Tuesday, August 8, 2017

All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here... In my arms!

I've been going through a lot of emotional shit and self destruction.

Some shit I have just been going through is highlighted here today.
Hope is a powerful tool to help you stay positive and moving forward. It is a light to shine on the dark things. It's a reminder that even though it's bad now it wont be later.
Today after a tough day I get home to a letter involving an old outstanding debt where if I do not pay I will be garnished.
I've struggled a lot in the past and when I finally start getting into my stride something I did always trips me up.
It's hard for me lately. It's hard to live, when all I do is work to pay for the place I'm living and for a few comforts at home.
I feel like I'm not even living a life worth remembering.
I'm stuck in this limbo where I try to do things and accomplish or follow my dreams but it's just mediocre and dumb. Nothing comes of my endeavors. I'm not doing this, or I'm not trying enough, or what ever the case may be.
You definitely have to work for the best things in life.
I've been working hard. Where can I catch a break?
Hope seems like a tiny single loose thread that I can't even grasp anymore.
Just today I've been thinking about shit that's been going on with me and I always had this quote floating around in the back of my mind.
"If you think you're depressed first take inventory of your surroundings, you might be around assholes"
Or something of that effect.

So my thoughts tonight are:
When you realize the problem isn't internal, that it's external and you aren't being satisfied by what you've been doing to survive. It's weird when you get some perspective on things.
I have been a very internal person and I always look at things and analyze them. Maybe a bit more than I should.
Something I am suffering from in my lively hood right now:
Loneliness. This is always my #1.
I am tired of being alone and fighting alone.
My love life is horrid. I tend to gravitate towards girls who just don't get me. let alone want to. They just play games and toy around.
Not sure how having someone else in my life will help me feel better when I can't even hang by myself.

But the most important thing I recently discovered are:
Where I am, people with poor performance are tolerated and sometimes celebrated.
I try not to take things personal and just keep the focus on the main things that help me keep my job: Helping customers and taking pride in the work I do for the store.
I've made myself available and swapped shifts for people, I've offered to redo things like displays and offered my opinions on how to handle certain things involving my forte in customer service.
This goes into some things I personally do not like or enjoy about it so far.
It's hard to sever the negative bullshit when you have to work next to it all day.
This is my challenge everyday. Stand next to someone who everyone openly complains about involving their attitude and how they operate.

This leads to not being recognized for my accomplishments.
Which also shadows my skills and amazing customer service skill set, or the ability to do more than the dull shit I have been assigned to do.
This means I am completely unable to pursue my passions. 
I feel wholly unsatisfied at the end of the day with the job I do.
Like there's no fulfillment when it's like I could do nothing and still be there, cause others do it!

I need to sort my fucking life out.

this is the basic outline I have for my future right now.
Vehicle, but the obstacle is a few debts I have to resolve before any bank or anything can get me the money I need.
I can try to save but it's already so tight being single and solo.

Once I get a car, I feel like things will be better.
It's been 7 or so years!
Biking is great and all but damn I feel like it's hindering my life.

been trying to make stuff for comic con. Got some ideas of trying to make some fanart to make some money. We'll see what comes of it. In the meantime I have done some shitty scribbles!
Got a broken heart thief right here.  I just like how it looks and it's pretty much a self portrait. 

I wanted to do these cool card sets of A K Q J of Pokemon and some of their types so like a Leaf set with Venusaur as the K, Ivysaur as the Q and Bulbasaur as the J. And do this with most of the starters, of course figuring out something for the Ace too! But there's what I had so far. Lot's of just messing around.

Been playing a lot of Splatoon on my new Nintendo Switch!
I wanted to do a mashup and I figured a Panty & Stocking mash up with Splatoon would be great, knocking out two things I wanted to draw into one cool thing that COULD be at Tucson Comic Con.

OK, rant over. see ya.

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