Never. Ever. Give. The. Fuck. UP. NEVER GIVE UP.

I've been past due. Scrounging. Getting by with very little. It doesn't look like it's going to get any easier either.
I can't wait to just get back on track.
I feel like I've been trying to get back on track since 2014.
I graduated and I just have been trying so hard to make things work for me. Trying, having some minor and major failures, as well as a lot of little successes. It all works out in the end if you don't give up.
My message today is that no matter how hard it seems, or how dark it gets, there is something better on the other side when you get there. It's so fucking hard to keep that in mind when you're suffering and struggling through it.
I'm living proof that it gets better.

Today I live with 96c to my name. I get paid in the morning and I'm so grateful to have a job that finally treats and uses me like I need to be. It feels so natural and amazing. I have yet to get anxious at this job. I feel like I'm in my element.
I just need to get my life outside of work set up like this.

Been doing my best to stay up on chores and making my house more livable.
Been working on trying to clean up myself too.
I went from 330 lbs to 310. But it's because I'm too broke to eat. I save money for the days that I work so I don't have to deal with feeling like shit.

I get paid tomorrow and I'm just hopeful that I get enough caught up that I can actually start paying off a lot of my debt.

I am tired of just getting by.
I need to get better. Be better.

I kind of have a crush on someone. I crush on a lot of people but this one is close to actually obtaining. She told me in a conversation that she's been into me. I have been super into her since I met her. I love the broken creative types. It's like they understand me, there's not a lot I have to explain because she gets it.
Anyways. I am going to just keep working and hopefully it works out with us. I'd really like to have someone like her around.
I think as I become more accepting of myself things just end up working out for me.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. I'm honestly just trying to be happy.

I was drawing on stream and I wrote down some stuff that would be cool and combined a few things. Came up with an astro cowboy thing. So I started with the idea.

I want to make a cool space cowboy.

Anyways. Catch up with you some other time. Be good to yourself.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of why I wanted to write.
I've been feeling so fucking shitty towards myself. I can't believe that I am in the situation where I'm struggling so much and I only have myself to blame for it. I am being really harsh on myself and I always want to give up, but I keep going. Persevere. I keep pushing. I keep moving forward. I keep trying. Despite the bullshit in my mind. The little spark of hope radiates much more brilliantly then that dark void that keeps telling me to give up.
If I would have committed suicide in 2010 like I was heavily thinking about I wouldn't have done a lot of the cool things the last 9 years. I wouldn't have failed or anything else either, but I'm still here, just trying to be the best Zach.