All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here... In my arms!

I've been going through a lot of emotional shit and self destruction.

Some shit I have just been going through is highlighted here today.

Hope is a powerful tool to help you stay positive and moving forward. It is a light to shine on the dark things. It's a reminder that even though it's bad now it wont be later.
Today after a tough day I get home to a letter involving an old outstanding debt where if I do not pay I will be garnished.
I've struggled a lot in the past and when I finally start getting into my stride something I did always trips me up.
It's hard for me lately. It's hard to live, when all I do is work to pay for the place I'm living and for a few comforts at home.
I feel like I'm not even living a life worth remembering.
I'm stuck in this limbo where I try to do things and accomplish or follow my dreams but it's just mediocre and dumb. Nothing comes of my endeavors. I'm not doing this, or I'm not trying enough, or what ever the case may be.
You definitely have to work for the best things in life.
I've been working hard. Where can I catch a break?
Hope seems like a tiny single loose thread that I can't even grasp anymore.

Just today I've been thinking about shit that's been going on with me and I always had this quote floating around in the back of my mind.
"If you think you're depressed first take inventory of your surroundings, you might be around assholes"

Or something of that effect.

So my thoughts tonight are:
When you realize the problem isn't internal, that it's external and you aren't being satisfied by what you've been doing to survive. It's weird when you get some perspective on things.

I have been a very internal person and I always look at things and analyze them. Maybe a bit more than I should.

Something I am suffering from in my lively hood right now:

Loneliness. This is always my #1.

I am tired of being alone and fighting alone.

My love life is horrid. I tend to gravitate towards girls who just don't get me. let alone want to. They just play games and toy around.
Not sure how having someone else in my life will help me feel better when I can't even hang by myself.

But the most important thing I recently discovered are:

Where I am, people with poor performance are tolerated and sometimes celebrated.

I try not to take things personal and just keep the focus on the main things that help me keep my job: Helping customers and taking pride in the work I do for the store.
I've made myself available and swapped shifts for people, I've offered to redo things like displays and offered my opinions on how to handle certain things involving my forte in customer service.
This goes into some things I personally do not like or enjoy about it so far.
It's hard to sever the negative bullshit when you have to work next to it all day.
This is my challenge everyday. Stand next to someone who everyone openly complains about involving their attitude and how they operate.

This leads to not being recognized for my accomplishments.

Which also shadows my skills and amazing customer service skill set, or the ability to do more than the dull shit I have been assigned to do.

This means I am completely unable to pursue my passions. 

I feel wholly unsatisfied at the end of the day with the job I do.
Like there's no fulfillment when it's like I could do nothing and still be there, cause others do it!

I need to sort my fucking life out.
CAR > MOVE AWAY > ??? > PROFIT

this is the basic outline I have for my future right now.

Vehicle, but the obstacle is a few debts I have to resolve before any bank or anything can get me the money I need.
I can try to save but it's already so tight being single and solo.

Once I get a car, I feel like things will be better.
It's been 7 or so years!
Biking is great and all but damn I feel like it's hindering my life.

been trying to make stuff for comic con. Got some ideas of trying to make some fanart to make some money. We'll see what comes of it. In the meantime I have done some shitty scribbles!

 

Got a broken heart thief right here.  I just like how it looks and it's pretty much a self portrait. 

 

I wanted to do these cool card sets of A K Q J of Pokemon and some of their types so like a Leaf set with Venusaur as the K, Ivysaur as the Q and Bulbasaur as the J. And do this with most of the starters, of course figuring out something for the Ace too! But there's what I had so far. Lot's of just messing around.

Been playing a lot of Splatoon on my new Nintendo Switch!
I wanted to do a mashup and I figured a Panty & Stocking mash up with Splatoon would be great, knocking out two things I wanted to draw into one cool thing that COULD be at Tucson Comic Con.

OK, rant over. see ya.

Toy Like People Make Me Boy Like.

Hey guys. Been battling a personal wall that I built up a long time ago. Finally got it to where I can see the light through it.
I've been really critical about how others perceive me and it's been hurting me a lot. It's because when I was growing up I was always told I was a piece of shit and I'm worthless. So I always had this thing in the back of my head that I should be a better example and stuff, but honestly I think me trying to be cool with everyone has put a damper on everything. Stifling myself to appease the others.
It's honestly liberating to let go of how people see me. I can't give myself up for others anymore, especially when they don't give a shit about me to begin with.
I was giving too much power to people who don't care.
I care too much about the wrong thing. So I figured it out. I gotta focus on the ZECH. Not the cunt who hates their life trying to bring people down around them because they can't check their baggage before they come to work.
I have been at peace these last few days because of this realization.
Working for myself and my self peace has been nice.
Internal zen.

Anyways. Check out some stuff I haven't posted.

Something magical and it's been on my mind a lot.
I've been spending a lot of time learning about myself and my emotions lately.
I'm a fucking wreck. Haha!

Get that on cool merch here !

Also, something that I'm not too satisfied with but I made it.

 

I like the skulls and the money, but I dunno. I wanna mess around with the type and text more. Not sure when I'll get around to it.

Rough idea for a cross over. Samus / Metroid with the classic Offspring album cover.
That's just a rough drawing so I'll have to take some time to clean the shit up and get it to pro status.

Working on a sad robot too. More progress coming soon.

I hold the fire. I fight the good fight. I'm a good guy.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to me at all.
I was always told to follow my dreams and do what's right in my heart.
But after years of trying to do what speaks to me on all the different levels I still don't get anywhere with it.
I had a dream years ago when I started streaming on Twitch, that I would eventually have a support structure in place where I could stream and this would be my full time job.
I would create content via playing games and streaming my artistic endeavors.
I thought that in college that I was going to find my niche or my groove and just keep riding the wave.
It just turns out that in my senior year of college it was obvious the education I received was questionable and for a fact it did not prepare me for the work force in the animation world today.
I learned a lot about myself in college, and through out all of my hardships in life.
I learned that I have a strong sense of work ethic. I do not give up easily.
I follow my gut instincts and I always try to do what's right.
After 4 years or so streaming on Twitch and my whole life drawing and making art, it's hard to accept failure.
I learned that when you feel like giving up is when you should push harder because you're on the brink of a break through, BUT, I've been at this point several times in the past.
I always just want to keep trying and never give up, because of the "HOPE" that it will finally be my day.
I've accepted the fact that I am not the greatest artist, or the greatest person alive.
I understand that success isn't owed to me. I get it. I know long hours, tears, blood, life force, EVERYTHING goes into getting there.
Maybe I'm not putting in everything, doing everything, giving everything, and that's why I haven't made it.
Honestly... I want it. I want a comfortable life where I don't have to worry anymore.
I'm tired of worrying. I've been worrying about money and shit since I was 10.
Another part of that dream was just being able to support myself making art. Doing the whole content creation and being able to do conventions network, then show people, grow, rinse repeat.
It's like it would have been self sustaining if it all worked out.
Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong?
What did I do, or say?
What the hell?

well, alright?

working on some goofy ideas.
Wanted to start doing stuff with phrases and what not.
I'm working on two ideas loosely right now. One is the above seen rough drawing of a goat who's "horny and lonely'
The other one is "Trade Paper Until You Die"

Anyways, I loved appropriating the satanic goat devil doing the shocker making a goofy goat face as my imagery.
I was streaming on Twitch and chatting up with my viewers while making this, taking suggestions and getting on the spot critiques.

I went through and drew this a couple of times to get kinks out and get a feel for a style I wanted.
I'm going to lay down all the flat colors and then do some details on top to bring it together.

Here's where we ended tonight.

I also showed off some of the progress on the TPUYD piece.

Just working on basic stuff on those ones, like style and colors.
They're coming together and I'm trying to produce more personal work instead of trying to do mash-ups and shit.
Getting ready to do Tucson Comic Con again in November.
Not sure how things are going to roll out but I might be getting some keychains or enamel pins.
Haven't quite figured it out yet.

Anyways, HI. Bye.
See you soon.

cool

Hey there, reader! How's it going for you? Is this just a stupid simple formality to engage you? Want to just get to the meat of it? Cool.

OK so I've messed around with the idea of mixing Splatoon and Jet Set Radio before but this time I've actually made the leap and did it.

Well, I decided to try out a couple of things but I settled on this rough idea and went with it. 

Hmm. Well, looking to make some keychains for maybe enamel pins?
I don't know. Pins can get pretty expensive quickly, so I'll have to do some more research and money saving.

I also worked on another mash up, Rick & Morty X Ren & Stimpy.

I didn't do progress shots of this one, I just kinda banged it out.