It's hard to keep it going.

        I am really tired of this.

I am tired of the day to day. Surviving minute to minute. 
I felt like I was growing so much, but in reality I haven't done shit.
It was all just false perspective. False images produced by my brain to maintain a facade.  
I woke up lying to myself in hopes that it would get better. 
After looking at it all in comparison to last year, sure, there has been some movement. But it is just lateral movement. I haven't climbed. If anything I've dropped down lower. 

I'm in a position where I'm just unhappy still. After all these years I still haven't figured out how to make myself happy. I have been trying to do stuff that I thought would. I feel like I went in a big old circle. I'm almost back to where I was in 2010. Where I was going to either drown myself in the ocean, or something worse. Strong contemplation of leaving all this behind. To be honest, there isn't much I'd be leaving anyways. Most times it feels like good riddance. 

I think back on everything. Literally everything. If life is a test, what is it a test for? What's the point of suffering my whole life? From things I couldn't control as a child to now? 

I keep looking at myself and it's not that I hate this person that I am. I just feel like I'll never amount to anything anymore. All the things I did to push myself out from being poor and shitty just blew up in my face. I did a lot to help myself grow and step up. I tried giving myself opportunities. I did things that helped me mold myself in to the man I am now. There are some days I am really proud of myself, and then the majority of it all I seriously question my existence. 
I lack discipline and drive to get my shit together. It hit me just yesterday at work when my GSM called me out. He showed me all my work this month. What he showed me was that I was really only doing 30% or so of my job. And when I was standing there looking at it. I was getting fucking pissed off, mainly because all day I'm there doing shit to try and get paid. If I'm not selling a car, I'm literally just standing there making $0 money. So of course I'm trying to do the best thing for myself. Having him show me that I'm not applying myself just kind of struck me hard. On top of that all I have been struggling with feeling like I'm doing the right job. It made me think that I am worthless and I'm failing myself. I had to spend the night talking to myself, telling me that I'm not a failure and that I really do what I can to get by. This month alone I've thrown myself into the "process" they want all workers to follow. I've been doing just about every little thing I can. For some, this job is easy but for me... I feel like I'm just struggling to keep my head above water. 
What I had to tell myself was, he's not seeing or experiencing all that I am. He's only seeing that 30% and that's it. That 30% of what he sees is clearly not a fair representation of my actions. Admittedly I do not work on my days off. I do take calls and text, but in the grand scheme of it all, if there's no appointment I'm not going out of my way. It's a day off, and I'm staying where my head and feet are. If I'm not clocked in, them I'm not working. 
There's where he struck me, saying that basically the reason I am failing is because of that. I'm not doing everything. I'm failing myself and the owners of this company. He asked me if Craig or Kevin asked me why the report looks the way it does, what would I tell them. At first I was like there is no excuses. But in reality that work was leads that did not pan out. They were shit leads asking for things we do not have, or are unable to get. People who will not compromise or look into other options, let alone even just respond to the messages, calls and emails. 
I had to remind myself that I am working very hard at making my first year in car sales successful and that even though it's a rough patch I'm going to make it through. 

I'm also just looking for work outside of this. I think it would be wise for me to explore other options. Realistically I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do.

I am just so lost with my life right now. I'm 35 and ready to have a freak accident take me out. I found myself kind of not giving a shit about simple safety rules while driving. Not crazy speeding, but going fast none the less. Obviously I'm careful enough, but like... Not really giving a shit. I do like my new car though. I feel good about that. I was able to buy a brand new vehicle. Well, finance it. My credit was close to 800 before it. I was on track and I somehow stumbled.

I'm ready to die. I'm tired of the circle of garbage. 

I think it's because of this new state of reality we're in. Pandemic life. The forever threat of COVID. What is normal anymore? When this originally happened I never thought that I'd be where I am right now. I kind of hoped I would be on the way to store manager at GameStop by now. And I bet that if this never happened, I would have been. I could have been doing something I liked a lot. For some reason I just get kicked, pushed, knocked down, and kicked again. 
I'm not trying to turn everything that happens to me into a huge problem. The shit in life is always going to be there. 

I've been so down and out that I can't even enjoy playing video games. I'm so out of it. 
I think what's made me so sad is that I've invested a lot into something and I have nothing but loss to show for it. In a lot of aspects of my life.
I've invested in myself. People I love. Things I care about. And in return it's like being pricked by a thorn. 
School -
Thoughts: I will go learn stuff and become better, get a decent job and do something I love for the rest of my life. Make a cartoon and a video game.
Reality: 80k in student loans. Not able to get them forgiven despite the school being labeled predatory and closing it's doors. Don't actually have my diploma.  Unable to get job with portfolio of work because the schools curriculum was so dated that if it were 1999, maybe I could have gotten something. 
Jobs - 
Thoughts: I will do this in hopes that I can care for my basic needs. Which will allow me time to work on improving my portfolio of work, and give me the means to do these projects to get into a better job. 
Reality: Stuck. Always working. Unable to do things with time off because job is too draining. Not making enough to get by. Wrack up credit card debt and now stuck under the thumb of debt. Unable to save or invest. People at jobs make it difficult because I don't fit into their cliques or groups. Unable to maintain a healthy work attitude. 
Relationships -
Thoughts: I'll have people around me that I can spend time with that inspire me. I will be full of love and happiness. I will be able to return it in full and do the same for them.
Reality: Jaded, cynical asshole. Reclusive. Unable to really be a good person to them because I have to work. Stuck and unable to grow with others. Depressed because of this and unable to reach out to them for support. These people are better off with out me. Get taken advantage of in some ways, unable to get rid of toxic shit. I surround myself with things that will hurt, hinder and make it worse. 

I am tired of spinning the top. I am tired of picking it back up and giving it my best only to have it get shit on. Earlier in the year I just kept trying to envision this guy I wanted to be. Like, metaphorically killing myself. Or building a golem out of different parts. I wanted to be a guy who was on his way to becoming wealthy. Through my hard work and determination, and the chances thanks to this job, it seemed obtainable. I wanted to be healthier, happier, and more in love with the idea of being alive. I was planning a road trip around the US, where I would visit each state and do a few stops to get food. Visit friends and family. Reality just keeps applying pressure on it all. I have this idea of what to do and then it's thrown a curveball into something that is distorted and ugly. 
I keep thinking that if I can just form new habits I can become better.

Discipline is the key to it all. 

I'm not happy with who I am. 

I'm not happy with who I'm around. 

I'm not happy with what I'm doing. 

I'm not happy with existing. 

I don't know what I can do to fix who I am. 

I feel stuck with some of the people I am around. 

I can't make sudden changes to what I'm doing because I can lose everything. 

If I were to just die, then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.