2023. March. 19th.. Which Lead to a pause until now: April 27th...

 Damn. Just damn. It's been a while.

I love the idea that one day I would return to this blog and post about how things finally broke and I made it. 

Let's see. Let's start with what's going on.

I am currently store leader at Detail Garage here in Tucson. I work for Chemical Guys. 
I started this job in June of 2022. I became manager in August/September.

Feels like I was finally given a chance to do what I had been built for. 

I have been keeping my head down and working on my life. To say that I've made it is farfetched. 
I am struggling harder than I ever had but I'm keeping more positive about it.

I started off as a keyholder and did pretty well, but I started taking time and studying the business... I took this class the store offered called SDU. Smart Detailing University. It's a type of master class in detailing.

I left Tucson for 5 days to take the class in Phoenix. I was trained by an industry leading specialist flown out by the company. I spent 5 days learning how to run my own detailing business. I have a certification in it now. I passed with flying colors. It was so fun. I learned so much about the business and myself. 
My previous boss had some unorthodox methods with trying to grow the store, which I voiced my concern about... But in the class I was confronted with his short comings and failures as if it were mine. I had to own up and be better. Which I did. 
I came back to Tucson with a fire inside me and started making crazy moves. 

What's great is when you march to the beat of your own drum, you make waves in ways you would have never expected. 
The store has been growing so well. 

I have been sacrificing so much for its success. I feel like this store is a direct reflection of me as a human. The better the store does, the better I am doing. 

I have made a name for myself in the company in such a short time. It's UNREAL. 

The owners in Cali know me by name. I created a huge wave here in Tucson.
They see how unique I am and how valuable- To an extent. 

Thing's aren't exactly perfect. When I originally got the job they offered $16/hour but I asked for $17, the cap because of my previous experience, where they continued to fight me on it and it came up as, take it or leave it. 

At the time I didn't want to look for anything else, so I accepted and banked on the dream that a position would open up sooner rather than later. 

As I was getting promoted the cap was $21/hour and during this phase I just asked for $20. Which they said no. I had to settle for $19 + Bonus - which we have no issues hitting. I've been going crazy with the social media and training my staff how to talk to customers and deliver an amazing experience. 

We are labeled a low volume store but we kick ass weekly. 

I'm really proud of this. It's a slap to the face of everyone who gave up on me or threw me away. The better I do the harder that slap is, and I want that slap to knock them on the ground.

I don't think I am a very angry person but this is some serious fuel to my fire. 

I push myself so hard to be something better than what I saw growing up.

I think I'm proud of who I am becoming.
Envisioning this person who is handsome, successful, "got it together" and stuff like that has helped me a lot. When I'm feeling shitty or low I think about how this person would act and then do my best on that. It's like, that alter ego or personality can take over when things get rough. 

I still live with Sarah. It hasn't been easy. She's literally getting a free ride out of me.

I have been paying the house bills to keep a roof over my head and she's been skipping out on paying me due to things going on in her life. It's really ended up being a situation where I am being fully taken advantage of. 

The lease is up and she signed it for April already but I haven't. 

Something has been kinda keeping me from doing it. Well, I have a plan and if things go OK then we are going to EXECUTE on the plan. (moving, not murder.)

Either I get offered a great chance to take a store in PHX or I stay here in Tucson and continue to grow the market out here. Which I am kinda fond of. I worked hard on this store and I would love to see it through. But also, I want to move somewhere else... If they offered me a spot in another state I probably would have jumped on it immediately. 

Either way I have a pretty stressful week/month ahead of me with getting resituated. 

I will work hard for my future self and make him proud. 

I keep envisioning this life I have and some of it has come true! I made myself a big deal with this job here at Detail Garage. 

-----------------------------------

April 27th 

-----------------------------------

For what ever reason I never posted it. But I'm here now editing it and just wanting to say:
DG Tucson gave me a merit raise. So in 9 months I got promoted and a raise. I think that's pretty bad ass. 

Am I making a ton of money? No. Am I happy? Yes. 

I did end up renewing the lease for the apartment, but I asked that Sarah be removed and leave. To which she agreed. I do not know when I will see the money she owes me, but I will walk this path alone.
I talked to my therapist about this, being scared to go at it alone again. She reassures me that the person I am now is leagues better than who I was back then. Had a rough go of things, but here we are, still fighting.

This evening I had some pretty bad intrusive thoughts. It seems like these last few times I had this negative monologue I haven't been able to reason against it. It's almost like it's winning.
It's just stress- It will be fine.

My job wanted me to move to PHX but they were unwilling to pay relocation, let alone give me a solid enough raise to live up there. The median income is $65k a year. They wanted me to go up there and turn the store into a million dollar store. But they weren't willing to cough up and give me a fair wage. Maybe that's why it's still without a manager at this time.
I got my team hired and I'm working on training them. I can't wait to see how we grow Tucson to be even more insane. 

For now I guess as things clear up and I work on a new normal... I need to get some shit resolved in my personal life. 

I really need to get out of debt. I'm tired of this monthly rut I'm in, all the damn time. 

I have things I want to do but I'm stuck under this weight. 

Rent                                            1140
Car                                              400

Car Ins                                        145

Phone                                          72

Cap 1 MC / Bal 479 / Min         $25

Cap 1 VISA / Bal 2282 / Min    $80

Cred 1 MC / Bal 1586 / Min      $50

Cred 1 VISA / Bal 1600 / Min   $80

Discover / Bal 5489 / Min        $150

Cox                                            100

Cat Litter                                   30

Groceries                                   400

Gas                                            100

Roth IRA                                   50

Life Ins                                      80

Spotify                                       10

Gym                                           22

                                                   2934 in bills each month. 

I've been getting a ton of overtime so I don't want to use that as a fair calculation. It's not going to be my actual base income. This, though, is an average of a few paychecks I did receive in the past before I got my pay bump. 

Let's assume 1700 x 2 each month for my pay. 

I might actually have some extra money each month if I spend responsibly. 

I need to tackle my balances, smallest to largest. Then I can start doing things I actually WANT to do, like car stuff, lights wheels, and stuff for the house. A new bed. 

With the possible $400 I could easily pay off things quicker. I just need to budget better and be diligent about getting out of debt. 

I guess maybe in a year or so we'll see, huh?

I need to look at revenue streams to increase my income. More money, more problems.

I've been silent for a reason.

 Hey blog. I want to start with this. I hope that you're doing better than OK. I hope that you're working on something that is making your life better. I hope you have a great quality of life right now. 

If you aren't... There might be something wrong, and I hope that you figure it out. It's gonna take a lot of hard work but it's worth investing in yourself to get there. 

It's been quite some time but I'm still here fighting. It's all I know how to do. I've just been keeping silent here for some reason. Maybe I'm just running? I don't really know. I'm good at avoiding the hard stuff and being responsible. Maybe it's because every time I read this blog I'm never where I want to be and I'm relentlessly crying, bitching, moaning, and being pathetic over it all. I think that without having a place like this to do it, it just sits there and creates a cancer where I can't truly live my life though. Cathartic... 

I started therapy in December/January and maybe that's why? I have some place to vent where I'm getting what I need. Lot's of good questions and challenges presented to me to help me think about things in a better light. Less relying on bad coping mechanisms and building up better ones. Even though it's been about a month or so since I've had my last session I still feel good. I would like to have more sessions but mainly due to money I can't keep up with things. Which I will explain, presently. 

Let's get into what's been going on. 

Alright. My last post was December 22nd, and it felt like there was a lot going on then. And it wasn't too long after that post that Sarah and I split up. At the time I was looking to just move out in April with my own place. Our lease was up then so it's just a good deadline to get it together and be final. I started looking for a new place to roost. The stuff going on in the world had made it quite difficult to find a place that was reasonably priced. It never got better either... We were very angry with each other and we hardly talked. I slept on the floor in the office I created for us for 3 weeks until I could afford a bed. We slowly moved everything into our respective places. I was open in talking about my next steps and my expectations. 

At my job, selling cars, I felt pretty good. I was coming on on my year in February and throughout the previous year I felt like this was going pretty well! Even with the lack of new cars being manufactured and all the other stuff going on in the world. 

My birthday is in January and I had something to look forward to. I made plans to go to Round 1, like I did the last few years and win every damn prize they had! On the 10th I wasn't feeling too well, and I was asked to get a covid test. It was so windy and usually with all that dust and stuff I get a little 'off' so to me I didn't think anything of it. The test came back negative. Which was cool! So I went back to work. Had the day off for my birthday. Hung out with some close friends. Won a lot of prizes. Ate good food. Had some burgers at Devine Bovine, and desert at Cold Stone Creamery. I got tested again though, after feeling like complete shit. I warned my friends I was near to ensure they were well enough, which they were! Nothing happened to them at all. I think I got sick from someone I interacted with at work, customer-wise. At the testing site, I remember having the nurse person telling me that I'm positive and reading the note while she was talking to me I kinda felt fear welling up inside. This kills people in my condition. I'm overweight and not active. I'm a bit older... I just kept thinking that if I get so sick that I get put on a ventilator that I might die. The nurse person told me to just go isolate and keep my electrolytes up. Drink lots of fluids and eat even if I'm not hungry. I was immediately on the phone with Royal letting them know that I wont be in for work, which they assured me would be fine since there was a covid contingency plan in place. I would get to take the time off paid while I recovered. I called my mom and let everyone knew that I was in contact with to just be safe and monitor themselves accordingly. My family sent me a care package with vitamins and food to last through the 2 weeks I would be out. 
During the recovery I never once felt like I was going to die. I just had a flu like cold. I took Nyquil every night for bed and slept pretty good. I took vitamin D and vitamin C supplements. Overall I felt pretty good. Little did I know that something else was going on, though. 

During the recovery I developed a kidney stone. 11mm in size. It's fucking massive. It caused pain in which I've never experienced. I used up all my sick time recovering from covid.. The HR department of Royal Automotive kept in close contact with me in regards to my recovery from covid. We talked almost daily just checking on progress so that way I could come back to work as soon as possible. As I was getting ready to return back to work I went to a local urgent care with this pain that kept me up one morning. I felt like vomiting but I couldn't. The first place I went advised that I might have had some kind of STI, which did not make sense to me because I hadn't really been sexually active since like November. Maybe something would take time to fester like that, but I was more worried about it being an issue with my appendix or something. With no real way for them to assist me due to lack of equipment I arrived at an emergency room that had radiology capabilities. 

I get set up and scanned. They show me this massive stone. Surgery is needed. Doctors note acquired: If you experience pain in regards to the kidney stone it can cause you to be debilitated, you will be unable to operate a vehicle or perform basic tasks. You must take this medicine, and if you are on this medicine you cannot operate a vehicle or do anything because it's a class 3 narcotic. Surgery is needed to get better. I have to now get a primary care physician, which I do not have, and get a referral to a urologist to get this done. 
During this time I am in contact with HR at Royal informing them of everything that's going on. At this point it's talking to a voice mail. Talking through my GM of the store I work out of through a messenger. They just aren't treating me the same. I get told that I'm missing too much time and that if I keep this up they will terminate my employment. With the doctors note I advised them I can't work like this and that until I have the surgery I have no other choice. I still showed up everyday I had to work but I would leave early due to the pain experienced. And because of the medications, I would be useless since I can't operate a vehicle. They just didn't seem to understand what I was going through. 
After going to the urologist and setting up my exam and getting things squared away I was put on a list for surgery but with no solidified date I was unsure if it was going to be sooner or later. 
At this time it's February. I get out from the urologist and I call into work to speak with HR and let my bosses know what's going on. I can't get a hold of anyone so I call the store directly and speak to another manger who gets my GM to call me. He fires me over the phone telling me that because my attendance is so poor they no longer want me working there. Once I get my stone fixed I can come back to work. They'll just rehire me, he tells me. I'm sitting there like, what? Isn't there something better than this? I couldn't help but think about how unprofessional it was and how I spent the last year busting my ass and selling cars for them. Where even one month they took away my bonus, where they just kept the profits I MADE THEM, and I still stayed. I wanted to quit so bad but I promised myself that I would make up the money in the following months with better sales. Fuck man, I was so stupid. I should have quit then, seeing how they treated me in that situation was a good red flag that I just fucking flew past. 

Besides all that I am utterly destroyed. I'm sitting in my car thinking about how I'm going to get by. 

I lose my insurance coverage with complicates my surgery. I can no longer use my insurance to get this resolved and I now have to pay at least $1200 bucks just to get seen at the hospital.  It complicates everything because it's already so god damn hard to work under the pain as is. I fall behind on bills because I don't have money. I am legit struggling because of a major medical set back and because I live paycheck to paycheck I am absolutely FUCKED. 

So while all this shit with my income is being fucked with, at home Sarah and I are kind of talking and repairing things to a point where we realize that we really need to help each other out. I think that the space we gave each other allowed us to kind of reassess things. We know that we aren't perfect and that things are complicated but if we don't give up on each other we'll figure out a way to get by. So at this point we're just working on making sure that our basic needs are met. We have a nice place to live without having to worry about us being kicked out, and we can live here comfortably without having to worry about stepping on each other's toes. 
I start driving for Door Dash and I do it for a few weeks while I get settled with a new job at CVS Pharmacy. I make enough money to cover some bills. I borrow from two friends to get by. I now owe a lot of money to hospitals, doctors and others as well as a few close friends. This weighs on me heavily. 

I interview with the two CVS DMs of Tucson and they assure me that with my experience I'll be great at the position of Operations Manager, which is basically a glorified word for assistant manager. Which I am pretty experienced at being. They talk about who I would fit best with and decide to pair me with a new manager they recently promoted. I think that this is a good idea because as they are learning, I will as well, plus, it's been good for me in the past. I keep referring to my experience with GameStop because both Rouchelle and I were put in a new store to see how it worked out and we kicked ass. 

I start my new job on Feb 25th. I have my one day of orientation and then I go in for surgery on the 2nd of March. So I get scheduled for work on the 7th, allowing some decent time for recovery if needed. 

MAN shit just goes to hell here.

OK, I'm in recovery after a surgery. They install a stent, which is a little hose that goes from my peehole all the way to my kidney where the stone is. The lithotripsy was supposed to break the stone down using soundwaves. The stent was there to help keep the larger pieces from getting stuck so I can pass the small stuff first. This is extremely uncomfortable having something inside of you that moves when you do. When I walk, it hurts because the hose is moving with my body. If I kneel down, it hurts. If I do anything it fucking is uncomfortable as fuck. 

Clearly, I am not handling it very well. I have to pee all the time and I can't hold it in because the stent is near the muscle I use to hold it in. So when I get the signal I have to pee, I have to go right away or I might piss myself. This clearly isn't cool with anyone that I work with and the question comes around that maybe I should take medical leave until I get this taken care of. But I cannot because I have no insurance. I'm scheduled to meet with the urologist on the 15th of March to make sure things are progressing as needed. I just hold on until then. 

During this time my store manager is just telling me how much of a piece of shit I am. I can't keep up. I have no sense of urgency. I don't take initiative. I don't do this. I don't do that. And I'm like what the fuck man? She makes a list of like, work chores to do on shift and I do 9 out of 10 and I'm a big old shit bag because of it. "You need to do 12 or 13, not just what I write down. You're a manager. Blah blah blah." All this fucking stress. "Maybe you should step down." or "Are you sure you're fit for this?" Just all kinds of fucked up poor humanity skills coming from this individual. 

Vicki Santa Cruz. 

A complete fucking CUNT. 

Yes I said it, if you're reading this, FUCK YOU. You made my life hell, and for what? Because you thought it would make me better? Learn some fucking humility and compassion for people. Not everyone is a robot. You can't use people like tools. You can't treat people like shit forever. It will come back on you. 

While working at CVS I just kept thinking about how shitty it was. I just have to admit that I wasn't good enough. I think overall Vicki was making it a lot harder than it really needed to be. Other managers were not held to my standards and I really feel like it was because she did not hire me. She didn't get to vet me so she figured she could just make it hell until I left. Which worked. 

We held a team meeting and that meeting turned into a moment where everyone started talking about me and my performance. Vicki made up this story that a customer called into the store and said that I was talking about CVS in a way that could be conceived as defamation of character. She stated the the person told her things about the company and the way the store was run that was unprofessional. She said I was sharing things with customers that I shouldn't have. My customer service style and how I help people does not include me talking shit openly about how much the job sucks! Everyone knows working is bull shit and it sucks, but I always go above and beyond for the customer. I smile and bare it, which I had to do double time because of my medical condition. I was happy to have the job and be working. I was grateful to not have to worry about things for a bit but having the whole team of people gather up and tell me what Vicki thought of me the whole time just really hurt. I just quit. I walked out. I have done that before and the consequences of that don't scare me. I can't entertain that shit in my life. 

Anyways, Vicki was convinced that because some things are legal that it's OK to do. She worked me and other employees 7 days up to 9 days in a row with just one day off. I even worked doubles in that time, too. Because people wouldn't show up for work. She said things like, "Well when I worked HR for this company it's legal to do this, and that." And it just wasn't humane. I tried hanging on for 90 days so I could get insurance. That way I could get the surgery I needed and move on with my life. But because of this situation I started thinking about how if Royal would have never terminated me I would have been better by this time. I started looking for legal advice. 

I got on a program where I got to consult with a lawyer for free. They agreed that something wasn't right with this whole situation and that I'm entitled to lost wages as well as my medical bills being covered by Royal based on previous cases won in the past in similar circumstances.  It's taken months but on June 29th they mailed out a letter stating that either we settle for a specific amount or we go to court. I'm just awaiting a response. Which, nothing can happen, but if it goes that far then we do go to court. 

I started a new job recently working for a new company to Tucson called Detail Garage. I sell items that help you maintain the inside and outside of your vehicle. Simple things like cleaners and soaps to polishing compounds and buffers. It's pretty cool, and because I recently got that Forte GT I am able to take better care of it's appearance. I am doing manager work for less pay but I'm loving the overall vibe of the job. It's pretty laid back being a small retail chain. It fits into the style of job I have loved in the past. 

The things I appreciate about it are simple. It's a newer company growing like crazy. The store is small and the team is tight knit. The manager isn't a dickhead. He knows that we are human. There's growth potential. It's cool helping customers take care of their cars. We get to see cool shit everyday. I think that at some points it's a little too slow but we are active on building up things in the community to help drive business. I'm excited to help it grow. I know I can do it because we did it at my GameStop. During the interview process I met with a lot of people from the company and during the meetings they used spicy language which I appreciated. I could be myself, not have to restrict or pretend. I don't have to wear a metaphorical mask. It's nice. 

Admittedly I have been thinking a lot about dying. It's been since this time in 2010 when I was feeling suicidal and really thinking about doing it. When it comes around this time I always feel the same way. I know this dark fog will pass and there will be clarity. I just have to go through the motions and make it through. I just can't help the thoughts though. I'm getting older and older. I guess I never thought I was gonna live this long. The physical and emotional pain I experience on a daily basis makes the fight hard but not impossible. It's just a daily struggle of not being able to accomplish what I want versus having to do the hard shit just to make the bare minimum. I hate this walking on a sword bullshit. Every step is potentially fatal and I'm bleeding from the blade every step I take. I can't win. There's no getting ahead for me. Every time I get a little further ahead I get knocked down and it takes longer and longer to get back up. 

I'm not trying to leave this on a bad, negative, shitty note. I'm trying to be optimistic and hopeful about things finally turning around. I can't wait to get to the point where I look back on all this and say, wow! I had the strength to hold on through it all and now look. I'm where I wanted to be. All the tears, blood, and pain were worth it. Maybe when I die it'll be obvious. 

I've been silent because I just feel bad for dumping all the time. It's always negative. Positives happen but it's just never enough. Maybe I'm just too focused on the bad. Look for a yellow car and you'll see one. Perspective helps. 

I have a place to live. I can eat on a daily basis. I have people close to me that care. (It seems) I have a working vehicle. I have a job. I have a lot. I also have struggles. Mine aren't any less valid, nor yours either. But I'm doing pretty good. I'd say better off than most. I just set high standards for myself. I can't obtain or achieve my goals. I also just don't try as hard as I did. Remember when I said no more tomorrow? I was gonna make a game? I stopped myself because I couldn't get farther with coding. The program I used didn't have the coding language library and I couldn't figure out how to get that fixed. So that's on hold. Xen & Teebo is on hold until I get the story beefed up. Still working on making it better, though. I have a lot of notes and additions I need to do. But you can't just go pitch stuff to people like the old days. Sounds like I'm just making excuses. I am lucky to still be here, having the chance to fight everyday. 

Persevere.  

It's hard to keep it going.

        I am really tired of this.

I am tired of the day to day. Surviving minute to minute. 
I felt like I was growing so much, but in reality I haven't done shit.
It was all just false perspective. False images produced by my brain to maintain a facade.  
I woke up lying to myself in hopes that it would get better. 
After looking at it all in comparison to last year, sure, there has been some movement. But it is just lateral movement. I haven't climbed. If anything I've dropped down lower. 

I'm in a position where I'm just unhappy still. After all these years I still haven't figured out how to make myself happy. I have been trying to do stuff that I thought would. I feel like I went in a big old circle. I'm almost back to where I was in 2010. Where I was going to either drown myself in the ocean, or something worse. Strong contemplation of leaving all this behind. To be honest, there isn't much I'd be leaving anyways. Most times it feels like good riddance. 

I think back on everything. Literally everything. If life is a test, what is it a test for? What's the point of suffering my whole life? From things I couldn't control as a child to now? 

I keep looking at myself and it's not that I hate this person that I am. I just feel like I'll never amount to anything anymore. All the things I did to push myself out from being poor and shitty just blew up in my face. I did a lot to help myself grow and step up. I tried giving myself opportunities. I did things that helped me mold myself in to the man I am now. There are some days I am really proud of myself, and then the majority of it all I seriously question my existence. 
I lack discipline and drive to get my shit together. It hit me just yesterday at work when my GSM called me out. He showed me all my work this month. What he showed me was that I was really only doing 30% or so of my job. And when I was standing there looking at it. I was getting fucking pissed off, mainly because all day I'm there doing shit to try and get paid. If I'm not selling a car, I'm literally just standing there making $0 money. So of course I'm trying to do the best thing for myself. Having him show me that I'm not applying myself just kind of struck me hard. On top of that all I have been struggling with feeling like I'm doing the right job. It made me think that I am worthless and I'm failing myself. I had to spend the night talking to myself, telling me that I'm not a failure and that I really do what I can to get by. This month alone I've thrown myself into the "process" they want all workers to follow. I've been doing just about every little thing I can. For some, this job is easy but for me... I feel like I'm just struggling to keep my head above water. 
What I had to tell myself was, he's not seeing or experiencing all that I am. He's only seeing that 30% and that's it. That 30% of what he sees is clearly not a fair representation of my actions. Admittedly I do not work on my days off. I do take calls and text, but in the grand scheme of it all, if there's no appointment I'm not going out of my way. It's a day off, and I'm staying where my head and feet are. If I'm not clocked in, them I'm not working. 
There's where he struck me, saying that basically the reason I am failing is because of that. I'm not doing everything. I'm failing myself and the owners of this company. He asked me if Craig or Kevin asked me why the report looks the way it does, what would I tell them. At first I was like there is no excuses. But in reality that work was leads that did not pan out. They were shit leads asking for things we do not have, or are unable to get. People who will not compromise or look into other options, let alone even just respond to the messages, calls and emails. 
I had to remind myself that I am working very hard at making my first year in car sales successful and that even though it's a rough patch I'm going to make it through. 

I'm also just looking for work outside of this. I think it would be wise for me to explore other options. Realistically I have no fucking clue what I'm going to do.

I am just so lost with my life right now. I'm 35 and ready to have a freak accident take me out. I found myself kind of not giving a shit about simple safety rules while driving. Not crazy speeding, but going fast none the less. Obviously I'm careful enough, but like... Not really giving a shit. I do like my new car though. I feel good about that. I was able to buy a brand new vehicle. Well, finance it. My credit was close to 800 before it. I was on track and I somehow stumbled.

I'm ready to die. I'm tired of the circle of garbage. 

I think it's because of this new state of reality we're in. Pandemic life. The forever threat of COVID. What is normal anymore? When this originally happened I never thought that I'd be where I am right now. I kind of hoped I would be on the way to store manager at GameStop by now. And I bet that if this never happened, I would have been. I could have been doing something I liked a lot. For some reason I just get kicked, pushed, knocked down, and kicked again. 
I'm not trying to turn everything that happens to me into a huge problem. The shit in life is always going to be there. 

I've been so down and out that I can't even enjoy playing video games. I'm so out of it. 
I think what's made me so sad is that I've invested a lot into something and I have nothing but loss to show for it. In a lot of aspects of my life.
I've invested in myself. People I love. Things I care about. And in return it's like being pricked by a thorn. 
School -
Thoughts: I will go learn stuff and become better, get a decent job and do something I love for the rest of my life. Make a cartoon and a video game.
Reality: 80k in student loans. Not able to get them forgiven despite the school being labeled predatory and closing it's doors. Don't actually have my diploma.  Unable to get job with portfolio of work because the schools curriculum was so dated that if it were 1999, maybe I could have gotten something. 
Jobs - 
Thoughts: I will do this in hopes that I can care for my basic needs. Which will allow me time to work on improving my portfolio of work, and give me the means to do these projects to get into a better job. 
Reality: Stuck. Always working. Unable to do things with time off because job is too draining. Not making enough to get by. Wrack up credit card debt and now stuck under the thumb of debt. Unable to save or invest. People at jobs make it difficult because I don't fit into their cliques or groups. Unable to maintain a healthy work attitude. 
Relationships -
Thoughts: I'll have people around me that I can spend time with that inspire me. I will be full of love and happiness. I will be able to return it in full and do the same for them.
Reality: Jaded, cynical asshole. Reclusive. Unable to really be a good person to them because I have to work. Stuck and unable to grow with others. Depressed because of this and unable to reach out to them for support. These people are better off with out me. Get taken advantage of in some ways, unable to get rid of toxic shit. I surround myself with things that will hurt, hinder and make it worse. 

I am tired of spinning the top. I am tired of picking it back up and giving it my best only to have it get shit on. Earlier in the year I just kept trying to envision this guy I wanted to be. Like, metaphorically killing myself. Or building a golem out of different parts. I wanted to be a guy who was on his way to becoming wealthy. Through my hard work and determination, and the chances thanks to this job, it seemed obtainable. I wanted to be healthier, happier, and more in love with the idea of being alive. I was planning a road trip around the US, where I would visit each state and do a few stops to get food. Visit friends and family. Reality just keeps applying pressure on it all. I have this idea of what to do and then it's thrown a curveball into something that is distorted and ugly. 
I keep thinking that if I can just form new habits I can become better.

Discipline is the key to it all. 

I'm not happy with who I am. 

I'm not happy with who I'm around. 

I'm not happy with what I'm doing. 

I'm not happy with existing. 

I don't know what I can do to fix who I am. 

I feel stuck with some of the people I am around. 

I can't make sudden changes to what I'm doing because I can lose everything. 

If I were to just die, then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. 

How my life started at 35. ROUGH

I'm in the process of rewriting this in a better format, but I'm sharing it right now just to put it out there. 

I'm writing this to inform others that with a little accountability, and willingness to change, you can really pick yourself up and live a life worth living. Sometimes what it takes is just being in a position where you have to decide to live or die. I was living in the lowest of the lows I have ever experienced and I chose to live. I hope that you do, as well. I feel like it's still challenging, but at least I approach the day differently. I allow myself the chance to make it better. I gave myself the control and power I needed to stand back up and life a life worth living. I did it by starting small and overtime developed habits that improved my life. This isn't a simple fix. It's retraining yourself. 

It was a few years ago. I was about 33 years old. I was sitting at my desk. Laptop open, second monitor hooked up. I had been off of work for a few hours. I was scrolling through Twitter and Facebook, I had music playing on a tab in the background. I was looking for anything to distract myself from the heavy thoughts in the back of my mind. I usually played video games. I would disassociate by putting myself as the main character in the game and just play until my eyes were so heavy that I couldn't stay awake any longer. For some reason it just wasn't doing it for me this night. I could not sit alone with my thoughts at all. 

I'm sitting in my rented one bedroom town house. Dilapidated. Dirty. Neglected. A huge reflection of myself. I couldn't lay in bed without music on because I couldn't be alone with my thoughts. I was listening to a playlist on YouTube and a song from when I was a kid played. Flowers by the Door by T.S.O.L. Listening to the lyrics, and really feeling the song, tears were streaming from my eyes. I think I truly felt like I didn't want to take another day of it. The song basically talks about how a person decides that this is it, they can't take it anymore and they are done thinking about yesterday and what people think, and even though they've said it before they are really going to follow through now. To me it felt like a final farewell, or a suicide note. I'm still alive but I'm in the grave. Intrusive, bad, negative, suicidal thoughts just kept swirling and circling. I don't know how your mind works but I tend to think things over and over. I think things into a circle and they just keep swirling like water down a drain but they don't disappear, they just keep pouring.

Outside of the house was just this image of myself I was trying to maintain. I graduated from an art school with honors. Studied animation and illustration, but here I am working these dead end jobs just barely trying to get by. No family, no real friends, nothing significant in anyway. Stuck without a car because of a repo. Riding a bike everywhere. Is this how someone in their 30s should be living? Sure, working a part time job at a record store is cool but is this truly where you should be? I have to fight myself every damn minute of the day with this crap. Repeating thoughts of being a failure, despite me doing some actual good. I was just blind to it all. I had a huge dark cloud over me. It was very heavy.

How am I going to pay rent, and my credit cards... How am I going to feed myself? Can I use this credit card for that, and this isn't due until then I can just swing it. I need a car to get a better job. I'm being garnished. How am I going to take care of myself and my cat? I work very hard, why can't I get ahead? I am a punctual person, why am I not being recognized for my hard work and attention to detail? Why do my co-workers openly talk shit about me and talk down to me? Where's the respect that I give to everyone? Why am I such a failure? Why don't people like me? It's not like I'm mean or rude. I really just don't understand how any of this works. 

Anxiety and doubt. Fear and worry. Depression and sadness. These are things that just controlled my life. I never felt like I was in control. I was just winging it minute by minute. Full on survivor mindset. 

When I was a little kid. My stepdad let me hangout at a friends house where I stayed the night. He told me that I would have to be home before a certain time because something was going on. I remember having so much fun. Me and my friend played video games and played outside, did all the cool shit you would expect kids to do. Bike riding, wrestling, teasing siblings, the whole nine yards. Well fast forward to the next day. I wake up in a panic and realize that I'm late and that I'm in deep shit. I start running home, tears running down my face, snot bubbling out of my nose, just upset at the fact that I said I was going to do something and I was late. I get to this little industrial part near my house and this gate that's usually open is closed. So I'm climbing up this gate, crying, and get stuck near the top. It's a huge 15 ft fence. A guy who knew me from the area asked if I was OK and helped me get down and through the gate. 

I ran inside the trailer and my stepdad was sitting there waiting for me. He was pissed. The second I saw him look at me I knew I was getting my ass kicked. This was normal for me. He would full on punch me. I'm just a little boy. He told me there's a lesson to this and justified it because I was late. I mean, as a kid, sure. Who am I to challenge my parents? They are supposed to be looking out for me. Help me become a better person. But to do it in this way. It just really set the stage for me later in life. This wasn't the only time he did anything like this. There are several other times, but that's another story. 

What I'm getting at is that since I was a child, it was engrained in me that I have to behave a certain way. Every time my step dad beat me up, it was because there was a lesson to learn behind it. Don't be late. Don't disrespect or talk back to your elders. Don't skip out on your chores. I didn't understand how this would condition me as an adult. 

My parents hung around some pretty scummy people and it helped me learn the bad side of drug usage. I never wanted to end up like the people they were or hung around. It didn't make sense to me, they worked so hard for money and things and they traded it away to get high. I got a Sony PlayStation not too long after it's release because of it. Blows my mind...

As a kid I grew up wanting to be away from home. I did anything I could to be away. Staying at friends houses, after school programs, missing the bus so I had to walk. Literally anything. This was great because I became very social. I developed skills that helped me as an adult. I was punctual, had a strong work ethic, a high level of integrity because I had to do everything myself anyways, and a common understanding of humanity. I saw it all as a kid and even more so as an adult. 

I realized I was living my life, controlling this vessel, with no hands on the wheel. I basically just let it roll. This meant that my deepest fears and depression were in control. I lacked a healthy routine. I had discipline, but lacked it in the areas that helped me in a healthy way. My parents never showed me how to properly live life. Or teach me real things on how to take care of myself. I never had the right role models in my life. I had to make it up as I went. With the abuse and drugs all I knew was survival mode. I really had to relearn how to do things in life. 

Of course that takes a toll on you. So from childhood I have had a voice in my head telling me I'm a failure and that I will never amount to anything, because look where I came from. A dilapidated trailer, roaches in the bed, no food, worrying about how to pay the electric bill when I was a mere child. To an adult whos basically in the same fucking spot. I did things to try and improve my life, of course! I went to college. I graduated with honors, I cultivated relationships that I hoped would last. I worked very hard at all the jobs I ever did, in hopes that I would become something greater. In my life at that point though, everything revolved around money. I never made enough, never had enough, always stressed about it. 

It was that night, of my terrible breakdown that I decided to no longer let money control my life. I was no longer going to worry about how bills were going to get paid, how I was going to eat, or anything. I would just live my life and if it worked out, then cool, if not, I would figure it out. Like I had always done up to this point. I wasn't going to hurt myself twice over it. I wasn't going to worry about it, stress out about it, then it happens, and get stressed and hurt even more about it. It was very liberating. I envisioned myself floating above money. I separated myself from it, because I knew that I would do what ever it took to get by. It was in that realization that I affirmed to myself out loud, I will always do what is necessary to get through it all. 

It's not easy, just being like, OK I'm not going to worry about it anymore. But like a switch I just turned it off. I was tired of feeling sick over it. I didn't want to be controlled by it anymore. It was truly a breaking point. I just stopped. It seems strange I know. But when you reach a certain point of pain and suffering you have to make the decision like that. Level up right now and become stronger, or accept defeat and quit the game. Live or die. It's really that simple. It's just hard when you get put in that position because one option is the hardest and the other is so easy. People who are weakened by their traumas and everything always want to take the easier option, which to me, and others, was to die.  

I had to use this part of my brain to look at the other areas in my life that I was struggling with. I really liked this idea that I could take my problems and put them into little chunks to solve one at a time, instead of all at once. It's really hard to look at yourself and peel back the layers of shit, look at this broken thing and have the guts to start really nurturing it back to health. Like a gardener repotting a plant. I always thought of myself as an Orchid flower. They are beautiful but they grow in toxic environments where not much else can survive. I had discipline in paying my bills. I had discipline in being a compliant worker. I was eating OK. But still something was not right. 

This is where my life started changing. Where I slowly started gripping the wheel and taking control back. I was no longer going to let fear and anxiety drive anymore. I had to form new habits. I had to create a new version of myself that would be a champion. That doesn't mean I don't get scared, or anxious anymore. I do, it's natural. But I started training myself. Anxiety is just excitement with a negative thing attached to it. I started questioning what's going on around me when I started getting anxious and I found that it was fear speaking, when really I should look at the other side. The excitement of what's going to happen. I wanted to find ways to improve my life. 

I decided that I was not going to take pills. I watched pills destroy my mom. She would take one, for one thing. Get a side effect, take another. So on and so forth. 40 pills later, she's a wreck. A literal walking zombie. Sleeping all day, checked out from life. I just couldn't live like that. I want to be out doing things. I wanted to live my life. I'm sure it was hard on her as well, but from the outside looking in, I just did not want to be like that. I kept on thinking of ways to help myself cope. Drinking did help, but I couldn't do it all the time. I liked having money and not feeling hungover all the time. It was nice to escape every now and then but if I kept doing that am I really progressing and healing? It made me feel like I was giving into that addict lifestyle. I can't use alcohol as a coping mechanism. 

I started with this simple thing. I would go to bed at a reasonable time. Yeah, I know, but I thought long and hard about it. I had to stop going to bed at 7 AM and waking up at 4 PM. I let fear and bad thoughts control when I operated. It was difficult at first, laying down and trying to wrestle with your mind to go to sleep. I just had to power through. It takes time to form a new habit. I spent my life manic, sleeping all day, up all night. Or awake for a day or two then sleep a few days. I struggled a lot with a schedule. When I was scheduled for work, of course I would be there. I always worked it into my weird life. I decided to just turn everything off at midnight. Give myself the chance to get to bed at a reasonable time so I could combat the next day at least well rested. Knowing I had a good nights rest always made me feel better about getting out of bed. I felt ready to fight. 

I would make my bed. If I failed at anything else that day, at least I made my bed. I accomplished one task. Yes it was a simple one, but it was so massive in the whole narrative. I made myself breakfast. I usually would eat oatmeal with some peanut butter and honey. Or I'd make 4 eggs with some toast. I would bike about 8 to 10 miles a day if I worked, so I had to have something substantial to start the day. It was pleasant, being able to do that for myself. Something as simple as nourishing myself with things to help me fight the good fight. 

It helped lay the foundation of all the other areas that I was lacking in my life. Much like I needed with my mind, I started purging things out of my house. I did a deep clean and had two boxes. Trash and Sell were labeled and filled. I swept up months of dirt. I washed away months of filth. I wiped up years of neglect. It made me look at myself. I just kept thinking of all the similar things between this house that I live in and myself. Some stuff was functional, but realistically broken. It showed me that I never really got out of the trailer I lived in as a kid, and no matter where I moved or what I did, it was going to be there unless I addressed it and really understood it. It was not easy to get started but overall it was a really healthy step forward. I realized I was attached to the things emotionally but not physically. I thought that having these items would make me better, but in reality, they were just trinkets of a time long since past. I understood that the value of the items were already a part of me and when I see them, I remind myself of how they impacted me. I was able to let them go. I had a very massive collection of video games and collectables. I was sad to let the stuff go, but overall it was really worth it. If ever in life I truly want them again, I can find them. But for now, let someone else enjoy them. I don't have to have them anymore to be reminded of the joy they brought me. 

I had let go of so much while cleaning my house. It was really weird. I was hanging on to so much stuff that when I looked at it, it held no value to me anymore. Doing this really helped me get my mind right. I was able to think about things and see my growth. I was able to understand some of the changes I needed to make in order to get my shit together. I was literally getting it together physically and mentally. I thought a lot about the things I did when I was at my worst. I had the hardest time doing one task. Taking a shower was a battle. Doing the dishes was a huge fight with myself. But in just accomplishing that one simple thing I felt so much better. I realized I wasn't living for now. I was thinking too much about the future and the past. 

I thought about myself as a person and I really liked how I treated others. I also thought a lot about how I talked to myself and how I saw myself. The hardest thing is realizing that you owe yourself basic and common decency. You owe yourself the chance to be great. Every day you are there in the rut is another day practically wasted. I told myself that I would never kill myself, but everyday I did nothing was another day I ultimately did. I had to collect perspective and show myself that even though I said I wasn't going to kill myself I was doing it by inaction. By choosing not to move I put myself farther behind. What I'm saying is that we are here to do something. That something is up to you. If it's laying in bed depressed, then cool, but really you are capable of so much more. It was a form of comfort seeking. It's easy to lay there and not do anything. It's easy to not get up and exercise. The rewards in life are on the other side of challenges. That fear, doubt, and anxiety are blockers of the mind. To be truly alive is to be challenging yourself to be better. This is where my mind started opening up and I felt like I hit the next level. 

My life at this time looked like it was getting on track. I was sleeping and eating better. I started working on saving money. I was putting together little blocks to build a better future for myself. I still was stuck in this catastrophe psyche. Every time something happened to me, a flat tire, another bill I didn't expect, someone being rude, a bird shitting on me, these things all were just life ruining, devastating acts that I would surely never recover from. I felt like I was already down, how could I keep getting kicked. Why punch this dead horse? I felt like the universe owed me so much because of all I went through as a child. I survived, so why am I not happy, rich and living my best life? I remember sitting there just being mad and sad and thinking, why is this bugging me so much? Why am I still just letting every little detail ruin my day. This little thing is just one interaction out of a thousand. Or one hour out of 24. I had to quantify my suffering in the grand scheme of it all. 

I realized that I had to stop living with all this negative energy. It's no wonder bad shit was happening all the time, I was fucking looking for it every second of every day. I was hyper vigilant on seeing every bad thing that was happening. The thing I had to realize was that life is a perfect balance of good and bad. I had to retrain myself to look for the good, instead of the bad. 

Who am I, what did I go through as a kid? 

Where was I? 
how was i struggling / what was I doing / why was I stuck?

Where did I put myself?
How did I challenge myself / What I did new / how I unstsuck myself

How it's working now
Those challenges are happening all the time / How I'm feeling now / How I keep myself above water 

Whoa.

Wow. It's been too long. I feel like I've just been physically and emotionally unable to talk about my life and what's going on. 
There's growth and regression. Progress and then static moments of stagnation. 

Just like life it ebbs and flows. 

OK so here's what's up with me now. I haven't posted since December of 2020. Holy shit. 

I got tired of trying to learn code. Unity for some reason doesn't have like, a basic code or the winodws thing I got didn't have a base library and I couldn't figure out how to get things put in there so I could copy the code from the tutorial I was watching. It's weird, I felt like it should just work since it's a universal language but it wasn't pulling up a lot of the things the guy was talking about in the tutorial. So I just kind of gave up. 

I started wanting to write more. I want to write  this story about a guy who gets a new job and kind of finds a girl that he can't help but not look at, not in a rape kind of way but there's just something that attracts him to her and he can't seem to shake it. As immediately as he meets her things get fucked up for him and he wakes up in a strange situation. It's still rough and I have a lot of things I want to do with it. I was really inspired by Bloodborne recently and there's some things from HP Lovecraft that got my attention too. 
We'll just see how it comes along.

I'm kind of fucked up still. I know in the past I've cried for a job that lets me get by on my merit, and pay me based on how hard I work. I want to be financially stable and not have to worry anymore. I remember making a declaration that I would no longer worry about money and damn, since then I really haven't had to. I have been able to get by and actually pay off debt. I'm almost debt free. I had about $17,000 at the start of the year. I have eliminated about $6k so far. 

I am trying hard to cultivate the life I want. And while I'm doing that I don't even know what I want. At the core of it, I want a family. I want to be a dad. I want to be important and I want to teach. I think I'm doing that with my job. I want to be stable with money and have no issues resolving things as they come up, even surprises. And I think I'm achieving that. 

I have lacked the drive to be creative. I truly have been pouring myself into my job. I think that's been hurting me too. I created a nice space at home for gaming but that's all I do at home. I disassociate and I can't seem to get myself together to do stuff. I think since covid and not being able to hangout with my friends and my support structure... I've just been regressing. 

I don't know what else to say. My grandma died yesterday and that sucks too.