Prints are Ready to ROLL

Got things settled for Con this year.
I didn't make as much as I wanted but I have some cool things.
8x10 prints will be available as well as sticker grab bags.
The stickers are designs that were available last year, so if you remember any of those and didn't get a chance to get one I'll hook you up better this year.
Prints will be limited so if you like what you see come by and snag one!

I'll post up the progress pictures and talk about how I completed these in the future.
I'm wrapped up in something that just popped up.
I was invited to make some art for a children's book.
I hope the author likes my work!
Gotta get cracking on getting something to show them!

Splatoon X Panty & Stocking

Here's what getting work done looks like.
Let's keep the steam pumping. Chug-a-chug-a-Chooo-CHOOOOO!

Rick and Morty X Samurai Jack

Here's what a good day looks like.
Let's have more of these. 

The Tears Roll Down.

I was reading today about some of my issues and how I should attempt to solve them.

One of the things that stood out to me the most was trying to take more risks and be more honest with myself.
Also, to just ultimately reach out to people instead of thinking I'm not good enough and just being silent.
I recently did this.
I found someone I thought would make a great friend and even took the risk of asking them to hang out. Which was a success, but overall it turned into a nightmare.

I'm not one for breaking routine or going outside my comfort zones because honestly I'm tired of getting hurt, but this time I was just like fuck it. What's there to lose? And honestly I wish I never had said anything because it would be better to have the chit-chat and what-ifs over this.
Let me explain.
Have you ever been in a situation where you just naturally click with someone and while you chat with them you feel like your battery is recharging? You aren't being drained of your life essence? You feel like a normal human being? 

I have that with only a few people I deal with on a daily basis.
It's great. I am not the robot at the register. I can be Zach. I can be me and they like me for me.

I feel like the first problem with this situation is that the person I asked to be my friend is a woman.
Not trying to sound sexist, but it already does. Just follow along here.

I am a chubby guy and I feel like I may not be the most handsome guy, or let alone an inkling of charming, but after a few great conversations with this woman, she told me specifically that she thought I was charming and that she's always had a good time connecting with me. That was my signal to hang out, outside of work. I mean- I even was clear, as friends, not looking for anything romantic. Not being clear on that front tends to cause issues with things like, "Oh I thought you were being nice cause you wanted to fuck me." as well as other things along those lines.
Sure, she's cute and we share a lot of similar interests but honestly I can't even consider dating someone, let alone giving my broken ass to someone with the idea of like, "OK you figure it out cause I can't!"
So we hang out and we have a great time. Sharing experiences and everything. Hours pass by and we're just having this grand time. I find out all kinds of stuff, I share stuff, we are grooving. It's all around a great time.
I tell her that I'm grateful for her shaking up my reality and showing me I'm not just some robot and reminding me that there's substance to me.
We agree to hang out again.
Messages become one word answers from her.
I ask what's up and it's always "Busy" or something else.
This is immediately a red flag to me, triggering my internal issues telling me that I fucked something up. I mean how is it that we could get along so well for so long then all of a sudden she just walls up and shuts me out?
I just feel like I said something wrong, or maybe she thought I was playing a different angle.
I honestly just wanted to get out of my comfort zone and have a new friend in my life that I could share things with. Yes it started out with these ideas of attraction. She's a Pisces and I'm a Capricorn. We have chemistry that's not on a level of earthly understanding. We just knew we would be good friends but then it's just tossed aside from fears on her end?
This situation happens a lot with me.
I want to just want something new. Finding friends is hard and I just don't know what to do to combat my loneliness.
I've been reading about it a lot.
It's cause from a lot of the childhood trauma I suffered. I have to some how come to terms with it, which for the most part I have. I feel at peace with what happened to me and I feel like a big person and a better human. I don't let it bug me too much but there's things that just still have ripples from that time. Like me feeling useless and annoying. Or that I just don't fit in. No one thinks I'm cool. I have to try twice as hard to get things. My negative internal monologue. My inability to complete artwork or projects because of constant failure.
The trigger with this situation just made me feel like all of the things. A failure mainly because I can't even be someones friend.

making a list and checking it twice for comic con in november. 

A Rick & Morty x Samurai Jack

 

A Splatoon x Panty & Stocking.

A Breath of the Wild inspired design. 

I wanted to do something with the Master Sword and Link that I haven't really seen before so I liked where this one was going. 

And some shit I was thinking about with the Deku Tree.

Thinking about 7 other things to do. 10 drawings exclusive for the con. Selling just a couple of prints and then the stuff that didn't sell last year.
Thinking about doing sticker grab bags that have a mix of the stuff I made. Sounds fun.

All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here... In my arms!

I've been going through a lot of emotional shit and self destruction.

Some shit I have just been going through is highlighted here today.

Hope is a powerful tool to help you stay positive and moving forward. It is a light to shine on the dark things. It's a reminder that even though it's bad now it wont be later.
Today after a tough day I get home to a letter involving an old outstanding debt where if I do not pay I will be garnished.
I've struggled a lot in the past and when I finally start getting into my stride something I did always trips me up.
It's hard for me lately. It's hard to live, when all I do is work to pay for the place I'm living and for a few comforts at home.
I feel like I'm not even living a life worth remembering.
I'm stuck in this limbo where I try to do things and accomplish or follow my dreams but it's just mediocre and dumb. Nothing comes of my endeavors. I'm not doing this, or I'm not trying enough, or what ever the case may be.
You definitely have to work for the best things in life.
I've been working hard. Where can I catch a break?
Hope seems like a tiny single loose thread that I can't even grasp anymore.

Just today I've been thinking about shit that's been going on with me and I always had this quote floating around in the back of my mind.
"If you think you're depressed first take inventory of your surroundings, you might be around assholes"

Or something of that effect.

So my thoughts tonight are:
When you realize the problem isn't internal, that it's external and you aren't being satisfied by what you've been doing to survive. It's weird when you get some perspective on things.

I have been a very internal person and I always look at things and analyze them. Maybe a bit more than I should.

Something I am suffering from in my lively hood right now:

Loneliness. This is always my #1.

I am tired of being alone and fighting alone.

My love life is horrid. I tend to gravitate towards girls who just don't get me. let alone want to. They just play games and toy around.
Not sure how having someone else in my life will help me feel better when I can't even hang by myself.

But the most important thing I recently discovered are:

Where I am, people with poor performance are tolerated and sometimes celebrated.

I try not to take things personal and just keep the focus on the main things that help me keep my job: Helping customers and taking pride in the work I do for the store.
I've made myself available and swapped shifts for people, I've offered to redo things like displays and offered my opinions on how to handle certain things involving my forte in customer service.
This goes into some things I personally do not like or enjoy about it so far.
It's hard to sever the negative bullshit when you have to work next to it all day.
This is my challenge everyday. Stand next to someone who everyone openly complains about involving their attitude and how they operate.

This leads to not being recognized for my accomplishments.

Which also shadows my skills and amazing customer service skill set, or the ability to do more than the dull shit I have been assigned to do.

This means I am completely unable to pursue my passions. 

I feel wholly unsatisfied at the end of the day with the job I do.
Like there's no fulfillment when it's like I could do nothing and still be there, cause others do it!

I need to sort my fucking life out.
CAR > MOVE AWAY > ??? > PROFIT

this is the basic outline I have for my future right now.

Vehicle, but the obstacle is a few debts I have to resolve before any bank or anything can get me the money I need.
I can try to save but it's already so tight being single and solo.

Once I get a car, I feel like things will be better.
It's been 7 or so years!
Biking is great and all but damn I feel like it's hindering my life.

been trying to make stuff for comic con. Got some ideas of trying to make some fanart to make some money. We'll see what comes of it. In the meantime I have done some shitty scribbles!

 

Got a broken heart thief right here.  I just like how it looks and it's pretty much a self portrait. 

 

I wanted to do these cool card sets of A K Q J of Pokemon and some of their types so like a Leaf set with Venusaur as the K, Ivysaur as the Q and Bulbasaur as the J. And do this with most of the starters, of course figuring out something for the Ace too! But there's what I had so far. Lot's of just messing around.

Been playing a lot of Splatoon on my new Nintendo Switch!
I wanted to do a mashup and I figured a Panty & Stocking mash up with Splatoon would be great, knocking out two things I wanted to draw into one cool thing that COULD be at Tucson Comic Con.

OK, rant over. see ya.