A person who feels helpless is immobilized and unable to take steps to solve problems.
A person who feels worthless is overwhelmed with a sense of personal failure.
These just sit heavy with me lately.
Not to mention something that wasn't probably a big deal to the person who did it to me, but man it impacted me pretty harshly.
And I know it was most likely playful and harmless.
I just left thinking and feeling worse than I've felt in a while.
I guess I'm just emotionally vulnerable right now and it just fucking shattered my shit.
I was at work. People were arriving to swap shifts to relieve the morning crew, (me and my other pals) when one of the closing employees starts up a conversation with me about video games. We always chat about OverWatch or what ever. We were chatting it up and everyone's doing stuff getting ready to leave and I'm just kind of relaxing talking, but this other employee just walks past me and is like, "Get out. You're off now. Why are you still here. No one wants to see your face. Get out. Go on." and I was mid sentence talking to my co-worker. I go silent. He looks at me and is like wow that's harsh. I said aloud, "I will go when I'm ready." but something in me just said to get the fuck out right then so I undid my apron and packed up and just left. I didn't sign out of work or make sure my time card was right or anything. I just fucking left.
The only thoughts in my mind. My fucking inner voice was so pissed off.
It hurt my fucking feelings. Just kept thinking "fucking stupid bitch"
it literally shattered me.
Not some shit I wanted to hear. I work hard at that damn stupid tea shop and this bitch comes at me with get the fuck out.
Rationally I'm like dude it's just a joke. I know she had to be kidding but I just can't kick the repeating shit out of my head.
it's been hours and I've got this heavy feeling in my chest still like what the fucking hell.
Anyways so I'm looking at my art and stuff, thinking about how to combine suicide with a security camera. Kind of like my vase, rose and pistol piece.
Trying to think about the camera. It's always watching. It's always rolling. Always seeing.
I want to do something where it's bleeding 1s and 0s.
Something along those lines. Who knows? Something will hit me and I'll be like COOL.
I also just want to write a fucked up story about a guy who's trying to survive some kind of dystopian situation. It starts out kind of like showing how fucking pathetic he is, but then he mans up. and starts to make it. Finds this awesome girl who likes him and stuff. They start to get serious and she gets fucking brutally murdered. He can't make friends because they die some fucked up way all the time.
Everything he does just falls apart.
He's just trying so fucking hard and he just keeps going but everything is against him.
It's basically Mad Max. Fuck I just ripped on something I really love.
It's also The Walking Dead. Another thing I find awesome.
I guess you can't really be original these days.
I'll have to figure out something else with the idea.
Meanwhile.
so the caps I got with my spray paint cans kind of really suck ass. I'm going to have to buy better caps soon.
I think that they will turn out pretty awesome and will be a decent sell at comic con.
More to come soon.
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