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All I ever wanted was you.All I ever needed was you.
All I could think about was you.
Now I'm a ghost.
A distant chill.
A shiver.
A faded reminder.
Never a second thought.


You ever felt left behind?
Like as if life just dropped you off, told you, "I'll be right back, just a bit." But after a bit you realize that it's not coming back?
Other people got to go, you see them.
Life walked away with everyone else laughing and having a good time, but you. You're left there wondering what's going on.
The success, the happiness, the worth, the value, the validity, the validation, the life, the feelings, the emotions, the love, the lust, it's all just not there. You see it everywhere else.
But you, an exhibit of failure, is left behind for no apparent reason.
That abandonment just welling up inside of you as everything you try or put your whole heart into just turns to dust or blows up in your face.
You just tell yourself, "I'm following my heart." or "I'm doing what they did, just going until I make it."
But fucking when is it your time? Where's your turn, or you rchance?
You can only salvage so much from these failures, speed bumps, heartbreaks, blips, fuck-ups, and or bad investments of time and effort.
You can't help but feel like you're grasping for what little remains of that HOPE. Trying to use hope as glue, slowly piecing it back together as you sloppily drop it on the floor again, braking it even more. The hope that one day it will be different. It will be better. It will change.
And that's all you have, the hope that your little dirt pile, your weathered and worn pile of you.
You've been hungry for so long, you no longer have an appetite.
You've been lonely so long that you no longer understand or care for that feeling of love.
You've been hurt so much that you're blind to kindness.
You're so jaded that you can't understand these simple concepts.
You're unable to act, stuck and motionless, dreaming of what you could have done right, before life left you behind.
You look to remember a glimpse of victory.
You want to feel that shine of success, but you're just a husk of what could have been.

jljljl

I keep thinking about how to start this damn cartoon of mine. I want it to feel real, real for me. Like as if it's my story of my life. But the successful part of it. The part that will never exist. Nothing I say from this point has to do with my cartoon, FYI.

I keep thinking about how I'm going to kill myself.
I keep thinking about dressing up with my nicest clothes and just laying down with the intention of never getting up again.
I'm living a tragic story of my own concoction, a formula, a percentage, a statistic.
I'm slowly just giving up on everything one day at a time.
People are saying goals, work, a significant other, a hobby, a something else, will make this emptiness go away. I've been living with it for some time now and to be honest, these people need to shut the fuck up. They don't know what they are talking about. I'm sick of hearing advice on how to tackle depression and anxiety.
Most of these things aren't fixed by my irrational fear of not being good enough, they aren't fixed by getting laid or working 8 and a half hours a day. They aren't fixed by just talking about them. It's a hovering sinking feeling that the only thing left for me now is to just die. I keep thinking about when I broke up with Genesis. How I felt like as if I wanted her to take the biggest risk with me and she didn't want to. Which I understand, it's fucking scary, but if we couldn't do that together then it was over. But it's a shitty feeling because I think she was the first woman I really did give a shit about. 
Maybe if I tried harder. It's not about other peoples failures or anything. It's about what I did or what I could have done. Maybe if I just tried harder in school. What if I tried harder at Bookmans. What if I just did more than I could do?
In reality. I think it's that I did try. I tried too hard and this is why I lost those things that were important to me. I set my standards too high and wouldn't compromise. It fucked things up. Because I tried so hard at this chill job I lost it. I was too serious about it and no one else gave a shit. I tried really hard at school because it wasn't the place for me. I'm no fucking artist. I just thought I was because of all the people around me telling me they liked my doodles and stuff. I tried so hard at school to be one of the ones. The success stories. And because of these expectations I'm unable to act. I can't compete with a lot of these people who are real artists. The people that do deserve to be something.
I realized why I am single. It's because I'm a human pile of waste. I am ugly. I'm disgusting, hella fucking jaded. How anyone dated me before let alone let me kiss them is a mystery to me. I've been thinking about it lately. It's like they saw something in me that I don't see myself. They see my potential. I want to see what they saw, I mean they don't see it anymore, I'm sure because of things that happened.
What is this success or goodness that these people, my ex lovers, my teachers, and my old friends, what did they see me as?
Am I the greatest liar ever? Am I lying to myself?
I keep this idea in the back of my mind, "If I were to move away, start over somewhere new, would it be different?"
I keep thinking about creating a new me. A person of my own design and being that person from here on out. As if I'm already dead. To be something else would be nice right now. I wish I could just transport myself into a different plane of existence for a bit, so I can come back realizing how truly awesome it is to be alive.

Wrap up. Street Art Samus.

Here's what I've been working on.
I'm not sure the next one. Pokemon? or Legend of Zelda?
I'm going to make a series of these though.
Different styles of graffiti. zzzz I'm tired.

Untitled

Today I woke up in complete darkness.
No Sun, no moon, no lights. Just complete darkness.
I got tense, but realized that I'm still in control.
I open up. I begin to truly see. I'm surrounded by stars.
There is light. It's so faint, so distant. The light of the dead.



On another note:

That moment when you realize all you've been doing your entire life is running from problems and not really understanding how to face them properly because how you were raised, with all the crap going on, no one told you how to be human because no one fucking knows how to be one themselves. They are projections of what they think they should have been and created a misshapen emotional wreck who has escapism issues because dealing with real life is painful and harsh.
You wanna know how to change?
You just honestly sit down and get down to the root of your inner person. You have to really listen, and for me it's taken a long while to discover the true person inside me.
I learned that I lived my life in constant fear. Fear of the domestic violence and abuse, verbal and physical. I lived in fear of not getting good grades, which would mean I would have to be stuck in that situation and perpetuate a cycle of it. I grew up thinking, is this how families operate? I grew up scared that at any moment everything could end in the blink of an eye because of how my step dad acted. I learned to cope with escaping into video games. I merely just ran from the issues. Never faced them. I got good grades in school and thrived away from home because I could actually be SAFE. I did well in school because that meant I could play games without worry as well. I always thought when I was younger, at least you don't do drugs or anything. You could be in a worse situation. You'll never become an addict. Which, I haven't yet. BUT the thing is, I am an addict. I'm addicted to not dealing with my issues. I'm addicted to running away. I'm addicted to escaping into other realms with video games because I cannot deal with my own internal emotions. I run. I never stand up to the fear, or have that definitive internal conversation that makes peace.
In life we are on a quest to find ourselves, but if we keep running how does it ever happen?
I think I've finally slipped on the cusp of being who I'm supposed to be.
I have to stop running. I have to stand up and take control of everything. Be responsible for myself and actions. It's something I never thought I'd do. I was always lying to myself thinking that I already was doing it.
It's time to get everything together, line them up in a row, knock 'em down and out, get it sorted out, and be the human I need to be.

 Almost done working on this samus thing. We'll see. Still messing around with it.

Yikes- It's almost been 1 month.

I've been talking to myself for a bit now about what I want to accomplish with my skills in art. What speaks to me on that deeper level.
I've seen a lot of artists emulating the things they love the most from artists they love the most and I figured I would do the same.
I really love graffiti and street art.
Why not mix the things I love with that?
Figured I would finally attempt them.

Here's my rough idea for a Samus / Metroid style one.

I really freaking liked the idea of it being a mural. Something you'd see in a back alley with heart!






I'm not too sure how I feel about the SAMUS text, so I might mess around with that s'more. But there's some awesome nods to the things I liked in Metroid.

I splashed some color on it just to see what I'd be looking at / endgame...
Seems cool.

Now I'm just in the middle of cleaning up the drawing.
We'll worry about coloring and stuff later.

More to come in the near future. I'm looking for work and not really finding anything. I have a few leads on some stuff. We'll see how things pan out.
Can't believe how all my worst nightmares have come true, but they haven't destroyed me.
As if to say I created these monsters and have easily slain them because the only thing powering them was myself.
Holding true to the idea that 2016 will be great.
So far it's been interesting to say the least.
On the horizon:
I have been streaming a lot since I have more free time so it's a lot of hanging out with my community and trying to make something of it.
I think I'm going to do a charity stream for breast cancer.
My aunt was told that she has cancer and my family is freaking out because we just recently lost another aunt. So everyone is on edge.
I think that streaming for a cause like that would be awesome.




As far as art goes I'm going to focus on this street art inspired Nintendo stuff.
We'll see where this takes me.
One day at a time.