Ramblings of a sad man.

I have come back to reality to find myself more fucked up then I remember.
It's why I slip away again and again. I can't seem to face it. I can't seem to make it.
I just want to feel normal. I can't look long enough to make it. How can I keep trying if I can't see that far? I would rather pretend to be something else. I remake myself every day.
I don't even feel like myself anymore. I am a distorted reflection of what I used to be. Using strange pieces of trauma and fear as placeholders, as if to define what I am. 
I was so scared of becoming a withered husk that I didn't see the signs.
My worst fears were realized. As I walk past myself in the mirror. I see an image of the old me. The old me turns away. Sad at what it saw. The image before it, nothing like it expected.
I lay in this floating abyss of depression. Lifeless and weightless. I float over everything. Numb to the sensation of the world spinning.
I let the currents take me. I get swirled up in the panic. I get lethargic in the drab and dull. The happiness feels like a millisecond. A fleeting moment. Like what my dread used to feel like. They have completely changed places. I used to walk through it all, happiness at the forefront. Now it's a drudge through a swamp of dread.
A disgusting trophy is displayed where confidence used to be. That shining triumph is gone. Tarnished into nothing.
I lay there a broken man. Not even feeling like getting up anymore. These bones are too sore to make it. No bandage or salve can repair.
Have I become what I wanted to build, or did I become a pile of disappointment? The things I wanted, stacked up and slumped over. Limp from failure.
The story ended when my world stopped turning. I've tried to jump start it back to health. The batteries are dead. There is no more to pull from. The reserves are spent. I propel forward in the dark abyss. Holding on to the edges of a light left behind.
I can't do it anymore. I no longer wish to try. My hands clasp shut, holding onto nothing. All I can do is let go.