Never. Ever. Give. The. Fuck. UP. NEVER GIVE UP.

I've been past due. Scrounging. Getting by with very little. It doesn't look like it's going to get any easier either.
I can't wait to just get back on track.
I feel like I've been trying to get back on track since 2014.
I graduated and I just have been trying so hard to make things work for me. Trying, having some minor and major failures, as well as a lot of little successes. It all works out in the end if you don't give up.
My message today is that no matter how hard it seems, or how dark it gets, there is something better on the other side when you get there. It's so fucking hard to keep that in mind when you're suffering and struggling through it.
I'm living proof that it gets better.

Today I live with 96c to my name. I get paid in the morning and I'm so grateful to have a job that finally treats and uses me like I need to be. It feels so natural and amazing. I have yet to get anxious at this job. I feel like I'm in my element.
I just need to get my life outside of work set up like this.

Been doing my best to stay up on chores and making my house more livable.
Been working on trying to clean up myself too.
I went from 330 lbs to 310. But it's because I'm too broke to eat. I save money for the days that I work so I don't have to deal with feeling like shit.

I get paid tomorrow and I'm just hopeful that I get enough caught up that I can actually start paying off a lot of my debt.

I am tired of just getting by.
I need to get better. Be better.

I kind of have a crush on someone. I crush on a lot of people but this one is close to actually obtaining. She told me in a conversation that she's been into me. I have been super into her since I met her. I love the broken creative types. It's like they understand me, there's not a lot I have to explain because she gets it.
Anyways. I am going to just keep working and hopefully it works out with us. I'd really like to have someone like her around.
I think as I become more accepting of myself things just end up working out for me.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. I'm honestly just trying to be happy.

I was drawing on stream and I wrote down some stuff that would be cool and combined a few things. Came up with an astro cowboy thing. So I started with the idea.

I want to make a cool space cowboy.

Anyways. Catch up with you some other time. Be good to yourself.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of why I wanted to write.
I've been feeling so fucking shitty towards myself. I can't believe that I am in the situation where I'm struggling so much and I only have myself to blame for it. I am being really harsh on myself and I always want to give up, but I keep going. Persevere. I keep pushing. I keep moving forward. I keep trying. Despite the bullshit in my mind. The little spark of hope radiates much more brilliantly then that dark void that keeps telling me to give up.
If I would have committed suicide in 2010 like I was heavily thinking about I wouldn't have done a lot of the cool things the last 9 years. I wouldn't have failed or anything else either, but I'm still here, just trying to be the best Zach.

:)

Hi reader.
Welcome back to the blog.

I wrote a lot complaining about the bullshit going on in my life.
Look. Life sucks. It really does at times. But then there are times where it's really good.
I am so ready for the really good parts.
I want so many more good parts right now.
I am tired of the shitty stuff. I don't want anymore bullshit.

I want so much for myself.
Then at times I don't want to work for it.
I need to really get things figured out.

I'm trying to do really well at my new job. Learning the operations is fun. I'm glad I have the strong foundation of my customer service skills already. I just want to be in a good spot where I don't have to worry. I want to clock in, do work and be well.

I think I found it.

Now to just get my financial stuff settled. I can't wait for 3 months from now when I can look back at this hard struggle and be like, "Wow... Glad that's over."

I started working on the Twitch streams again. I kind of just hunkered down and created a bunch of art and graphics. I put in a lot of stuff for the "aesthetic" of the place.
I think it's been fun getting down on that.

There's a start up screen that involves text digitizing and warping out. Unfortunately it wont load up on this but more of the stream art is below.

Here's the going offline screen, when the stream ends. 

Then we have the offline screen that's on the channel page when I am not live.

There are the subscriber perks. There are unique channel badges, and unique subscriber only emotes we will bring to the table. I can do more emotes when we unlock them with more subscribers.

There are panels at the bottom of the video player that gives you a bit more info about the stream and what not.

I've been working pretty hard on the "brand" and I think that the uniform style is really cool plus, it's unique. Metroid is my favorite game series and I hope to continue making unique emotes and keeping it a part of the steams image.
Anyways. Here's to a good June. I hope that things just start settling down for me.

-Zach


Later on I continued to make stuff.

I also just have been circling in my mind how sad I am to be so lonely.
But then I look at myself and I see why. Who could love /this/ as I motion to myself.
I can't help it but think that my physical appearance is what's holding people back from getting to know me. It truly feels like it is. I am so upset with my past self and how I am now. It's like, I let myself get this way due to seeking comfort, instead of challenging myself to be better, like I did when I was in college. I felt like I was physically healthier then, but not mentally. It's the reverse now. I've got shit all good in the mind but everything else just fell apart.
I'm tired of making excuses. People have come and gone with offering help and guidance.
I feel like people get tired of me, and then just move on. Like fuck that guy.
I know it's not easy being my friend. You have to actually try with me. Because I feel like I'm too much of a burden.
I'm tired of feeling like a turd. I honestly believe that if I had someone by my side encouraging me to do it, and be better I would feel more inclined to do it.
It just isn't in the stars for me. I'm destined to be alone. My life journey is to just struggle. There will be no end until the day I die or give up and kill myself.