Hey blog. I want to start with this. I hope that you're doing better than OK. I hope that you're working on something that is making your life better. I hope you have a great quality of life right now.
If you aren't... There might be something wrong, and I hope that you figure it out. It's gonna take a lot of hard work but it's worth investing in yourself to get there.
It's been quite some time but I'm still here fighting. It's all I know how to do. I've just been keeping silent here for some reason. Maybe I'm just running? I don't really know. I'm good at avoiding the hard stuff and being responsible. Maybe it's because every time I read this blog I'm never where I want to be and I'm relentlessly crying, bitching, moaning, and being pathetic over it all. I think that without having a place like this to do it, it just sits there and creates a cancer where I can't truly live my life though. Cathartic...
I started therapy in December/January and maybe that's why? I have some place to vent where I'm getting what I need. Lot's of good questions and challenges presented to me to help me think about things in a better light. Less relying on bad coping mechanisms and building up better ones. Even though it's been about a month or so since I've had my last session I still feel good. I would like to have more sessions but mainly due to money I can't keep up with things. Which I will explain, presently.
Let's get into what's been going on.
Alright. My last post was December 22nd, and it felt like there was a lot going on then. And it wasn't too long after that post that Sarah and I split up. At the time I was looking to just move out in April with my own place. Our lease was up then so it's just a good deadline to get it together and be final. I started looking for a new place to roost. The stuff going on in the world had made it quite difficult to find a place that was reasonably priced. It never got better either... We were very angry with each other and we hardly talked. I slept on the floor in the office I created for us for 3 weeks until I could afford a bed. We slowly moved everything into our respective places. I was open in talking about my next steps and my expectations.
At my job, selling cars, I felt pretty good. I was coming on on my year in February and throughout the previous year I felt like this was going pretty well! Even with the lack of new cars being manufactured and all the other stuff going on in the world.
My birthday is in January and I had something to look forward to. I made plans to go to Round 1, like I did the last few years and win every damn prize they had! On the 10th I wasn't feeling too well, and I was asked to get a covid test. It was so windy and usually with all that dust and stuff I get a little 'off' so to me I didn't think anything of it. The test came back negative. Which was cool! So I went back to work. Had the day off for my birthday. Hung out with some close friends. Won a lot of prizes. Ate good food. Had some burgers at Devine Bovine, and desert at Cold Stone Creamery. I got tested again though, after feeling like complete shit. I warned my friends I was near to ensure they were well enough, which they were! Nothing happened to them at all. I think I got sick from someone I interacted with at work, customer-wise. At the testing site, I remember having the nurse person telling me that I'm positive and reading the note while she was talking to me I kinda felt fear welling up inside. This kills people in my condition. I'm overweight and not active. I'm a bit older... I just kept thinking that if I get so sick that I get put on a ventilator that I might die. The nurse person told me to just go isolate and keep my electrolytes up. Drink lots of fluids and eat even if I'm not hungry. I was immediately on the phone with Royal letting them know that I wont be in for work, which they assured me would be fine since there was a covid contingency plan in place. I would get to take the time off paid while I recovered. I called my mom and let everyone knew that I was in contact with to just be safe and monitor themselves accordingly. My family sent me a care package with vitamins and food to last through the 2 weeks I would be out.
During the recovery I never once felt like I was going to die. I just had a flu like cold. I took Nyquil every night for bed and slept pretty good. I took vitamin D and vitamin C supplements. Overall I felt pretty good. Little did I know that something else was going on, though.
During the recovery I developed a kidney stone. 11mm in size. It's fucking massive. It caused pain in which I've never experienced. I used up all my sick time recovering from covid.. The HR department of Royal Automotive kept in close contact with me in regards to my recovery from covid. We talked almost daily just checking on progress so that way I could come back to work as soon as possible. As I was getting ready to return back to work I went to a local urgent care with this pain that kept me up one morning. I felt like vomiting but I couldn't. The first place I went advised that I might have had some kind of STI, which did not make sense to me because I hadn't really been sexually active since like November. Maybe something would take time to fester like that, but I was more worried about it being an issue with my appendix or something. With no real way for them to assist me due to lack of equipment I arrived at an emergency room that had radiology capabilities.
I get set up and scanned. They show me this massive stone. Surgery is needed. Doctors note acquired: If you experience pain in regards to the kidney stone it can cause you to be debilitated, you will be unable to operate a vehicle or perform basic tasks. You must take this medicine, and if you are on this medicine you cannot operate a vehicle or do anything because it's a class 3 narcotic. Surgery is needed to get better. I have to now get a primary care physician, which I do not have, and get a referral to a urologist to get this done.
During this time I am in contact with HR at Royal informing them of everything that's going on. At this point it's talking to a voice mail. Talking through my GM of the store I work out of through a messenger. They just aren't treating me the same. I get told that I'm missing too much time and that if I keep this up they will terminate my employment. With the doctors note I advised them I can't work like this and that until I have the surgery I have no other choice. I still showed up everyday I had to work but I would leave early due to the pain experienced. And because of the medications, I would be useless since I can't operate a vehicle. They just didn't seem to understand what I was going through.
After going to the urologist and setting up my exam and getting things squared away I was put on a list for surgery but with no solidified date I was unsure if it was going to be sooner or later.
At this time it's February. I get out from the urologist and I call into work to speak with HR and let my bosses know what's going on. I can't get a hold of anyone so I call the store directly and speak to another manger who gets my GM to call me. He fires me over the phone telling me that because my attendance is so poor they no longer want me working there. Once I get my stone fixed I can come back to work. They'll just rehire me, he tells me. I'm sitting there like, what? Isn't there something better than this? I couldn't help but think about how unprofessional it was and how I spent the last year busting my ass and selling cars for them. Where even one month they took away my bonus, where they just kept the profits I MADE THEM, and I still stayed. I wanted to quit so bad but I promised myself that I would make up the money in the following months with better sales. Fuck man, I was so stupid. I should have quit then, seeing how they treated me in that situation was a good red flag that I just fucking flew past.
Besides all that I am utterly destroyed. I'm sitting in my car thinking about how I'm going to get by.
I lose my insurance coverage with complicates my surgery. I can no longer use my insurance to get this resolved and I now have to pay at least $1200 bucks just to get seen at the hospital. It complicates everything because it's already so god damn hard to work under the pain as is. I fall behind on bills because I don't have money. I am legit struggling because of a major medical set back and because I live paycheck to paycheck I am absolutely FUCKED.
So while all this shit with my income is being fucked with, at home Sarah and I are kind of talking and repairing things to a point where we realize that we really need to help each other out. I think that the space we gave each other allowed us to kind of reassess things. We know that we aren't perfect and that things are complicated but if we don't give up on each other we'll figure out a way to get by. So at this point we're just working on making sure that our basic needs are met. We have a nice place to live without having to worry about us being kicked out, and we can live here comfortably without having to worry about stepping on each other's toes.
I start driving for Door Dash and I do it for a few weeks while I get settled with a new job at CVS Pharmacy. I make enough money to cover some bills. I borrow from two friends to get by. I now owe a lot of money to hospitals, doctors and others as well as a few close friends. This weighs on me heavily.
I interview with the two CVS DMs of Tucson and they assure me that with my experience I'll be great at the position of Operations Manager, which is basically a glorified word for assistant manager. Which I am pretty experienced at being. They talk about who I would fit best with and decide to pair me with a new manager they recently promoted. I think that this is a good idea because as they are learning, I will as well, plus, it's been good for me in the past. I keep referring to my experience with GameStop because both Rouchelle and I were put in a new store to see how it worked out and we kicked ass.
I start my new job on Feb 25th. I have my one day of orientation and then I go in for surgery on the 2nd of March. So I get scheduled for work on the 7th, allowing some decent time for recovery if needed.
MAN shit just goes to hell here.
OK, I'm in recovery after a surgery. They install a stent, which is a little hose that goes from my peehole all the way to my kidney where the stone is. The lithotripsy was supposed to break the stone down using soundwaves. The stent was there to help keep the larger pieces from getting stuck so I can pass the small stuff first. This is extremely uncomfortable having something inside of you that moves when you do. When I walk, it hurts because the hose is moving with my body. If I kneel down, it hurts. If I do anything it fucking is uncomfortable as fuck.
Clearly, I am not handling it very well. I have to pee all the time and I can't hold it in because the stent is near the muscle I use to hold it in. So when I get the signal I have to pee, I have to go right away or I might piss myself. This clearly isn't cool with anyone that I work with and the question comes around that maybe I should take medical leave until I get this taken care of. But I cannot because I have no insurance. I'm scheduled to meet with the urologist on the 15th of March to make sure things are progressing as needed. I just hold on until then.
During this time my store manager is just telling me how much of a piece of shit I am. I can't keep up. I have no sense of urgency. I don't take initiative. I don't do this. I don't do that. And I'm like what the fuck man? She makes a list of like, work chores to do on shift and I do 9 out of 10 and I'm a big old shit bag because of it. "You need to do 12 or 13, not just what I write down. You're a manager. Blah blah blah." All this fucking stress. "Maybe you should step down." or "Are you sure you're fit for this?" Just all kinds of fucked up poor humanity skills coming from this individual.
Vicki Santa Cruz.
A complete fucking CUNT.
Yes I said it, if you're reading this, FUCK YOU. You made my life hell, and for what? Because you thought it would make me better? Learn some fucking humility and compassion for people. Not everyone is a robot. You can't use people like tools. You can't treat people like shit forever. It will come back on you.
While working at CVS I just kept thinking about how shitty it was. I just have to admit that I wasn't good enough. I think overall Vicki was making it a lot harder than it really needed to be. Other managers were not held to my standards and I really feel like it was because she did not hire me. She didn't get to vet me so she figured she could just make it hell until I left. Which worked.
We held a team meeting and that meeting turned into a moment where everyone started talking about me and my performance. Vicki made up this story that a customer called into the store and said that I was talking about CVS in a way that could be conceived as defamation of character. She stated the the person told her things about the company and the way the store was run that was unprofessional. She said I was sharing things with customers that I shouldn't have. My customer service style and how I help people does not include me talking shit openly about how much the job sucks! Everyone knows working is bull shit and it sucks, but I always go above and beyond for the customer. I smile and bare it, which I had to do double time because of my medical condition. I was happy to have the job and be working. I was grateful to not have to worry about things for a bit but having the whole team of people gather up and tell me what Vicki thought of me the whole time just really hurt. I just quit. I walked out. I have done that before and the consequences of that don't scare me. I can't entertain that shit in my life.
Anyways, Vicki was convinced that because some things are legal that it's OK to do. She worked me and other employees 7 days up to 9 days in a row with just one day off. I even worked doubles in that time, too. Because people wouldn't show up for work. She said things like, "Well when I worked HR for this company it's legal to do this, and that." And it just wasn't humane. I tried hanging on for 90 days so I could get insurance. That way I could get the surgery I needed and move on with my life. But because of this situation I started thinking about how if Royal would have never terminated me I would have been better by this time. I started looking for legal advice.
I got on a program where I got to consult with a lawyer for free. They agreed that something wasn't right with this whole situation and that I'm entitled to lost wages as well as my medical bills being covered by Royal based on previous cases won in the past in similar circumstances. It's taken months but on June 29th they mailed out a letter stating that either we settle for a specific amount or we go to court. I'm just awaiting a response. Which, nothing can happen, but if it goes that far then we do go to court.
I started a new job recently working for a new company to Tucson called Detail Garage. I sell items that help you maintain the inside and outside of your vehicle. Simple things like cleaners and soaps to polishing compounds and buffers. It's pretty cool, and because I recently got that Forte GT I am able to take better care of it's appearance. I am doing manager work for less pay but I'm loving the overall vibe of the job. It's pretty laid back being a small retail chain. It fits into the style of job I have loved in the past.
The things I appreciate about it are simple. It's a newer company growing like crazy. The store is small and the team is tight knit. The manager isn't a dickhead. He knows that we are human. There's growth potential. It's cool helping customers take care of their cars. We get to see cool shit everyday. I think that at some points it's a little too slow but we are active on building up things in the community to help drive business. I'm excited to help it grow. I know I can do it because we did it at my GameStop. During the interview process I met with a lot of people from the company and during the meetings they used spicy language which I appreciated. I could be myself, not have to restrict or pretend. I don't have to wear a metaphorical mask. It's nice.
Admittedly I have been thinking a lot about dying. It's been since this time in 2010 when I was feeling suicidal and really thinking about doing it. When it comes around this time I always feel the same way. I know this dark fog will pass and there will be clarity. I just have to go through the motions and make it through. I just can't help the thoughts though. I'm getting older and older. I guess I never thought I was gonna live this long. The physical and emotional pain I experience on a daily basis makes the fight hard but not impossible. It's just a daily struggle of not being able to accomplish what I want versus having to do the hard shit just to make the bare minimum. I hate this walking on a sword bullshit. Every step is potentially fatal and I'm bleeding from the blade every step I take. I can't win. There's no getting ahead for me. Every time I get a little further ahead I get knocked down and it takes longer and longer to get back up.
I'm not trying to leave this on a bad, negative, shitty note. I'm trying to be optimistic and hopeful about things finally turning around. I can't wait to get to the point where I look back on all this and say, wow! I had the strength to hold on through it all and now look. I'm where I wanted to be. All the tears, blood, and pain were worth it. Maybe when I die it'll be obvious.
I've been silent because I just feel bad for dumping all the time. It's always negative. Positives happen but it's just never enough. Maybe I'm just too focused on the bad. Look for a yellow car and you'll see one. Perspective helps.
I have a place to live. I can eat on a daily basis. I have people close to me that care. (It seems) I have a working vehicle. I have a job. I have a lot. I also have struggles. Mine aren't any less valid, nor yours either. But I'm doing pretty good. I'd say better off than most. I just set high standards for myself. I can't obtain or achieve my goals. I also just don't try as hard as I did. Remember when I said no more tomorrow? I was gonna make a game? I stopped myself because I couldn't get farther with coding. The program I used didn't have the coding language library and I couldn't figure out how to get that fixed. So that's on hold. Xen & Teebo is on hold until I get the story beefed up. Still working on making it better, though. I have a lot of notes and additions I need to do. But you can't just go pitch stuff to people like the old days. Sounds like I'm just making excuses. I am lucky to still be here, having the chance to fight everyday.
Persevere.
