You can not kill your self. Sorry!

Hello, dear reader!
I am still alive. And no, things haven't gotten better.
Everyday, life is a fucking struggle. smile

Everything you ever want, when you get it, gets destroyed.
It's like a monkey's paw wish.
There's always this weird fucking catch that just really taints it. 

Well here's some shit that happened to me these last few months.
I drew stuff. I got tested for Covid-19. 
I started a community for Monster Hunter on Twitch and it's going OK for now.

I found a lucky quarter. I saved a spider. I finally got my huge bulbasaur plush. I drew some pictures for some friends. I found a dead gopher thing. Made some new 'sona's and I definitely haven't given up on trying to be happy.

 

Today, Right NOW!

I decided today that instead of saying, "I'll do it tomorrow." Or, "I'll get to it later..."

I am going to do it right now.
I installed Unity and I am going to make a game.
I'm just going to do it all.
I will get the base down, then do the art, and get it rolling.
I'm tired of fucking sitting around with all these ideas and not capitalizing on it.
I need to get my stuff out there. I graduated in 2014 with an animation degree and I literally have just mulled around and kicked dirt around. It's time to actually set it up and plant some fucking seeds.

I kind of did it with Xen and Teebo. I wanted to get a movie idea out there and work on something near and dear to me. Get those out there and see what's to come of it. And for the most part I liked the story but I'm just sad that the visual development side came to a halt. 

If you want something done you pretty much have to do it yourself.

I have already made some changes to Xen and Teebo as well. 

I think it's a possible contender for a great indie film and I would love to develop it further into a Pixar style flick.

I joined a weekly food delivery thing. I joined up with Freshly and I am very excited to try it out. 
I spend a lot of money eating out and this will help me with my issues involving overeating. 

I am hopeful it helps with my weight and my lifestyle.
Once the gyms open back up I'll be back at it trying to get my core strength up.  

I have been struggling very hard with a lot of self worth issues. This hasn't changed. 

My brain just doesn't work like a "normal" person.
I know life is what you make of it, so if you're looking for happiness, you'll find it, but if you're looking for bad shit, you'll see it... For sure. 

Change your mind, change your life. 

One thing that's been really bugging me is pretty much things I cannot change or control. 

I know that life has a lot of unchangeable factors...

But you can always choose to be happy, despite the literal dumpster fire that's happening. 

Sarah and I have been together for over a year now. We are currently living together with her Grandmother, who was supposed to be gone. We were asked to house sit, but Covid-19 brought her home early and it's really put a strain on things. 
I feel like we had this expectation of how things were going to work, but then, as life does, it threw a curve ball. We have adjusted and are doing our best with what we got.

I think that somethings are going on that are kind of pushing me away though. I mean, I struggle a lot with myself and I know that I can't rely on anyone to really fix it or make it better so I have to work extra hard on it. I feel like when I let myself get "bad" I might be letting her down in some way. But I always try to be a force of "good" energy. 

She might be suffering from anger issues or something, I don't know. And it's like, I don't know how to talk to her about it or how to deal with it but damn, some days it's really hard. 
The stressed caused from it causes worry, and like, panic in some cases. 
I can't imagine what it would be like if she ever got mad at me because if it's anything like how she acts with work, it's pretty scary. 

I know that over time we learn more about our partners and it's about accepting someone who is imperfect and loving them for it anyways. Acceptance is important and feeling safe with your partner, to fully become and fully realize yourself is big. Plus sharing that with each other, too...
I just feel like, I've left girls for lower level shit and just walked away. Obviously not ghosting them but you know! 

I think attitude is something that has become more of a deal breaker than anything. 
It's impossible to be positive every moment. It's impossible to be happy when things are crumbling down at every turn. You go to build something up and it comes crashing down at the slightest inconvenience. Coping with it, though, is super important. And having a great team mate to make it through those times is important to me. 

Sometimes I feel like we just don't line up. For the most part we do get on very well. But lately there's been a lot of like, "You don't get it." kind of things happening. 

She seems very distant at times and when I finally feel like sharing or being open about things she's ultra distracted by trivial stuff on her phone, or some douche on FaceBook. 
I get home from work and I want to share about my day but it turns into a conversation about her, or something else and I can't even get my side out there. Or if I do, I'm just talking to myself because she's distracted. It's not something I'm happy about sharing. I don't like airing out my drama. But I have to vent out somewhere. I just don't have anyone really to talk to. I'm gonna talk to you. Even if you don't respond. I'm putting it out there, and with that it's at least that, out there. 

I know she loves me, because she says it every 5 seconds. 
I tried playing the song More Than Words to her, to kind of explain how it doesn't really work for me. 
That song really just nails it. I don't need to hear it because in your actions and what you do, you show it. I think she's using it like a band-aid or filler. As if she doesn't know what else to say or do. 

I feel like it's who you surround yourself with. And having people who want to see you be well and succeed really help you propel yourself forward.
That's why I miss college so much.
It reminded me of my favorite time in my life so far. Elementary School.
During this time as a kid developing, I was going through a lot of domestic violence and weird shit. 
I was able to stay after school and be a part of cool programs that kept me from going home.
I had friends where I could spend the night over and be away from the house. 
But more than that, the people I hung out with were just cool, so we were cool! 

College was a lot of that for me too. I didn't have to go home and be "me," I was able to go to school and build myself up to be who I wanted to be. 
I was a blank slate and I was chipping away at turning it into something "worth." 

Since graduation I feel like that slate was shattered. Knowing that my education was 10 years too late for an industry that had so many rapid growths and changes, thanks to technology, that the school was just out of touch. There was no way I was going to get a job right out of school, let alone a damn internship! 

I had to take matters into my own hands and build up stuff I was proud of, with the base of skills they set me off with. Which honestly, no one can take away. I just need to use this better.
I've been dormant for too long. 

This is more of why I just said fuck it. I know there's someone out there on YouTube who posted a tutorial on how to get the basic idea I want to make across. I know I can make some cool ass art to go with it. 
I became really inspired seeing Streets of Rage 4. The 3 studios who got together and got that shit going on really surprised me. The animation and music is all so fucking clean. I was like dayum. 
I decided no more tomorrow. And I think about a friend, Alex, who says NO WASTED DAYS. Even if you do nothing, it's not wasted. 

I've currently been playing a lot of video games to help keep myself distracted from the pile of human shit that I am. 
I loved Last of Us as a whole series and wouldn't mind doing reviews on it. It's polarizing on purpose and I feel like that is OK. 

I finally got around to playing Witcher 3 with it's expansions and with me finishing up the game soon I have to say I now understand why it won Game of the Year 2 years in a row. 

At first I was like, really? This game? But going through it I was like, nodding my head, like when you ask anyone if they wanna play Gwent. 

I pick up and put down Monster Hunter often. With some of the new content out on PS4 I've been getting a little bit more obsessed with it. It's been fun endemic life hunting and getting some of those old achievements. 

I am excited to start up Ghost of Tsushima soon. I have seen some god damn wonderful photos and videos of the game. Keeping away from spoilers and what ever else. But it's gorgeous looking. 

As far as art goes, I made some stuff between here and there. 

https://www.redbubble.com/i/throw-pillow/Southwestern-Synthwave-Sunset-by-ZachyMassacre/52118270.5X2YF

Anyways. Keep an ear out. I'll be posting shit about the game soon, I'm sure. 

June 7th 2020

Hey all. 
Welcome back to my blogspot. 
Hope all has been well since we last crossed paths. 

I decided last night that I would disconnect from social media.
I stepped away from Facebook and Instagram, since they are owned by the same people.

I never check twitter anymore so I have already weened off of that. 
I don't have any other ties to social media platforms. 
So I guess this is where it's at. 

I wanted to write about how stepping away from it is like coming up for air when you've been submerged underwater for a long time. 
I feel like I'm gasping for air. 
I have to get re-centered. I'm feeling really lost. 
I've been doing good with letting go of my "ego" and just trying to live above the worry and stress of "money." 

To be honest though things are still stressful, just in different ways. It's fucking funny how you can't ever really just be happy. There's always something in the god damn way.

I want nothing more than to just be successful at doing something that involves my passions.
I feel so bogged down by everything. Like I'm wearing weights and I cannot remove them. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. I feel numb a lot lately. Not a lot of my personal desires are being met. 
I've often thought about just ghosting. I sometimes just want to disappear. I want to go to sleep for 100 years and wake up in a different time, maybe then I would feel useful, or people would like me, or things would just be better for me. 
When I think like this, I wonder about reincarnation. If I killed myself would I come back as something else. Respawn into something random. Forget what this was like. All the pain and suffering I endured reset to 0. Maybe I'll get turned into a cricket and then someone will step on me. Or I'll be a bird, then get sucked into a plane turbine. 

If I were to disappear, most things would be better off. 
Sometimes I feel like the shit people say. As if I really am as bad as they say.
An irresponsible faggot who plays on the computer all day, shirking their responsibilities for fuck all.
A fat loser, fucking neck beard, fucking white scumbag. A true piece of shit. A boy who runs off with their friends all day, throwing it all to the wind with no thought of anyone else. 

A passive aggressive shit lord who is a worm. Who can't even make their own meaningful decisions. 

These are just moments though. When I feel like I've earned a break, and I am able to sit down and play video games these thoughts come through. Or when I finally get over my anxiety enough to hang out with one of my friends and actually go through with plans to hangout, I begin to hear that shit.

I know I have a lot of cool qualities. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not perfect. My brain sucks and when people say mean shit it's hard for me to let it go.

Since April I've been moved in with my girlfriend, who at the time we hadn't been together a full year yet. I think our relationship was strong enough, at the time, to handle this. The offer was really too good to be true. Take care of her relatives house while she's gone and just pay the utilities. The house will be yours for a while. 
Covid-19 really fucked a lot of shit up for a lot of people. Especially for the one's it's killed. RIP to those who have suffered. RIP to those who will continue to die thanks to continued negligence of most Americans. 

As I get older I just feel like I'm counting down the time until I die. 
I feel like I've peaked. I have already lived my best days. I know that's a bunch of bull but I can't really convince myself otherwise. I look back fondly on middle school. I had a lot of friends. We did cool shit, like play Pokemon, Magic The Gathering, we skateboarded and roller bladed, we stayed up with sleep overs and pizza parties, we learned how to kiss and felt what it was like to touch a boob. Haha.
I always looked back on that fondly, hoping that high school would deliver, but it turns out hormones are fucking weird. And so is domestic violence. And depression... I hadn't felt good until I went to college. Art school was the coolest thing I had done in a long time. It was a great 5ish years. I would love to go back. Especially as a teacher. Maybe GameStop isn't the end of the line for me with a career.
I mean it does pay the bills and I'm pretty good at the job. But maybe I'm supposed to do something different. I've always felt like I should be doing something to help better someone else's life instead of mine. I am supposed to give up my life energy for others. At least most of the time it feels like that. When I help someone really good, it makes me happy. So imagine how good I would feel if I could teach people, or even just get people to be good at art. 

With the way things are going in our country right now it doesn't look good. The future is very bleak. 
We have a fucking pussy as a president. This guy just wants to golf all the damn time and hide in his bunker around the fence he put up, instead of actually doing his damn job. I understand being the leader of the free world is stressful as all fuck but even with the previous shitty presidents we've had they were one million times better than our commander in queef is right now. They were willing to stand up and do the right thing. They were willing to put in the time to say something of value, understanding that what the president says is something that holds weight. This guy just spews out weird shit and nonsensical stuff, it makes me feel like a fucking embarrassed parent, or when you're embarrassed of your siblings for being fucking retards. 

I feel like there's no hope. Covid kind of felt like we were able to pump the breaks a little bit and see the good of not being able to BUY BUY BUY all the damn time. We were able to sit down and really taste the fresh air we are able to breathe. We could sit down and really look at the situation we are in and see some beauty in it. It was nice to see some places of the world returning to a better version of itself. We had stopped deforestation for a brief moment. It felt good. But now look? It's a shit show. I guess it will always be. I mean when isn't something broken. When will we actually be at peace?

My hope is that the super volcanoes erupt. 

I don't want to die in lava but if that's how it's going to end, then hell yeah. Let's get to steppin'. 

In the meantime it's like, what the fuck do I do between being a sad fuck and dying in that lava? 

Damn. It's been too long!

Hello there. Sorry for the long delay.
I have been going through a lot IRL.
I had a rough March and an even more interesting April.

February was pretty chill honestly. Spent a lot of time just working and doing my thing. I have been in a creative slump so not a whole lot was going on.
I believe at that time Sarah gave me an iPad. Which I then got an Apple Pencil and other materials to get drawing on that. It did inspire me to create more.
We were getting together with friends and watching movies, sharing music, and having a good old time together.
As March came upon us the virus outbreak got more severe.
I was working a lot and there was a point where my Store Leader stepped away so I stepped up.
I worked one of the most difficult days in March. The release of DOOM and Animal Crossing was a complete shit show.
It was quite a day and it honestly made me want to quit.
During this pandemic people have just become more and more disgraceful and disrespectful.
I have been talked down on, talked over, cussed at, cursed, and everything else. People are have been so rude and deplorable during this time. And for what? Some luxury goods that are NON ESSENTIAL.
People will argue that video games are essential in this time but I disagree. This is something not required for basic life necessity.
Well, as for the 20th of March. I was gone for two days and I come back into work at 2PM for a closing shift.
As I walk into the store it's a madhouse. It's full of people wanting to sell stuff, pick up their reserves and what not. I look at the counter and my GA- Travis is stressed the fuck out. You can see it in his face and next to him is a man I've never met. He greets me and tells me he's gotta go. And he leaves the store. I'm just standing there like what?
Travis tells me what's going on. The Broadway store was closed. No one showed up to open the store. So we were instructed to take down peoples info and see their pre-orders and then just hand them the game minus what they've paid on the pre-order. We were putting ghost money in the registers. I literally handed people the game without taking any money! I was blown away. We eventually collected the money from Broadway to pay it back but to me this was just weird. At least the guests were taken care of and they got what they wanted, ultimately. We didn't want a worse cluster fuck with not getting people their game on release day.
During the day I handled so many trades, gave out so many Animal Crossing copies and just got stressed the fuck out. People were being rude and entitled to stuff.
Essentially the next few weeks after the 20th was pretty rough. We eventually closed down to Curbside which made me feel better about working during all of this.
During this time I was packing up my house and moving. My girlfriend and I moved into a relatives house while they are gone, to care for the property and her dog, as well as just use the time to get caught up on bills and other things.
Thankfully Sarah was able to work from home, and eventually my store got temporarily closed and I became unemployed.
It's been about two weeks or so. Today we just got news that the store should be re-opened and our Store Leader is taking steps to get that done. But the precautions they are taking are not good enough for me to feel comfortable about coming back.
Most major businesses are requiring people to wear a mask, but since the state says they don't care, GameStop doesn't care either. It's mandated by WHO and the CDC to wear a mask to help prevent the spread, and that's not good enough?
I don't know what to do at this point. I'd like to get back to work but I don't want to put myself at risk of getting sick.
I also just have been working really hard the last year at this job because I take it very serious!
This break has been nice though! Just sucks that we can't go anywhere or actually do anything.

During this time I've played a lot of video games. I got Resident Evil 3 Remake. Beat it in 4 hours. Been watching speedruns. I want to 100% it like I did RE2R.
I've make a cool island on Animal Crossing. Just finding cool villagers and finalizing all the little details of the island. Been breeding flowers and what not. It's been fun.
Got most of the way through Final Fantasy VII Remake. I got stuck on the Bahamut fight and I haven't really touched it to finish it. I'm on the last few chapters. I should just do it just to do it!
I really enjoyed it. Very awesome storytelling but some of the graphics kind of got to me. Lots of poor rendering.
Been playing Monster Hunter since we got a better internet set up. Also been playing Star Wars Battlefront 2 with my bud Jon.

Been watching a lot of Twitch, and I've been streaming a bit.
Things are going OK for now.
Not worried about money, or anything. Just trying to not get sick! 

January.

With this new year I have been trying to take a better mental approach to things.

I realize that I despite my strong will to not kill myself, I have been in other ways. Neglect.
I literally have not been taking very good care of myself. I was really good about being pescatarian, but I haven't been able to do it in a way that made me feel good about what I was eating. I've been so broke with being garnished and all the other financial shit I've been going through that I have to be very thrifty when eating. Granted I suffer a lot so sometimes I splurge on food to reward myself.

Now that a lot of the hard part is done and I am able to breath I am still finding myself struggling with money. I barely make enough to get by. I'm having a hard time even just paying off the debts I accrued while being garnished. I lived off of two credit cards while asking people around me to just be charitable.
I find myself tired of it all. I would love to separate myself from money completely. I have taken steps through the last two years to not be anxious about it. If it doesn't work out then I will figure it out from there.
I do have to say that phrase "I'm just tired of it all" gets repeated pretty often with me.
I am really just tired of "this"
I feel like there is no end in sight. I am just here to suffer and it really fucking sucks. I can't make the best of it despite my efforts. It's hard to be happy and humble when your life is like this.

I can't remember the last time I was proud of myself when it comes to anything other than work.
I think that I am stuck as a cog in this capitalism wheel.
I do feel a lot of good emotions when I do well at work and I think I'm finally at peace with things. I have been working on accepting things as they are and when they arrive, doing the things and moving on. I have been doing a lot of reminders and things in the morning and in bed before I go to sleep.
I wake up and I tell myself I'm going to make it a great day. During the day I hold out and actively seek things that make it good. I do things to make other peoples day better too. Then at the end of the day I tell myself I did the best I could do and try to leave it at that. Tomorrow is another chance to make it.

I look at my stuff in my house and I just want to sell it all. I don't want things anymore. I keep thinking about how it all just fucking sits there, collecting dust!
I need to really simplify my life in all aspects.
I have been kind of minimizing on things already because I want to move and I don't want to haul a bunch of 'shit' around.

So overall I'd have to say that this year has started out leagues better and I am positive and hopeful that things go exceedingly well for me.
I know that with this mentality I will be able to take the baby steps as well as leaps to get there.
Everything starts with a fresh new day, even if you get up at 12pm.

My goals are to really get active. I started the year at 300lbs. I want to be less.
I want to be debt free. I have a lot of consumer debt I need to eliminate.
I want to move into a nicer house or apartment.
I want to stream on Twitch more.
I want to make more art, or attempt to be creative.
I want to just be happy.

This is... Twenty twenty.

There's a trend happening on Instagram. I just jumped in and did it. I dunno.

I drew my Pokemon Sword team as well. We stomped 'em all with 0 defeats. I'm breeding a shiny ghost team. I have 2 out of 6 so far. A shiny Litwick and a shiny Golett. Working on Dreepy, Mimikyu, Honedge, and Sableye. 

Here's a Rathalos piece I did last year. I am working on a new series of them. I have a Deviljho coming out next, when I have enough gusto to get back to it. 

I also finished up this cross over piece when I was playing God of War last year. I really enjoyed the game a whole bunch that I platinum'd it.