Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Finding my zen

“Human desire tends to be insatiable.” - Alan Watts 
 
 
I am working on being me 100%
Some things I am learning are hard to enact and put into motion in my life.
I know I need a change in my life.
It's not a someone or something. 
Being kinder to myself helps me be kinder to others.
Soul searching inside myself trying to truly discover what it is on the inside.
What's behind my eyes. 
What's inside this vessel. 
What is piloting this fleshy organic machine. 
I kept feeling like if someone else could love me I could see what attempt to see what it is they see, and go from there.
This desire to have a partner, to be loved and feel love only pushes them away.
"You're a sweet guy, but - "
"You have treated me like no other man has, and I like you, but -"
"It's hard to say, because I like you, but -"
"You are really genuine and unique, but-"
"You seem like a great partner, but -"
There's always this thing in the way that I cannot see.
I guess I'm just tired of fighting against it.
I am a rock on an ocean cliff side.
The ocean is just constantly beating and crashing on me.
Stalwart I stand, being the one thing I can be. Sturdy. Supportive. Solid.
I felt the cracks forming. The last 8 years have been me trying to repair the damage. Fill the cracks. 
I think I'm trying to be something I am not.
So I get a lot of resistance.
When I accept myself and just be I can truly relax.
But then it's like, what am I?
I keep thinking about how I'm a broken piece of something and that the love of someone could be the glue to repair me.
The more I think about it the more ridiculous it is. 
I am the broken piece and the glue. I am everything all at once.
Zach.
A human.
A human with human desires.
But what do humans want?
A safe place to live. Food to eat. Spread the genes. Rinse, repeat. 
If only I had this internal revelation earlier. I could have possibly salvaged a genuine love.
The love that I thought would fix me. But I don't think that is the true answer.
I was involved in a group conversation where a friend called another friend a recycler. She would date someone, break up, then find someone new, break up and go back to the old boyfriend. Break up, so on and so forth. But she said that she would almost always end up back with an ex. I feel like I am that kind of person too. Relationships and connections with people are hard for me to sever.
I find myself always able to talk to my exes. We hold no ill will towards each other and could possible rekindle in the future if things turned in our favor.
I do not want to be a recycler.
The relationship ended for a reason. It's possible that it will end up turning out the same way. 
I am Zach.
A human, who will not recycle relationships.
OK- glad that's clear.
But what am I? There's so much more.
I'm a lover. I've been told I'm passionate about that whole spectrum. Which it's true. If I love you, I fuckin' love you.
So I'm a passionate lover.
I like to do art, so technically that makes me an artist.
I like to play video games so I'm a gamer.
I love trying new food and have a pretty decent pallet. I guess that makes me a foodie.
I'm pretty dark and morbid with humor and thoughts about life.
I am also perverted. 
I don't like to let go of my video games. So I guess I'm a bit of a collector too.
I also love my right to have a gun. I love carrying and I feel safe knowing if it ever came down to it I'd be able to protect myself. 
I love the simple things. Definitely not trying to complicate life by adding more shit on top of face value.
You'll always get me at face value.

I am Zach, a genuine guy who's not very complicated, but dark, morbid, perverted, a gamer that likes food, who makes art and who also doesn't recycle relationships. 
I guess that's me.
A conglomeration of humanity.
Oh yeah, I have a beard too. So there's that. 
Add bearded in that long sentence of who I am. 
A walking flesh machine who's got a beard.
I didn't even get into my morals or anything deeper.
I wonder if that complicates things. 
I want people to be loved and respected for who they are.
Doesn't matter the skin color, sexual orientation or religion.
Don't be a fuck face asshole and I will respect you. 
Yeah, it complicates things. Look, we lost track of the point.
What is Zach.
See I get to this point and I'm just like FUCK IT.
This is stupid. What does this do for me.
I just am.
So I AM.
This is what I am.
ME, right now.
It tells me what I'm not.
Which is a lot.
I guess it's a good thing.
Perspective really helps in forming ideas and opinions.
I needed to change my opinion of myself, so I look for different angles to view myself. 
Which leads me back to if someone who loves me could show me what I do not see.
And this goes to desiring something I cannot have.
I need to exclude this cycle, circle, and routine from my life.
I need to operate 100% on my own and be my own and be me.
The person I will love with all my everything will compliment my life.
The life I built through suffering and error.
I will achieve inner peace.
Then I think the ripples in the pond will stop and things will be finally balanced.

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