Doin' Stuff...

First, I have this thing that I like. And it's the image at the top. Samus and Mega Man.
I think they are cool. So I'm putting them on a shirt. There's my rough drawing.
I'm getting to it. It's real.

Second, here's another thing I like. It's progress on my Zinogre T.
I just did some finer details around the horn and mouth. Making it similar to the Deviljho T as much as possible. I'm excited for that design because I feel like it's going to be more popular than the Jho shirt.

Here's to doing things you're more passionate about.
Stay strong out there.

In typing that, it made me want to blog more. I've been trying to live a better life since I graduated school. I've been trying to live a better life because of the crap I grew up with.
It's hard to keep going sometimes. And it's in moments where you're doing stuff you love, that the sit doesn't matter anymore. Finding things you're passionate about and just going at them full force.
I love the comp of that Mega Man / Samus T. I just love it. It looks cool. And it's because I love both of those characters that I invested a lot into the rough. I'm excited to take it further. And this excitement is something I haven't felt in a while. I hope this carries over a lot. I'm hoping to have a good change in mood now. I gotta be positive. I gotta be happy. I've gotta work on these things all together and at once. I can't let the shit get to me and drain me.
It's a long and hard road. I wonder what'll be said about me if I died.

Just... Still here.

Hi. Just catching up with you guys after a much needed break.
I've been thinking about stuff that's cool and important to me.
What's it going to be like for me in the future? What's the purpose I hold deep with-in me to keep moving forward? What's the fucking point? What's worth it?

Lot's of stress on myself lately because I just want to be the best person I can be before I leave this world. I grew up in a shitty environment and I just don't want to perpetuate cycles and keep the shit going on forever. I want to break the cycle and the chain that was cast on me.
I try really hard at my job. I try really hard for the people I care about. I try too much and I expect too much.
These are thoughts I've been processing a lot lately.
I've been taking on a lot of responsibility for shit I don't have to. I was stressing about shit I don't have to. I was doing things that I don't have to. I was doing it because I want people to succeed. I want people to look at me positively. I want to have a good impact on everything around me that I directly care about.

It wasn't working nor was it doing anything that I wanted.

I feel free.

I'm letting go of the shit.
I'm letting go of the whispers behind my back of blatant shit talk.
I'm letting go of giving advice that is falling on deaf ears.
I'm letting go of trying to make sure others succeed when it's obvious they don't care!
I'm going to focus on making sure I do a good job at anything I put my focus on.
I'm making sure I am the best I can be at anything I do, period.

I'm working on things now, slowly, but still doing something.
The stream is going well. I decided to just stream on Tuesdays. Doing it during the week is just really stressful for me. I know people want consistency but I just can't stream all the time like I used to.
My job means a lot to me and if I were to lose it- I'd be fucked.
I don't have the safety of living with anyone rent free / worry free.
I have these responsibilities I chose to have to keep my life simplified.
This job allows me to do the things I like doing- Collect video games, Play games, and Make ART.

The stream is a big time focus for me. I want nothing more in the world then to be a popular video game player online. I want nothing more than an awesome niche on Twitch.tv.
I want nothing more than the ability to hang out with people online who care about me and my opinions. I want to make cartoons with them. I want to make art with them. I want them to support me in these ventures. And I want to be a leader of this cool community on twitch.

I've been doing some art stuff on the side. Nothing too crazy.
Making a Zinogre version of the Deviljho T-shirt I made. He's a bit more popular so I hope to make some money, as selfish as it sounds, off this T-
I was doodling some shit at work, so there's Mario and Luigi, Clunk and Swiggins, and then Mega Man. These are things that kinda just are inside my mind and want to get out in some creative way.
I hope to turn these into successful designs or something.
The Zin piece is going to take some work, much like the Jho one. I don't expect to have it ready / done so quickly. I want it to look awesome.
I can't let anyone down.

I guess I'm just going to blog.

Hmm.. Sitting here for a couple of hours, I couldn't seem to drive myself to do anything. Even with two weeks off there's nothing that was itching to come out of me.
Maybe because I lost that structure of school, I've lost touch with my creativity?
I'm at a loss for a lot of things.
I mean, there are times where I get struck with an idea- but I just can't do anything about it. I'm either working, or something else is going on.
I got my stuff together tonight to do some storyboarding for a cartoon.
I had written a story in college and figured it's enough to start this cartoon. Which, the writing is OK.. But I couldn't seem to get my mental images down on paper while reading it.
It's not that the writing wasn't descriptive. It's just I didn't know what to do.

I looked through my sketchbook, and it's the one I used in senior year, so my stuff was still in there from when I did other cartoons. I just looked at it and it felt foreign, I couldn't understand how I had gone from writing to the storyboards so easily. I've come to the conclusion that it was the deadlines and the pressure that got to me. That has to be the driving factor.. Honestly there's no reason why I can't just sit down and do something that means a lot to me.
I want to do these two cartoon ideas but I think the idea of doing it alone is what's hurting me.
I need to nurture these fucking creative things / feelings. I can't give up on it.

Maybe the more I write about it, the more I'll do something about it.
I wonder if it's a lack of support?

So the idea that I'm working on right now is my story, Oliver and Monster Butt.
It's a story that follows a child who has an imaginary friend who's actually a stuffed toy. The story is about Oliver and the abuse he suffers, and how he deals with it.
Monster Butt is able to help him overcome the overwhelming mental stress by taking him on adventures in a land that is make believe. Monster Butt is the protector of Oliver. His guardian.
They play a lot together, and when Oliver is just being a child his step father takes it too far with punishment. Monster Butt is there to protect him in the imaginary world. So Oliver suffers from a disconnection with the abuse because no child should ever have to suffer for just being a kid.
Gerard, the step-dad, doesn't care either way. Oliver is just a misbehaving boy who can never do anything right. But in all reality, he's an intelligent, bright little kid with a lot of heart.
His mom, Elise, can't really do anything about the situation because she too is being abused by Gerard as well. They are all suffering in their own ways.

The story will go over a lot of situations with Oliver and Monster Butt.
I pull a lot of ideas from the actual abuse and trauma I suffered from when I was a kid.
I think it brings a level of realness to the story that helps me overcome a lot of the issues I had with it.
When I was growing up I held a lot of anger and hatred for what happened to me, but as I got older I realized that these feelings aren't good ones to nurture or take care of. Letting go and accepting it was extremely difficult to me. Writing for this cartoon and actually taking a crack at it helps confront those fears and anxieties created a long time ago. It's been very relieving and stress reducing.
I've grown up with a lot of anxiety and angst. Dealing with it has always resorted to bad thoughts, like I'm not worth it, or I'm just garbage. Because this is how he made us feel. I realized that later in life, I had a lot to offer and that I wasn't fucking useless or garbage. But man it was hard to see these things because of how he treated us. It took my mom 17 years to get away from his abuse, and that meant that in those 17 years we suffered a lot of shit, that wasn't required. I don't blame her for putting use through that. She just thought every child should have a mother and a father.

Anyways, I took a crack at this story and did a small snippet for a college project, the reactions I got from students and faculty were overwhelming. I didn't realize it was such a deep impact.

I'm going to try my hardest to get it going. I tried tonight, but no progress. Here's hoping for a more successful next week.