Thursday, December 20, 2018

Trying to make progress. Oliver & Monsterbutt Pitch Work.

What I need to get this presentation going:
Images:
I need to get the title image done.
Oliver & Monsterbutt.
Video Game influences with cartridge based game.
Pixel-y looking, Fantasy.
A glimpse of the meteor to help explain the world.

What Oliver looks like.
A little boy with short scruffy brown hair and blue eyes hidden behind big glasses. He wears a dark blue and white striped shirt with blue pants.
In the video game he represents himself but as a character in the game he's different. He's got simple clothing on. A simple tunic and nice boots, a simple sword and shield. He isn't about style, it's about function.

What Oliver's Mom and Dad look like.
What Monsterbutt looks like.
What Celeste looks like.
What Sohn looks like.
What DD looks like.
What the King looks like.
What the Evil King looks like.
What the Shadow Warriors look like.
What the kingdom looks like.

Step 1 /
Concept:
Never Ending Story meets Video Games. (I can't remember how else I described it)
The show will prove with the power of friendship, opening up about trauma, using your imagination, and standing up for what's right in the face of what's wrong is possible.

It's about having to be more mature then you understand. He can't be a kid, because his dad beats him into being an adult, so he never really had the chance to be a kid.
(I need to work the taglines down better)

Oliver is a young boy who struggles with friendships in school. He is shown as lonely and his only escape from the troubles at home and at school is video games.
Oliver suffers a harsh abuse session with his step dad because he's late. His mom is oblivious to the abuse but see's that Oliver needs a pick me up. She sends him into a 2nd hand store to pick out something he really likes and finds a mysterious video game cartridge.
His mother also buys him this strange stuffed toy. Oliver spends time playing the video game, where he disassociates from the troubles of real life and becomes a hero of the realm.
Oliver's step dad punishes him again, and in the game suddenly something happens!
The realm is being overtaken by a group of shadow warriors, they descend from portals that look like visual glitches. The warriors fight with a ferocity like none other. They are fighting to reset the game and delete all the world knows. The king goes missing and Oliver and friends find a way to save the world.
The things that happen in the game give him courage for things in real life. Oliver finds a friend in the game, a creature called Monsterbutt, and Oliver discovers what it's like to have someone in his life that cares. The things that happen in the game help him address big things like having an imaginary friend, talking to his crush at school, having a real best friend, and in the finale, standing up to his abusive father who is the representation of the evil corruption in the video game.

 Main Character:
What Oliver looks like -
A little boy with short scruffy brown hair and blue eyes hidden behind big glasses. He wears a dark blue and white striped shirt with blue pants.
In the video game he represents himself but as a character in the game he's different. He's got simple clothing on. A simple tunic and nice boots, a simple sword and shield. He isn't about style, it's about function.
Who is Oliver? What does he stand for?
In the real world he's a timid boy who struggles with himself due to abuse. He's unsure of himself.
In the video game he's a hero, he does what's right with a high moral obligation to uphold justice. He is everything he wishes he could be in real life. He doesn't realize it, but he really is those things he wants to be. He just needs the game, Monsterbutt and friends to help him realize it.

 World:
Oliver lives in the real world. He lives in a poor part of town and he doesn't really have a lot going for him. He goes to school like any other kid his age and struggles with how to be a kid and make friends.
As Oliver gets into the game, his real life gets worse, causing him to want to disassociate more.
Most of the TV-Series takes place in the land of Gizwald. It's a video game realm where a corruption is spreading and Oliver does everything he can to stop it.
Gizwald is a fantasy video game realm ruled by a king. There are knights, and monsters, armies and wizards. It's a parody of video games in the genre.
Gizwald is a large kingdom built around a fallen meteor. The meteor yielded resources for the realm making it fantastical with awesome weaponry. It's a source of currency and the realms residents live around the kingdom as a whole to progress and work towards a united society. Before the meteor the realm was ruled by huge beasts and monsters, which a hero Desmond Destoldt helped keep at bay with his group of hunters. The fallen meteor attracted all walks, scientists, scholars, soldiers, to group up and eventually the kingdom built up around it. Everyone joining together for the greater good. All of this changes when Oliver gets settled in the realm and saves a local village from a giant beast and meets his new friend Monsterbutt.
Shadow Warriors descend from glitch portals and begin to corrupt the realm and the local beasts and monsters. They are fighting unified to "reset" the game.

Side Characters:
Monsterbutt:

Celeste, she's a trickster type character. She lies and manipulates to get what she wants. She doesn't do it on purpose, she thinks she's doing the right thing. She doesn't reveal any info until it's too late.
Celeste is a few years older, and a little taller than Oliver. She's a bit pudgy, not fat but thick. She's got long golden hair, but she hides it with her clothing. She's hooded, or masked because she doesn't want people to see who she is. She's hiding herself because she's the princess. She likes the color dark green, and black. She's roguish, she uses twin daggers. She's clumsy, so she's prone to falling, tripping, or causing a ruckus unintentionally.
She tricks Oliver and Monsterbutt to help her on a quest to save someone close to her who's sick. She uses their needs to get her ahead. She learns through eavesdropping that they are looking for some one and she uses that information to trick them into taking her somewhere completely different.
Which wastes their time, but in that they gain her as an ally.
As the series progresses we find out she's the princess. Her father, the king, is sick and being corrupted by this strange glitch.
Celeste looks like a girl in school that Oliver has a crush on. In the game, she likes Oliver and he discovers how to talk to girls in real life.

Sohn, is a strong silent type character.
He is tall and skinny. Short buzzed black hair. He's lanky like a bean pole. He's like a member of the Nights Watch from GoT. Black garb, cool black leather armor. He's a warrior type. Like a berserker. He doesn't fight, until later. He's a bit broken because of being tortured by the shadow warriors general. Sohn in deep and enlightened. He helps Oliver realize his true self.
He is alone, and Oliver helps him talk about what he's going through because they relate to each other due to the abuse and trauma. Oliver learns he's able to be open about what happened to him and Sohn shows him he's not useless or less of a person because of what happened.
Sohn learns that his family, his Mom, and older brother were killed by the Shadow Warriors and all that was left was his brother's great sword, which he will use to avenge their deaths. This sparks a bit of conflict because Oliver doesn't think vengeance will solve anything. Causing a bit of a rift in their friendship. But in the end, Sohn has to work side by side Oliver to help bring down the evil, the great sword is the only thing that will hurt the evil king enough to stop him.

Desmond Destoldt, he's the realms iconic hero.
He's old and tired, medium length silver hair, large scar over his white eye, big armor and a huge massive sword that just doesn't make sense on how he uses it. He's big and blocky just a giant of a person. All this ancient monster fighting really bulked him up. He's got a great smile and he's charismatic. He's like a paladin type. He's got an aura around him that just makes it better.
He's an NPC so he's not exactly someone or something that acts on emotion. He's scripted and robotic. But very powerful and a guardian type character. He is the King's guardian, but when Oliver finds him the king is no where to be found. He helps Oliver build confidence early on. Oliver uses DD to exploit things in the game to get further, because Oliver is a long time gamer, he knows how to manipulate the AI to do things. Eventually DD get's corrupted by the evil king and Oliver, MB, Celeste and Sohn have to team up and fight him to win a tournament set up by the evil king, like Mortal Kombat.

The King, he's just a typical king looking guy, kept the realm together like a king would. He's Celete's father, and he loves her dearly. He's fat, big bearded. Like Zelda's father in Breath of the Wild.

The Evil King, will do anything to corrupt the realm and have it reset. The evil king represents Oliver's step father in real life. He will impede Oliver every step of the way, even going as far as to kidnap DD and corrupt him, making them fight.

Generals,

Shadow Warriors are energy wrapped in bits of armor. They have angry glowing eyes. the engery is red and yellow, their armor is  unique and ancient. Like the armor in Legend of Zelda, Windwaker. 

Step 2 /
Storylines:
Oliver being the hero and saving the kingdom. A corruption spreads as the King is missing. The world falls into decay as glitches and evil warriors draw and quarter villages. Crazy monsters and beasts roam and threaten. Oliver has to collect items to help build his confidence to stand up to this evil. It's symbolism stands for how he wants to stand up to his abusive stepdad. (main)

Oliver and friends need to defeat the corruptions evil generals to help stop the world from being reset, the generals have unique items that help Oliver overcome challenges. These things gained in the game help Oliver build confidence in real life. (major)

This branches to Oliver needing a true friend to rely: Monsterbutt.

Monsterbutt finding a true friend in Oliver. (early and minor)

It branches out to him helping people like Celeste and Sohn.

Celeste finding a cure for her father, the king. (major sub plot)

Sohn dealing with his trauma of being tortured by the Shadow Warriors. How Oliver opens up to him about how his dad abuses him. Sohn opens up and they create a strong bond together. (strong growth sub plot)

Flash backs to why Oliver thinks DD is a hero DD is a regional hero of the game and is an ICON. Oliver looks up to him as a role model. So fighting him in the mid season finale is super important because Oliver will always do what's right, no matter what. (major / Half)

DD's betrayal, As an NPC DD became corrupted and turns on Oliver and MB. (major sub plot)

Sohn overcoming the loss of his family, learning that these guys are his family. (strong growth and major sub plot)

Celeste falling for Oliver. (minor)

The fight against the Evil King.

Step 3 /
Design:
Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends meets Hilda?

Platforms:
Netflix Hulu other streaming sites.

Budget+Planning:

Team:

Thanks!

Thursday, December 13, 2018

The Fool (not drunk version)

Wide awake. Nervous about what will be. Hope for the future cemented and laid out smooth. Like my clothes. Full of unrealistic expectations for myself.
Still, nervous.
I put on my best outfit. New jeans. New dress shoes. New button up dress shirt. As if to lie about myself on the outside. Nothing new. Nothing flashy. Just a ball of jaded darkness. Cynical and hurt. Licking wounds 10 years old next to scars three years old.
I sit there nervous, fighting the anxiety. Adjusting my pants and looking at my shoes. The trainer's voice trailing out as my heart palpitates. My mind racing. You're stuck. You trapped yourself like this. How could you let it get this bad.
I unscrew my cap to my water bottle. I gulp down water to wash away the negativity. Each swallow cleansing me. Wave after wave of "let it go"
I scan the room defensively. My cap making a little squeak as I tighten it closed.
My eyes meet yours and I look away as quickly as they met. You look back to the trainer and I admire you. I wonder what you're like and who you are. I look at you, examining you. I can't help but think of the word beautiful.
I try to figure out how to talk to you. I dismiss the thought.
I think about how if you sat next to me what I would say to you. Would I joke around and be silly, or would I be so serious? It wouldn't fly. I couldn't charm a woman like that.
What could someone like her see in something like me? I beat myself up for thinking like that.
I feel like a monster, something disgusting and repulsive. She wouldn't talk to me even if she had to.
A beauty to my beast.
I'm a thing, and she's beauty incarnate.
Her hair wavy and wild, but tamed, brown and reds swirl and curl that lead to a neat bun.
Her blue eyes light up when a smile hits. Her lips so inviting, curved up as she laughs. They make me think about strawberries. I bite my lip thinking about what it would taste like. Dismiss the thoughts. Be realistic. I look down at my stomach. A button stressed out worse than I am. As if to be holding it all together under so much pressure. I suck it in a little.
I try to pay attention in the class. My mind wandering. Going around and around.
I dream about how she looks with her hair down. At ease, lounging around on a day off. Looking through her phone, binging Netflix with a blanket wrapped around her.
Her voice hits me. Soft like a melody. We learn her name. It's one unlike any other. Unforgettable.
She sings a ballad of who she is to me, short and sweet. The realization is, it's not to me. It's to everyone. Seems as though I forgot there were other people on Earth. I thought it was just us for a moment.
Time goes on and everyday I hope I have the guts to say hi. But one day the universe interrupts.
OK everyone find a new seat. Do not sit next to anyone you sat by before. The side conversations have been getting out of hand and we have a lot of stuff to get through before you all are ready.
I picked a seat, empty on both sides. I kept thinking about who I didn't want to sit next to. And for moments my worst fears had been realized. Noisy and annoying. Rude and unpleasant. I decide to move down a bit. An empty seat next to me.
I had no idea that day things would change for me. I couldn't fathom what would transpire.
If you told me word for word everything that happened I would laugh at you and call you a liar.
You had no where else to go. You were stuck next to me.
Here it was. The thing I had been thinking about for so long. What do I do? What do I even say?
If a quiz is a quizzical, then what is a test? I write it on a scrap paper and slid it over.
She reads it. Her eyebrow twinges and she re-reads it. She looks at me silently laughing. I smile back at her. My eyes zing. I feel energy pouring out of me like I had been struck in the heart. All of my anything was leaking out.
I spend time encouraging her, she's just as nervous about this job as I am. I do my best to coach and empower. You are worth it. You should try. In the end it's going to work out. I promise.
We learn together. I see you blossom. I offer you advise and show you how I'd approach things.
You call me your buddy and tell me you wouldn't know what to do if we had to sit apart.
I laugh and I think, beauty and the beast. She's stuck in my castle and now she will learn to love me or leave.
I invite her to play a game. We fill in squares until the grid is locked and we count how many D's and Z's are there, the most wins. I lose intentionally. I want to give her a win. She needs her confidence built. I make her laugh and smile. I see her growing and being more confident. I admire this in her.
Eventually we get flung from the nest and we have to learn to fly or we die at the base of the tree.
I take off and I soar. I'm like a fresh clueless little bird in a crazy world. Relying on what I was told. Hoping I just do it right.
We get moved away but I at least get to see you on breaks and I try to convince you to spend time with me on lunch.
I admit my deepest fears and find out I'm super weak to you. I can't help it but feel this cosmic connection. Something otherworldly. This thing I can't explain. We hug and it's like when magnets touch. I don't want to let go. I embrace you and I feel something.
I go from feeling nothing to feeling something.
We spend time talking and learning about each other. I can't help but admit private feelings and spilling out onto you. I'm gushing out my everything. You take it with stride as if the roles reversed. You are now coaching me. You're showing me how to be better. You are telling me how to do it. How it's going to work out, and how you promise...
I've never had anything like that.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to impose. I respect you. I don't want to make you confused. I just want to see you smile. You deserve to be happy. You shouldn't have to fight so hard for it. It should be natural and seamless. You light me up and the least I can do is attempt to do the same.
We agree to hangout outside of work. The intention of just being able to spend more time together, something innocent. Very pure. Then the ball drops. The center in confusion. People leaving projects and moving around. We are unsure and things are not clear as to things will play out.
You tell me that you are hopeful for me and I can't believe a woman like you would ever say anything like that to me. If a woman of your caliber could feel this way towards me then I am hopeful. After all this time I can't help but think of how beautiful you are. It's not just looks. You are such a wonderful person on the inside. I admit I do not understand what you see in me but if you see it then I hope others do too. I can't help but admit you are a 12/10. So beautiful and so genuine.
You tell me that you love me, but in that deep friendship way. I admit that I do feel the same. But it's hard to say. I don't want to impose on you or confuse you. You tell me that if you had to pick that I would be on the roster. And not just on the list but like, at the top of the list...
You make me promise to you that we will make time to see each other.
You tell me that you wouldn't know what to do if we got separated. It warmed my heart.
You want to see me succeed and you admit to me how it hurts when I'm angry. I admit I feel the same.
I just want to see you flourish and be well. You warm me right up. You kiss me on the cheek one day after giving you a ride home. I just remember feeling the power of that kiss all the way to bed. I never want to feel anything on that cheek ever again. Unless it was another kiss.
Today is the day. I lay there in bed nervous. Plans laid out like my clothes on the night stand. I have a new shirt I've never worn before. I hope to show off. I want to show you I am not lying. I am what you see. A real man. Built up from hard work and trust. We've built something strong in each other. I've watered you and nurtured you, and you to me. We've been tending this beautiful garden. You helping me prune the toxicity. It's so lovely to see you, radiant and beautiful. You are life itself.
Glorious in its magnanimity. I am radiating confidence as we converse on break. I can't help it but want to hug you, so I double hug you and laugh to myself. All these days of standing at your locker and talking to you. The days under the trees learning more about each other. Seeing you angry, seeing you sad, seeing you just be you. Me being me, sad, jaded and melancholy.
We build each other up.
I wait for you at the end of the day. Your shoes clicking as you hurry to my car. Makes me think about how I was running through today to get to this moment. I watched the clock eagerly waiting to leave knowing I'd be able to hang out with you one on one. No expectations, nothing holding us up, just you and I. Like the first time I heard you speak.
We are there existing on a whole other level. No one else there on our plane of existence.
We vibrate on a level like none other. Our cosmic force colliding. Little supernovas form from our chemistry. I can't help but touch you. I feel the heat radiating off of you. You hug on me. You hold onto me. You wrap your arms in mine as we walk. It's like we have finally connected.
I'm no longer leaking my everything. I'm together. I am it. This beast tame. No longer wounded. No longer guarded. I can just be. You're just you and I'm just me. We are it.
I can't explain what lead up to this but knowing you're so close to me makes my heart race. I can't help but look at your lips and your eyes as you look at me and mine. I feel that magnetic pull.
There's no sense fighting it. I feel like this is what it was like when the Moon collided with the Earth.
My lips touch yours and for an instant a new universe was created. Explosive and fiery. You gently press your tongue on mine. Asking me for more in an innocent power play.
We break. I admit I couldn't help myself. I can't be the reason you get hurt. I don't want to impose. And as an adult I know what I'm doing is taboo. But I can't help it. We pull in together again. As if more passionate and more real.
We admit it's time to go. We can't keep this up realistically.
I take you home and as we part you turn around and blow me a kiss. I catch it and I put it on my heart. Like a band-aid... I become overwhelmed with reality. I actually feel something. I feel alive. I feel like I did before I was broken and jaded. All I needed was someone like you.
My heart swells and I feel so much joy. I begin to well up. Happiness begins to pour from my eyes. Then sorrow. Then pity. But then more happiness. It is much better to love and lose then to have never loved at all. I cry for a half hour. Just thinking about how real it is. Life isn't a joke. Life isn't fake. Life isn't pit against me. Life isn't a waste. Life is real. This is what it is to be alive. This is what it is to win. This is what it is. This. Is. It.
I knew it. My heart will never be the same.

The Fool

I think it's aptly titled. I want to preface this with I have never cried like I have cried tonight.
I swear to "all that is anything" that I have never felt the way I have right now, ever in my life.
How is my life any different then it was before? How do I ever go back to what normal was?
What the fuck is normal even?

Have you thought of taking pills?
Maybe you should take some medication...
All I needed was you.

Thursday, November 29, 2018

Xen and Teebo (Updated 12/27) Still working it out.

Original post: 11/09
"I don't think he's ready." A voice in the huddle murmurs.
The group of tribal elders and hunters looks over at Xen, a small boy with a flying bug in his hand.
"He's coming of age, it's time he went on a hunt." The tribe chief insists.
Xen's brother, Shu, is the lead hunter of the tribe. He throws in his opinion.
"No." He says firmly. "The creatures have been getting more aggressive and they are getting closer to the village. It's not about hunting for survival, it's about eliminating the threats." He rubs his shoulder, his fingers pressing on a large scar down his arm.
The sound of a faint horn goes off in the distance, Shu's eyes widen as he grabs his weapon. The chief waves his hands in a dismissive motion and they break to continue their duties.
Xen hears the horn as well and in the action of everyone taking their place he sneaks down a less beaten path. He squeezes between a tree and rock and tumbles through a bush. He rolls through a small crack in a stone ruin and lands in a large room with a hole in the ceiling. The light illuminates the walls, displaying worn pictures of previous tribes.
Shu grabs a spear and a shield and runs past villagers towards to camps big fenced doorway. Light poking through the trees a pathway is illuminated. A roar off in the distance stops him in his tracks. He looks back at his crew of hunters. Shu knows that roar, and as he looks at the rag tag group of hunters he sees a younger boy shaking and scared.

 Update: 11/29
I was really fond of writing this parallel between Xen who wants to work with the monsters and his brother Shu who wants to fight them. They run down a similar path but what they choose to do it the polar opposites. I am working on how they converge and how it will affect them both. Ultimately at the end we see what happens when you need to do the right thing.

xen = parts through a crowd / slipping through / tumbles through some bushes, does a roll and climbs a wall, he stands before some ancient ruins on the outskirts of town / runs into the ruins picks up a torch and lights it. He walks past the images of tribes from the past. Imagery show the tribe with large animal pets and lots of celebration.
Xen gathers up some insects that were around in the area, as if to tame them. He speaks to them and they lead him down this dark path in the ruins. A faint and distant roar startles him and the bugs. Xen does a call with his hand cupped over his mouth. From out of the cracks in the wall a cute lizard crawls and looks at Xen questionably.
Xen pets the lizard and gives him a little snack. A small little animal cry echoes through the hall. Xen feels like it might be in danger, he must find it.
Xen explores around this center hall of the ruins. It looks like an old gathering spot. The roof has been covered by tree branches, roots, leaves, dirt, but there's a hole with light peering through. It illuminates the hall, leading xen to a spot where he hears a small cry of a baby animal. It's a little soft nesting spot from an old bird. In the nest he hears a little creature crying out looking for something.

Shu=  Forces himself through the crowd / people part the way for him/ he jumps over a barricade and does a roll/ running into a large hut near the gate of the village / he runs into the staging area and picks up his shield and spear / he runs down a lit path trophies of past kills line the walls, dino horns and weird bones. Lots of mounted trophy kills.
Shu rallies some brave villagers and they gather, ready to go out from the gates.  A loud roar startles Shu as his eyes go dead as if to flash back to some trauma. A villager shakes him out of it, looking at him questionably.
Shu shakes himself out of it and another roar let's him collect his thoughts. He knows what he must do. The beast is a threat and they must drive it back.
Shu and the villagers rally around a cliff side. Overlooking a valley. They hide in the trees. A tender roar of this magnificent beast coo's. The beast is not angry. It's crying for something. A long roar bellows out and echoes across the ridge.

A roar bellows out and at the end are some whimpers. Shu looks at his spear. A feather, the same color as the feathers on this beast. He rubs the feather. It lifts and flips in a small breeze. There's a crash of a tree falling as the beast begins to move through the ridge and towards the village. The crash reverberates inside of Shu. More trauma as he remembers when he was a young boy. His eyes wide and dark. He's there holding the same feather, but he is a young boy. The village was under some kind of attack and the hut that he lived in was being crushed under the foot of a large gray beast. The feathered wyvern was there too. The roar. It gave him goosebumps. He begins frantically searching for Xen. The wyvern flips past him at a speed that was jarring. As it passed by a column crumbled and reveals Xen, swaddled in leathers and soft cloth as villagers with weapons ran by.Shu grabs Xen and holds him close. He begins to run away, looking back he tries to scan the area for his parents. His house completely destroyed. He looks back at the men fighting the wyvern. Shu watched as this wyvern slashed it's tail, knocking them all out of the way with such force that jolted him back to reality. His eyes narrow as he remembers why he fights.

Update 12/27 ---
We need to get a production schedule done.
Looking to have this done from concept to completion by the end of April 30th 2019.

Basic story outline done -
- This entails having the beginning, middle and end completed with a coherent and interesting story that encompasses the core concept of the story arc.

Basic art visuals done -
 - This entails basic Character concepts, monster concepts, props, landscapes

--------------------------------------------------------
Revision of Story done -
- This entails rounding out the story, taking it to the next level, a solid form and fluidity of an actual written story aided by the revised visuals created. Having the dialog done.

Revised art visuals done -
 - This entails more focused character work with Xen, Teebo, Shu, and the Big Monster. Picking out the finalized look of them. More solid ideas on the landscape and props. 

March 31th 2019
Final Story Version done -
- This entails all kinks worked out, having a full finished story, edited, script done, everything worked out to be sold as is.

Final art visuals done -
 - This entails finalized character turn arounds for Xen, Teebo, Shu, and the Big Monster, landscapes and other things needed to finalize the pitch.

It would be great to have all of this done, so that way we can spend the final month of April to get the pitch done and good to go.

April 30th 2019
Having the pitch finalized, with visuals and story created. This pitch should be ready to be presented, no missing info or hiccups.
Looking to have a power point presentation or what ever finished and ready to go.

Friday, November 9, 2018

Oliver & Monsterbutt in the land of Gizwald

Land of Gizwald.

Creation story. A meteor fell and on the impact crater, a settlement formed which grew into a trade hub. The materials there helped it grow strong, attracting originally the strongest in the land, as well as the most curious. Scientist and soldier alike. Then, blossomed into a flourishing kingdom. The soldiers protected the scientists and merchants while they provided them with the best equipment ever made from materials not of their world.
Psyonium.
The land consists of many video game worlds connected. The world is united under this kingdom.
The kingdoms are mixtures of known video game titles / worlds.
Not much is known about the upper echelon of kingdom rulers.
Obviously it's ruled by a person but they are super secretive.
The Ruler is a descendant of one who first discovered the meteor. That's how things are kept in check. So it's been a long line down until now.
The Ruler meets with the figure heads on their businesses and they make decisions with each other about how things roll out for the land.

Societal Advisors (people) - Military Generals (weapons)- Merchant Heads (product), Banker Heads (money), Farmer Heads (food!).
1 guy is the figure head, then they have a team of people who run their operations.
So the businesses and stuff that exists in the realm all revolve around these things.
The figure heads can be iconic video game characters, but like, parodies, so a character that is similar to Sonic could run the bank, and the coins / money could be rings of some kind. Or it could be a Mario brother, and they have coins from the Mario games.

The title screen could be something like this so we can introduce the land:
Darkness. A heavy click sound and a flash of the screen. Like turning on an old Nintendo game.

"Oliver & Monsterbutt."Climbs up into the middle of the screen and a "ping" sound.
Video game-esk, with pixelation and little glimmers. The letters are built from things gamey-
The letters are on top of a wide shot of a large kingdom. A giant Castle in the middle, a few large buildings that come down a hill into several houses / smaller buildings then there's the grassy trees and bushes..
A flash of lightening and we see Oliver walking through the bottom of the screen. Behind him a lumbering big monster (MB), behind that is another boy (Sohn) and behind him is a sneaky chubby girl, (Celeste). And then a long line of soldiers and monsters that finish off with 6 larger figures. They are all silhouetted.
The letters fade as we go pan into the sky. We focus at the top of the castle where the sky turns purple and red, storming. An outline of an evil figure in the clouds. It's in the shape of the most evil creature in the land, and next to him the 6 silhouetted figures are there with him.
It flashes "press start" and an upbeat sound effect plays. It all fades and then:
Title card of the episode. 

A red and purple storm begins swirling on edges of the land. We zoom into a small town on the outskirts of the land. 
A boy walks through the center square. He's very simply dressed, nothing dramatic. A simple tunic, messy brown hair. Big blue eyes behind a pair of square glasses. His belt has a few trinkets and a couple of potion vials. His boots super worn down like he's done a lot of traveling. A modest sword with a chip in it and a worn bag slung over his shoulder.
Some young towns people notice him and celebrate his arrival, "Thank you! Thank you!" they yell. He is humble and smiles, waves them off. "It's nothing, really!"
He walks past the Inn, parchment paper nailed up next to wanted posters reads "Young Boy slays rampant beast, SAVES TOWN!!"
People offer him things as he walks through the town. He takes, graciously.  But his smile is turned serious as his eyes focus on the storm brewing over the town. It all happens in a flash of lightening. Dark forces begin to overtake the town. Soldiers in dark armor, smoking Glowing eyes, no physical features at all, just shadow soldiers, storm the city.
Ollie helps people run the other way as he makes his way to the center of town. He dispatches these shadow warriors easily. They disappear into shadow dust when slain.
He goes to the center of town and helps a trapped villager. Ollie dispatches a few more soldiers and just like that it's silent. The storm is gone, no sound, eerie silence. Then, slowly the sounds of the towns people as they come back to see what happened. Ollie scans the sky and sees several storms off in the distance. This isn't just a single attack. Other parts of the land are under siege by these mysterious shadow warriors as well.
Royal Soldiers march through and help restore the town. An announcement from one of the soldiers cries: "All men who are brave at heart are to report to the castle grounds at once. This is for the fate of our known world! The Kingdom demands it!" 
Ollie now knows his mission. He has a sense of purpose in his gut and in his heart. He needs to make it to the center of the land to make sure the kingdom is safe. He will offer his sword in the fight against this encroaching evil.

The video game land is under attack by a constant threat of evil. A dark force is invading each video game and Ollie has to go in and save it, but Ollie fails, a lot. Ollie can't save everyone. Some places fall and this corruption spreads. Several celebrated heroes fall to the darkness. Even O's idol.
Will elaborate more on his idol soon.  

O's Idol is an old world soldier who defended the kingdom during a monster phase, and defeated a legendary monster snake dragon.
(parallel to Monster Hunter )
Desmond Destoldt the Great. Or just Double D for short.
He's highly respected and O had the privilege of hanging out with him on multiple occasions.
O has a picture of them together when they first met. The picture is of a hearty soldier kind of like Reinheart from OW. He's got a scar on his face and he's just a paladin type guy. He's wearing armor made from monster parts.
He taught O about honor and respect. Things his father never showed him. He was a big role model to him.
When this happens it could be a flashback episode to where O is younger, and new to the world and DD show's him what's up.

He becomes a bit jaded hearing about the passing of his idol, but one day he's in a town kind of just messing around. He's not interested in hunting down bounties or doing anything. He comes across a mystic and eventually he tells him of this weird future. (we'll figure it out soon it's a bad version of what truly happens, shit's mixed up in the order, or who's involved.)
In that future though, Ollie has a battle companion. And they tear it up.
Ollie works alone, so having a companion is bullshit in his mind.
Ollie is difficult to work with, his style is rogue and he doesn't want the extra "help"

O tries to make it to the castle but on the outer rim of the castle zone it's blocked by the corruption of this new evil force. He can't get into the castle at all. There isn't a way around the corruption at this moment and he's going to have to figure out something new.
A camp that is set up nearby is set and they have a set system where they are trying to get into the castle and stop the evil forces around as much as they can. O pledges alligence and starts learning about the evil forces.

O picks up a quest to stop a local wizard who joined forces with the Evil.
The wizard is controlling a group of 20 Shadow Soldiers and causing trouble to a farming family.
O learns from the wizard that the army is controlled by an evil ruler king, and 6 generals that keep his army in line. Each general using a special weapon.
The wizard was originally a good guy, but got corrupted by the dark magic. O saves the wizard and stops the shadow forces and completes the bounty.

O hears of a bounty at this far outpost where a general is rumored to be there..

Eventually Ollie comes across Monster Butt.
O ends up on the outskirts of the land where he stumbles upon a rouge camp of Evil dudes. The camp is built around a giant cage and in the cage there are flashes of light and electricity. A creature is moaning in pain. O can't sit idle while a beast is in trouble. He finds out that ...
The monster is trapped by these tough high ranking "evil" forces. They are beating him up pretty bad. He's restrained and cant fight back.
Ollie has to figure to rescue him.
After some kind of scheme.
The general has his weapon used against him which almost cripples him. O learns the power of these OP Items the Evil Forces are using to corrupt the land.

O defeats the bad guys and he's able to take care of MB.
The general escapes. 
MB is saved, but wounded. Ollie is reluctant to help him out because of his lone wolf mentality.
Ollie uses his skills to help MB. MB is grateful and they part ways.

So now we build on who O is and who MB is. 

Ollie needs to need MB.
MB needs to need O.
So a bit of a double story goes on between them when they part ways.
Ollie needs to fail and it needs to be saved in a way MB can only do it.
Ollie realizes he needs MB to save the land. He's part of the mystics prophecy.
They get captured by evil forces and help each other escape. They promise in the cell that they will work together. 

They become battle mates. This could be a few episodes. 2-3 where they go to villages or towns and help try to put things back together. Like closing out the bounty board in the hub camp outside the castle walls.

They discover the source of the evil forces and see what the main bad guy kind of looks like.
Their relationship grows as they fight evil forces. But they aren't getting anywhere. Some wins, some losses.
They are battle hardened. They still have no new moves, or items or skills. They are just basically high level with bad gear.

A Combat Tournament is held where O and MB fight against officers and generals of the Evil Forces.
Discover the true evil master mind. He is overseeing the tournament.The main fighter looks familiar. It's a zombied version of Destoldt. Somehow he was resurrected and turned evil by the shadow forces.

O and MB meet Sohn (son) in the tournament. They don't fight but O see's Sohns devotion on defeating this evil. Sohn fails and is gone. (not dead)

Stuff happens and they get the chance to stand up to him.
O and MB fight Destoldt and get their ass whooped.
The evil uses D to fight O and MB while he escapes.
They definitely lose.
The drama of having to fight someone he loves, but knows is gone is hard. MB encourages him to fight on because it's not really him. He's possessed or dead and reanimated, because there's no way D would help this evil force do this at all. 
Like ass handed to them lose. O needs stuff to help him fight against him. MB needs skills to help him fight with O.

They Discover the "Evil" forces motives.
O and MB lose because The Evil is using Over Powered items taken from each major kingdom. When used out of their game the items are unchecked and operate sporadically. Making them "OP"
The Evil Forces are going into games and stealing items that cause the corruption. O and MB have to return the items stolen to restore order.
They can go into games and get items that help them.
O is lost and aimless, both him and MB don't know what to do next. O just decides to work towards going into the castle.

During the war and battles to reach the kingdom Ollie meets a boy who quickly becomes his best friend. They meet fighting for the same thing and unite their quest. The boy's name is Sohn. (son)
They are close in age and they both have similar food interests so they clicked very quickly. They soon begin finishing each others sentences. They remember each other from the tournament.
Sohn tells O he's going to the mystic to find a clear path for the future. Sohn has a rough idea of what he wants to do but this idea helps O and MB get on the right path as well.
O goes to the mystic again and the mystic tells him of 6 items that will help him destroy the evil forces. And that he needs to restore the 6 Items the generals stole from each land.
- A mystical Sword. It's in O's favorite game. First item he finds and uses.
- Special Boots.
- A talisman / stone / trinket from MB. They have to go to where MB is from and it's a sad story.
- One of the items is held by a general of the evil forces. They use it like Mega Man because it makes  the other generals weak.
- A charm or item from Destoldt. His Idol.
- A mystical blue bottle. Maybe the power on the inside is love? Or something cheesy?
These items really do nothing for him. It just gives O the confidence to be his true self. The whole journey is about him finding himself and becoming a better person.
Getting the items are temples and things done around helping others, doing things.
The OP Items are gained by fighting the generals. They aren't used in fighting, only the generals can use them as weapons.

The items O and MB need to return are weapons the generals are using against the game lands to destroy it.
 What lands are in the kingdom??
Maybe the land is divided up into different styles.

- So there's a spacey type land that's like an alien type world, so Super Metroid and _____. This is where they do science and make up technology to help the land.

- There's a mountainous region that has stuff that looks like the Dino level in Super Mario World. and it could have a death mountain vibe to it with the huge mountain and the ring of cloud. This is where they get ores and metals to help build things.

- There's the jungle area where it's like Monster Hunter. Large beasts and monster roam the land and it's prehistoric so there's that.

- A plains type land where it's hills and flat land that stretches on for seemingly ever! Majority of the farmland is here.

- A dense forest level that has a Sonic the Hedgehog feel to it. This is where they get materials for building houses and what not.

- Lake area with swampland and rivers. The rivers all lead here, and rivers flow from each zone to this area.

The Mystic tells S to go home and there he'll find his true purpose. S begins thinking about all the things he loved from home. He's gushing like the Hobbits do in LOTR when they talk about the Shire. He's thinking about hitting the old pub and hanging out with his older brother. Playing darts and doing stuff with his family. He's the youngest so there was a lot of love bringing him up. He spent a lot of time with his brother, which is where he learned how to fight. He joined the tournament to win prize money to take home.

Ollie also meets up with a thief girl who is super secretive about her identity. She's a cute chubby girl named Celeste. She's a roguish / tomboy who's rambunctious with a mouth, which gets her in trouble a bit when she remembers she has to be incognito. She knows of O and his ventures across the land. She admires him and even thinks he's cute. She writes poetry in a little journal that she keeps very close to her. She secretly admires him that fact makes up for some pretty good / cute / wholesome fun. 

Eventually MB gets sad about O having a friend, because they are best buds, but O goes through and reminds him that MB will always be a part of him, to the end. Because one relationship seems better or different doesn't mean he loves him less or isn't less of his friend. 

The corruption spreads slowly but at this point one of O's favorite zones is near 100% corruption.
He goes back to try to find a way to save it, discovers a magic sword that when he uses it, it subdues the corruption. (a LOZ Tie in) The land is safe after he overcomes a challenge to obtain the sword.
They begin to follow a path that leads them to the Evil Forces generals. One by one. The sword somehow acts as a compass. 

C tries to get close to O, but with her being so secretive O is reluctant. He's an awkward boy who doesn't know a lot about girls anyways. He's more worried about saving the land and being a hero!
She thinks it's cute but dumb.

Eventually they come to Sohns hometown but it has been sacked by the Evil Forces. Sohn discovers everything he had, and everyone he loved is gone. They are dead. He literally has nothing but O, MB, C.
S finds in the ruins of his home a large long sword. (like Guts') He wields it with such force and fury but when anyone else see's him using it, they always laughs at him because they don't believe he can use it properly. He's kind of an aggressive show boat.
It was his brothers sword. It's made from SHMETAL. A special material derived from the meteor itself.
O and C educate S about the metal Psyonium and whatnot but S doesn't care and remembers his brother and family fondly.

They defeat 1 General..
and on the second one he defects and helps O and MB with their journey but is then killed by the last general of the 3 they face.
The defective one tells them that if the land becomes fully corrupted it will all cease to be. It will be "turned off" and everything will go black. Everyone will stop existing. Nothing can restore it if it gets turned off. The Evil Ruler is sick of how things progressed and is disgusted with how everything operates. He's going to turn it all off and reset. The generals are promised a return to the new land and the ability to do what ever they please, rule the lands given to them as they see fit.
This general didn't fully believe and knows that if it's turned off there's no coming back. The evil ruler is just a sick murderer, wanting to kill everything.

Celeste origin story episode.
We learn about Celeste and her roguish ways. We find out she's the princess of the land and that's why she's so secretive. She's trying to find a way to help her father, who is sick in the castle. (we don't know the real story, he's corrupted by the darkness)
We discover that The Evil is the Ruler himself, corrupted by the dark arts.
Celeste is convinced there's a way to save the Ruler, which is why she ran away and is hidden.
She joined O because she knew he was adventurous enough to take her along and protect her while she looked for a "cure"
 She realizes how important it is to save her dad so they can put things back to normal.

We defeat 3 more generals.

what's the end look like?
Celeste gets them into the castle, because she's the princess.
Sohn is able to hold off the bad guys as O and MB go to fight The Evil.
The Evil smokes from a pipe as he reveals the evil plan to take over the kingdom and delete it all. Pulling the plug so to speak.
He does a Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde thing.  He's a strong human form like Gannon.
Then O and MB win, but then Evil consumes the crystals he was smoking whole, where he then transforms into a crazy beast. O and MB get an ass whoopin'.
S and C join up the fight where they all work together to bring him down.
Sohn is able to inflict heavy damage on E, because of the broadsword he has. 
Celeste has something that paralyzes Evil, it separates her father and the evil force corrupting him.
It's like Castlevania SOTN where you need the special glasses to see the true enemy.
and O comes down with the mystical sword killing The Evil.
It's over. They obtain the corrupted items and they work to return the land to normal.
Celeste's father is too weak to carry on as ruler, but on her journey she learned all the things she needed to become an amazing leader and ruler of the land. 
Celeste is ready to become the Ruler and the land is at peace with the recovery and replacement of the items.
When O and MB place the last item in the zone the show ends like how the tv turns off when you pull the plug. Roll credits. Boom.

Some early stuff about Oliver & Monsterbutt

Remember the basics.
25%      intro / state of equilibrium / Definition of wanting something or getting something                denied something

50%      start of the journey to get the thing / lead to climax

25%      Resolution / climax hits and things start to go back to normal /new state of equilibrium

Idea 0
Redux 2.0

act 1 Boy gets hurt, boy needs protection. Boy finds in game how he can help himself. Boy needs monster.

Early on boy gets hurt by Daddy. Boy is imagining him being attacked by a mysterious creature. He is unable to defend himself.  He needs to figure out a way to fight back. He's tired of getting hurt.
Daddy is a monster. Boy plays a quest in the game, where a character is stuck and he has to save him. He uses teamwork to complete the mission and save the guy. The guy is a powerful wolf monk that uses powers of wind to fight. He's 10 levels higher than the rest of the team and he dispatches enemies with ease. Boy finds out he felt like the Wolf Monk in the mission. Trapped by the evil powers and he has to use the power of friends to save himself next time.
Monster has shown he's pretty strong. Maybe they can form an alliance.
Boy pulls out a map the map has a hut in an oasis that's near by. He remembers seeing a place that looks like it would help when he was out adventuring. 

act 2 Boy sees monster is sick. Needs to help him. Boy finds wizard to help. Wizard challenges boy to solve puzzles to find ingredients to save Monster.

Boy seeks out Monster. Monster is hidden away, hiding. He's hurt, from the spider fight. Boy has to find a way to revive him back to normal. The cleric in the party had magical spells to heal poison and other wounds. Maybe somewhere around here he can find a cleric to heal Monster.
Boy and monster set out to find a cleric.
Boy finds oasis not too far from where they started. The wizard in the hut has a beautiful set up, it's glorious, this beautiful peace pond with a place to meditate and all this. It's a place of peace and zen.
The wizard see's boys wound and helps him with a salve that makes him feel better.
He shows him Monster, and Wizard has to concoct a mixture to heal his poison.
The ingredients are sparse and hard to find.
Boy works to find the items and finds them after doing 3 trials. They are puzzles the wizard set up for the boy to overcome using his mind. The wizard had the stuff all to begin with and he comes back with monster healed. The supplies are for the boy to keep, they will help him in the future. The wizard tells him some weird thing that makes it apparent.

 act 3 Boy solves problems and gets monster healed but then wizard tells him about a bad prophecy. But everything is back to normal.

Boy and monster are all healed up and pepped up, boy asks monster if he would be willing to protect him from an evil presence. Monster agrees and they walk home.
Shows boy walking from one trailer house to his house. The wizard is a man who lives across the way. The house has a little pond with fishes, a hammock to lay in and


Idea 0 ----
The Hero of "S" is fighting against a goblin. He strikes him down. The frizzy haired elf witch kills a goblin with a fire blast. The battlefield is loaded with tons of tough enemies. The anthro wolf is surrounded, Boy has to find a way to rescue him before the generals kill him. Boy tries several strategies but keeps coming up a failure. The captains and guards are just really tough. Boy can't quite get it right.
With loud slam the reality of the game is crushed. The battlefield falls and Boy is standing in his room holding the controller in a pose as if he was holding a sword. Boy hears the sliding glass door close hard. It shook the house a little. Boy was startled because he was totally in the game. Reality was kind of bleak. His room was dark with the light of the TV putting a faint glow over everything.
There was this tension in the air. Boy looked around his room and tried to listen to the house, maybe something was going on? No one was in the room. It's silent.
He quickly dismisses it and gets back into the game. The Hero and the Elf start next to each other in the beginning of the round. He charges straight in with the Hero, attacking one of the Captains on the battlefield, and follows up with a fireball from the Elf mage. The mages fireball did extra damage. The Captain fades away in transparent red. Suddenly boy realizes it's about team work, again. It's a rough concept since he's alone a lot of the time. Boy is still too slow to help the Wolf. The Captains overwhelm the battlefield and troops surround him before he can do anything. He fails the mission again. He sets the controller down. The smell of cigarette smoke hits him. Boy gets really uncomfortable. It seems like everyone has a role to play in this fight but what am I doing wrong?

Boy hears an angry yell from outside his room. The smell of cigarette smoke is pretty strong. A sense of dread hits him. Something bad is happening. Boy picks up the controller and continues with the battle. The battle ensues, and reality turns into us in the game. Boy uses the Cleric boy to heal the Wolf during the fight. He didn't know he could heal non team members! That makes sense though, should have thought about that earlier. This realization turns the battle as Hero and the Elf slice down and burn the remaining captains. The battle was won, the Wolf is free. After a quick conversation the Wolf joins the Hero's cause. Boy examines the wolf's status, the wolf is 10 levels higher than his hero and other characters. They engage a group of mercenaries and Boy gets excited because he has seen the wolf man doing cool stuff on the intro video and we can finally see what he's all about.
The battle starts and Boy uses Wolf to fight all the mercenaries alone.
The wolf man busts out some crazy moves. Apparently he's a monk that has air powers. He uses a metal claw to fight, along with his actual claws. The level is dispatched easily and quickly and the boy is surprised!
Black smoke begins to envelop around the Hero and his party. Everything fades away and it's just boy standing in darkness. He circles around looking behind him

He finds a new team member after a difficult challenge to get him unlocked. It's the Anthro-wolf man with wind powers.
The wolfman is super over powered and kills enemies with ease in the next few missions.
Boy discovers he unlocked him early by completing the challenge early. Which is why it was so hard.

The way he unlocks the wolf man helps him fight the challenges upcoming fight with the "Evil"
There's a startling yell in the house and he gets a bad feeling.
Boy goes into imagination realm. He just feels like something's off and he doesn't want to be around.
He's trying to play but he feels this darkness creeping around him. He feels like he's being watch and it's making him nervous. The landscape gets more and more harsh and scary.
He's feeling like he's lost.
He's attacked by a thing called the Evil. The evil is a creature with black coloring. The Evil seems like a shape-shifter.

Rough idea for Idea 0
Boy is being boy, playing video games in his room. Daddy is doing something around the house.
Daddy is pissed about something. Hear Mom and Daddy fighting. Boy goes deeper into video game trying to not hear the fighting.
Mom sobbing, with a bruise on her face, everything is OK. Boy not convinced.
Daddy is still mad.
Boy gets held up by Daddy against the wall. Boy's mouth is covered. Boy is scared, breathing hard through his nose. Daddy is threatening him. Boy is held up by his throat with his mouth covered. Shirt ripped. Boy is freaked out. Tears rolling out of his eyes. Daddy says you can't tell anyone. Or it will be worse. It will get worse.


Idea 1  - The Oasis (Break in the Violence)
Boy sees that there is good in the world and not everyone is out there to hurt him.
Boy spends time at a neighbors house, he has an oasis. A little pond with fish and this cool hammock. Boy went over there one day to get away from the house. Boy and monster have a peaceful day relaxing from fighting monsters. Boy finds a bit of inner peace. The neighbor is a cool 70s/80s hair flowing button up t-shirt. Convertible Car with pop up lights. Puts on a record of some music.
They have a good time. Boy falls asleep on the hammock and the neighbor puts a blanket on him and Monster.

Idea 2 - You Fucked Up.
Mom drops boy off at the park near home. Boy has Monster with him. Mom says to be home at X time. Boy understands. Mom stresses how important it is that he's home at X time.
Boy plays most of the day but he gets lost at the park. Boy finally finds his bearings and heads home.
Boy was late getting home from the playground down the street. The day spent playing with Monster. Boy realizes what time it is and rushes home. Tears in his eyes because he knew he fucked up. Monster doesn't understand. Asks him what's up? What do we do? Boy is scared, he can't exactly explain what is going to happen but he knows it's going to be horrible.
 He gets home and Daddy is there waiting for him at the door.
Boy gets grabbed by the wrist and pulled inside. Boy is sent to the bedroom where he sits there crying.
Boy is dreading what's about to happen. He knows there's nothing he can do. His cries and begging for forgiveness-  is met on def ears.
Daddy grabs boy by the shirt and strikes him hard in the leg causing him to jerk
where he's then hit in the stomach and in the other leg.  

Idea 3 - Don't Touch.
School let's out and the kids scatter. Boy has to walk home but decided to kick back and walk slow. He didn't want to rush home because Daddy was home. Fear keeps him from wanting to go home.
At school Boy has to use the pocket knife to defend himself against a group of bullies.
Boys wearing white sneakers, light blue and dark blue shirts, and beanies that cover their faces.

What's up CUZ, I'm not your cousin. who are you even? Fuck you! You can't wear red here.

One of the people wearing white gloves punches Boy in the face, right in the eye.
But Boy gets surrounded by the bullies and his world plunges into darkness. He gets super scared and the towering figures over him become distorted monsters.
Monster isn't there to help him or defend him. Boy tries to think of ways to escape, he uses the speed boost power from the shoes, but as he's running away one of the monsters trips him, causing him to hit the ground. Dirt in his mouth... He gets up as they kick and hurt him.
He draws the sword to protect himself and cuts one of the monsters.

At school, boy gets in trouble with the pocket knife and the teacher sees the bruises on his arm.
She knows he's not OK but she can't do anything about it, Boy tells a story about what happened, when this monsters attack him but he did the only thing he could which was protect himself.

Idea 4 - Shattered Reality
New kid at school. This kid quickly becomes best friends with Boy. Boy learns about how a family who isn't abusive acts. Mom and Dad actually talk to each other. They have a look in their eyes that's unknown to him. He sees caring and love. It's a weird concept to Boy.

Idea 5 Power ups and Confidence. Multiple episode ideas involving him learning how to use the items in real life.

Kid uses power ups to help him fight Daddy Monster.
He uses courage to stand up to him.
He gets that by having the speed shoes. New shoes mom got him.
The Sword. Pocket knife gotten from the shed.
??? What are other items that are simple that can help him ...
Boy tries to stand up to daddy but he gets badly hurt and Monster gets ripped up and hurt. 

Idea 6 - Is it really over?
Boy witnesses domestic violence first hand. All the times he never really knew what was happening, but he kinda knew.
Boy wakes up to hear Mom yelling. Daddy is hitting her in the face in the hallway. Mom has a bloody face. The fight seems to have been happening from the bedroom into the hallway.
Mom is fully dressed even though it's late at night.
Daddy used a hammer to hurt Mom. 
Boy is terrified because if he does anything he could get hurt too.
 Daddy is frantic and angry. Daddy starts trashing the house.
He starts to leave. Boy is blocking the door.
Dad tells him to move. Boy resists. Boy stands up to Daddy.
Daddy threatens him and boy doesn't flinch. Daddy leaves and disappears. 
Daddy is gone. Police come. Daddy broke a lot of stuff in the house. It's wrecked.
Mom is scared he will come back. pleading with the police to find him.

Idea 7 - Discovery. needs to happen early.
Boy learns about Monster and what he's capable of. Monster is a defensive force, there to protect boy.


Idea 8 -  Not there.
Boy encounters the Evil. Boy is powerless to fight against it. Boy gets hurt, bruises and marks. Monster isn't there to help Boy can't find Monster. 

Xen and Teebo (this will be updated) First Pass.

Original post: 11/09
"I don't think he's ready." A voice in the huddle murmurs.
The group of tribal elders and hunters looks over at Xen, a small boy with a flying bug in his hand.
"He's coming of age, it's time he went on a hunt." The tribe chief insists.
Xen's brother, Shu, is the lead hunter of the tribe. He throws in his opinion.
"No." He says firmly. "The creatures have been getting more aggressive and they are getting closer to the village. It's not about hunting for survival, it's about eliminating the threats." He rubs his shoulder, his fingers pressing on a large scar down his arm.
The sound of a faint horn goes off in the distance, Shu's eyes widen as he grabs his weapon. The chief waves his hands in a dismissive motion and they break to continue their duties.
Xen hears the horn as well and in the action of everyone taking their place he sneaks down a less beaten path. He squeezes between a tree and rock and tumbles through a bush. He rolls through a small crack in a stone ruin and lands in a large room with a hole in the ceiling. The light illuminates the walls, displaying worn pictures of previous tribes.
Shu grabs a spear and a shield and runs past villagers towards to camps big fenced doorway. Light poking through the trees a pathway is illuminated. A roar off in the distance stops him in his tracks. He looks back at his crew of hunters. Shu knows that roar, and as he looks at the rag tag group of hunters he sees a younger boy shaking and scared.

Thursday, November 1, 2018

How do you train yourself to be more thankful for what you have?

Dear reader. Greetings. I hope my message finds you well.
I hope you aren't too concerned about my well being.
I am fighting the good fight. Every day. Trying my heart out.
I survived October. Made it this far. Everyday is a new personal best.
I'm excited for new successes. I look back on things that happened this year and I've done a lot to help my personal growth. I've been spending a lot of time just trying to grow. I know it seems like I'm complaining a lot, or bitching, or what ever, and that I do not post a lot of my successes. But think about all the time that goes by between posts. There's a lot that gets left out. Things that happened that weren't as impactful. To be honest there's a lot of good things that do happen that just aren't mentioned.
Like for instance at the end of the day with my new job I feel super emotionally satisfied. Do you know how cool it is when your direct manager has proper training, and treats you with respect.
It's been several jobs since I've felt this way. It's good to be utilized properly and to be recognized for my strengths.
I'm on track for a promotion right now. I knew hopping onto a new project was going to provide opportunities but I didn't think it was going to be so rapid. Basically the door was open and all I had to do was walk through. I just so happened to be in the right place at the right time.

So art wise, I have been lagging a lot. I have been writing a couple of stories. Jon has been doing some visual development with me on one of the stories. It's about a boy who is part of a tribe. The tribe is full of great hunters. The boy doesn't want to hunt, he finds these old ruins and it shows that the tribe of old used to walk along side the monsters. The tribe is hunting this terrifying beast. The boy discovers a baby cub in the ruins and they become buds. The boy has to hide the cub. The boy is coming of age and has to go on a hunt. The boy finds out the cub belongs to the terrifying monster.
The long and short of it, the boy teaches the tribe that we don't have to kill to survive and that these monsters are allies.
I've been writing Oliver & Monsterbutt fairly consistently. I need to figure out dialog at some point. I don't know if I should work it so hard. Honestly I think it's pitch worthy right now. My next steps are to talk to a few people about it and see how it comes across. I want to talk to some of my previous instructors from school.
I have a feeling that if I pitch it, it can only get better. If it's good enough, we'll see it, and if it needs work I'll get the help to get it there. I'm excite.

My relationships have been interesting. I'm trying to build friendships and I recently decided to try to date again. It's a fucking nightmare. I became close friends with a few females and they've been helping me build confidence to get back on the horse.
I still have low self esteem so it's hard to break the ice with people but once they accept me initially it's fun to talk and explore like that.
I have been working on being more of a better friend as well. Just being there for my friends that have stuck through it all so far. I've been working hard on my emotional side and trying to find that hope to be happy. I desire to be happy. I want to fight the depression without the use of medication. I have a solid idea of how to get there. I just have to visualize and execute. Start, and the rest will fall into place. Take the first step. All the best things are on the other side of fear. I have to just try.

Well. I guess this is where I talk about what's on the plate for me and kind of set an expectation.
Jon and I are working on that Tribal Kid story. He's been working on it at his own pace, so when there isn't anything else super pressing to do. We have a large monster design and some stuff with the boy that we like. Once we knock that out we can move on to developing the tribe and the environment. So baby steps. It's exciting to watch this grow. I feel like I could be a good idea person with some of these pitches I've been working on.
I have still been thinking a lot about the Robots VS Zombies game. The tactic style game that has two scientist fighting saying that their creations are the better one. You get to pick, robot or zombie and then the story goes on raising your choice to victory vs the opposing one.
I'm going to talk to a few people about my Oliver & Monsterbutt story and see how that goes.
Good luck and until next time.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

I am very tired of this cyclical existance.

Ebbs. Flows.
Ups. Downs.
In. Out.
Here. There.
Peaks. Valleys.


Going up, feeling high. Realizing reality, dropping down.
Feeling immense love. Being dejected and alone.
Having someone there and now having nothing.
Everything going around in this circle down the dark drain. It speeds up as we get closer. Accelerating to an unbelievable speed. We spin clinging on to our past selves.
Holding on to what was once there as if it were anything to us now. Moving along. Scrambling around. Lying. Crying. Yelling. Wishing. Hoping. Couldn't things be different?
I'm 32. And my life feels almost exactly like it did when I was 20.
I was forced into a situation where I had to work a job that paid well but sucked. I had just be thrust out of a position I planned on having for a long time. I was assistant manager at GameStop. I had worked really hard to obtain that position. I was the highest paid ASM in the district. I was kicking butt. But, since I was vocal about a thief in the store things turned south quickly. He found ways to taint the view of me and eventually what I said or did no longer mattered. It was accepted as truth.
I had to accept my fate quickly. I had minor responsibilities at the time, especially compared to now. I was a young man, with all this hope and the picture I saw myself in was a simple one.
I was hoping that one day I would be a manager of a store, going to conventions and doing cool meetings. Finding product for the store, building displays and being awesome to my regulars.
It was dashed by a simple mistake blown out of proportion. I know rules are in place to help keep the structure upheld. But I ended up getting an extreme punishment for a minor infraction.
I cried in my car that day. I was dressed in blue. I had a blue button up and blue slacks. Black dress shoes. My face red, eyes swollen as I left the building. I couldn't believe it. I apologized to my store manager for letting him down, but I never acknowledged I let myself down.
I had to find something to make ends meet. So I found out working for a call center would be lucrative. Good pay, decent hours, lots of people, long training period. Seems good. And it was, for a while. I had made a lot of friends. I was social. I turned 21 and was out drinking a lot. Getting to know lots of awesome people and being with women that broke my heart. But the line of work depressed me. Being yelled at by the people I worked for and being yelled at on the phone as part of the job took its toll on me. I became depressed and I disassociated a lot. I escaped into the realm of World of Warcraft. Not responding to my friends anymore. Not wanting to do anything at all. I lived alone, despite having my cats I was pretty much a lonely person. I didn't have the energy to put forth into anything meaningful. My cat got sick and it just really sucked. I felt like it was all my fault. I later learned it wasn't but still it weighs heavily on me to this day. I did all this stuff over the course of years. Trying to make my house my own. Buying a car. Trying to lead a good, straight life. Narrow, and honest. Relationships just falling apart every which way. Unable to be true to myself. No one really loving me the way I needed.
I felt like I had enough. Much like where I'm at right now. A big circle.
I feel like since then though, lots of cool stuff has happened. I mean, you can just see it through reading my blog. The ups and downs. The heres and theres.
But I feel like I'm destined to walk down that path again. And this time I don't know if I have that fight in me like I did then. Does my life suck that bad?
Yes. It does. Loneliness kills me. It hurts me so bad that I don't even know what to do anymore.
Every time and every way I try to make a connection I just feel like I'm desperate. I'm gushing out so much that it shoves people away so hard. It truly hurts even more.
Why can't I just be normal. Why don't people like me back. Why do I fucking try so hard? I think that's the place that hurts too. Trying. I try a lot. And I try with my whole heart.
Don't I deserve to be happy too? Is it jealousy of other peoples success?
What is so wrong with me that I don't get these basic things as well?
To contrast my life from then and now, things are OK.
My job lets me survive. I am able to live with the basic life needs. I have a roof over my head, but the place I live is a fucking dump. My landlord honestly couldn't care less if it burned down.
I have a car, and I'm able to afford gas to do the things I need, as well as I am able to afford to pay for it through the bank and have nice insurance.
I can take care of my cat. He has litter, food, snacks and toys! He's got it pretty good despite having to be in that shitty living space with me, but we make it work.
I have been disassociating a lot recently.
I got really sick earlier this year. I hadn't ever been that sick before, and recently I pinched my sciatica nerve so I'm dealing with that.
It just reminds me of then. I had things lined up and it was feeling good but then it came crashing down.
How did I survive? Why did I survive. That's not a question, that is a solid fucking statement. WHY?
What good did trying do? What good was hanging on, just to end up feeling almost the same way again?
It would suck immediately if I were to just disappear. The things around me would be effected, but then as time went on it would be like I was never there.
That's how I feel right now. Even though I am here, it's like I'm not fucking here. No one gives a shit.
Sure, there are arguments that defy my statement but that's just that. Who am I to you so much so that I fucking matter to you?
If I really mattered to you wouldn't you have tried harder?
Hindsight is a bitch with the would have and could have.
I truly do not understand how people make it to old age.
It's like, why do you go through it day in and day out? It only gets worse. I think they do because there are people in their life that are active in making them feel valued.
I have done poorly surrounding myself with people who care because of how I am. Is it my appearance? Is it my energy? Is it that gushing shit of desperation? What ever it is it seems it's my own doing.
Is it my personal view of myself seeping out onto others?
I know others see things in me that I do not.
I feel repulsive and disgusting. I feel overbearing and broken.
Maybe admitting this stuff and talking about it will make me feel better.
Am I scared that things will just end up like they did years ago? Sure. It's irrational. Because things are different this time around.
As you spiral down the drain, and as you get closer to the void sucking you down, more items condense down and you are able to cling onto more crap around you. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to pull onto and drag down to my level in hopes that I can lift myself up further away.
I feel so fucking pathetic. No wonder I am alone.
It's unfair to pin anything on you. It's my life and it's my choice how I feel about it.
I have things I need to work out, obviously. It's me that needs to take action on being more "there" it's me in the long run.

Things I am working on at the moment:
I am still writing my story. I am getting together a character thing where I have all my characters broken down and their motives.
I am writing a 3 part intro to the show to give it a nice clear start where it shows reality and Oliver's dissociation.
I am playing video games like the usual. I've been working a lot while injured so I'm having a rough time being motivated on things outside of just survival.
I am currently trying to pay down bills and my credit card debt. Once I get on top of things I might be feeling better emotionally.
I have been trying to work on my conversation skills with people so I've been talking to people I do not know. I reached out to a lot of random people on Facebook and I have been talking to people in the break room at work.
I have been stretching and psyching myself up for making a change in my lifestyle that involves being more active. With my recent back injury I need to be more kind to myself. I have been overweight most of my adult life so it's time to get that in check. No better time to start then as soon as I can.

On the HORIZON: 
I am wanting to work on old ideas. I still want to make a video game pretty bad and I wanted to work on the Robots vs Zombies game. I want to make a new series of designs to feel relevant again. I really want to make new designs for RedBubble. Things have been getting pretty strict lately with content and what not, despite things used in parody. So I think that's something that's kept me from doing anything recently. I want to finish this cartoon idea and see about pitching it to studios to see if there's appeal to it all, do I really have it?

Friday, September 28, 2018

Been a little bit but damn life has been weird.

Hello reader. Greetings. Hope all is well.
I truly have been thinking about you and wishing you well.
I currently am going through some hardships. What else is new though?
Life isn't designed to be easy, and if it was, it's not easy for me!
It's definitely been an interesting few months.

Life after Zia Records. 
Honestly a lot better than I thought. Despite the challenges I put myself through to get here.
It's nice to be recognized for my talents and experience. My attitude has taken a huge 180.
I am able to approach my work with a sense of worth and pride. I mean I think one thing that helps me is maintaining a professional appearance and attitude. I feel like I am held to a standard that was not set at other jobs.
It's nice to be able to work without having to worry about attitudes and peoples shitty negativity. I have been able to separate myself from the ones who do that here easily. They are few and far between which is really nice.
My only issues with the job was how the company handled the training for the client. It was a piss poor shit show involving a lot of outbursts that are just downright unacceptable in my opinion.
The fact that some of these people made it out and onto the production floor is a shock to me, but I know in the long run they will be weeded out thanks to strong policy enforcement. I take comfort in knowing that. I keep my head down and always approach each call with the mentality of "How would I handle this if I were in their shoes?" And this has worked wonders for empathy and problem solving. Which helps me in my real life. I realized I needed to start thinking about things in my life with that manor of attitude. I need to approach things I love and care about with those thoughts.

I have been writing a lot. I am writing this story for a cartoon and it's been really hard for me.
I'm trying to create something with value and interest. The story gets cool and I'm excited to write for it and then I get this fucking imposter syndrome where all I see is other things that exist already. I beat myself up over it for a while then I get back to writing and rewriting things to make it my own.

Oliver & Monster Butt
I'll give you the premise. Actually if you've been reading for a while you already know what's up.
A boy uses video games to escape his real life. This game he gets is a fantasy RPG.
The show basically begins as he's plugging the game in for the first time.
In the game he meets a monster as the land gets attacked by a new army of spirit warriors.
They team up and feel the need to save the kingdom. The game pulls from fantasy video games and others that are popular. We have parody references to Mario, Sonic, and other pop culture icons.
I haven't quite figured out how to incorporate the real world into the story but so far I've been focusing on the threads of the characters and their interactions throughout the story.
I think the characters I developed so far are real/ly cool and they pull from people Oliver knows in real life. Friends from school basically, he relates these people to characters in the game who end up helping, or hindering him along the way.
It all boils down to a boy and his monster help to restore order to the kingdom after an evil army moves in to take over. The evil army of the game is trying to glitch everything so it has to reset. A rebirth but with the glitches they will be the dominating kingdom instead, plunging it into ruin and chaos.
Oliver learns about himself and gathers items that help build courage to stand up to those who are abusing the kingdom. He is able to make friends and learns what it is to have a crush on someone.
He mirrors things in the game and relates them to real life situations. He becomes friends with a silent boy at school who actually is a bright and open boy, just awkward because of his trauma of losing his family. A girl at school develops a crush on him and that reflects in the game.
The characters found in the game help him develop the relationships in real life.
Thanks to the game, characters and the interactions he is able to stand up for himself and fight back against his real life abuser. He builds self confidence and a sense of worth through the trails of the game and everything he went through.
So far there's about 8 solid episodes that lead up to a fighting tournament that makes fun of Mortal Kombat.
The story ends with everyone coming together and using their strengths to defeat this evil leader who's strong as all heck. The Usurper is a sickness that is extremely hard to fight and after a near loss the band of 4 figure out how to overpower him and succeed in saving the land. Of course right? Things have to be good at the end. But this isn't the end. There are so many other genres of games that Oliver and Monster Butt can go through and this is what is exciting to me. I basically just need to focus on getting this first set of story arcs done and then this could be just season one of a four part series, where they go through 4 different game types. I love the idea of Oliver and Monster Butt doing stuff out in real life as well. I mean Monster Butt is his imaginary friend so they can do what ever, when ever, how ever!
Anyways. I've geeked out enough with that story, I'll leave some to mystery and imagination. I hope you are at least piqued and curious.

On the horizon
Life for me right now is complicated. I was seeing someone for a little bit. We broke up though. Stress the WAS part. I quit my job and found a new one. I have my car now. I'm doing less art but writing more. I care about my job. I am working on fixing myself up and getting well.
But right now at this moment I am trying to be happy despite the garbage that's going on and I think my attitude is helping me get through this hard part.
It's almost always about money when it comes to problems. And in the next few weeks hopefully things get resolved for me so I can focus on living my best life.
I feel like I'm such a fucking wreck. I don't know how I am able to maintain relationships like this.
What's more, is that people are actually trying to be a part of my life. I find that to be odd just because I don't know what makes me worth it. But I'm looking into that for myself.
I know I say it all the time, but damn I am trying to be good. I'm trying to be best me.
I also just want to put it out there that Tuesday, 9/25/18, I was having the most fucking rough morning I have had in a long time. I woke up with the thoughts of, just fucking kill yourself.
Now yes, it's extremely alarming. And to me I was just laying there fighting with myself. I am not the type to give up. So I'm basically like, fighting back this negative monologue in my brain. At this time I'm on the cusp of a sour relationship with my partner, and work is feeling weird because I'm so new. I have little money because the training class was fucked with scheduling. I got paid $200 less then what I needed so I had to skimp on things, and I thought I had things covered but I missed a bill, costing me an extra 100 on what I already owed. So things were just piling up on me. I had these things I was thinking about with relationships of friends I had just made and my mind was making everything so fucking complicated. My trauma and abuse has me thinking that I can't have platonic female friends because I am hungry for that sense of compassion and friendship but when I get it I mix the signals and think their friendship is flirting with me for something more, so I get all fucked up and weird when I know they don't want me as a boy friend, but as a BOY friend. I can be significant to them without having to be their boyfriend. Jesus my brain is fucked about money and my expectations with myself. Expectations with others. I just have to learn to let go. And with all this going on in my head, the negativity is just like fuck it. End it. You've been trying since 2010. It's not working out. No one loves you. Who even gives a shit. The money is just going to get worse. Shit isn't going to get better.
Holy fuck was it really tough for me. But I persevered through it. When I got to work I typed up on my screen a message to myself to focus on helping out the members, and hopefully through helping them I can help myself. Well, everyone that day, whether it was because the universe smiled upon me or what, treated me with kindness, people on the phone complimented me with big ups on how well I'm doing, how great it was that "I" solved their issues, how significant "I" am to the wheels turning. I got people calling me and texting me just checking in on me and saying what's up and all this stuff without me even asking. It was beautiful. I felt like something was right and it was a critical strike to that negative fucking voice inside me.
Phew. I just had to let that out. I mean. I promised the moon I would work on letting go. I told the moon I would let go of things that hold me back. I need to move forward. I need to be happy.
Here I am. Still trying.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Thursday, August 9th, 2018

I guess I shut everyone out so hard that when I was ready to let people back in, no one cared.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

I'm gonna keep on keepin' on.

I quit my job.
My final day is on the 6th. I'm going to take some time off before I begin my next project with a career.
I feel like the choice I made has potential for growth.
I can't say I settled, but my Plan A didn't work out. Which, usually that's the case.
The job seems nice. I think I am mentally prepared to handle what comes with it.
The nice thing is the money. And then on top of that is the idea that I can grow with the project as it expands. I would love to be in management again. I like to influence people to be better.
So my plan is to kick back and learn the job really well, excel at it then work towards being more.
I say that with in the year I will try to move around in the company. Becoming a trainer, or someone who does the interviews.
I've been re-writing the story. I think where it's at now is really cool because it's less about the real world and it's more about a world of this video game hub.
The character is able to show his true colors and be himself.
Something happens to break the norm of the land, and that's the pilot.
It introduces Oliver and sets up his journey. I need to work in how Monsterbutt comes in to it all.
The introduction is pretty cool. I have been working on trying to figure out a cool way to have the show introduction, so it covers imagery of the land / hub world, Oliver, Monsterbutt and the other things that happen. I mean most shows intros have so much in them that if you were to look at it all every little detail means something in the series.
Keep it simple. Keep it to the point.
Keep it cool and interesting.
I have a brief outline of the things I want to happen, now it's about elaborating on it all and making it awesome.

I think for me emotionally right now I'm pretty broken and stressed out. Scared and just like, shocked that I did all these new things.
I think I'm confused on some things with my personal life and maybe I'm worried about committing to a bad choice because of complicated reasons.
The whole quitting my job thing is breaking everything that I knew and breaking the comfort of my bullshit menial existence. It's making me think about things and like, what is it that makes me happy?
Am I satisfied? Is this good enough? Will it work out for me? Does it matter that much to me?
I'm just a little lost and trying to get grounded. It's like I can feel myself spiraling out a little bit.
Hopefully I can catch onto something before it gets out of control and I spin to the ground and SPLAT.

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

Ope. Meant to post this last week. (It has nothing to do with you)

Hey there reader.
Welcome back. Here's something new for you to gawk at.
I'm 32 and working dead end jobs.
There's no future.
That's why I have been down on myself lately.
I have nothing I'm working towards and the work I'm doing is going towards just maintenance.
It does not move me forward in any aspect.
In finding that out I realize I have to do something that's meaningful to me.
I'd love for my past goals to have worked out. The reality is that they didn't. Either because I didn't try hard enough, there wasn't anything out there for me here, or a combo of both.
I think the fear of stagnating I had years ago has taken hold for sure.
I'm such a creature of routine. There's no real excuse for how things ended up this way.
I think I always just took the easy road.

I've been trying to write for my story and I think I reached a point where I'm a bit turned off by it.
I don't think it's going to make it. Like I need to go beyond what it is and take it a level deeper.
Like, peel back the core of the story and put more of a flair on it that keeps it interesting.

I want to touch on my child abuse and domestic violence.
I want to go on about how the little things helped me keep going.
But I want it to be engaging. I think that I'm just like, too surface level with it.
I have wanted to write a show about a guy and his best friend who's dead but they end up in video games and they have to escape.
I think maybe I can do something with that.
I can combine the two things into one and see how it works out. No work created is wasted work.
It's always another step in the right direction.

Maybe on the surface the story is about a boy who's really good at what he does. He's a master at all these games and in his imagination he's this unstoppable thing, but then something starts creeping into the games and soiling it. And he starts getting whooped. And beat down. And it's always this force that he can't explain.
It starts off small but then it gets really debilitating. Where he's suffering from harsh shit.
Then he finds the monster, which is tough to make a friend out of him at first, but then they have to work together to stop the Evil from taking over.
I think we can ditch the real life shit and the facade of it all and just go into a level deeper.
I keep thinking of Adventure Time and how it's like, there are references to the world we know and accept, and then it smudges over and you have this world they exist in which is just "after" our time.
The references to it, and the darkness of it all, and the shit with the Lich. It's like that level of deep.
That's what I'm thinking about achieving.

Thursday, June 14, 2018

Stuff I'm scared about.

I am truly scared I'm wasting away my life.
I think about my childhood and all the crap I went through to make it.
To make it to this. I motion to myself and my life.
I think the fear is that I haven't done anything that's made me a million bucks.
I haven't done anything that has benefited mankind with a huge impact.
I always think about this when I lay down. I think about how I've followed my heart.
I originally worked hard for money and stacked it up. But that lead me to heartache and disgust with myself and people around me. I worked hard and nothing came of it. The money was spent just trying to keep me distracted from how I felt. Miserable. I drank a lot to mask the pain. It was horrible.
I went to school. I decided I wanted to pursue the things that people have picked up and stood out to them about me. Yes I love art and drawing and being creative. I tried really hard in school to make it work. Which I graduated with honors and in that, I GRADUATED.
Damn.
In those times I struggled. I struggled hard with finding the perseverance to keep trying.
That's what I find most interesting in my life. Perseverance. This little thing inside me telling me to just hold out. You took one step, now take another. Keep moving forward.
I'm scared I'm dying of some crazy disease. Now this is irrational. I'm fine. The doctor told me with a moderately thorough check up in February.
This leads me to my other fear. My mental health.
I'm scared that if I take the time to get on medication that I end up a statistic of suicide.
I hear that when you finally start getting it together with the help of the chemicals you start to feel normal, and then it makes you realize it's hard to keep going because this feeling is only temporary.
The meds only work so long before you have to switch to something else. Or do something else.
I'm scared that if I went to therapy it wont work. Or that I find that I am truly irreparable.
I am a broken individual.
I think I'm letting the past define me. Let me re-think that though because if that was the case I would be a drug addict, running away from my problems and reality with the haze of drugs.
Although, I think I am an addict. Video games are my escape. I really do enjoy not being myself and pretending to be the protagonist.
I do it with film too. I just want so much to be someone worth more.
There's another fear. I am someone who isn't worth the time or effort.
Why don't you look at me? Why is it when we kiss there's no intimacy? Where's the feeling of being complete? How come you wont talk to me? What did I do wrong this time?
It's hard being me. I'm glad that there's only one of me. I know other people are struggling with problems similar or worse than mine but still. I'm glad no one has to feel exactly like I do.
Another fear is that the only reason I have friends is because they feel better about themselves when I'm around. Like I'm a benchmark of "don't do that" or "something not to be" "at least I'm not that bad"
I'm scared I don't make enough money to live the life I need to live to actually live.
How can we exist with these fucking problems involving money? It's hard to believe people are born and they don't have anything so they die. Kids born and starving to death, or parents struggling, like mine did, to keep the flame lit in our hearts to keep going.
I swear I am destined to fail, everything that led up to this point has been a way point marker showing me "to do is to fail" I guess I'm really good at failing because I'm still here doing it.

Sitting in my car the other day I just was like damn. This is all just a means to an end.
You do this so you can keep trying at the things you do love.
Why can't I just commit to something that I do love with all of myself?
How come I have to spend the majority of my day and life doing something I don't like to attempt to do things I do like? It's fucking backwards. You should live life and be nurtured to be the best person you can be.
You tell the truth because it's the right thing to do, but it's not just the right thing to do, it's the best thing to do.
You do a good job because it's the best thing to do.
You work hard, and do it well because it's the best thing to do.
You don't get noticed for it. You just keep the wheels turning. And the world turns.
But if you died, it's OK. The world doesn't stop. Your world does. But THE world doesn't.
You'll be replaced. It always happens. Look at life and the patterns. You're like a season. You shed all this energy and strife. You plant a seed, you grow, it dies, and you get pulled back from it all, only to repeat it.
What am I saying even. Here's the ramblings of a broken man.