Wide awake. Nervous about what will be. Hope for the future cemented and laid out smooth. Like my clothes. Full of unrealistic expectations for myself.
Still, nervous.
I put on my best outfit. New jeans. New dress shoes. New button up dress shirt. As if to lie about myself on the outside. Nothing new. Nothing flashy. Just a ball of jaded darkness. Cynical and hurt. Licking wounds 10 years old next to scars three years old.
I sit there nervous, fighting the anxiety. Adjusting my pants and looking at my shoes. The trainer's voice trailing out as my heart palpitates. My mind racing. You're stuck. You trapped yourself like this. How could you let it get this bad.
I unscrew my cap to my water bottle. I gulp down water to wash away the negativity. Each swallow cleansing me. Wave after wave of "let it go"
I scan the room defensively. My cap making a little squeak as I tighten it closed.
My eyes meet yours and I look away as quickly as they met. You look back to the trainer and I admire you. I wonder what you're like and who you are. I look at you, examining you. I can't help but think of the word beautiful.
I try to figure out how to talk to you. I dismiss the thought.
I think about how if you sat next to me what I would say to you. Would I joke around and be silly, or would I be so serious? It wouldn't fly. I couldn't charm a woman like that.
What could someone like her see in something like me? I beat myself up for thinking like that.
I feel like a monster, something disgusting and repulsive. She wouldn't talk to me even if she had to.
A beauty to my beast.
I'm a thing, and she's beauty incarnate.
Her hair wavy and wild, but tamed, brown and reds swirl and curl that lead to a neat bun.
Her blue eyes light up when a smile hits. Her lips so inviting, curved up as she laughs. They make me think about strawberries. I bite my lip thinking about what it would taste like. Dismiss the thoughts. Be realistic. I look down at my stomach. A button stressed out worse than I am. As if to be holding it all together under so much pressure. I suck it in a little.
I try to pay attention in the class. My mind wandering. Going around and around.
I dream about how she looks with her hair down. At ease, lounging around on a day off. Looking through her phone, binging Netflix with a blanket wrapped around her.
Her voice hits me. Soft like a melody. We learn her name. It's one unlike any other. Unforgettable.
She sings a ballad of who she is to me, short and sweet. The realization is, it's not to me. It's to everyone. Seems as though I forgot there were other people on Earth. I thought it was just us for a moment.
Time goes on and everyday I hope I have the guts to say hi. But one day the universe interrupts.
OK everyone find a new seat. Do not sit next to anyone you sat by before. The side conversations have been getting out of hand and we have a lot of stuff to get through before you all are ready.
I picked a seat, empty on both sides. I kept thinking about who I didn't want to sit next to. And for moments my worst fears had been realized. Noisy and annoying. Rude and unpleasant. I decide to move down a bit. An empty seat next to me.
I had no idea that day things would change for me. I couldn't fathom what would transpire.
If you told me word for word everything that happened I would laugh at you and call you a liar.
You had no where else to go. You were stuck next to me.
Here it was. The thing I had been thinking about for so long. What do I do? What do I even say?
If a quiz is a quizzical, then what is a test? I write it on a scrap paper and slid it over.
She reads it. Her eyebrow twinges and she re-reads it. She looks at me silently laughing. I smile back at her. My eyes zing. I feel energy pouring out of me like I had been struck in the heart. All of my anything was leaking out.
I spend time encouraging her, she's just as nervous about this job as I am. I do my best to coach and empower. You are worth it. You should try. In the end it's going to work out. I promise.
We learn together. I see you blossom. I offer you advise and show you how I'd approach things.
You call me your buddy and tell me you wouldn't know what to do if we had to sit apart.
I laugh and I think, beauty and the beast. She's stuck in my castle and now she will learn to love me or leave.
I invite her to play a game. We fill in squares until the grid is locked and we count how many D's and Z's are there, the most wins. I lose intentionally. I want to give her a win. She needs her confidence built. I make her laugh and smile. I see her growing and being more confident. I admire this in her.
Eventually we get flung from the nest and we have to learn to fly or we die at the base of the tree.
I take off and I soar. I'm like a fresh clueless little bird in a crazy world. Relying on what I was told. Hoping I just do it right.
We get moved away but I at least get to see you on breaks and I try to convince you to spend time with me on lunch.
I admit my deepest fears and find out I'm super weak to you. I can't help it but feel this cosmic connection. Something otherworldly. This thing I can't explain. We hug and it's like when magnets touch. I don't want to let go. I embrace you and I feel something.
I go from feeling nothing to feeling something.
We spend time talking and learning about each other. I can't help but admit private feelings and spilling out onto you. I'm gushing out my everything. You take it with stride as if the roles reversed. You are now coaching me. You're showing me how to be better. You are telling me how to do it. How it's going to work out, and how you promise...
I've never had anything like that.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to impose. I respect you. I don't want to make you confused. I just want to see you smile. You deserve to be happy. You shouldn't have to fight so hard for it. It should be natural and seamless. You light me up and the least I can do is attempt to do the same.
We agree to hangout outside of work. The intention of just being able to spend more time together, something innocent. Very pure. Then the ball drops. The center in confusion. People leaving projects and moving around. We are unsure and things are not clear as to things will play out.
You tell me that you are hopeful for me and I can't believe a woman like you would ever say anything like that to me. If a woman of your caliber could feel this way towards me then I am hopeful. After all this time I can't help but think of how beautiful you are. It's not just looks. You are such a wonderful person on the inside. I admit I do not understand what you see in me but if you see it then I hope others do too. I can't help but admit you are a 12/10. So beautiful and so genuine.
You tell me that you love me, but in that deep friendship way. I admit that I do feel the same. But it's hard to say. I don't want to impose on you or confuse you. You tell me that if you had to pick that I would be on the roster. And not just on the list but like, at the top of the list...
You make me promise to you that we will make time to see each other.
You tell me that you wouldn't know what to do if we got separated. It warmed my heart.
You want to see me succeed and you admit to me how it hurts when I'm angry. I admit I feel the same.
I just want to see you flourish and be well. You warm me right up. You kiss me on the cheek one day after giving you a ride home. I just remember feeling the power of that kiss all the way to bed. I never want to feel anything on that cheek ever again. Unless it was another kiss.
Today is the day. I lay there in bed nervous. Plans laid out like my clothes on the night stand. I have a new shirt I've never worn before. I hope to show off. I want to show you I am not lying. I am what you see. A real man. Built up from hard work and trust. We've built something strong in each other. I've watered you and nurtured you, and you to me. We've been tending this beautiful garden. You helping me prune the toxicity. It's so lovely to see you, radiant and beautiful. You are life itself.
Glorious in its magnanimity. I am radiating confidence as we converse on break. I can't help it but want to hug you, so I double hug you and laugh to myself. All these days of standing at your locker and talking to you. The days under the trees learning more about each other. Seeing you angry, seeing you sad, seeing you just be you. Me being me, sad, jaded and melancholy.
We build each other up.
I wait for you at the end of the day. Your shoes clicking as you hurry to my car. Makes me think about how I was running through today to get to this moment. I watched the clock eagerly waiting to leave knowing I'd be able to hang out with you one on one. No expectations, nothing holding us up, just you and I. Like the first time I heard you speak.
We are there existing on a whole other level. No one else there on our plane of existence.
We vibrate on a level like none other. Our cosmic force colliding. Little supernovas form from our chemistry. I can't help but touch you. I feel the heat radiating off of you. You hug on me. You hold onto me. You wrap your arms in mine as we walk. It's like we have finally connected.
I'm no longer leaking my everything. I'm together. I am it. This beast tame. No longer wounded. No longer guarded. I can just be. You're just you and I'm just me. We are it.
I can't explain what lead up to this but knowing you're so close to me makes my heart race. I can't help but look at your lips and your eyes as you look at me and mine. I feel that magnetic pull.
There's no sense fighting it. I feel like this is what it was like when the Moon collided with the Earth.
My lips touch yours and for an instant a new universe was created. Explosive and fiery. You gently press your tongue on mine. Asking me for more in an innocent power play.
We break. I admit I couldn't help myself. I can't be the reason you get hurt. I don't want to impose. And as an adult I know what I'm doing is taboo. But I can't help it. We pull in together again. As if more passionate and more real.
We admit it's time to go. We can't keep this up realistically.
I take you home and as we part you turn around and blow me a kiss. I catch it and I put it on my heart. Like a band-aid... I become overwhelmed with reality. I actually feel something. I feel alive. I feel like I did before I was broken and jaded. All I needed was someone like you.
My heart swells and I feel so much joy. I begin to well up. Happiness begins to pour from my eyes. Then sorrow. Then pity. But then more happiness. It is much better to love and lose then to have never loved at all. I cry for a half hour. Just thinking about how real it is. Life isn't a joke. Life isn't fake. Life isn't pit against me. Life isn't a waste. Life is real. This is what it is to be alive. This is what it is to win. This is what it is. This. Is. It.
I knew it. My heart will never be the same.
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