Sunday, June 4, 2017

I hold the fire. I fight the good fight. I'm a good guy.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to me at all.
I was always told to follow my dreams and do what's right in my heart.
But after years of trying to do what speaks to me on all the different levels I still don't get anywhere with it.
I had a dream years ago when I started streaming on Twitch, that I would eventually have a support structure in place where I could stream and this would be my full time job.
I would create content via playing games and streaming my artistic endeavors.
I thought that in college that I was going to find my niche or my groove and just keep riding the wave.
It just turns out that in my senior year of college it was obvious the education I received was questionable and for a fact it did not prepare me for the work force in the animation world today.
I learned a lot about myself in college, and through out all of my hardships in life.
I learned that I have a strong sense of work ethic. I do not give up easily.
I follow my gut instincts and I always try to do what's right.
After 4 years or so streaming on Twitch and my whole life drawing and making art, it's hard to accept failure.
I learned that when you feel like giving up is when you should push harder because you're on the brink of a break through, BUT, I've been at this point several times in the past.
I always just want to keep trying and never give up, because of the "HOPE" that it will finally be my day.
I've accepted the fact that I am not the greatest artist, or the greatest person alive.
I understand that success isn't owed to me. I get it. I know long hours, tears, blood, life force, EVERYTHING goes into getting there.
Maybe I'm not putting in everything, doing everything, giving everything, and that's why I haven't made it.
Honestly... I want it. I want a comfortable life where I don't have to worry anymore.
I'm tired of worrying. I've been worrying about money and shit since I was 10.
Another part of that dream was just being able to support myself making art. Doing the whole content creation and being able to do conventions network, then show people, grow, rinse repeat.
It's like it would have been self sustaining if it all worked out.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?
What did I do, or say?
What the hell?