Writing about some of my influences with a story.

When thinking about the story of Oliver and Monsterbutt I realized I was using a lot of things that I liked in other stories. These things all really stuck with me over time and I liked a lot of things about them. Link's Awakening being one of my all time favorite stories, and games. The things that happen in it are just really cool, the whole dream world, but having to come back to reality at the end. Everything just ends like a bubble popping. It's there, so magnificent and then pop. It's over.
I broke down the stories to see what I liked about them and what I want to use in mine.

Links awakening.
Link's boat gets struck by lightening and then passes out at sea only to wake up on a mysterious island.
He finds out that nightmares are causing trouble and the only way to make it better is to wake up the wind fish.
The wind fish is asleep and only can a song wake him up. The song is played by 8 instruments. They are guarded.
Fight the 8 dungeons and get the 8 instruments.
In the middle of your journey you find out that waking up the windfish means that you will undo what exists on the island.
You continue to wake up the windfish but evil blocks him from getting there because if he wakes up the windfish it's all over for everyone and everything in the dream.
The nightmare wants to stop him because everything will be undone. Every boss knows this and they try to convince Link to stop. Link pushes on, wakes the windfish after fighting the final nightmare, and found out it was all a dream. He sees a sea gull and thinks of Marin. A girl on the island he liked, who liked him back. Even though Koholint Island is gone it's not forgotten.

Never Ending Story.
Boy is bullied IRL. He's a nerd and uses books to escape. Everything he's read so far is cool. Boy finds book, it's like none other, get's sucked in as main character. Main character is the only one strong enough to go on this journey. He goes to a few different places trying to find a way to save the realm, being tracked down by an evil wolf and surrounded by the void. He meets a few people that help him on the adventure and he overcomes some very difficult trials. He has the help of a close companion Luck Dragon, Falkor. But eventually it all get's forgotten everything is lost, he's standing there with the princess and the only thing he has to do is give her a name. The kingdom is reborn. All is well.

Wizard of Oz.
Bad stuff outside, involving family and people around her. Real life is kinda shitty...  But in the dream it's mirrors the characters. Her uncle, father, etc They all have challenges they go through and then at the end we realize because of the trials they went through together they all have grown and the things they were looking for were there all the time. Then it's all a sham, the Wizard of Oz is a fake but there was some magic there in the end because Dorothy was able to wish herself home. She wakes up and all is good, she has a new found appreciation of those around her.

Where the Wild Things Are. Crazy kid, feels disconnected. doesn't fit int he world. Goes away and lives in the wild, he is able to do what he wants and be who he wants but then comes across a spirit like him, and he realizes he needs to chill the fuck out. He's gone in a fantasy world for a long while and comes back with a better sense of who he is.

Alice In Wonderland.
This story is so cool over all, she falls down the rabbit hole and goes deeper and deeper trying to find a way home until she breaks. The Cheshire Cat just harassing her and providing a lot of perspective. The interactions and morals in the story of all the different creatures and animals. The Queen of Hearts wanting to kill her for something she didn't do. Everyone so scared of her that they fall in line and just do what she says. It's just a nightmare. It's cool how it all comes crashing down and she ends up waking up with a certain appreciation for things.

Over The Garden Wall.
This show just has that deep level I'm wanting to accomplish. They have the dark story telling and the cool, in depth things that if you look at it and analyze it, the meaning is super heavy. The one boy is involved in an accident and it's about how he's come back from the experience he had. The older brother is scared of everything, but the younger brother is excited and wanting to explore it all. It's dark and twisted. The realm is scary and there's lots of lore, and fantasy involved. They have to overcome a lot of interesting challenges to make it back. The end, he wakes up in the hospital after being involved in an accident. Remembering the journey he took it was just a crazy dream that involved the areas he was in before the accident.

All of these stories have the main character take a step back and actually have to be something more then what the thought was intended for them. It's a magnificent transformation of a larva into a butterfly. That metamorphosis in the story is super important to me. I grew up with this trauma and abuse but I never let it define who I was. I could have let it take me down the same path as my parents. Drugs, abuse, everything but instead I let it be a catalyst for something more. I attempted to rise above it and be more from it all. Those things that happened are definitely a part of who I am and it's a strong reason to why I am still here living, and fighting today.
I want to tell the story of a kid who goes through some hard shit in real life but at the end of it all he's truly a great kid. Humility, kindness, companionship, caring, these are things that were not shown to him but he gives it because he knows in his heart it's the right thing.

How do these play into O&MB
The fantasy of it all is major. All the elements come together from each thing to be a part of this story.
first 3 eps. Establishing the real world. How Oliver lives, it sucks because he's poor... Show the abuse. His step-dad really just doesn't like him for some reason. Then establish him getting the game and the stuffed monster. Show Oliver is not confident in himself. Especially after all this abuse. He plays the game and gets settled in, it's a cool fantasy game but everything seems tame and actually kind of boring. His step-dad takes the new monster and rips it slightly, causing some damage to it. Oliver is pretty upset about all of this and decides to run away. His step-dad wont let him leave and Oliver is hit and put in his room. Oliver clicks in the game and the next thing he knows...
He goes into the game, like all the other stories, he leaves and it's turbulent. something strange but next thing he knows he's somewhere new.
he's gone for what feels like a long time and in this time he does a lot of self discovery. He comes out able to stand up for what's right.
In the journey he gains a new friend, the stuffed animal become real. A giant monster who defends him.
He finds out about girls, Celeste. Awkwardly flirty. Building self confidence.But it's also learning about boundaries, she's always looking for an angle to take advantage of people to get what she wants.
He learns how to make friends and find common ground, how to open up about the bad things that happened. Sohn shows him these things as they grow as pals.
The Evil King who represents all these negative things. And how that toxicity corrupts. Everything falls in line under him and it's not good. Absolute power corrupts, absolutely.
The people who fall in line under the evil king are people who want to do the right thing but are turned to evil on accident. The first wizard they come across was actually really heroic before all this, but the evil corrupted him and turned him bad. He died realizing that what he did was wrong but gives Oliver the insight he knew all along. To keep true to his heart.
There will be other generals that need to be stopped, like the one who captured, tortured and hurt Sohn. This gives Oliver a lot of perspective on his situation. Sohn suffers like Oliver does but it's different.

At the seasons end. Oliver will wake up and come to terms with his situation. He will stand up to his step-dad when he's abusing his mother. He's tired of everything he loves being hurt. He uses the new found courage from his adventure to kind of fight back. When Oliver hears the commotion he suits up with things he found in the game, but they are things he already had. He puts on shoes, and dresses up. Then he confronts him while holding the stuffed monster. The step-dad laughing at this weird attempt. He knows nothing will happen so he's not threatened. But Oliver isn't scare of him anymore. Oliver stands up to him. He will call the police. Oliver will be hurt one last time by his step-dad. That last time leaves a mark, or a scar. The series ends with Oliver moving into a halfway house with his mom. A house for battered women.
He goes back to school and makes friends with a girl that looks like Celeste and a boy that looks like Sohn. Everything is looking up for him.

2018 the blog post

I started 2018 in a tough spot.
I was in a very toxic situation the hardest thing was realizing I had to do something about it.
But I worked through it and I got a lot accomplished!

In January, I celebrated my birthday, and Garth's birthday as well. It was fun and simple but it was our one year mark and I'm glad to have rescued him. I started the new year with Brian and Darla. We got super drunk and ate pizza. I tried honey whiskey for the first time.
Also, on the 14th my sister, Vanessa died. It was due to heart failure. I have my own thoughts about how things played out for her and it does hurt knowing she's gone.
At the funeral I caught up with some relatives and one got to lighting a bit of a fire on an idea I had been kicking around since college. She told me that since Fox was bought by Disney, and that her wife worked on New Girl that if I kept in contact with them and had some ideas for shows to talk about it might be a good time to pitch something, or even just talk about it.
So I started working really hard on writing Oliver & Monsterbutt. I mean, I was already working on it but now there was a purpose.
This was a shift for me, less actual art work and more writing...

In February I went to the doctor and she ran some blood tests on me and what not. Turns out things are OK. She talked to me about my mental health and suggested I get on medication and talk to a counselor there. I refused. My overall health is OK, just need to lose some weight. I didn't want to take medications or anything because I don't want to slip down the slope my mom is currently in.
I was working at a dead end job with people who were so unhappy with themselves they couldn't even be bothered to assist me with making great changes or doing the right thing.

I think about it from time to time where I just can't believe my old store manager wouldn't consider doing something so simple as to just have a conversation with his employees about their attitudes, or find ways to build people up and support them. I was willing to make big life changes like move to another location in a whole other state. This is how desperate I was to make a change. I didn't want to leave the style of work. I enjoy retail and I really loved the business of working at Zia Records. I just couldn't believe how there was a lack of integrity there. Some of the people I met, I truly care for. It happens when you spend a lot of time together. There were some that did want to see things get better and they did try as best they could but in the grand scheme of it all, nothing was going to change unless the structure of management did something better. It was clear that nothing was going to happen..

I met a girl and we dated for a bit. She was pretty cool, for the most part. As time went on things got a little more complicated. She was a certain way with me, then different with friends, hers and mine. Our love languages didn't mesh. She thought that gifts and things of the material nature were good, which they are nice, but I needed more physical attention, and words of affirmation. It just didn't work out. I gave it the college try though, I didn't want to give up on such petty terms but sometimes thems the breaks.

I worked on my credit pretty hard when I got the job at Zia in 2017. I got a pretty decent credit score, and then started looking for a bank that would lend me money. Knowing that the only way I could get a better job was to get a vehicle, things became pretty clear to me that it was the only way to make things work better for me. So, in April I got a car. I immediately started looking for other jobs and applied like a mad man. I went to interviews before work and just moved mountains to find something better, but alas, no real luck.

During this time I was meeting up with Chris and his wife Amanda, we were doing some physical training. I wanted to get in shape and start working on my physical health. We met up 2-3 times a week and did this for some time before things got complicated with my schedule and his. He is a firefighter now.

I applied at Geico and went through a pretty intensive process, where they talked to me about my pay wage, my schedule and everything but then decided at the last moment to move forward with someone else.
At that time I was pretty bummed out but then I got wind of a new project opening up. Costco needed people to take calls for their online support. I was having a hard time talking myself into going back to a call center, but I applied and got the job. I was super stoked. The hope was that because it was a new project that as it grew I would grow with it. I'm a confident leader with awesome skills. I was eager to be put to the test and utilized properly, unlike my jobs at Bookmans, Zia, and Chatime.

I got the job offer in July. I started in September.
Getting this job did a lot of things for me with my self confidence.
I met a girl that I fell in love with. I made some new friends.
I started dressing better, went to a big and tall store and found clothing that looks awesome and fits well. I was working on myself really hard. I was faking it until things just worked out.
But I quit exercising and stuff. So I gained some weight. I'm currently at my worst. I really need to get it all together. The thing about me falling in love. It was clear in a previous blog post.
I had to walk away because this person made a promise to me and broke it. It was truly painful but I am not letting it kick me back or make my life worse. I have to pick up and move on. Knowing a woman like her is capable of liking me it gave me hope that someone that is even 2 times better than her will come along. She really hurt me though, there's no doubt there.
I currently work with an awesome structure and the management has stuff in place that makes it work working there. I'm currently a floor supervisor. So fuck yeah. Things are good for me.

During this time I tried making this special day with my mom. In the time that I moved out she and I never had the chance to hang out. But now I have a car and all that. So I planned this day with her.
I basically asked her to come over to my place so she could meet my cat and see where I've been staying. I planned a meal with her and eliminated all factors that would cause complications. But, as per the usual... Things unraveled and devolved to her calling me cussing at me telling me how horrible I am and how big of a piece of shit I am. I waited outside her apartment for an hour and a half. I called her repeatedly and asked her what the heck she was doing, only to get the reply that she was still getting ready. In reality she was passed out and messed up on her medication. She couldn't keep it together enough to go through with our plans. It really broke my heart. I cried on my friends shoulder about it...

Art club is still cool. We all get together and work on stuff. I started writing a few short stories while working on O&MB. I missed out on Tucson Comic Con this year just because of my new job. I didn't have art to sell anyways.
I ended the year on a tinder date at the wench. I was looking for a new years kiss but I left the same way it's always been.

Alone and in the rain.

I am hopeful for a great 2019.

Trying to make progress. Oliver & Monsterbutt Pitch Work.

What I need to get this presentation going:
Images:
I need to get the title image done.
Oliver & Monsterbutt.
Video Game influences with cartridge based game.
Pixel-y looking, Fantasy.
A glimpse of the meteor to help explain the world.

What Oliver looks like.
A little boy with short scruffy brown hair and blue eyes hidden behind big glasses. He wears a dark blue and white striped shirt with blue pants.
In the video game he represents himself but as a character in the game he's different. He's got simple clothing on. A simple tunic and nice boots, a simple sword and shield. He isn't about style, it's about function.

What Oliver's Mom and Dad look like.
What Monsterbutt looks like.
What Celeste looks like.
What Sohn looks like.
What DD looks like.
What the King looks like.
What the Evil King looks like.
What the Shadow Warriors look like.
What the kingdom looks like.

Step 1 /
Concept:
Never Ending Story meets Video Games. (I can't remember how else I described it)
The show will prove with the power of friendship, opening up about trauma, using your imagination, and standing up for what's right in the face of what's wrong is possible.

It's about having to be more mature then you understand. He can't be a kid, because his dad beats him into being an adult, so he never really had the chance to be a kid.
(I need to work the taglines down better)

Oliver is a young boy who struggles with friendships in school. He is shown as lonely and his only escape from the troubles at home and at school is video games.
Oliver suffers a harsh abuse session with his step dad because he's late. His mom is oblivious to the abuse but see's that Oliver needs a pick me up. She sends him into a 2nd hand store to pick out something he really likes and finds a mysterious video game cartridge.
His mother also buys him this strange stuffed toy. Oliver spends time playing the video game, where he disassociates from the troubles of real life and becomes a hero of the realm.
Oliver's step dad punishes him again, and in the game suddenly something happens!
The realm is being overtaken by a group of shadow warriors, they descend from portals that look like visual glitches. The warriors fight with a ferocity like none other. They are fighting to reset the game and delete all the world knows. The king goes missing and Oliver and friends find a way to save the world.
The things that happen in the game give him courage for things in real life. Oliver finds a friend in the game, a creature called Monsterbutt, and Oliver discovers what it's like to have someone in his life that cares. The things that happen in the game help him address big things like having an imaginary friend, talking to his crush at school, having a real best friend, and in the finale, standing up to his abusive father who is the representation of the evil corruption in the video game.

 Main Character:
What Oliver looks like -
A little boy with short scruffy brown hair and blue eyes hidden behind big glasses. He wears a dark blue and white striped shirt with blue pants.
In the video game he represents himself but as a character in the game he's different. He's got simple clothing on. A simple tunic and nice boots, a simple sword and shield. He isn't about style, it's about function.
Who is Oliver? What does he stand for?
In the real world he's a timid boy who struggles with himself due to abuse. He's unsure of himself.
In the video game he's a hero, he does what's right with a high moral obligation to uphold justice. He is everything he wishes he could be in real life. He doesn't realize it, but he really is those things he wants to be. He just needs the game, Monsterbutt and friends to help him realize it.

 World:
Oliver lives in the real world. He lives in a poor part of town and he doesn't really have a lot going for him. He goes to school like any other kid his age and struggles with how to be a kid and make friends.
As Oliver gets into the game, his real life gets worse, causing him to want to disassociate more.
Most of the TV-Series takes place in the land of Gizwald. It's a video game realm where a corruption is spreading and Oliver does everything he can to stop it.
Gizwald is a fantasy video game realm ruled by a king. There are knights, and monsters, armies and wizards. It's a parody of video games in the genre.
Gizwald is a large kingdom built around a fallen meteor. The meteor yielded resources for the realm making it fantastical with awesome weaponry. It's a source of currency and the realms residents live around the kingdom as a whole to progress and work towards a united society. Before the meteor the realm was ruled by huge beasts and monsters, which a hero Desmond Destoldt helped keep at bay with his group of hunters. The fallen meteor attracted all walks, scientists, scholars, soldiers, to group up and eventually the kingdom built up around it. Everyone joining together for the greater good. All of this changes when Oliver gets settled in the realm and saves a local village from a giant beast and meets his new friend Monsterbutt.
Shadow Warriors descend from glitch portals and begin to corrupt the realm and the local beasts and monsters. They are fighting unified to "reset" the game.

Side Characters:
Monsterbutt:

Celeste, she's a trickster type character. She lies and manipulates to get what she wants. She doesn't do it on purpose, she thinks she's doing the right thing. She doesn't reveal any info until it's too late.
Celeste is a few years older, and a little taller than Oliver. She's a bit pudgy, not fat but thick. She's got long golden hair, but she hides it with her clothing. She's hooded, or masked because she doesn't want people to see who she is. She's hiding herself because she's the princess. She likes the color dark green, and black. She's roguish, she uses twin daggers. She's clumsy, so she's prone to falling, tripping, or causing a ruckus unintentionally.
She tricks Oliver and Monsterbutt to help her on a quest to save someone close to her who's sick. She uses their needs to get her ahead. She learns through eavesdropping that they are looking for some one and she uses that information to trick them into taking her somewhere completely different.
Which wastes their time, but in that they gain her as an ally.
As the series progresses we find out she's the princess. Her father, the king, is sick and being corrupted by this strange glitch.
Celeste looks like a girl in school that Oliver has a crush on. In the game, she likes Oliver and he discovers how to talk to girls in real life.

Sohn, is a strong silent type character.
He is tall and skinny. Short buzzed black hair. He's lanky like a bean pole. He's like a member of the Nights Watch from GoT. Black garb, cool black leather armor. He's a warrior type. Like a berserker. He doesn't fight, until later. He's a bit broken because of being tortured by the shadow warriors general. Sohn in deep and enlightened. He helps Oliver realize his true self.
He is alone, and Oliver helps him talk about what he's going through because they relate to each other due to the abuse and trauma. Oliver learns he's able to be open about what happened to him and Sohn shows him he's not useless or less of a person because of what happened.
Sohn learns that his family, his Mom, and older brother were killed by the Shadow Warriors and all that was left was his brother's great sword, which he will use to avenge their deaths. This sparks a bit of conflict because Oliver doesn't think vengeance will solve anything. Causing a bit of a rift in their friendship. But in the end, Sohn has to work side by side Oliver to help bring down the evil, the great sword is the only thing that will hurt the evil king enough to stop him.

Desmond Destoldt, he's the realms iconic hero.
He's old and tired, medium length silver hair, large scar over his white eye, big armor and a huge massive sword that just doesn't make sense on how he uses it. He's big and blocky just a giant of a person. All this ancient monster fighting really bulked him up. He's got a great smile and he's charismatic. He's like a paladin type. He's got an aura around him that just makes it better.
He's an NPC so he's not exactly someone or something that acts on emotion. He's scripted and robotic. But very powerful and a guardian type character. He is the King's guardian, but when Oliver finds him the king is no where to be found. He helps Oliver build confidence early on. Oliver uses DD to exploit things in the game to get further, because Oliver is a long time gamer, he knows how to manipulate the AI to do things. Eventually DD get's corrupted by the evil king and Oliver, MB, Celeste and Sohn have to team up and fight him to win a tournament set up by the evil king, like Mortal Kombat.

The King, he's just a typical king looking guy, kept the realm together like a king would. He's Celete's father, and he loves her dearly. He's fat, big bearded. Like Zelda's father in Breath of the Wild.

The Evil King, will do anything to corrupt the realm and have it reset. The evil king represents Oliver's step father in real life. He will impede Oliver every step of the way, even going as far as to kidnap DD and corrupt him, making them fight.

Generals,

Shadow Warriors are energy wrapped in bits of armor. They have angry glowing eyes. the engery is red and yellow, their armor is  unique and ancient. Like the armor in Legend of Zelda, Windwaker. 

Step 2 /
Storylines:
Oliver being the hero and saving the kingdom. A corruption spreads as the King is missing. The world falls into decay as glitches and evil warriors draw and quarter villages. Crazy monsters and beasts roam and threaten. Oliver has to collect items to help build his confidence to stand up to this evil. It's symbolism stands for how he wants to stand up to his abusive stepdad. (main)

Oliver and friends need to defeat the corruptions evil generals to help stop the world from being reset, the generals have unique items that help Oliver overcome challenges. These things gained in the game help Oliver build confidence in real life. (major)

This branches to Oliver needing a true friend to rely: Monsterbutt.

Monsterbutt finding a true friend in Oliver. (early and minor)

It branches out to him helping people like Celeste and Sohn.

Celeste finding a cure for her father, the king. (major sub plot)

Sohn dealing with his trauma of being tortured by the Shadow Warriors. How Oliver opens up to him about how his dad abuses him. Sohn opens up and they create a strong bond together. (strong growth sub plot)

Flash backs to why Oliver thinks DD is a hero DD is a regional hero of the game and is an ICON. Oliver looks up to him as a role model. So fighting him in the mid season finale is super important because Oliver will always do what's right, no matter what. (major / Half)

DD's betrayal, As an NPC DD became corrupted and turns on Oliver and MB. (major sub plot)

Sohn overcoming the loss of his family, learning that these guys are his family. (strong growth and major sub plot)

Celeste falling for Oliver. (minor)

The fight against the Evil King.

Step 3 /
Design:
Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends meets Hilda?

Platforms:
Netflix Hulu other streaming sites.

Budget+Planning:

Team:

Thanks!

The Fool (not drunk version)

Wide awake. Nervous about what will be. Hope for the future cemented and laid out smooth. Like my clothes. Full of unrealistic expectations for myself.
Still, nervous.
I put on my best outfit. New jeans. New dress shoes. New button up dress shirt. As if to lie about myself on the outside. Nothing new. Nothing flashy. Just a ball of jaded darkness. Cynical and hurt. Licking wounds 10 years old next to scars three years old.
I sit there nervous, fighting the anxiety. Adjusting my pants and looking at my shoes. The trainer's voice trailing out as my heart palpitates. My mind racing. You're stuck. You trapped yourself like this. How could you let it get this bad.
I unscrew my cap to my water bottle. I gulp down water to wash away the negativity. Each swallow cleansing me. Wave after wave of "let it go"
I scan the room defensively. My cap making a little squeak as I tighten it closed.
My eyes meet yours and I look away as quickly as they met. You look back to the trainer and I admire you. I wonder what you're like and who you are. I look at you, examining you. I can't help but think of the word beautiful.
I try to figure out how to talk to you. I dismiss the thought.
I think about how if you sat next to me what I would say to you. Would I joke around and be silly, or would I be so serious? It wouldn't fly. I couldn't charm a woman like that.
What could someone like her see in something like me? I beat myself up for thinking like that.
I feel like a monster, something disgusting and repulsive. She wouldn't talk to me even if she had to.
A beauty to my beast.
I'm a thing, and she's beauty incarnate.
Her hair wavy and wild, but tamed, brown and reds swirl and curl that lead to a neat bun.
Her blue eyes light up when a smile hits. Her lips so inviting, curved up as she laughs. They make me think about strawberries. I bite my lip thinking about what it would taste like. Dismiss the thoughts. Be realistic. I look down at my stomach. A button stressed out worse than I am. As if to be holding it all together under so much pressure. I suck it in a little.
I try to pay attention in the class. My mind wandering. Going around and around.
I dream about how she looks with her hair down. At ease, lounging around on a day off. Looking through her phone, binging Netflix with a blanket wrapped around her.
Her voice hits me. Soft like a melody. We learn her name. It's one unlike any other. Unforgettable.
She sings a ballad of who she is to me, short and sweet. The realization is, it's not to me. It's to everyone. Seems as though I forgot there were other people on Earth. I thought it was just us for a moment.
Time goes on and everyday I hope I have the guts to say hi. But one day the universe interrupts.
OK everyone find a new seat. Do not sit next to anyone you sat by before. The side conversations have been getting out of hand and we have a lot of stuff to get through before you all are ready.
I picked a seat, empty on both sides. I kept thinking about who I didn't want to sit next to. And for moments my worst fears had been realized. Noisy and annoying. Rude and unpleasant. I decide to move down a bit. An empty seat next to me.
I had no idea that day things would change for me. I couldn't fathom what would transpire.
If you told me word for word everything that happened I would laugh at you and call you a liar.
You had no where else to go. You were stuck next to me.
Here it was. The thing I had been thinking about for so long. What do I do? What do I even say?
If a quiz is a quizzical, then what is a test? I write it on a scrap paper and slid it over.
She reads it. Her eyebrow twinges and she re-reads it. She looks at me silently laughing. I smile back at her. My eyes zing. I feel energy pouring out of me like I had been struck in the heart. All of my anything was leaking out.
I spend time encouraging her, she's just as nervous about this job as I am. I do my best to coach and empower. You are worth it. You should try. In the end it's going to work out. I promise.
We learn together. I see you blossom. I offer you advise and show you how I'd approach things.
You call me your buddy and tell me you wouldn't know what to do if we had to sit apart.
I laugh and I think, beauty and the beast. She's stuck in my castle and now she will learn to love me or leave.
I invite her to play a game. We fill in squares until the grid is locked and we count how many D's and Z's are there, the most wins. I lose intentionally. I want to give her a win. She needs her confidence built. I make her laugh and smile. I see her growing and being more confident. I admire this in her.
Eventually we get flung from the nest and we have to learn to fly or we die at the base of the tree.
I take off and I soar. I'm like a fresh clueless little bird in a crazy world. Relying on what I was told. Hoping I just do it right.
We get moved away but I at least get to see you on breaks and I try to convince you to spend time with me on lunch.
I admit my deepest fears and find out I'm super weak to you. I can't help it but feel this cosmic connection. Something otherworldly. This thing I can't explain. We hug and it's like when magnets touch. I don't want to let go. I embrace you and I feel something.
I go from feeling nothing to feeling something.
We spend time talking and learning about each other. I can't help but admit private feelings and spilling out onto you. I'm gushing out my everything. You take it with stride as if the roles reversed. You are now coaching me. You're showing me how to be better. You are telling me how to do it. How it's going to work out, and how you promise...
I've never had anything like that.
I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to impose. I respect you. I don't want to make you confused. I just want to see you smile. You deserve to be happy. You shouldn't have to fight so hard for it. It should be natural and seamless. You light me up and the least I can do is attempt to do the same.
We agree to hangout outside of work. The intention of just being able to spend more time together, something innocent. Very pure. Then the ball drops. The center in confusion. People leaving projects and moving around. We are unsure and things are not clear as to things will play out.
You tell me that you are hopeful for me and I can't believe a woman like you would ever say anything like that to me. If a woman of your caliber could feel this way towards me then I am hopeful. After all this time I can't help but think of how beautiful you are. It's not just looks. You are such a wonderful person on the inside. I admit I do not understand what you see in me but if you see it then I hope others do too. I can't help but admit you are a 12/10. So beautiful and so genuine.
You tell me that you love me, but in that deep friendship way. I admit that I do feel the same. But it's hard to say. I don't want to impose on you or confuse you. You tell me that if you had to pick that I would be on the roster. And not just on the list but like, at the top of the list...
You make me promise to you that we will make time to see each other.
You tell me that you wouldn't know what to do if we got separated. It warmed my heart.
You want to see me succeed and you admit to me how it hurts when I'm angry. I admit I feel the same.
I just want to see you flourish and be well. You warm me right up. You kiss me on the cheek one day after giving you a ride home. I just remember feeling the power of that kiss all the way to bed. I never want to feel anything on that cheek ever again. Unless it was another kiss.
Today is the day. I lay there in bed nervous. Plans laid out like my clothes on the night stand. I have a new shirt I've never worn before. I hope to show off. I want to show you I am not lying. I am what you see. A real man. Built up from hard work and trust. We've built something strong in each other. I've watered you and nurtured you, and you to me. We've been tending this beautiful garden. You helping me prune the toxicity. It's so lovely to see you, radiant and beautiful. You are life itself.
Glorious in its magnanimity. I am radiating confidence as we converse on break. I can't help it but want to hug you, so I double hug you and laugh to myself. All these days of standing at your locker and talking to you. The days under the trees learning more about each other. Seeing you angry, seeing you sad, seeing you just be you. Me being me, sad, jaded and melancholy.
We build each other up.
I wait for you at the end of the day. Your shoes clicking as you hurry to my car. Makes me think about how I was running through today to get to this moment. I watched the clock eagerly waiting to leave knowing I'd be able to hang out with you one on one. No expectations, nothing holding us up, just you and I. Like the first time I heard you speak.
We are there existing on a whole other level. No one else there on our plane of existence.
We vibrate on a level like none other. Our cosmic force colliding. Little supernovas form from our chemistry. I can't help but touch you. I feel the heat radiating off of you. You hug on me. You hold onto me. You wrap your arms in mine as we walk. It's like we have finally connected.
I'm no longer leaking my everything. I'm together. I am it. This beast tame. No longer wounded. No longer guarded. I can just be. You're just you and I'm just me. We are it.
I can't explain what lead up to this but knowing you're so close to me makes my heart race. I can't help but look at your lips and your eyes as you look at me and mine. I feel that magnetic pull.
There's no sense fighting it. I feel like this is what it was like when the Moon collided with the Earth.
My lips touch yours and for an instant a new universe was created. Explosive and fiery. You gently press your tongue on mine. Asking me for more in an innocent power play.
We break. I admit I couldn't help myself. I can't be the reason you get hurt. I don't want to impose. And as an adult I know what I'm doing is taboo. But I can't help it. We pull in together again. As if more passionate and more real.
We admit it's time to go. We can't keep this up realistically.
I take you home and as we part you turn around and blow me a kiss. I catch it and I put it on my heart. Like a band-aid... I become overwhelmed with reality. I actually feel something. I feel alive. I feel like I did before I was broken and jaded. All I needed was someone like you.
My heart swells and I feel so much joy. I begin to well up. Happiness begins to pour from my eyes. Then sorrow. Then pity. But then more happiness. It is much better to love and lose then to have never loved at all. I cry for a half hour. Just thinking about how real it is. Life isn't a joke. Life isn't fake. Life isn't pit against me. Life isn't a waste. Life is real. This is what it is to be alive. This is what it is to win. This is what it is. This. Is. It.
I knew it. My heart will never be the same.

The Fool

I think it's aptly titled. I want to preface this with I have never cried like I have cried tonight.
I swear to "all that is anything" that I have never felt the way I have right now, ever in my life.
How is my life any different then it was before? How do I ever go back to what normal was?
What the fuck is normal even?

Have you thought of taking pills?
Maybe you should take some medication...
All I needed was you.