Thursday, June 14, 2018

Stuff I'm scared about.

I am truly scared I'm wasting away my life.
I think about my childhood and all the crap I went through to make it.
To make it to this. I motion to myself and my life.
I think the fear is that I haven't done anything that's made me a million bucks.
I haven't done anything that has benefited mankind with a huge impact.
I always think about this when I lay down. I think about how I've followed my heart.
I originally worked hard for money and stacked it up. But that lead me to heartache and disgust with myself and people around me. I worked hard and nothing came of it. The money was spent just trying to keep me distracted from how I felt. Miserable. I drank a lot to mask the pain. It was horrible.
I went to school. I decided I wanted to pursue the things that people have picked up and stood out to them about me. Yes I love art and drawing and being creative. I tried really hard in school to make it work. Which I graduated with honors and in that, I GRADUATED.
Damn.
In those times I struggled. I struggled hard with finding the perseverance to keep trying.
That's what I find most interesting in my life. Perseverance. This little thing inside me telling me to just hold out. You took one step, now take another. Keep moving forward.
I'm scared I'm dying of some crazy disease. Now this is irrational. I'm fine. The doctor told me with a moderately thorough check up in February.
This leads me to my other fear. My mental health.
I'm scared that if I take the time to get on medication that I end up a statistic of suicide.
I hear that when you finally start getting it together with the help of the chemicals you start to feel normal, and then it makes you realize it's hard to keep going because this feeling is only temporary.
The meds only work so long before you have to switch to something else. Or do something else.
I'm scared that if I went to therapy it wont work. Or that I find that I am truly irreparable.
I am a broken individual.
I think I'm letting the past define me. Let me re-think that though because if that was the case I would be a drug addict, running away from my problems and reality with the haze of drugs.
Although, I think I am an addict. Video games are my escape. I really do enjoy not being myself and pretending to be the protagonist.
I do it with film too. I just want so much to be someone worth more.
There's another fear. I am someone who isn't worth the time or effort.
Why don't you look at me? Why is it when we kiss there's no intimacy? Where's the feeling of being complete? How come you wont talk to me? What did I do wrong this time?
It's hard being me. I'm glad that there's only one of me. I know other people are struggling with problems similar or worse than mine but still. I'm glad no one has to feel exactly like I do.
Another fear is that the only reason I have friends is because they feel better about themselves when I'm around. Like I'm a benchmark of "don't do that" or "something not to be" "at least I'm not that bad"
I'm scared I don't make enough money to live the life I need to live to actually live.
How can we exist with these fucking problems involving money? It's hard to believe people are born and they don't have anything so they die. Kids born and starving to death, or parents struggling, like mine did, to keep the flame lit in our hearts to keep going.
I swear I am destined to fail, everything that led up to this point has been a way point marker showing me "to do is to fail" I guess I'm really good at failing because I'm still here doing it.

Sitting in my car the other day I just was like damn. This is all just a means to an end.
You do this so you can keep trying at the things you do love.
Why can't I just commit to something that I do love with all of myself?
How come I have to spend the majority of my day and life doing something I don't like to attempt to do things I do like? It's fucking backwards. You should live life and be nurtured to be the best person you can be.
You tell the truth because it's the right thing to do, but it's not just the right thing to do, it's the best thing to do.
You do a good job because it's the best thing to do.
You work hard, and do it well because it's the best thing to do.
You don't get noticed for it. You just keep the wheels turning. And the world turns.
But if you died, it's OK. The world doesn't stop. Your world does. But THE world doesn't.
You'll be replaced. It always happens. Look at life and the patterns. You're like a season. You shed all this energy and strife. You plant a seed, you grow, it dies, and you get pulled back from it all, only to repeat it.
What am I saying even. Here's the ramblings of a broken man.

1 comment:

  1. "You do this so you can keep trying at the things you do love." Exactly. I've been walking the dog alot lately, looking at the city, wondering about what endures. You can make murals, you can design buildings, you can be mayor, but give it a century, and will it still stand, and if so, will you be remembered with it? All we can do is create what we love and if others see that love and share it, it has some chance of standing and the memory of us standing with it. We only get the now to try.

    Addenda 11/18: With the death of my father and my divorce, I keep thinking about your words in this entry, their morality & purpose in the face of existentialism, and the comment I wrote on them months ago. I'm moving that here due to the upcoming closure of G+ so neither of us lose that. So that I don't lose that, so I can keep working on my map and whatever else comes after that. So that people can witness us making something.

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