Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Finishing up stuff and gettng ready for the next project.

Hey there. What's up?
How are things going?
I'm just getting some stuff done. Feeling good about the work I just produced. Going to focus on stuff for animation hopefully soon.
I'd like to have some work started on my personal cartoon idea.
I've been listening to this band Mystery Skulls.
This one song has just got me feeling all kinds of crazy.
The lyrics really got through to me. It's like the artist knew my struggle too. He was just singing to me. It reminds me of when I first heard Korns self titled album. Or even when I heard Trent Reznor and his voice... They had a grip and a profound effect on me.

I think it's a great thing.

Mystery Skulls - Money

^ There's the link if you want to check it out.

As for the work I just completed, you can see all the products it's on at RedBubble.

Teenage Mute Hero Hylians

There's the .png of the work. Enjoy that.

As for me. Personally. Mentally. Physically.
I just... I'm trying to fight this feeling for someone.
I know she doesn't fucking care about me. But I can't help but feel hopeful there's a chance.
I know deep down inside she likes me...
She's just not willing to work with me. She blames her current issues and things, when I know that when we kissed it was something fucking real.
I haven't felt magical in a while. This girl is my "fuck yes!" This girl makes me want to just explode. My heart.. Just thinking about her...
I think she isn't on the same page but I let her know how I feel.
I did my part.
The situation is like this: I'm Ash, and she's Charizard.
I want to have her on my team at all times, but she just wont listen and ignores me. She's too powerful for me to train properly.
I'm not saying I want to train her and dehumanize her it's just a sweet Pokemon reference. Ash loves Charizard and he always hopes deep down he'll come around, but in the end he knows he has to let him go and do his own thing. This is what I need to do. She'll either come around or not. I can't be hanging on to nothing. So I have to keep moving forward in hopes she'll join me.

So work is going OK once I decided to just leave everything at the door when I enter and leave. It's working out really well. I approach everything with a fresh view every time.
I can't keep giving too huge of a fuck for this job when they wont give a fuck about me. I also just need to keep to myself. I realize I can be a bit overbearing when people talk to me because I'm excited to have friends... Some of the people I work with are fucking cold though...
So I just have to keep things to myself.
Needless today I have 2 weeks of vacation in September, MY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!
Time away will help things out for sure. I can focus on the stream and work on that pretty hard for a couple of days.

Then I have a wedding at the end of Sept. Jon is getting hitched! He asked me to be up there with him!!! I'm fucking stoked. What an honor.
I knew we'd be best friends the day I met him, but I didn't think I was that important to be up there with him on that important day. Reminds me of someone I used to know, but didn't know well enough. I thought that after all the time we spent together I was important to him, I guess not. Glad that's over with though.

The stream, though! Things with the stream are going really well. I have a ton (20 +/-) of regular viewers lately. I've been streaming more consistently and attracting more and more loyal fans. I broke 1000 followers a week or so ago. Things are looking up.
I know one day I'll hit a lucky streak and get partnered!
Here's hoping!

The "taking control" and just doing things to better my life in a positive way is working out really well.
I have been having a lot less anxiety, and worry. Very low stress levels.

I am learning how to live and exist on a level of comfort with what I have, because it's what I've worked and earned. I'm only entitled to what I have because it's what I earned.

You only need 1 HP, the rest is extra.
My favorite though is, the sun shines on a dogs asshole every once and a while.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Taking more steps forward.

Greetings. Hello. Hi.
It's me. Zech.
I'm going to just talk.
Things lately have been interesting, for sure...
I've been kind of taking hold of my depression and working against it.
It seems to be working. I've been clearing the air of the bull shit lately too.
I'm kind of bringing in the stuff I want by making goals and working to achieve them.
What I mean is this:
I'm tired of shit in my life. Like literal garbage.
Purging myself of this has been nice.
I'm working to get shit back on track for me.
It's not easy either. The struggle is definitely real.
My goals lately have been to find a better paying job that I don't mind doing.
It's not that my current job isn't awesome, because it is. It's just that the wage I'm getting doesn't reflect my experience, my passion for the work I do / just the work I do, or anything. It's borderline not worth it.
Plus after hearing that others are getting paid significantly more than me kind of hurts, even after when I got the job I asked if the wage reflects my previous experience. Not to mention I didn't get a raise for taking on more responsibility.
These are concerns of mine that have yet to be addressed even after bringing them up several times with in the last couple of months.

I would post more rantings about stuff here but I'm currently exhausted.

Here's progress of my Hylian shirt.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Salutations. Welcome back.

Hi. It's me. But not the same me. It's the better me. The improved me.
I recently spilled my guts about some internal struggles I was suffering from. Knowing that I put it out there made me feel better. I don't know who's read it, seen it, skimmed it, or anything, but knowing it's just out has made me feel so much more. I FEEL MORE. I know it's a weird sentence. But it gave me a chance to feel normal.

So, get this... With my recent revelation I decided that I am no longer going to use my depression as a crutch. It's not hindering me. It's not some kind of fucking thing that dictates my life. "I" do that. It's my life. Not this heavy weighted cloud. This wet blanket... It's my choice. I let it get a hold of me and it did some damage.
I'm glad I caught it. I just kept thinking about how my mom is.
She's dependent on meds these days. I can't resort to that. I take my mental health upon myself. I am the only change I can make in myself.
Same goes for you too. You can only change if you truly set your mind to it and just fucking do it.

July 13th I told myself I am taking control of things.
I need to make the changes. I need to be the change.
Enough of the- I wish I could or, nah I can't. It's YES. I'm going to try. I'm going to do my damn best to fucking try.

It lit a fire inside me.
I got an idea that I'm running with on this t-shirt.

Here's the rough shit. I'm liking this. I'm working on cleaning up my linework. I'm using pressure sensitivity to the best of my ability.
Also, I have to make sure they all are around the same size. The orange one looks a bit too big IMO.

I like it. I think it'll be good enough to submit to Ript, TFURY or Yetee... We'll see when it's done. Maybe next week or so.

As far as animation goes, I need to work on the things that'll get me a job.
A few lipsyncs would be nice. It can encompass some good character movements and stuff if I plan it right.
I want to start getting my stories down for my guy and his ghost best friend as well as the Oliver and Monsterbutt story.

I'm taking everything one day at a time and not letting good opportunities pass me by.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Pouring out the bottle that is about to explode.

I've just been spending a lot of time inside myself. My mind dojo.
Learning about myself. My limits. My boundaries. What makes me tick. I feel like I've lost myself in some ways.
I can't seem to come to grips with things that are bothering me.
It's like this.. Everyday I know that I am going to die. That day comes closer and closer. Everyday I want to do something with my life. I just can't find out what it is. I'm 29. I'm trying to do the things that I love.
What DO I even love?
What the fuck do I want out of life?
I keep thinking everyday I'm super lucky to be here. Right here. On my bed, with my laptop, internet, not on drugs, with my own spot, solid full time job... And it's like... I could be the exact embodiment of fucked up. My childhood.. Man it was so fucked up. I could have just succumbed to the life and blamed it for my unfortunate situation. People would pity me. They would understand. It would make sense.
And I would have purpose. I could try to come clean, and try to make something of myself. Write a book about how I overcame adversity and the hardships of poverty.
I think about this all the time. I want to write something about how I made it. But what did I make it to? I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT with my life.
Glad I haven't lost the point of what I'm trying to talk about. Sometimes I just rant and it's a jumbled up fucking mess of insanity.

Now, here's what's up. I owe my life to video games. If I didn't have those to escape with I would be insane right now. I would be that guy described above. That might have been the only way for me to handle the stress of my situation.
I've always wanted to do something with video games. I always wished I could be paid to play video games. In this day and age it's so fucking possible. has shown me this. But honestly I don't think I have what it takes to do it.
I went to school to somehow get a foothold in video games. I just thought that I would learn something or be shown something I was good at so I could apply myself wholeheartedly to it. I went to school and learned that I just am not good at anything. I was surrounded by people with natural talent. Raw, pure fucking talent. And I had to work hard. I had to struggle, and fall and fail to get what I got. To graduate with honors. I earned it. I tried so fucking hard to do it.
I tried so fucking hard to keep myself intact from the shit I grew up with too. It gave me the strength to keep going on.
Now where do I find the strength to keep going here. In my pit of bullshit. My shit hole. My fucking busted up $525/mo shit house I pay for in rent, with my full time job for a bit over minimum wage. How do I find the strength to continue to struggle like this ALONE.
I remember when I was dating Sega.. and I was unemployed and she would be upset at me because I was broke all the time. But I could tell we loved each other because we just did what we could. At least when I had her, she made things better because we struggled together.
I'm not saying having a girlfriend or a wife would make anything better. It's stressful being in a relationship.
I don't think I'm cut out to have something or someone close to me.
I can't even keep friends. What's wrong with me? My best friend wouldn't even invite me to his wedding. I have seriously NOTHING but video games. It's the only thing I have. Aside from a massive pile of debt thanks to college.
I'm trying so hard every day. I show up. I do my responsibilities.
I try harder than Markiplier, or Pewdepie. I do it all alone (with the help of a very small few). I do it with passion because I just keep trying. I go to work so I can keep trying. I work very hard everyday so I can keep trying. I WORK FUCKING HARD for NOTHING to keep TRYING everyday.
I need to sort it out. My values. My concerns. My hopes. My dreams. My everything.
I need to fucking just find my life fuel. My inspiration. My muse.
Yes, it sounds selfish as fuck. MY ME MY MEEE MINE MY SHIT
When do I get what I deserve? When does the struggling stop?
I keep thinking about when we were required to blog for class. We had a checklist.
Talk about what you're doing-
Talk about one or two good things that are working-
Talk about two or three things that are not-
Talk about what will be done by the next blog-
Talk about how you will arrive there-
Talk about what's on the horizon-
I like things like this. Because it shows the struggle and the success.
But lately it just feels like fucking struggle after struggle.
I'm just trying to stream every day, like I did before. Taking time away did nothing but hurt- but the thing is, it's hard to find motivation when there's no gain or feeling of success. It's great to watch others succeed but it's bittersweet because I yearn for that success too.
I've been silent about a lot of the things bothering me lately and this just feels like the time to pour it all out.
I live my life in a routine. Some things I do not like in my routine. I fail to change the routine. It results in self loathing. That lingering self hatred. Self doubt.
That, "I can't get out of bed..." feeling.
That, "I'm fucking depressed." feeling.
That, "Heavy feeling of being weighted down by everything I hope to accomplish but wont because I'm too fucking scared." feeling.
I have all the tools to make things better.
I have this excersize plan I could do, to get me back in shape.
I have the ability to get the help I need to make healthier choices in my diet.
I have no support structure. I have no pillar of strength to lean on. I have no help with anything.
When you say "Hi!! How are you!?" and I respond with "Oh, I'm OK." or "I'm fine!" and I smile. I'm fucking lying. I'm so fucking lying so hard. It's a fucking bullshit front because I have to fake it until I make it. That positive mental attitude is what keeps things going.
This gets us back on track to where I started. I need that positive mind to keep going through this hard ass struggle. I haven't had a recharge to this Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) in a very long time.
Basically there's this. Before I went to school I contemplated suicide.
I thought about it everyday for a while.
Here's why.
When I was a kid, my step-dad thought he was teaching me lessons when he was hitting me. He hit me for everything. I had big bruises on my legs and suffered from the mental and verbal abuse from him as well. It was because I was a kid. He hit me because I did things kids do. I was hit repeatedly one time because I was late. I was hit because I came home after dark. I was hit because of anything. The struggles started there. I mean, it taught me lessons, like to be punctual, and to be respectful. But at what cost?
When I was a teen, I had a sweet job. I worked at GameStop. I learned a lot of bad practices at Game Crazy, my previous job, my first serious job. I had a practice that if a customer helped my numbers, which made me look good, I would reward them with a discount. It happened a lot at Game Crazy because I was the only one working and the numbers made our store one of the best in Arizona. It wasn't like I started the conversation off like that or anything. It's just something I did to keep customer rapport very high. I left the company because after two years of working there they only gave me a .05c raise. Now that, to me, is a slap in the face. I had a lot of self confidence because I knew I was a solid worker. I did well with numbers, and I have damn good customer service skills. I took this to Game Stop who said that they need more people like this. They gave me a great starting pay and eventually I made it to assistant manager. This happened quickly and I didn't have to use any of my bad practices. But one day I made a mistake and gave a friend a discount which got me in trouble. I lost my career idea. I was hoping that one day I would be manager or something. I shit on that idea. My own doing. So I had to find other work. AZ has a weird timezone thing and it made call centers super popular here. So naturally I went there. This is where shit gets bad for me. Call centers are fucking hell. They are soul draining.  This is the only work I did for many years. Hearing about how shit I was from both the people I was trying to help and from the managers. The constant "You're fucking up everything" barrage from both sides. There was nothing that was positive.
I got shit on from both angles, with the idea that the money was worth it. It made me depressed. It reminded me of when I was a kid. Suffering abuse from my step-dad. I was worthless. I was garbage. I was a little fucking kid who could never do anything right. Now I'm not a kid. I'm a grown man with the same shit. Garbage. Worthless... I started developing a weight problem. I thought women would like me because I had money, and I flaunted it. But it got me no where. To this day, I have nothing to show for it except for this internal mental struggle that I am worth something.
I did this work all around town. Trying to just find a place to be. Where can I fit in without the struggle of getting shit on by managers and customers? Where will I be appreciated like I was a Game Crazy? Why can't all jobs be understanding of their workers?
I got a job at this place, GC Services. I started learning about how to do student loan collections. I felt like I was making a difference.
I was well liked by people when I started.
I had experience with dealing with every type of customer and did a damn good job. But the struggle was real. My relationships were failing because of my issues. Which added to the stress of my job. Which made managers talk down to me, which made the job harder. I was basically at a breaking point.
There was nothing I could to to make myself happy. To make my bosses happy. To make the customers happy. I spent my time at my desk trying very hard to make things work.
I started feeling even more worthless.
My life has no meaning. If this is what it is to be an adult, then this is fucking bullshit. This isn't what life is all about. This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. But if I quit, then what? I'm fucked.
There's nothing I can do. I have to keep struggling. This is the cycle I was in. I decided to take my vacation. I went out to visit my aunt and uncle in California for a week or so.
There I was just thinking about everything. Where do I want to go with my life. What am I good at? I felt useless. I felt like, if I went back I would rather be dead. So I sat on the beach. Looking into the ocean. I was just thinking about drowning myself. Or just swimming out as far as I could and just letting myself go, getting tired and just drowning. Maybe I'll just do something else, wreck my car or something. I don't know...
Now that I'm writing about it, it sounds pathetic.
But honestly I was just like fuck this shit.
My aunt and uncle really helped me find somethings missing in myself. Spending that time away and just relaxing, surrounded by people who loved me and genuinely meant it, was amazing.
This is something I do not have today.
But this is what helped me decide to do something I'm passionate about.
So it was school. It was art. It was the only thing I did at my jobs that I liked. I drew at my desk all the time. It was one thing I really liked doing, aside from playing video games.
It was the idea of structure, discipline, mentors, peers... Everything got me feeling better about myself...
And then I realized I might make it. I might have something.
I continued with the idea that I would be something, in order to find out I'm one of the many struggling to get a job in something that's over saturated.
I'm doing that with my stream on twitch as well. I'm trying to do what everyone is doing. And I'm not fucking good at it. So I struggle.
And it keeps reinforcing those ideas that I'm worthless. I'm garbage. What's the point?
So the internal struggle every day is just that. A fucking struggle.
I'm trying so hard to just be something good- Something cool. Something worth it.

I am nothing.

I keep thinking about this- I'm going to die. I will be nothing then, so what's the point? Why struggle?
I keep waking up everyday in hopes that something will change but I don't change my routine. I am broken. I am nothing.

But it's like this, why kill myself? It's stupid. Selfish...
I am nothing.
What's the point anymore?