With this new year I have been trying to take a better mental approach to things.I realize that I despite my strong will to not kill myself, I have been in other ways. Neglect.
I literally have not been taking very good care of myself. I was really good about being pescatarian, but I haven't been able to do it in a way that made me feel good about what I was eating. I've been so broke with being garnished and all the other financial shit I've been going through that I have to be very thrifty when eating. Granted I suffer a lot so sometimes I splurge on food to reward myself.
Now that a lot of the hard part is done and I am able to breath I am still finding myself struggling with money. I barely make enough to get by. I'm having a hard time even just paying off the debts I accrued while being garnished. I lived off of two credit cards while asking people around me to just be charitable.
I find myself tired of it all. I would love to separate myself from money completely. I have taken steps through the last two years to not be anxious about it. If it doesn't work out then I will figure it out from there.
I do have to say that phrase "I'm just tired of it all" gets repeated pretty often with me.
I am really just tired of "this"
I feel like there is no end in sight. I am just here to suffer and it really fucking sucks. I can't make the best of it despite my efforts. It's hard to be happy and humble when your life is like this.
I can't remember the last time I was proud of myself when it comes to anything other than work.
I think that I am stuck as a cog in this capitalism wheel.
I do feel a lot of good emotions when I do well at work and I think I'm finally at peace with things. I have been working on accepting things as they are and when they arrive, doing the things and moving on. I have been doing a lot of reminders and things in the morning and in bed before I go to sleep.
I wake up and I tell myself I'm going to make it a great day. During the day I hold out and actively seek things that make it good. I do things to make other peoples day better too. Then at the end of the day I tell myself I did the best I could do and try to leave it at that. Tomorrow is another chance to make it.
I look at my stuff in my house and I just want to sell it all. I don't want things anymore. I keep thinking about how it all just fucking sits there, collecting dust!
I need to really simplify my life in all aspects.
I have been kind of minimizing on things already because I want to move and I don't want to haul a bunch of 'shit' around.
So overall I'd have to say that this year has started out leagues better and I am positive and hopeful that things go exceedingly well for me.
I know that with this mentality I will be able to take the baby steps as well as leaps to get there.
Everything starts with a fresh new day, even if you get up at 12pm.
My goals are to really get active. I started the year at 300lbs. I want to be less.
I want to be debt free. I have a lot of consumer debt I need to eliminate.
I want to move into a nicer house or apartment.
I want to stream on Twitch more.
I want to make more art, or attempt to be creative.
I want to just be happy.
