Ramblings of a sad man.

I have come back to reality to find myself more fucked up then I remember.
It's why I slip away again and again. I can't seem to face it. I can't seem to make it.
I just want to feel normal. I can't look long enough to make it. How can I keep trying if I can't see that far? I would rather pretend to be something else. I remake myself every day.
I don't even feel like myself anymore. I am a distorted reflection of what I used to be. Using strange pieces of trauma and fear as placeholders, as if to define what I am. 
I was so scared of becoming a withered husk that I didn't see the signs.
My worst fears were realized. As I walk past myself in the mirror. I see an image of the old me. The old me turns away. Sad at what it saw. The image before it, nothing like it expected.
I lay in this floating abyss of depression. Lifeless and weightless. I float over everything. Numb to the sensation of the world spinning.
I let the currents take me. I get swirled up in the panic. I get lethargic in the drab and dull. The happiness feels like a millisecond. A fleeting moment. Like what my dread used to feel like. They have completely changed places. I used to walk through it all, happiness at the forefront. Now it's a drudge through a swamp of dread.
A disgusting trophy is displayed where confidence used to be. That shining triumph is gone. Tarnished into nothing.
I lay there a broken man. Not even feeling like getting up anymore. These bones are too sore to make it. No bandage or salve can repair.
Have I become what I wanted to build, or did I become a pile of disappointment? The things I wanted, stacked up and slumped over. Limp from failure.
The story ended when my world stopped turning. I've tried to jump start it back to health. The batteries are dead. There is no more to pull from. The reserves are spent. I propel forward in the dark abyss. Holding on to the edges of a light left behind.
I can't do it anymore. I no longer wish to try. My hands clasp shut, holding onto nothing. All I can do is let go.

It's only been 4 months into the year and it's been the most challenging year I've ever had.

Hey guys.
If you are interested in reading my final pass at Xen and Teebo click on this link right here!

I have a lot to say this time around so I guess this will just be a dump.

Alright. So today I committed mentally to work towards making myself better.

I have been fighting with my own confidence and my own self worth.
I wanted to do this early January so that way I would have been further along now. But everyday I kept convincing myself tomorrow. Finally today I was just like, NO. Today. I keep putting it off.
I'm currently just hurting. I feel like I've been wounded for so long that I don't even know what hurt me anymore. It's like I keep hurting myself because I can't get past it.

This year has been so hard on me.
I am currently getting garnished and I am losing $400 a month of income. I have personally been struggling to get by. I have been paying my bills so nothing gets past due. I don't want to end up with another agency gaining the ability to garnish me again later. But because of this I haven't had money for food or things like getting a haircut or washing my car. I couldn't afford litter and cat food for Garth. I resorted to starting a GoFundMe asking for help. I poured out my heart asking for help. A lot of people stepped up but a lot of other people gave me their perspective of how I shouldn't ask for help and I should have suffered in silence. How this was my fault and why should anyone else help?
Well, it hurt but I still just kept asking. I really appreciate everyone who has stepped up and helped me get by these last few months.
If you are interested in helping me or at least even reading about my issues you can click right here to check it out.

There are a lot of updates and stuff there so consider helping me out or even just sharing the story. If you can't or wont help, maybe someone else you know can and will. Thank you. 

I personally have been pretty upset with my job. What else is new, huh? If you read back you can always see me complaining about where I'm at.
I just gotta say that when I got this job in September last year I was really happy and hopeful. I really did enjoy my job, so much so that I did manager stuff with no raise. I did manager stuff for free. Because I liked it. Because I felt challenged and useful.
And then they dissolved the project, moving me to a new project. I told them I wasn't interested in moving unless I could be something more on that project as well. They told me that because of all the hard work I did on the original project I would be a great candidate for leadership on the new project.  I transferred reluctantly. I had a feeling that things weren't as honest as it seemed. I had the ability to pick my schedule and stuff so I was happy to hit a morning shift. I'm off mid day and have the rest of the day to get shit done. It's nice being off and home by 2PM. The project itself is a fucking soul suck. It's so hard to be less personable with the people we help over the phone. It's also hard when you get these people who call you for help but then wont listen. It's like, why did you call in the first place then? Haha. It's crazy but anyways, at the end of the day I just keep trying my best. I can't let the job crush my spirit. So I just sit down and focus on doing a good job. I applied to be an assistant team lead, which was what I was doing on the other project. I felt confident in my interview. I gave them short concise answers. I felt like I was a top candidate for the position based on my previous experience so it was natural. I was just not trying to feel arrogant and over confident.
At the same time I applied to be a teacher at a school in the Vail School District.
I felt really good about both being an option. The school declined having me join their team because I didn't quite have the experience but the assistant principal talked to me for 20+ mins about how I should never give up on this path. I agreed with her. I feel like I should be in a position where I can influence people to be better.
So I had at least had the ATL position to fall back on. But at the end of it all I wasn't chosen. I have some harsh opinions on who got picked over me. I feel like if you were on the verge of being fired on the previous project because of reasons, you kind of don't look good. But it's good to see that through the flames something good could rise out of it, so good luck to that person. 

Anyways, now here I am. I gained weight because of stress, then more stress and anxiety due to being garnished and now feeling trapped because I can't move up. I don't have faith in the leadership around me because they aren't invested in seeing me succeed. I feel like I fucked up by choosing the morning shift. At least on the night shift there were people in positions that actually do care about me.
Anyways. I need to change my perspective. I need to focus on what's good. I need to be better to myself and less harsh about my failures and short comings. 

I am currently being vetted for a management program with Geico.  I have been interviewing with them and talking to them weekly for the last few weeks. Once I get my transcripts from the school I think they'll move me forward. So here's hoping that it works out.
If I got the job it would be a big deal, because it sounds like they'll put me to good use, I'll be paid fairly for the work I'm doing and there are raises involved that are awesome. Anyways I'm hopeful that it works out. Even if it doesn't there will be something else that comes up that will be better.
It reminds me of my car shopping. I wanted all these great cars and for what ever reason it just didn't work out. And eventually the perfect thing landed in my lap. I was in the best spot to take advantage of it and it's been awesome ever since. So it's clear that good shit comes around even when the good shit doesn't work out on the first try. 

As far as art goes, here's what's on my mind for the future.
I hope to write another story. Been kicking around a cool idea about a dream world.

I want to do more designs for apparel. I have been slacking. I want to be featured on those sites like TeeFury and Yetee. So that's still something I want to strive for.
I think writing right now is big for me. I think that before I die I want my cool stories to be down somewhere so someone can pick them up and do something more with them later.
I was hoping to get some commissions through the GFM request for money. I would do art in the exchange of money so that way I could survive. But no one has really bitten on that.

I'm hoping to get my life together. I hope today I truly cement myself with good intentions and do my best. I hope that next year at this time I am truly happy. 

Holy shit I can't believe how long I went without posting.

I have done a lot of work and stuff between my last post and here.

I've been struggling a lot IRL financially but I've been making it through with the support of friends and random people on the internet.
If you'd like to help please consider clicking HERE
Thank you. <3

I also have the link to the Zen and Teebo story Most Current Version HERE!

Here's some stuff I worked on for friends. They helped me financially through donating and commissioning me for work.
I did a portrait for a friend who asked. He wanted a muppet version of himself and I felt like I delivered. =)

My friend Angel wanted to do an art trade so she drew something for me and I drew something for her. I drew an android version of herself and I felt like it captured her essence pretty well.
I'm working on something else for her