The thought of letting go

Since my early 20's I've kind of suffered from this late night downward spiral of panic that stems from laying in bed alone.
Laying in bed alone makes me think about the future I want to have.
Someone who loves me, laying next to me.
Sharing the love, being an active participant in their happiness, and mine.
Doing art, thinking of the things I want to complete, and things I want to work on from being inspired by new outside sources.
Thinking of completing things in a timely fashion because although we know not our hour, our time will end.
No one gets out alive.
And then boom. I start racing thoughts of all these things that COULD be wrong with me. Why I'm alone. What it's going to be like when I'm dying.
Is it complete darkness when I'm dead.
Is it like when you're sleeping? That darkness..
Do you wake up again?
Is it like being reborn? Do we relearn things via a new host?
Do I consist of energy that is indestructible? Does this energy move on?
Is there a such thing as a soul? Is heaven real, cause fuck if it is..
I've done my best so far to lead a good life, as a kind man.
I saw the horrors of child abuse and domestic violence.
I grew up with drug abusers and trauma that no kid should ever exprience.
I just can't believe I've made it this far. I can't believe I've made it this far doing so little. Humans are capable of such greatness and it feels like a lot of it is squandered.
I don't think I'll ever lose hope in the idea that we can be great. Which is a root in my kindness. I may not give every bum who asks me for change, money, or anything but to the people I do help and do choose to be helpful to out weigh that right?
So when I die, and my heart is being weighed to see it's value. I don't think I will be disappointed. I know I will, and have given it my all and my best.
I'm trying to do it well. I'm just trying. I haven't given up yet. I'm still here fighting.
But then the time does come where I won't be able to fight anymore.
That darkness. The void? I don't know
No one does. I think that's what gets me all weird.
Life seems like a simulation of things that are supposed to happen to you to test your character.
What kind of person are you? What weight does this soul have? Can it be changed? What happens if something is different next time?
Isn't the Buddhist idea of life something along the lines of you keep coming back until you have learned all your lessons and your soul is pure to transcend?
Something like that. I could have made it up for all I know.
But yeah, this idea of being alive. A gift we are given without asking. We are born, given this vessel to pilot this "reality" reacting to the things going on around us.We learn as much as we care to and do the things we want, then it's taken away.
We are unplugged. That's it.
I think that's why I always loved escaping into video games. I could always just turn it on and I'm back to where I left off. Or I could start a new game but my character is still there.
Now, I'm not so much scared like I used to be about this idea of dying. I used to lay in bed, freak out, get up, slam the doors and hit things including myself because is it really real? I would yell and cry about how much bullshit this is because even though I didn't ask to be here, I'M STILL HERE and there's nothing I can do about it.
But that freaky idea of the unknown. That morbid side of me..
I just think I want more for myself before I go. I hope to achieve something. I hope to be something for someone. Before I don't know what 115 degrees feels like. Or what it's like to get severely hurt in a bike accident.

This doesn't seem that bad, but my knee got pretty fucked up. I'm finally able to bend it after a couple of days.
I keep thinking about how it's bad karma, like I'm paying off some karmic debt for something I did. The balance of good and bad.
Well, either way, we die. that's that.