I was reading today about some of my issues and how I should attempt to solve them.
One of the things that stood out to me the most was trying to take more risks and be more honest with myself. Also, to just ultimately reach out to people instead of thinking I'm not good enough and just being silent. I recently did this. I found someone I thought would make a great friend and even took the risk of asking them to hang out. Which was a success, but overall it turned into a nightmare.
I'm not one for breaking routine or going outside my comfort zones because honestly I'm tired of getting hurt, but this time I was just like fuck it. What's there to lose? And honestly I wish I never had said anything because it would be better to have the chit-chat and what-ifs over this. Let me explain. Have you ever been in a situation where you just naturally click with someone and while you chat with them you feel like your battery is recharging? You aren't being drained of your life essence? You feel like a normal human being?
I have that with only a few people I deal with on a daily basis. It's great. I am not the robot at the register. I can be Zach. I can be me and they like me for me.
I feel like the first problem with this situation is that the person I asked to be my friend is a woman. Not trying to sound sexist, but it already does. Just follow along here.
I am a chubby guy and I feel like I may not be the most handsome guy, or let alone an inkling of charming, but after a few great conversations with this woman, she told me specifically that she thought I was charming and that she's always had a good time connecting with me. That was my signal to hang out, outside of work. I mean- I even was clear, as friends, not looking for anything romantic. Not being clear on that front tends to cause issues with things like, "Oh I thought you were being nice cause you wanted to fuck me." as well as other things along those lines. Sure, she's cute and we share a lot of similar interests but honestly I can't even consider dating someone, let alone giving my broken ass to someone with the idea of like, "OK you figure it out cause I can't!" So we hang out and we have a great time. Sharing experiences and everything. Hours pass by and we're just having this grand time. I find out all kinds of stuff, I share stuff, we are grooving. It's all around a great time. I tell her that I'm grateful for her shaking up my reality and showing me I'm not just some robot and reminding me that there's substance to me. We agree to hang out again. Messages become one word answers from her. I ask what's up and it's always "Busy" or something else. This is immediately a red flag to me, triggering my internal issues telling me that I fucked something up. I mean how is it that we could get along so well for so long then all of a sudden she just walls up and shuts me out? I just feel like I said something wrong, or maybe she thought I was playing a different angle. I honestly just wanted to get out of my comfort zone and have a new friend in my life that I could share things with. Yes it started out with these ideas of attraction. She's a Pisces and I'm a Capricorn. We have chemistry that's not on a level of earthly understanding. We just knew we would be good friends but then it's just tossed aside from fears on her end? This situation happens a lot with me. I want to just want something new. Finding friends is hard and I just don't know what to do to combat my loneliness. I've been reading about it a lot. It's cause from a lot of the childhood trauma I suffered. I have to some how come to terms with it, which for the most part I have. I feel at peace with what happened to me and I feel like a big person and a better human. I don't let it bug me too much but there's things that just still have ripples from that time. Like me feeling useless and annoying. Or that I just don't fit in. No one thinks I'm cool. I have to try twice as hard to get things. My negative internal monologue. My inability to complete artwork or projects because of constant failure. The trigger with this situation just made me feel like all of the things. A failure mainly because I can't even be someones friend.
making a list and checking it twice for comic con in november.
A Rick & Morty x Samurai Jack
A Splatoon x Panty & Stocking.
A Breath of the Wild inspired design.
I wanted to do something with the Master Sword and Link that I haven't really seen before so I liked where this one was going.
And some shit I was thinking about with the Deku Tree.
Thinking about 7 other things to do. 10 drawings exclusive for the con. Selling just a couple of prints and then the stuff that didn't sell last year.
Thinking about doing sticker grab bags that have a mix of the stuff I made. Sounds fun.
I've been going through a lot of emotional shit and self destruction.
Some shit I have just been going through is highlighted here today.
Hope is a powerful tool to help you stay positive
and moving forward. It is a light to shine on the dark things. It's a
reminder that even though it's bad now it wont be later. Today after a tough day I get home to a letter involving an old outstanding debt where if I do not pay I will be garnished. I've struggled a lot in the past and when I finally start getting into my stride something I did always trips me up. It's hard for me lately. It's hard to live, when all I do is work to pay for the place I'm living and for a few comforts at home. I feel like I'm not even living a life worth remembering.
I'm stuck in this limbo where I try to do things and accomplish or
follow my dreams but it's just mediocre and dumb. Nothing comes of my
endeavors. I'm not doing this, or I'm not trying enough, or what ever
the case may be. You definitely have to work for the best things in life. I've been working hard. Where can I catch a break? Hope seems like a tiny single loose thread that I can't even grasp anymore.
Just today I've been thinking about shit that's been going on with me and I always had this quote floating around in the back of my mind. "If you think you're depressed first take inventory of your surroundings, you might be around assholes"
Or something of that effect.
So my thoughts tonight are: When you realize the problem isn't internal, that it's external and you aren't being satisfied by what you've been doing to survive. It's weird when you get some perspective on things.
I have been a very internal person and I always look at things and analyze them. Maybe a bit more than I should.
Something I am suffering from in my lively hood right now:
Loneliness. This is always my #1.
I am tired of being alone and fighting alone.
My love life is horrid. I tend to gravitate towards girls who just don't get me. let alone want to. They just play games and toy around. Not sure how having someone else in my life will help me feel better when I can't even hang by myself.
But the most important thing I recently discovered are:
Where I am, people with poor performance are tolerated and sometimes celebrated.
I try not to take things personal and just keep the focus on the main things that help me keep my job: Helping customers and taking pride in the work I do for the store. I've made myself available and swapped shifts for people, I've offered to redo things like displays and offered my opinions on how to handle certain things involving my forte in customer service. This goes into some things I personally do not like or enjoy about it so far. It's hard to sever the negative bullshit when you have to work next to it all day. This is my challenge everyday. Stand next to someone who everyone openly complains about involving their attitude and how they operate.
This leads to not being recognized for my accomplishments.
Which also shadows my skills and amazing customer service skill set, or the ability to do more than the dull shit I have been assigned to do.
This means I am completely unable to pursue my passions.
I feel wholly unsatisfied at the end of the day with the job I do. Like there's no fulfillment when it's like I could do nothing and still be there, cause others do it!
I need to sort my fucking life out. CAR > MOVE AWAY > ??? > PROFIT
this is the basic outline I have for my future right now.
Vehicle, but the obstacle is a few debts I have to resolve before any bank or anything can get me the money I need. I can try to save but it's already so tight being single and solo.
Once I get a car, I feel like things will be better. It's been 7 or so years! Biking is great and all but damn I feel like it's hindering my life.
been trying to make stuff for comic con. Got some ideas of trying to make some fanart to make some money. We'll see what comes of it. In the meantime I have done some shitty scribbles!
Got a broken heart thief right here. I just like how it looks and it's pretty much a self portrait.
I wanted to do these cool card sets of A K Q J of Pokemon and some of their types so like a Leaf set with Venusaur as the K, Ivysaur as the Q and Bulbasaur as the J. And do this with most of the starters, of course figuring out something for the Ace too! But there's what I had so far. Lot's of just messing around.
Been playing a lot of Splatoon on my new Nintendo Switch!
I wanted to do a mashup and I figured a Panty & Stocking mash up with Splatoon would be great, knocking out two things I wanted to draw into one cool thing that COULD be at Tucson Comic Con.
Hey guys. Been battling a personal wall that I built up a long time ago. Finally got it to where I can see the light through it. I've been really critical about how others perceive me and it's been hurting me a lot. It's because when I was growing up I was always told I was a piece of shit and I'm worthless. So I always had this thing in the back of my head that I should be a better example and stuff, but honestly I think me trying to be cool with everyone has put a damper on everything. Stifling myself to appease the others. It's honestly liberating to let go of how people see me. I can't give myself up for others anymore, especially when they don't give a shit about me to begin with. I was giving too much power to people who don't care. I care too much about the wrong thing. So I figured it out. I gotta focus on the ZECH. Not the cunt who hates their life trying to bring people down around them because they can't check their baggage before they come to work. I have been at peace these last few days because of this realization. Working for myself and my self peace has been nice. Internal zen.
Anyways. Check out some stuff I haven't posted.
Something magical and it's been on my mind a lot. I've been spending a lot of time learning about myself and my emotions lately. I'm a fucking wreck. Haha!
I'm not sure if anyone can relate to me at all. I was always told to follow my dreams and do what's right in my heart. But after years of trying to do what speaks to me on all the different levels I still don't get anywhere with it. I
had a dream years ago when I started streaming on Twitch, that I would
eventually have a support structure in place where I could stream and this would be my full time job. I would create content via playing games and streaming my artistic endeavors. I thought that in college that I was going to find my niche or my groove and just keep riding the wave. It just turns out that in my senior year of college it was obvious the education I received was questionable and for a fact it did not prepare me for the work force in the animation world today. I learned a lot about myself in college, and through out all of my hardships in life. I learned that I have a strong sense of work ethic. I do not give up easily. I follow my gut instincts and I always try to do what's right. After 4 years or so streaming on Twitch and my whole life drawing and making art, it's hard to accept failure. I learned that when you feel like giving up is when you should push harder because you're on the brink of a break through, BUT, I've been at this point several times in the past. I always just want to keep trying and never give up, because of the "HOPE" that it will finally be my day.
I've accepted the fact that I am not the greatest artist, or the greatest person alive. I understand that success isn't owed to me. I get it. I know long hours, tears, blood, life force, EVERYTHING goes into getting there. Maybe I'm not putting in everything, doing everything, giving everything, and that's why I haven't made it.
Honestly... I want it. I want a comfortable life where I don't have to worry anymore. I'm tired of worrying. I've been worrying about money and shit since I was 10. Another part of that dream was just being able to support myself making art. Doing the whole content creation and being able to do conventions network, then show people, grow, rinse repeat. It's like it would have been self sustaining if it all worked out. Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? What did I do, or say? What the hell?
working on some goofy ideas.
Wanted to start doing stuff with phrases and what not.
I'm working on two ideas loosely right now. One is the above seen rough drawing of a goat who's "horny and lonely'
The other one is "Trade Paper Until You Die"
Anyways, I loved appropriating the satanic goat devil doing the shocker making a goofy goat face as my imagery.
I was streaming on Twitch and chatting up with my viewers while making this, taking suggestions and getting on the spot critiques.
I went through and drew this a couple of times to get kinks out and get a feel for a style I wanted. I'm going to lay down all the flat colors and then do some details on top to bring it together.
Here's where we ended tonight.
I also showed off some of the progress on the TPUYD piece.
Just working on basic stuff on those ones, like style and colors. They're coming together and I'm trying to produce more personal work instead of trying to do mash-ups and shit. Getting ready to do Tucson Comic Con again in November. Not sure how things are going to roll out but I might be getting some keychains or enamel pins. Haven't quite figured it out yet.
Been playing a lot of the new Legend of Zelda as of late. I guess you could tell, since it's affecting my artwork. Here's a mash up of a Banksy piece and Link from the game. This was my rough idea. I know that the Banksy piece was cool because the guy was throwing flowers but he looked like a man in a riot. So it had a cool play on it. But for some reason I wanted to just keep it uniform to the game.
I put link in the Sheikah Armor because it has a face cover and it has some cool identifying marks like the shoulder armor and the leg guards.
So I spent some time cleaning it up and getting things together for it.
Go it all filled out and what not, made it look cool then started thinking about what color it should be on.
I then added some texture to it to make it feel like a spray painted item.
Hey guys, what's up? I realize it might have been some time since my last post. Just reminding you that I'm alive and that this is still a good space to see me do stuff.
I have been playing the new Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. It's a great open world game where you can do anything your heart desires. You basically just run around and find stuff, kill stuff, cook stuff and fight for your life in the harsh cold, heat, or monster dens. While exploring you find these little forest spirits called Koroks. They give you seeds for finding them. You use seeds to upgrade your inventory. They are super helpful and have you solve little puzzles to unlock them. Here's a pattern I wanted to make using them!
Alright, so there was my rough idea- Just the basic outline and shapes of the spirits and a seed, and I just wanted to see how they'd work together in a pattern.
I arranged them together in a way that I thought would look cool, then figured out how I wanted the seeds to be placed.
Here's the basic coloring and placement that I liked!
I then just threw it out in a pattern to see how it works out visually. I liked it enough to keep going!
I cleaned up the line work, then added some details that made it a bit more interesting.
Cleaning up the colors then going on top and adding some of the leaves details and shadows.
I added the spirits faces and mouths, then added a little light detail to make them interesting to look at. Then just finished up the design, slapping it on stuff for RedBubble.
Check out the stuff you can get the design on " here "
I am particularly fond the of the design on a clock! But it looks great on leggings and the other stuff I put it on!
Oh, yeah check out this other design I did too. It's a mash up of Pin Head, from Hell Raiser and a Mr. Meseeks, from Rick & Morty!
I made a new sticker pack and a design with the unicorn for other products.
I originally drew the unicorn for a woman I was courting for a short while.
We met online and had a great connection. I thought that I might have found someone worth investing time in.
I was foolish, like most times when a woman takes interest in me.
I drew her pictures and I even wrote her a poem.
I really liked the unicorn I drew for her and after nothing came of the relation I decided it would be best to share it with others instead of just keeping it to myself.
I decided to make a sticker pack including it, as well as making a separate design for t's and other products!
I updated a bunch of stuff the other day with the new images and junk.
The stream is back online and we've actually been having a lot of fun.
I think getting back to casting has really helped out.
The picture is just me like the Bandit from Borderlands. Nothing too exciting. Something quick and notable.
Here are the next few pages to the Oliver & Monsterbutt comic.
Pages are coming out of me at a snails pace but I'm glad to be making something involving that story.
I have been feeling good trying to tell my story. Been thinking about composition and how to show things for this story to make it interesting to look at.
I hope that once it's all roughed out I can get back to the start and clean everything up, making it look nicer.
I'd like to compile it all and have a book.
I wrote something the other day that I think helped me get some shit straight.
I guess it was just a confession to myself.
It went like this:
OK - searching and reading about coping mechanisms has really helped me start to feel better.
I think step one was to admit I was hurting then understand shit was not right.
I genuinely wan to feel better. I want love and respect. I want happiness.
These are all things that emanate internally. So you gotta look in the inside and see what needs repairs. No one is perfect. Everyone is striving for something more.
We all need love - we all need that feeling of acceptance and we all need to succeed and have that feeling of achievement. People say HOPE is the reason to keep trying. It worked for me for a short while. I felt like I could keep going but I kept taking each failure as a personal attack against everything that is "me."
It's hard to move on after a failure - But if there's anything I learned in college, it's to keep trying. You will eventually make it with the support of those around you. Even when it feels like no one is there, you definitely have someone on your side.
trying to stop the negative is impossible but you can talk back and show yourself these thoughts are not TRUE. Your mind is a convincing liar. It will do the easiest thing. The path of least resistance. And where you grow is beyond that path Success is on the other side of fear. Or so they say. Just gotta keep trying and moving forward.