Fuck? I guess.

I love all this talk about hard work paying off. I guess I'm just sad that all this work has been going down but it feels like I'm in a hole.
I just keep working, get depressed about how I can't make it what I envisioned, then feel bad. Take time to recover. Rinse repeat. Trying to make it happen. Trying to be the best version of my inner self everyday but it's getting harder and harder.
How do people live to 80+ years old?
How did people just make it through those hard times like the cold war, the great depression, the atomic bomb?
How do we keep finding reasons to keep trying?
Everyday I am finding at least, at minimum, ONE reason to keep trying.
And it's enough. Shockingly.

I deactivated my Facebook account.
I feel like it's more of a negative influence in my life than anything else.
I used to have it as a way to keep up with people I cared about.
But realizing that it's not a tool for that anymore. It seems invasive and manipulative. Hiding certain posts, or straight up not showing you stuff, even based off of your preferences.
I just feel better not having it.

I started an Instagram though. I'm trying to make more art daily and it's a good way to show off those rough designs and shit!
Twitter has been a way for me to reach out to people who seem to care.
Although lately it feels just as barren as Facebook and REAL LIFE.

I read something earlier, "I want free wifi at my tombstone so at least more people will visit and stick around."
It's sad that I'm at this point in my life where when I was young, I was extremely social and had a lot of people to hang out with, but now I have nothing.
I wonder if it's about how I alienate myself. But honestly I don't want to force myself or my shit on anyone so I just keep to myself.
I even try making new friends but I guess I come off as some kind of rapist.
A girl gave me her phone number and I told her I was interested in talking to her about her stories and art, but she took that as me trying to fuck her, I guess? and told me she wasn't interested in hanging out because my intention wasn't clear.
I was just confused.
How does,
"Hey I like that art and creative writing stuff we talked about when we met. Art and creative writing is interesting to me, tell me more about it." 
sound like, 
"Hey you're a girl and I'm a guy, we should push our genitals together. Oh I don't care if you're in a relationship or what values you have, or even what you look like, or even who you are as a person because we just met." 
 I just felt this, "Not everyone wants to fuck you lady. Get over yourself."

ANYWAYS fuck my personal life. It's absolute trash right now.
Aside from trying to make friends I'm trying to also find a significant human I like to spend my time with that is of the female sex.
It's been going horribly. A person I like or liked I had been talking to for a long while finally decided to cross some barriers with me which meant that we might actually start dating instead of just texting each other.
But this person ghosted me.
Straight up 100% poof.
Well, not exactly. Here let me explain. We had finally set up a date and plans to meet. It was all good, and I was excited because I like her.
I don't mind that she's a single mom. Or that she ignored me for a couple of months while she was sleeping with some other guy.
That shit didn't matter- although while it was happening it sucked because wtf man.
I just wondered what made me good enough now lol. And I guess that was the concern going into it. I felt like it was going to happen where she would ghost me like before.
Anyways I'm waiting for her to show up and I'm like oh, it's not going to happen. And as its happening it's the shittiest feeling ever. Like I'll never be good enough.
But the issue is that I am good enough. It's not me in these situations. It's the other person and their ego? or their perceptions? or what I don't know.
I am honestly getting tired of putting myself out there.

I'm a good dude, put into some shitty situations, coming back from them with less and less of myself.

I just need to make art. Just make art and just make art.
But I have emotions and shit that need to be quelled.
Art is a good thing but it doesn't satisfy everything for me.

Twitch Con is a go. I got the car rental all prepared and my Con Badge in hand. I'm stoked to take some time to myself and hang out on the beach. I think it will be a nice getaway.
Tucson Comic Con after that in NOV. Getting the stencils cut and painted slowly.
When I get back from Twitch Con I'll get my stickers printed.
Woo woo!!
Thanks for reading. See ya soon.