Wow. It's been too long. I feel like I've just been physically and emotionally unable to talk about my life and what's going on.
There's growth and regression. Progress and then static moments of stagnation.
Just like life it ebbs and flows.
OK so here's what's up with me now. I haven't posted since December of 2020. Holy shit.
I got tired of trying to learn code. Unity for some reason doesn't have like, a basic code or the winodws thing I got didn't have a base library and I couldn't figure out how to get things put in there so I could copy the code from the tutorial I was watching. It's weird, I felt like it should just work since it's a universal language but it wasn't pulling up a lot of the things the guy was talking about in the tutorial. So I just kind of gave up.
I started wanting to write more. I want to write this story about a guy who gets a new job and kind of finds a girl that he can't help but not look at, not in a rape kind of way but there's just something that attracts him to her and he can't seem to shake it. As immediately as he meets her things get fucked up for him and he wakes up in a strange situation. It's still rough and I have a lot of things I want to do with it. I was really inspired by Bloodborne recently and there's some things from HP Lovecraft that got my attention too.
We'll just see how it comes along.
I'm kind of fucked up still. I know in the past I've cried for a job that lets me get by on my merit, and pay me based on how hard I work. I want to be financially stable and not have to worry anymore. I remember making a declaration that I would no longer worry about money and damn, since then I really haven't had to. I have been able to get by and actually pay off debt. I'm almost debt free. I had about $17,000 at the start of the year. I have eliminated about $6k so far.
I am trying hard to cultivate the life I want. And while I'm doing that I don't even know what I want. At the core of it, I want a family. I want to be a dad. I want to be important and I want to teach. I think I'm doing that with my job. I want to be stable with money and have no issues resolving things as they come up, even surprises. And I think I'm achieving that.
I have lacked the drive to be creative. I truly have been pouring myself into my job. I think that's been hurting me too. I created a nice space at home for gaming but that's all I do at home. I disassociate and I can't seem to get myself together to do stuff. I think since covid and not being able to hangout with my friends and my support structure... I've just been regressing.
I don't know what else to say. My grandma died yesterday and that sucks too.
