Sometimes logic just kills your sense of wanting to continue.

I really just need to get this off my chest and put it some where that it can just exist without people making me feel like shit for it.

I realize that I haven't been posting a whole lot of happy stuff. Things are just not going well.
When I finally identify the problem, I make moves to snuff it out.
When I was at Bookmans, there was a co-worker just giving me hell and I tried all kinds of ways to solve the situation. It didn't work. I left. When I was at the tea shop, I worked a lot and covered peoples shifts. I did a lot to help keep myself busy and distracted. I worked so much that when I was finding ways to make the job better, and suggesting it, it caused issues with a certain manager who didn't want anything to change. I left. Working so much really put a damper on me though. When at Zia, I tried the same stuff. I kept moving on trying to find something good for me. And when it was about money, I got more money. If I wasn't very happy, I powered through and looked for something else. I just never felt really good about things I've been doing in my life so far.
Some of the things that bug me I just cannot change.
I absolutely hate the constructs in which we live. I feel so cheated. I never asked to be born, and with that comes all kinds of shit to be a part of "society" which are totally unfair. The fact that money makes everything smoother really fucking sucks. I'm honestly really tired of worrying about it all the damn time.
When I was getting garnished at Alorica, for an old debt which the agency shouldn't have been legally able to collect on because of it's age, really fucked me up dude. I feel so empty. Working so much to get others rich just fucking pisses me off. I'm spending my life and my well being just scraping by. I'm so fucking sick of it.

I just want to feel good about waking up. I want to feel good about existing and I truly haven't in a long ass time.

Going to college was great but before that I suffered a lot with the same feelings I have now. Which at that time made me want to kill myself. If I knew that even 9, almost 10 years later it would be more of the same I should have just fucking done it.

Here I am. Zach. 33 years old. 306 lbs. Feeling very alone. Overweight and depressed. Dejected. Fucking sad excuse of a human. Stuck in the broken gears of capitalism, failing as a middle class white male and falling into the lower class. Getting shit on by everything, the law, the way corporations work, the greed of the society and how truly nasty other humans can be. A victim of circumstance. A trauma survivor with the anxiety and self loathing, even guilt that's hard to live with.

But in reality I'm the Assistant Manager at GameStop, with a loving girlfriend. I have a few very close friends who are a reminder that it's not just me who's struggling and they make it work. I did some dieting as well as other changes and lost 40 lbs since January. Despite some financial short comings I have had a lot of support from people around me. Friends and even people I don't even know. I got a car after a long time. I built up my credit. I worked very hard for it and scrimped on a lot to get it up there! I don't have much of a family after all the domestic violence and trauma. I have my rescue cat, Garth who just makes me feel good when I see him. I hope I am giving him a better life. My job is pretty cool, I mean I get paid to talk about video games. I am not bad at the damn job either, as far as it goes with "sales" and other metrics. I get a sense of accomplishment when I know I did a good job. It just sucks when you don't hear it often or at all.

Things aren't that bad. 

I guess I just wish some of the things I did to help better myself worked out to a better situation for me. Everything I have done to make things better for me ended up hurting me more right now.
I would get a job and shit would turn sour. Or I would get garnished, or something would come up where I just get fucked over. I understand life is supposed to be hard. But didn't I do all the hard shit already, dealing with the abuse I suffered early on? Didn't I already pay into the catch a break fund enough with that shit? I have to work very hard for the little that I have. I am tired. I am worn out. I just want to not have to worry about my electric bill, or be stuck eating top ramen for a month because of some stupid shit out of my control.

I can't post about it because it just looks like all I do is complain all the time, as if I'm not grateful.
I guess I'm not. Being alive is just bull shit anyways. Why fight for it if there's no actual victory to be had?
People are out there doing things, having it harder than me, and enjoying themselves. I just don't know what it's going to take for me to finally be happy.
I know exactly what would solve my shit.
I know it to be the perfect solution! I lied. It's being fucking debt free. Money has caused so much discourse in my life. I can't believe how much it has corrupted humanity.

I hope that by this time next year I am debt free, or very close to it. I hope that I will be slimmer and healthier. I hope that I will have the money I need to take care of the basic necessities of everyday life.

2nd post because I'm trying to be good about consistency.

Hey guys. I finished up that piece. Here's Notorious K.I.N.G.

Also, here's that cleaned up version of the space cowboy.

Having a hard time coloring things lately. I wish I was a more competent artist with actual skills to make something good.
I honestly have been sitting here working on stuff since I graduated and I think about it all the time. Why do I keep doing this? I'm no good at it. Even if I were to compare myself to others, it's like, why do I keep trying. I know that I should just make art and do what I can, because no one can make things like me. Even if I were to draw Superman, or Batman, my style would make it unique. But WHY should I be doing it?

I guess I'm just feeling like I'm spending a lot of time on something that doesn't do much for me.
I really enjoy having the creative outlet. It does make me feel better when I make something that is up to my expectations. It's just lately I can't line the two things up, my skill and my expectations.

I wish I was renowned enough to just tell people to make shit for me. As if I were the director or something. I feel like I could lead projects and get my ideas out there better if people who could actually execute my ideas for me. I don't know anymore. It's been since 2014 since I graduated. 5 whole years of just trying to make stuff work for me.
The struggles I've been through just trying to keep a damn roof over my head.

I hope that my career works out for me with my current venture.
I don't know what I'd be doing otherwise.

Anyways. I'm going to keep trying because I know you wouldn't want me to give up.

Nightly Numbers for 8/15/2019

Hey all.
Just been working a lot.
Been getting used to my position and getting set with making sure I deliver my best self for the job.
I think I'm going to do my best to make it my actual career. I can't really see myself doing anything else. I'm too much into the customer service / retail / video games to just do something else. I did enjoy working for Costco the time that I did for their online customer service. I was good at that too. I'm happy to be the stores assistant. We're doing so good.
I'm doing good as far as that goes now. Job = good means I = good.
Trying to work on art and stuff still. Having a hard time getting things finished. Able to start good projects and stuff but I can't execute.

 Space cowboy came along pretty well. Just having a hard time coloring him.
Then I was working on some video game stuff.

Having a hard time coming up with the way I want things. Cool robots versus cool Bio/Mutant creatures. I need to nail down the things I like about the bio side. The robot stuff should be easy and funner. I was thinking a lot about things like the Infected Terran from Star Craft, Stukov and things like the G-Virus on Resident evil. I loved how they mutated and how cool they are. So I need to keep messing around with stuff like that.


To get away from not feeling good about my art failures I decided to spend some time working on this.

Notorious K.I.N.G.
Once I get good at coloring it will be up on RedBubble as a T.

Never. Ever. Give. The. Fuck. UP. NEVER GIVE UP.

I've been past due. Scrounging. Getting by with very little. It doesn't look like it's going to get any easier either.
I can't wait to just get back on track.
I feel like I've been trying to get back on track since 2014.
I graduated and I just have been trying so hard to make things work for me. Trying, having some minor and major failures, as well as a lot of little successes. It all works out in the end if you don't give up.
My message today is that no matter how hard it seems, or how dark it gets, there is something better on the other side when you get there. It's so fucking hard to keep that in mind when you're suffering and struggling through it.
I'm living proof that it gets better.

Today I live with 96c to my name. I get paid in the morning and I'm so grateful to have a job that finally treats and uses me like I need to be. It feels so natural and amazing. I have yet to get anxious at this job. I feel like I'm in my element.
I just need to get my life outside of work set up like this.

Been doing my best to stay up on chores and making my house more livable.
Been working on trying to clean up myself too.
I went from 330 lbs to 310. But it's because I'm too broke to eat. I save money for the days that I work so I don't have to deal with feeling like shit.

I get paid tomorrow and I'm just hopeful that I get enough caught up that I can actually start paying off a lot of my debt.

I am tired of just getting by.
I need to get better. Be better.

I kind of have a crush on someone. I crush on a lot of people but this one is close to actually obtaining. She told me in a conversation that she's been into me. I have been super into her since I met her. I love the broken creative types. It's like they understand me, there's not a lot I have to explain because she gets it.
Anyways. I am going to just keep working and hopefully it works out with us. I'd really like to have someone like her around.
I think as I become more accepting of myself things just end up working out for me.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life. I'm honestly just trying to be happy.

I was drawing on stream and I wrote down some stuff that would be cool and combined a few things. Came up with an astro cowboy thing. So I started with the idea.

I want to make a cool space cowboy.

Anyways. Catch up with you some other time. Be good to yourself.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of why I wanted to write.
I've been feeling so fucking shitty towards myself. I can't believe that I am in the situation where I'm struggling so much and I only have myself to blame for it. I am being really harsh on myself and I always want to give up, but I keep going. Persevere. I keep pushing. I keep moving forward. I keep trying. Despite the bullshit in my mind. The little spark of hope radiates much more brilliantly then that dark void that keeps telling me to give up.
If I would have committed suicide in 2010 like I was heavily thinking about I wouldn't have done a lot of the cool things the last 9 years. I wouldn't have failed or anything else either, but I'm still here, just trying to be the best Zach.

:)

Hi reader.
Welcome back to the blog.

I wrote a lot complaining about the bullshit going on in my life.
Look. Life sucks. It really does at times. But then there are times where it's really good.
I am so ready for the really good parts.
I want so many more good parts right now.
I am tired of the shitty stuff. I don't want anymore bullshit.

I want so much for myself.
Then at times I don't want to work for it.
I need to really get things figured out.

I'm trying to do really well at my new job. Learning the operations is fun. I'm glad I have the strong foundation of my customer service skills already. I just want to be in a good spot where I don't have to worry. I want to clock in, do work and be well.

I think I found it.

Now to just get my financial stuff settled. I can't wait for 3 months from now when I can look back at this hard struggle and be like, "Wow... Glad that's over."

I started working on the Twitch streams again. I kind of just hunkered down and created a bunch of art and graphics. I put in a lot of stuff for the "aesthetic" of the place.
I think it's been fun getting down on that.

There's a start up screen that involves text digitizing and warping out. Unfortunately it wont load up on this but more of the stream art is below.

Here's the going offline screen, when the stream ends. 

Then we have the offline screen that's on the channel page when I am not live.

There are the subscriber perks. There are unique channel badges, and unique subscriber only emotes we will bring to the table. I can do more emotes when we unlock them with more subscribers.

There are panels at the bottom of the video player that gives you a bit more info about the stream and what not.

I've been working pretty hard on the "brand" and I think that the uniform style is really cool plus, it's unique. Metroid is my favorite game series and I hope to continue making unique emotes and keeping it a part of the steams image.
Anyways. Here's to a good June. I hope that things just start settling down for me.

-Zach


Later on I continued to make stuff.

I also just have been circling in my mind how sad I am to be so lonely.
But then I look at myself and I see why. Who could love /this/ as I motion to myself.
I can't help it but think that my physical appearance is what's holding people back from getting to know me. It truly feels like it is. I am so upset with my past self and how I am now. It's like, I let myself get this way due to seeking comfort, instead of challenging myself to be better, like I did when I was in college. I felt like I was physically healthier then, but not mentally. It's the reverse now. I've got shit all good in the mind but everything else just fell apart.
I'm tired of making excuses. People have come and gone with offering help and guidance.
I feel like people get tired of me, and then just move on. Like fuck that guy.
I know it's not easy being my friend. You have to actually try with me. Because I feel like I'm too much of a burden.
I'm tired of feeling like a turd. I honestly believe that if I had someone by my side encouraging me to do it, and be better I would feel more inclined to do it.
It just isn't in the stars for me. I'm destined to be alone. My life journey is to just struggle. There will be no end until the day I die or give up and kill myself.