fix, they take time, and yes a little energy. But the outcome is well worth it. Don’t give up on your treatment plan, on the people supporting you, or yourself. You are a powerful, resilient individual you can do this.

Anyways. I felt like sharing so when I scroll through my blog later I'll come across it and remind myself.