I am very tired of this cyclical existance.

Ebbs. Flows.
Ups. Downs.
In. Out.
Here. There.
Peaks. Valleys.


Going up, feeling high. Realizing reality, dropping down.
Feeling immense love. Being dejected and alone.
Having someone there and now having nothing.
Everything going around in this circle down the dark drain. It speeds up as we get closer. Accelerating to an unbelievable speed. We spin clinging on to our past selves.
Holding on to what was once there as if it were anything to us now. Moving along. Scrambling around. Lying. Crying. Yelling. Wishing. Hoping. Couldn't things be different?
I'm 32. And my life feels almost exactly like it did when I was 20.
I was forced into a situation where I had to work a job that paid well but sucked. I had just be thrust out of a position I planned on having for a long time. I was assistant manager at GameStop. I had worked really hard to obtain that position. I was the highest paid ASM in the district. I was kicking butt. But, since I was vocal about a thief in the store things turned south quickly. He found ways to taint the view of me and eventually what I said or did no longer mattered. It was accepted as truth.
I had to accept my fate quickly. I had minor responsibilities at the time, especially compared to now. I was a young man, with all this hope and the picture I saw myself in was a simple one.
I was hoping that one day I would be a manager of a store, going to conventions and doing cool meetings. Finding product for the store, building displays and being awesome to my regulars.
It was dashed by a simple mistake blown out of proportion. I know rules are in place to help keep the structure upheld. But I ended up getting an extreme punishment for a minor infraction.
I cried in my car that day. I was dressed in blue. I had a blue button up and blue slacks. Black dress shoes. My face red, eyes swollen as I left the building. I couldn't believe it. I apologized to my store manager for letting him down, but I never acknowledged I let myself down.
I had to find something to make ends meet. So I found out working for a call center would be lucrative. Good pay, decent hours, lots of people, long training period. Seems good. And it was, for a while. I had made a lot of friends. I was social. I turned 21 and was out drinking a lot. Getting to know lots of awesome people and being with women that broke my heart. But the line of work depressed me. Being yelled at by the people I worked for and being yelled at on the phone as part of the job took its toll on me. I became depressed and I disassociated a lot. I escaped into the realm of World of Warcraft. Not responding to my friends anymore. Not wanting to do anything at all. I lived alone, despite having my cats I was pretty much a lonely person. I didn't have the energy to put forth into anything meaningful. My cat got sick and it just really sucked. I felt like it was all my fault. I later learned it wasn't but still it weighs heavily on me to this day. I did all this stuff over the course of years. Trying to make my house my own. Buying a car. Trying to lead a good, straight life. Narrow, and honest. Relationships just falling apart every which way. Unable to be true to myself. No one really loving me the way I needed.
I felt like I had enough. Much like where I'm at right now. A big circle.
I feel like since then though, lots of cool stuff has happened. I mean, you can just see it through reading my blog. The ups and downs. The heres and theres.
But I feel like I'm destined to walk down that path again. And this time I don't know if I have that fight in me like I did then. Does my life suck that bad?
Yes. It does. Loneliness kills me. It hurts me so bad that I don't even know what to do anymore.
Every time and every way I try to make a connection I just feel like I'm desperate. I'm gushing out so much that it shoves people away so hard. It truly hurts even more.
Why can't I just be normal. Why don't people like me back. Why do I fucking try so hard? I think that's the place that hurts too. Trying. I try a lot. And I try with my whole heart.
Don't I deserve to be happy too? Is it jealousy of other peoples success?
What is so wrong with me that I don't get these basic things as well?
To contrast my life from then and now, things are OK.
My job lets me survive. I am able to live with the basic life needs. I have a roof over my head, but the place I live is a fucking dump. My landlord honestly couldn't care less if it burned down.
I have a car, and I'm able to afford gas to do the things I need, as well as I am able to afford to pay for it through the bank and have nice insurance.
I can take care of my cat. He has litter, food, snacks and toys! He's got it pretty good despite having to be in that shitty living space with me, but we make it work.
I have been disassociating a lot recently.
I got really sick earlier this year. I hadn't ever been that sick before, and recently I pinched my sciatica nerve so I'm dealing with that.
It just reminds me of then. I had things lined up and it was feeling good but then it came crashing down.
How did I survive? Why did I survive. That's not a question, that is a solid fucking statement. WHY?
What good did trying do? What good was hanging on, just to end up feeling almost the same way again?
It would suck immediately if I were to just disappear. The things around me would be effected, but then as time went on it would be like I was never there.
That's how I feel right now. Even though I am here, it's like I'm not fucking here. No one gives a shit.
Sure, there are arguments that defy my statement but that's just that. Who am I to you so much so that I fucking matter to you?
If I really mattered to you wouldn't you have tried harder?
Hindsight is a bitch with the would have and could have.
I truly do not understand how people make it to old age.
It's like, why do you go through it day in and day out? It only gets worse. I think they do because there are people in their life that are active in making them feel valued.
I have done poorly surrounding myself with people who care because of how I am. Is it my appearance? Is it my energy? Is it that gushing shit of desperation? What ever it is it seems it's my own doing.
Is it my personal view of myself seeping out onto others?
I know others see things in me that I do not.
I feel repulsive and disgusting. I feel overbearing and broken.
Maybe admitting this stuff and talking about it will make me feel better.
Am I scared that things will just end up like they did years ago? Sure. It's irrational. Because things are different this time around.
As you spiral down the drain, and as you get closer to the void sucking you down, more items condense down and you are able to cling onto more crap around you. Maybe I'm just looking for someone to pull onto and drag down to my level in hopes that I can lift myself up further away.
I feel so fucking pathetic. No wonder I am alone.
It's unfair to pin anything on you. It's my life and it's my choice how I feel about it.
I have things I need to work out, obviously. It's me that needs to take action on being more "there" it's me in the long run.

Things I am working on at the moment:
I am still writing my story. I am getting together a character thing where I have all my characters broken down and their motives.
I am writing a 3 part intro to the show to give it a nice clear start where it shows reality and Oliver's dissociation.
I am playing video games like the usual. I've been working a lot while injured so I'm having a rough time being motivated on things outside of just survival.
I am currently trying to pay down bills and my credit card debt. Once I get on top of things I might be feeling better emotionally.
I have been trying to work on my conversation skills with people so I've been talking to people I do not know. I reached out to a lot of random people on Facebook and I have been talking to people in the break room at work.
I have been stretching and psyching myself up for making a change in my lifestyle that involves being more active. With my recent back injury I need to be more kind to myself. I have been overweight most of my adult life so it's time to get that in check. No better time to start then as soon as I can.

On the HORIZON: 
I am wanting to work on old ideas. I still want to make a video game pretty bad and I wanted to work on the Robots vs Zombies game. I want to make a new series of designs to feel relevant again. I really want to make new designs for RedBubble. Things have been getting pretty strict lately with content and what not, despite things used in parody. So I think that's something that's kept me from doing anything recently. I want to finish this cartoon idea and see about pitching it to studios to see if there's appeal to it all, do I really have it?

Been a little bit but damn life has been weird.

Hello reader. Greetings. Hope all is well.
I truly have been thinking about you and wishing you well.
I currently am going through some hardships. What else is new though?
Life isn't designed to be easy, and if it was, it's not easy for me!
It's definitely been an interesting few months.

Life after Zia Records. 
Honestly a lot better than I thought. Despite the challenges I put myself through to get here.
It's nice to be recognized for my talents and experience. My attitude has taken a huge 180.
I am able to approach my work with a sense of worth and pride. I mean I think one thing that helps me is maintaining a professional appearance and attitude. I feel like I am held to a standard that was not set at other jobs.
It's nice to be able to work without having to worry about attitudes and peoples shitty negativity. I have been able to separate myself from the ones who do that here easily. They are few and far between which is really nice.
My only issues with the job was how the company handled the training for the client. It was a piss poor shit show involving a lot of outbursts that are just downright unacceptable in my opinion.
The fact that some of these people made it out and onto the production floor is a shock to me, but I know in the long run they will be weeded out thanks to strong policy enforcement. I take comfort in knowing that. I keep my head down and always approach each call with the mentality of "How would I handle this if I were in their shoes?" And this has worked wonders for empathy and problem solving. Which helps me in my real life. I realized I needed to start thinking about things in my life with that manor of attitude. I need to approach things I love and care about with those thoughts.

I have been writing a lot. I am writing this story for a cartoon and it's been really hard for me.
I'm trying to create something with value and interest. The story gets cool and I'm excited to write for it and then I get this fucking imposter syndrome where all I see is other things that exist already. I beat myself up over it for a while then I get back to writing and rewriting things to make it my own.

Oliver & Monster Butt
I'll give you the premise. Actually if you've been reading for a while you already know what's up.
A boy uses video games to escape his real life. This game he gets is a fantasy RPG.
The show basically begins as he's plugging the game in for the first time.
In the game he meets a monster as the land gets attacked by a new army of spirit warriors.
They team up and feel the need to save the kingdom. The game pulls from fantasy video games and others that are popular. We have parody references to Mario, Sonic, and other pop culture icons.
I haven't quite figured out how to incorporate the real world into the story but so far I've been focusing on the threads of the characters and their interactions throughout the story.
I think the characters I developed so far are real/ly cool and they pull from people Oliver knows in real life. Friends from school basically, he relates these people to characters in the game who end up helping, or hindering him along the way.
It all boils down to a boy and his monster help to restore order to the kingdom after an evil army moves in to take over. The evil army of the game is trying to glitch everything so it has to reset. A rebirth but with the glitches they will be the dominating kingdom instead, plunging it into ruin and chaos.
Oliver learns about himself and gathers items that help build courage to stand up to those who are abusing the kingdom. He is able to make friends and learns what it is to have a crush on someone.
He mirrors things in the game and relates them to real life situations. He becomes friends with a silent boy at school who actually is a bright and open boy, just awkward because of his trauma of losing his family. A girl at school develops a crush on him and that reflects in the game.
The characters found in the game help him develop the relationships in real life.
Thanks to the game, characters and the interactions he is able to stand up for himself and fight back against his real life abuser. He builds self confidence and a sense of worth through the trails of the game and everything he went through.
So far there's about 8 solid episodes that lead up to a fighting tournament that makes fun of Mortal Kombat.
The story ends with everyone coming together and using their strengths to defeat this evil leader who's strong as all heck. The Usurper is a sickness that is extremely hard to fight and after a near loss the band of 4 figure out how to overpower him and succeed in saving the land. Of course right? Things have to be good at the end. But this isn't the end. There are so many other genres of games that Oliver and Monster Butt can go through and this is what is exciting to me. I basically just need to focus on getting this first set of story arcs done and then this could be just season one of a four part series, where they go through 4 different game types. I love the idea of Oliver and Monster Butt doing stuff out in real life as well. I mean Monster Butt is his imaginary friend so they can do what ever, when ever, how ever!
Anyways. I've geeked out enough with that story, I'll leave some to mystery and imagination. I hope you are at least piqued and curious.

On the horizon
Life for me right now is complicated. I was seeing someone for a little bit. We broke up though. Stress the WAS part. I quit my job and found a new one. I have my car now. I'm doing less art but writing more. I care about my job. I am working on fixing myself up and getting well.
But right now at this moment I am trying to be happy despite the garbage that's going on and I think my attitude is helping me get through this hard part.
It's almost always about money when it comes to problems. And in the next few weeks hopefully things get resolved for me so I can focus on living my best life.
I feel like I'm such a fucking wreck. I don't know how I am able to maintain relationships like this.
What's more, is that people are actually trying to be a part of my life. I find that to be odd just because I don't know what makes me worth it. But I'm looking into that for myself.
I know I say it all the time, but damn I am trying to be good. I'm trying to be best me.
I also just want to put it out there that Tuesday, 9/25/18, I was having the most fucking rough morning I have had in a long time. I woke up with the thoughts of, just fucking kill yourself.
Now yes, it's extremely alarming. And to me I was just laying there fighting with myself. I am not the type to give up. So I'm basically like, fighting back this negative monologue in my brain. At this time I'm on the cusp of a sour relationship with my partner, and work is feeling weird because I'm so new. I have little money because the training class was fucked with scheduling. I got paid $200 less then what I needed so I had to skimp on things, and I thought I had things covered but I missed a bill, costing me an extra 100 on what I already owed. So things were just piling up on me. I had these things I was thinking about with relationships of friends I had just made and my mind was making everything so fucking complicated. My trauma and abuse has me thinking that I can't have platonic female friends because I am hungry for that sense of compassion and friendship but when I get it I mix the signals and think their friendship is flirting with me for something more, so I get all fucked up and weird when I know they don't want me as a boy friend, but as a BOY friend. I can be significant to them without having to be their boyfriend. Jesus my brain is fucked about money and my expectations with myself. Expectations with others. I just have to learn to let go. And with all this going on in my head, the negativity is just like fuck it. End it. You've been trying since 2010. It's not working out. No one loves you. Who even gives a shit. The money is just going to get worse. Shit isn't going to get better.
Holy fuck was it really tough for me. But I persevered through it. When I got to work I typed up on my screen a message to myself to focus on helping out the members, and hopefully through helping them I can help myself. Well, everyone that day, whether it was because the universe smiled upon me or what, treated me with kindness, people on the phone complimented me with big ups on how well I'm doing, how great it was that "I" solved their issues, how significant "I" am to the wheels turning. I got people calling me and texting me just checking in on me and saying what's up and all this stuff without me even asking. It was beautiful. I felt like something was right and it was a critical strike to that negative fucking voice inside me.
Phew. I just had to let that out. I mean. I promised the moon I would work on letting go. I told the moon I would let go of things that hold me back. I need to move forward. I need to be happy.
Here I am. Still trying.

Thursday, August 9th, 2018

I guess I shut everyone out so hard that when I was ready to let people back in, no one cared.

I'm gonna keep on keepin' on.

I quit my job.
My final day is on the 6th. I'm going to take some time off before I begin my next project with a career.
I feel like the choice I made has potential for growth.
I can't say I settled, but my Plan A didn't work out. Which, usually that's the case.
The job seems nice. I think I am mentally prepared to handle what comes with it.
The nice thing is the money. And then on top of that is the idea that I can grow with the project as it expands. I would love to be in management again. I like to influence people to be better.
So my plan is to kick back and learn the job really well, excel at it then work towards being more.
I say that with in the year I will try to move around in the company. Becoming a trainer, or someone who does the interviews.
I've been re-writing the story. I think where it's at now is really cool because it's less about the real world and it's more about a world of this video game hub.
The character is able to show his true colors and be himself.
Something happens to break the norm of the land, and that's the pilot.
It introduces Oliver and sets up his journey. I need to work in how Monsterbutt comes in to it all.
The introduction is pretty cool. I have been working on trying to figure out a cool way to have the show introduction, so it covers imagery of the land / hub world, Oliver, Monsterbutt and the other things that happen. I mean most shows intros have so much in them that if you were to look at it all every little detail means something in the series.
Keep it simple. Keep it to the point.
Keep it cool and interesting.
I have a brief outline of the things I want to happen, now it's about elaborating on it all and making it awesome.

I think for me emotionally right now I'm pretty broken and stressed out. Scared and just like, shocked that I did all these new things.
I think I'm confused on some things with my personal life and maybe I'm worried about committing to a bad choice because of complicated reasons.
The whole quitting my job thing is breaking everything that I knew and breaking the comfort of my bullshit menial existence. It's making me think about things and like, what is it that makes me happy?
Am I satisfied? Is this good enough? Will it work out for me? Does it matter that much to me?
I'm just a little lost and trying to get grounded. It's like I can feel myself spiraling out a little bit.
Hopefully I can catch onto something before it gets out of control and I spin to the ground and SPLAT.

Ope. Meant to post this last week. (It has nothing to do with you)

Hey there reader.
Welcome back. Here's something new for you to gawk at.
I'm 32 and working dead end jobs.
There's no future.
That's why I have been down on myself lately.
I have nothing I'm working towards and the work I'm doing is going towards just maintenance.
It does not move me forward in any aspect.
In finding that out I realize I have to do something that's meaningful to me.
I'd love for my past goals to have worked out. The reality is that they didn't. Either because I didn't try hard enough, there wasn't anything out there for me here, or a combo of both.
I think the fear of stagnating I had years ago has taken hold for sure.
I'm such a creature of routine. There's no real excuse for how things ended up this way.
I think I always just took the easy road.

I've been trying to write for my story and I think I reached a point where I'm a bit turned off by it.
I don't think it's going to make it. Like I need to go beyond what it is and take it a level deeper.
Like, peel back the core of the story and put more of a flair on it that keeps it interesting.

I want to touch on my child abuse and domestic violence.
I want to go on about how the little things helped me keep going.
But I want it to be engaging. I think that I'm just like, too surface level with it.
I have wanted to write a show about a guy and his best friend who's dead but they end up in video games and they have to escape.
I think maybe I can do something with that.
I can combine the two things into one and see how it works out. No work created is wasted work.
It's always another step in the right direction.

Maybe on the surface the story is about a boy who's really good at what he does. He's a master at all these games and in his imagination he's this unstoppable thing, but then something starts creeping into the games and soiling it. And he starts getting whooped. And beat down. And it's always this force that he can't explain.
It starts off small but then it gets really debilitating. Where he's suffering from harsh shit.
Then he finds the monster, which is tough to make a friend out of him at first, but then they have to work together to stop the Evil from taking over.
I think we can ditch the real life shit and the facade of it all and just go into a level deeper.
I keep thinking of Adventure Time and how it's like, there are references to the world we know and accept, and then it smudges over and you have this world they exist in which is just "after" our time.
The references to it, and the darkness of it all, and the shit with the Lich. It's like that level of deep.
That's what I'm thinking about achieving.