I've just been spending a lot of time inside myself. My mind dojo.
Learning about myself. My limits. My boundaries. What makes me tick. I feel like I've lost myself in some ways.
I can't seem to come to grips with things that are bothering me.
It's like this.. Everyday I know that I am going to die. That day comes closer and closer. Everyday I want to do something with my life. I just can't find out what it is. I'm 29. I'm trying to do the things that I love.
What DO I even love?
What the fuck do I want out of life?
I keep thinking everyday I'm super lucky to be here. Right here. On my bed, with my laptop, internet, not on drugs, with my own spot, solid full time job... And it's like... I could be the exact embodiment of fucked up. My childhood.. Man it was so fucked up. I could have just succumbed to the life and blamed it for my unfortunate situation. People would pity me. They would understand. It would make sense.
And I would have purpose. I could try to come clean, and try to make something of myself. Write a book about how I overcame adversity and the hardships of poverty.
I think about this all the time. I want to write something about how I made it. But what did I make it to? I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT with my life.
Glad I haven't lost the point of what I'm trying to talk about. Sometimes I just rant and it's a jumbled up fucking mess of insanity.
Now, here's what's up. I owe my life to video games. If I didn't have those to escape with I would be insane right now. I would be that guy described above. That might have been the only way for me to handle the stress of my situation.
I've always wanted to do something with video games. I always wished I could be paid to play video games. In this day and age it's so fucking possible. Twitch.tv has shown me this. But honestly I don't think I have what it takes to do it.
I went to school to somehow get a foothold in video games. I just thought that I would learn something or be shown something I was good at so I could apply myself wholeheartedly to it. I went to school and learned that I just am not good at anything. I was surrounded by people with natural talent. Raw, pure fucking talent. And I had to work hard. I had to struggle, and fall and fail to get what I got. To graduate with honors. I earned it. I tried so fucking hard to do it.
I tried so fucking hard to keep myself intact from the shit I grew up with too. It gave me the strength to keep going on.
Now where do I find the strength to keep going here. In my pit of bullshit. My shit hole. My fucking busted up $525/mo shit house I pay for in rent, with my full time job for a bit over minimum wage. How do I find the strength to continue to struggle like this ALONE.
I remember when I was dating Sega.. and I was unemployed and she would be upset at me because I was broke all the time. But I could tell we loved each other because we just did what we could. At least when I had her, she made things better because we struggled together.
I'm not saying having a girlfriend or a wife would make anything better. It's stressful being in a relationship.
I don't think I'm cut out to have something or someone close to me.
I can't even keep friends. What's wrong with me? My best friend wouldn't even invite me to his wedding. I have seriously NOTHING but video games. It's the only thing I have. Aside from a massive pile of debt thanks to college.
I'm trying so hard every day. I show up. I do my responsibilities.
I try harder than Markiplier, or Pewdepie. I do it all alone (with the help of a very small few). I do it with passion because I just keep trying. I go to work so I can keep trying. I work very hard everyday so I can keep trying. I WORK FUCKING HARD for NOTHING to keep TRYING everyday.
I need to sort it out. My values. My concerns. My hopes. My dreams. My everything.
I need to fucking just find my life fuel. My inspiration. My muse.
Yes, it sounds selfish as fuck. MY ME MY MEEE MINE MY SHIT
When do I get what I deserve? When does the struggling stop?
I keep thinking about when we were required to blog for class. We had a checklist.
Talk about what you're doing-
Talk about one or two good things that are working-
Talk about two or three things that are not-
Talk about what will be done by the next blog-
Talk about how you will arrive there-
Talk about what's on the horizon-
I like things like this. Because it shows the struggle and the success.
But lately it just feels like fucking struggle after struggle.
I'm just trying to stream every day, like I did before. Taking time away did nothing but hurt- but the thing is, it's hard to find motivation when there's no gain or feeling of success. It's great to watch others succeed but it's bittersweet because I yearn for that success too.
I've been silent about a lot of the things bothering me lately and this just feels like the time to pour it all out.
I live my life in a routine. Some things I do not like in my routine. I fail to change the routine. It results in self loathing. That lingering self hatred. Self doubt.
That, "I can't get out of bed..." feeling.
That, "I'm fucking depressed." feeling.
That, "Heavy feeling of being weighted down by everything I hope to accomplish but wont because I'm too fucking scared." feeling.
I have all the tools to make things better.
I have this excersize plan I could do, to get me back in shape.
I have the ability to get the help I need to make healthier choices in my diet.
I have no support structure. I have no pillar of strength to lean on. I have no help with anything.
When you say "Hi!! How are you!?" and I respond with "Oh, I'm OK." or "I'm fine!" and I smile. I'm fucking lying. I'm so fucking lying so hard. It's a fucking bullshit front because I have to fake it until I make it. That positive mental attitude is what keeps things going.
This gets us back on track to where I started. I need that positive mind to keep going through this hard ass struggle. I haven't had a recharge to this Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) in a very long time.
Basically there's this. Before I went to school I contemplated suicide.
I thought about it everyday for a while.
Here's why.
When I was a kid, my step-dad thought he was teaching me lessons when he was hitting me. He hit me for everything. I had big bruises on my legs and suffered from the mental and verbal abuse from him as well. It was because I was a kid. He hit me because I did things kids do. I was hit repeatedly one time because I was late. I was hit because I came home after dark. I was hit because of anything. The struggles started there. I mean, it taught me lessons, like to be punctual, and to be respectful. But at what cost?
When I was a teen, I had a sweet job. I worked at GameStop. I learned a lot of bad practices at Game Crazy, my previous job, my first serious job. I had a practice that if a customer helped my numbers, which made me look good, I would reward them with a discount. It happened a lot at Game Crazy because I was the only one working and the numbers made our store one of the best in Arizona. It wasn't like I started the conversation off like that or anything. It's just something I did to keep customer rapport very high. I left the company because after two years of working there they only gave me a .05c raise. Now that, to me, is a slap in the face. I had a lot of self confidence because I knew I was a solid worker. I did well with numbers, and I have damn good customer service skills. I took this to Game Stop who said that they need more people like this. They gave me a great starting pay and eventually I made it to assistant manager. This happened quickly and I didn't have to use any of my bad practices. But one day I made a mistake and gave a friend a discount which got me in trouble. I lost my career idea. I was hoping that one day I would be manager or something. I shit on that idea. My own doing. So I had to find other work. AZ has a weird timezone thing and it made call centers super popular here. So naturally I went there. This is where shit gets bad for me. Call centers are fucking hell. They are soul draining. This is the only work I did for many years. Hearing about how shit I was from both the people I was trying to help and from the managers. The constant "You're fucking up everything" barrage from both sides. There was nothing that was positive.
I got shit on from both angles, with the idea that the money was worth it. It made me depressed. It reminded me of when I was a kid. Suffering abuse from my step-dad. I was worthless. I was garbage. I was a little fucking kid who could never do anything right. Now I'm not a kid. I'm a grown man with the same shit. Garbage. Worthless... I started developing a weight problem. I thought women would like me because I had money, and I flaunted it. But it got me no where. To this day, I have nothing to show for it except for this internal mental struggle that I am worth something.
I did this work all around town. Trying to just find a place to be. Where can I fit in without the struggle of getting shit on by managers and customers? Where will I be appreciated like I was a Game Crazy? Why can't all jobs be understanding of their workers?
I got a job at this place, GC Services. I started learning about how to do student loan collections. I felt like I was making a difference.
I was well liked by people when I started.
I had experience with dealing with every type of customer and did a damn good job. But the struggle was real. My relationships were failing because of my issues. Which added to the stress of my job. Which made managers talk down to me, which made the job harder. I was basically at a breaking point.
There was nothing I could to to make myself happy. To make my bosses happy. To make the customers happy. I spent my time at my desk trying very hard to make things work.
I started feeling even more worthless.
My life has no meaning. If this is what it is to be an adult, then this is fucking bullshit. This isn't what life is all about. This isn't what I'm supposed to be doing. But if I quit, then what? I'm fucked.
There's nothing I can do. I have to keep struggling. This is the cycle I was in. I decided to take my vacation. I went out to visit my aunt and uncle in California for a week or so.
There I was just thinking about everything. Where do I want to go with my life. What am I good at? I felt useless. I felt like, if I went back I would rather be dead. So I sat on the beach. Looking into the ocean. I was just thinking about drowning myself. Or just swimming out as far as I could and just letting myself go, getting tired and just drowning. Maybe I'll just do something else, wreck my car or something. I don't know...
Now that I'm writing about it, it sounds pathetic.
But honestly I was just like fuck this shit.
My aunt and uncle really helped me find somethings missing in myself. Spending that time away and just relaxing, surrounded by people who loved me and genuinely meant it, was amazing.
This is something I do not have today.
But this is what helped me decide to do something I'm passionate about.
So it was school. It was art. It was the only thing I did at my jobs that I liked. I drew at my desk all the time. It was one thing I really liked doing, aside from playing video games.
It was the idea of structure, discipline, mentors, peers... Everything got me feeling better about myself...
And then I realized I might make it. I might have something.
I continued with the idea that I would be something, in order to find out I'm one of the many struggling to get a job in something that's over saturated.
I'm doing that with my stream on twitch as well. I'm trying to do what everyone is doing. And I'm not fucking good at it. So I struggle.
And it keeps reinforcing those ideas that I'm worthless. I'm garbage. What's the point?
So the internal struggle every day is just that. A fucking struggle.
I'm trying so hard to just be something good- Something cool. Something worth it.
I am nothing.
I keep thinking about this- I'm going to die. I will be nothing then, so what's the point? Why struggle?
I keep waking up everyday in hopes that something will change but I don't change my routine. I am broken. I am nothing.
But it's like this, why kill myself? It's stupid. Selfish...
I am nothing.
What's the point anymore?
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