Today, Right NOW!

I decided today that instead of saying, "I'll do it tomorrow." Or, "I'll get to it later..."

I am going to do it right now.
I installed Unity and I am going to make a game.
I'm just going to do it all.
I will get the base down, then do the art, and get it rolling.
I'm tired of fucking sitting around with all these ideas and not capitalizing on it.
I need to get my stuff out there. I graduated in 2014 with an animation degree and I literally have just mulled around and kicked dirt around. It's time to actually set it up and plant some fucking seeds.

I kind of did it with Xen and Teebo. I wanted to get a movie idea out there and work on something near and dear to me. Get those out there and see what's to come of it. And for the most part I liked the story but I'm just sad that the visual development side came to a halt. 

If you want something done you pretty much have to do it yourself.

I have already made some changes to Xen and Teebo as well. 

I think it's a possible contender for a great indie film and I would love to develop it further into a Pixar style flick.

I joined a weekly food delivery thing. I joined up with Freshly and I am very excited to try it out. 
I spend a lot of money eating out and this will help me with my issues involving overeating. 

I am hopeful it helps with my weight and my lifestyle.
Once the gyms open back up I'll be back at it trying to get my core strength up.  

I have been struggling very hard with a lot of self worth issues. This hasn't changed. 

My brain just doesn't work like a "normal" person.
I know life is what you make of it, so if you're looking for happiness, you'll find it, but if you're looking for bad shit, you'll see it... For sure. 

Change your mind, change your life. 

One thing that's been really bugging me is pretty much things I cannot change or control. 

I know that life has a lot of unchangeable factors...

But you can always choose to be happy, despite the literal dumpster fire that's happening. 

Sarah and I have been together for over a year now. We are currently living together with her Grandmother, who was supposed to be gone. We were asked to house sit, but Covid-19 brought her home early and it's really put a strain on things. 
I feel like we had this expectation of how things were going to work, but then, as life does, it threw a curve ball. We have adjusted and are doing our best with what we got.

I think that somethings are going on that are kind of pushing me away though. I mean, I struggle a lot with myself and I know that I can't rely on anyone to really fix it or make it better so I have to work extra hard on it. I feel like when I let myself get "bad" I might be letting her down in some way. But I always try to be a force of "good" energy. 

She might be suffering from anger issues or something, I don't know. And it's like, I don't know how to talk to her about it or how to deal with it but damn, some days it's really hard. 
The stressed caused from it causes worry, and like, panic in some cases. 
I can't imagine what it would be like if she ever got mad at me because if it's anything like how she acts with work, it's pretty scary. 

I know that over time we learn more about our partners and it's about accepting someone who is imperfect and loving them for it anyways. Acceptance is important and feeling safe with your partner, to fully become and fully realize yourself is big. Plus sharing that with each other, too...
I just feel like, I've left girls for lower level shit and just walked away. Obviously not ghosting them but you know! 

I think attitude is something that has become more of a deal breaker than anything. 
It's impossible to be positive every moment. It's impossible to be happy when things are crumbling down at every turn. You go to build something up and it comes crashing down at the slightest inconvenience. Coping with it, though, is super important. And having a great team mate to make it through those times is important to me. 

Sometimes I feel like we just don't line up. For the most part we do get on very well. But lately there's been a lot of like, "You don't get it." kind of things happening. 

She seems very distant at times and when I finally feel like sharing or being open about things she's ultra distracted by trivial stuff on her phone, or some douche on FaceBook. 
I get home from work and I want to share about my day but it turns into a conversation about her, or something else and I can't even get my side out there. Or if I do, I'm just talking to myself because she's distracted. It's not something I'm happy about sharing. I don't like airing out my drama. But I have to vent out somewhere. I just don't have anyone really to talk to. I'm gonna talk to you. Even if you don't respond. I'm putting it out there, and with that it's at least that, out there. 

I know she loves me, because she says it every 5 seconds. 
I tried playing the song More Than Words to her, to kind of explain how it doesn't really work for me. 
That song really just nails it. I don't need to hear it because in your actions and what you do, you show it. I think she's using it like a band-aid or filler. As if she doesn't know what else to say or do. 

I feel like it's who you surround yourself with. And having people who want to see you be well and succeed really help you propel yourself forward.
That's why I miss college so much.
It reminded me of my favorite time in my life so far. Elementary School.
During this time as a kid developing, I was going through a lot of domestic violence and weird shit. 
I was able to stay after school and be a part of cool programs that kept me from going home.
I had friends where I could spend the night over and be away from the house. 
But more than that, the people I hung out with were just cool, so we were cool! 

College was a lot of that for me too. I didn't have to go home and be "me," I was able to go to school and build myself up to be who I wanted to be. 
I was a blank slate and I was chipping away at turning it into something "worth." 

Since graduation I feel like that slate was shattered. Knowing that my education was 10 years too late for an industry that had so many rapid growths and changes, thanks to technology, that the school was just out of touch. There was no way I was going to get a job right out of school, let alone a damn internship! 

I had to take matters into my own hands and build up stuff I was proud of, with the base of skills they set me off with. Which honestly, no one can take away. I just need to use this better.
I've been dormant for too long. 

This is more of why I just said fuck it. I know there's someone out there on YouTube who posted a tutorial on how to get the basic idea I want to make across. I know I can make some cool ass art to go with it. 
I became really inspired seeing Streets of Rage 4. The 3 studios who got together and got that shit going on really surprised me. The animation and music is all so fucking clean. I was like dayum. 
I decided no more tomorrow. And I think about a friend, Alex, who says NO WASTED DAYS. Even if you do nothing, it's not wasted. 

I've currently been playing a lot of video games to help keep myself distracted from the pile of human shit that I am. 
I loved Last of Us as a whole series and wouldn't mind doing reviews on it. It's polarizing on purpose and I feel like that is OK. 

I finally got around to playing Witcher 3 with it's expansions and with me finishing up the game soon I have to say I now understand why it won Game of the Year 2 years in a row. 

At first I was like, really? This game? But going through it I was like, nodding my head, like when you ask anyone if they wanna play Gwent. 

I pick up and put down Monster Hunter often. With some of the new content out on PS4 I've been getting a little bit more obsessed with it. It's been fun endemic life hunting and getting some of those old achievements. 

I am excited to start up Ghost of Tsushima soon. I have seen some god damn wonderful photos and videos of the game. Keeping away from spoilers and what ever else. But it's gorgeous looking. 

As far as art goes, I made some stuff between here and there. 

https://www.redbubble.com/i/throw-pillow/Southwestern-Synthwave-Sunset-by-ZachyMassacre/52118270.5X2YF

Anyways. Keep an ear out. I'll be posting shit about the game soon, I'm sure.