Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Stepping forward.

Hey there. I'm taking steps in bettering my life every day.
Certain things happen and they make you want to change faster than originally anticipated.
For example: You want a new job, but you like yours because it's stable and secure. But the job you want is something you can always attempt to get later.
Something happens at your "stable" job and it puts things in perspective. Now the other options start to feel like the stable ones. It's time to start walking towards the new job a bit faster.
I'm now treating my job at Bookmans much like I would a relationship.
When we first got together I thought we'd never break up. It's magical, fucking fun, we get to do all these cool things together, but then stuff starts happening where it makes you question the relationship.
I am now actively seeking another relationship with the idea that this one isn't working out. The shitty thing is, and I would do this if I were really seeing someone, that I can not break up right now. I have so much riding on this relationship that if it were to end... I don't know what I would do.
This is something that scares me because I've never been in this position before.
This relationship has gone sour and it's because of outside forces. It's very unfortunate.
But yea, I'm currently looking for something.
I have a few prospects that are pretty nice, but the thing is- I don't mind sticking things out and attempting to work them out. But if something happens to come my way in November, or sooner, I might just be 100% honest.
I had an altercation that really left a bad feeling in me on Saturday, Sept. 12th.
It wasn't fucking cool. At all. It was really pathetic and childish. And I had to take steps to understand why this person feels like they can talk to me like they did.
It accelerated my plans knowing that I'm not wanted. I'm tired of it being blatant and obvious.
I know it, and I'm tired of trying to fix it. I'm me, I do a good job, even though you don't tell me, and I'll continue trying to make the department nice and awesome regardless of how incompetent you are. Sometimes I feel like I should have just applied for the position, maybe I could have made a difference. But I keep hearing about how things there are set in their ways. So maybe I would have quit sooner?
I dunno.
Anyways, I'm off to finding something more fulfilling. I love what I do, but it's come to the point where the people I have direct interactions with as a professional employee are extremely challenging and wearing down on me. I can not continue to be fake towards these people who can't be professional to me.
We were all hired to do a job, so do the fucking job. I'm sick of the bull shit. =)
So after the altercation I basically just stopped caring. I no longer really give a fuck.

Here's what I was working on today. I want to try to figure out a cooler way to mix the two games together. Jet Set Radio's BEAT and Splatoon's Inkling Girl need to be changing the world together.

Monday, September 7, 2015

To whom it may concern:

Greetings. Hello! How are things? What's up with you?
Anything interesting happen since the last time we talked? I sure hope so.
Lots of stuff going on in my life right now that I just want to talk about.

Tucson Comic Con < My Table < My Goals < How to Obtain Them

My Stream < How it's working so far < Where I want to be < How I can get there

My Life < My Physical Health < My Mental Health < Goals < How to get 'em

OK So basically where I'm at with things in my life is this. It's time to take action.
No more fucking sitting around doing bull shit.
I realized why I play video games. The goal is to beat the game. Win. Achieve victory. Be a hero. Be the one who makes a difference.
I try my best to do this on a daily basis. There's a feeling you get when you're doing your job, or when just being a decent human being. This feeling is a sense of self worth. I get a tingling sensation in the back of my head and my face gets warm. This feeling used to be achieved just by being helpful at my first job. I would feel connected with someone and the fact that I have helped them obtain their goal gave me this feeling. I try to achieve this most of the time with people at my current job. It's not easy, just because "reasons." It could be I'm off a bit about stress / anxiety / depression / the customer is suffering from these things / they are on drugs / or all of the above.
I kinda get the same feeling when playing video games.
But the thing is, I'm always working towards a goal. There's a thing I'm always trying to achieve when I game.
My life hasn't had a goal since I graduated college. As a senior I quickly realized the boat I had jumped on was already sinking. Much like anything else I've picked up since ( And what I wanted is no longer something I can obtain.
Even though I am passionate about certain things and I know I'll never really get anywhere with them does not stop me from having fun and experimenting with them. I love to stream on Twitch. I love to do art, especially street art / t-shirt designs. So these are things I'm currently pursuing on the side while working full time at Bookmans.
This is the issue though. There's no real goal in place for me, sure there might be little stepping stones and stuff but I don't have the clear path laid out before me because I don't have a way point set. Time to look at the world map and set a target with some ideas how to clear the sub quests along the chain. 

Tucson Comic Con: I want to sell my t-shirts. I want to sell some custom art related to comics as well. I'm working on a few little things that are somewhat cool but can sell easily. So making an original piece. Then doing physical re-drawings of those pieces, and also doing prints of the original. So it'll work like this. Get some cool prints of a cool piece for cheap, or get an original Tucson Comic Con exclusive 1/10 drawing for a bit more, or get the original piece for a decent price.
I want to have some shirts printed out just to see how well they sell. So I'm going to do a few of my best selling shirts from RedBubble, but have them printed locally. I was told to check out Aladdin, bu the cool thing is, I might have a connect there with some ties to my family! So we'll see how that works out here soon!!!
The stuff I wanted to draw for the table are things that are related to video games.
So I want to have Link, Samus, Mega Man, Mario and Luigi, then some comic related items like Batman, Venom, TMNT and we'll go from there. The pictures could be something small, like baseball card size, or a bit bigger, just so they can be cheaper to print.

My Stream: The stream is something I love so much. I'm working on networking a lot harder with cool people who share the same goals. Everyone on Twitch want's to make it big and shit, but the thing is no one wants to share it really. The people who do share it only do so with a small select few. I wish to be a part of something bigger with my channel. I want to bring a positive message along with the stream that shows how to deal with being depressed and anxious. I've been adapting things to my life to survive, because if you don't you stagnate and you die. This is something I truly wish to avoid completely.
It's time to put on my pants, one leg a a time, get some fucking shoes and socks on, and maybe a shirt, then handle some business.
I have been trying to stream regularly on schedule, but this vacation has put a damper on that. I'm not too worried about it though. It'll work itself out, just because I will always show up when I can.
So the goal is, ultimately, to be partnered so I can potentially stream full time.
The way to achieve this is by meeting people who mesh well with me and my message.
The way to also achieve this is make it to conventions to hang out with these people.
I unfortunately can not make it to Twitch Con which really bums me out, just because I could potentially build some long lasting relationships and strengthen the ones I've built over the last year. But it's OK, there's always other ways to do this and other cons in the future to attend. I will work on this to be a better socialite next year with the cons and stuff.

My Life: I'm depressed. But not as much as before. The time away from things has kind of put things in perspective. Much like my Cali vacation when I decided to quit my job and go to school full time. I'm not making huge changes to my work life that way.
I'm working on myself internally. This is what I think has made my life a hard time.
I'm not doing the right things to help me find and achieve a true balance.
I think the thing I'm not thinking about is the future, which is why I didn't have goals. I didn't want anything. I just was kind of scooting by.
Now I want something. I want a successful booth at Con, so I can go back next year, or be at PHX CC.... Just to network and be known. Just to leave an impact on someone, just to get that tingly feeling in the back of my head knowing I made a difference.
It works for the same way with the stream. Knowing I can positively impact someone's life has made me feel so humbled because it's the same with me. A few people in my life had helped me through a few hard times in my life and I'm glad to be a Sherpa of light. I can be that person people look to when they are having a bad day, knowing they can come to my stream, chill out and have a cool time with some people who are doing the same exact thing.
I can't wait to impact more people positively.
I see things in life that are cool that I want.
Like a strong relationship with a female companion.
I've seen some strong relationships recently and it makes me hopeful knowing that one day I'll get to enjoy a relationship like that too.
I'm just sad now because sometimes it feels like I've let that go. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I did try 100% to make it work.
So the things in life that are cool, that I want are:
A place to live, that has an air conditioner. It's not much but man this summer has been rough.
A mode of transportation, but not just my bike. I want a car. I'm tired of walking around when my bike is out of commission. It's a real struggle. I've driven a few times up here in Phoenix while on vacation and it's been magical. I miss it. I just remember driving to Cali and having a blast. I always think about CKY and hanging out with my sister. I miss driving.
A sweet job that I actually give a shit about, not saying that I don't at Bookmans at all. I love the job and I do genuinely give a shit about it. But recently developments between me, my boss, and the other people who work in my department.... It makes me wonder why I try so hard. And with my manager telling me to lay off and quit giving so much of a care kinda hurts.
I think if you do something you should be passionate about it, because if you aren't then you're fucking wasting time with me and everyone else there.
It's cool to know your product and be on the top of your game.
I say this because I visited Bookmans here in PHX and was impressed by the store but let down by the people who worked there. Some were passionate, which is awesome but the departments that I liked were run by people who obviously didn't give 5 shits about anything other than taking their next break.
I was honestly disappointed. I didn't introduce myself at first, which means they think of me as another customer. Which means I get the real treatment. I asked some questions like a regular customer would, but I got a cold shoulder. I told the guy I knew he was busy so he could help me when he got a chance but it took 15-20 mins just to get a price on a game. He wasn't that busy btw. My counter is usually ape shit most of the time and nothing was really going on when I asked him for help. Anyways, not trying to judge harshly or anything. He had some stuff that needed to be repriced and I got overcharged for the games I bought, not to mention they were in shit shape. They were scratched to hell, like I wouldn't have bought these games knowing they were treated so badly. I guess I know where I can send people who have scratched games we don't want. Haha! Regardless of the fact the mod didn't seem happy to ring me up and I was kind of shoved out the door, thankfully before I left I questioned the receipt because of the overcharge. Either way. It wasn't a pleasant exchange when I went there hoping to be welcomed, because I'm a part of the "Bookmans Family," the team was disjointed, which I can relate to with our store, I wasn't properly taken care of, and the product I bought was defective. Super bummed out about it. I was hoping to plant the seed of transfer.
I'm not up for transferring to a store where the situation is the same.
I would LOVE a change of scenery. I really enjoy PHX a lot. I think it's a big city with a lot of opportunity. Life is what you make it and I want to make a path to victory. I want to achieve greatness.
I did enjoy this store called Fall Out Games. It's like if Game Crazy and Bookmans had a kind of "off" baby. As if something were wrong with it, but you couldn't tell what... But it still functions properly and it's still cool, but somethings off....
There were some other cool things I experienced around the PHX area, like conveyor belt sushi, the collectors market and other comic shops around town.
I did a lot of cool stuff, like play the shit out of Destiny, play MTG and finally test out my goblin deck. Got hooked on Fallout Shelter and also got a bit further in Fantasy Life. This week away from work really helped improve my mental state.
It's nice to have some goals and some ideas on how to achieve them. Knowing how to adapt and go with the flow is something that I need to dust off.

I'm done blabbing for now. Thanks for being here. I hope you're OK.